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Scientology claims credit for solving the crisis in Ferguson, Missouri

Bob_AdamsIt’s time for Sunday Funnies, our weekly feature for reviewing the Scientology mailers forwarded to us by our great tipsters. And once again, we have a bushel of fun circulars put out by the fundraisingest church on earth.

But first, we have to hand it to Scientology junior spokesman Bob Adams for taking the church’s public relations to OT 9.

Yesterday, a press release disguised as a news story carrying Bob’s byline showed up on something totally not sketchy called “World Religion News.”

In it, Bob wrote that it’s no surprise that things have finally started calming down in Ferguson, Missouri, which has seen so much unrest after the killing of Michael Brown by police officer Darren Wilson. The reason? Well it’s obvious, isn’t it? Scientologists have been handing out copies of L. Ron Hubbard’s little booklet, The Way to Happiness, and people have totally not been immediately throwing them in the trash when they see what a bunch of obvious drivel it is.

Calm is being restored, Bob says, after Barry Coziahr of the St. Louis org arranged to have the pamphlet handed out.

Bob then describes other parts of the world where Hubbard’s 1981 booklet has totally chased away evil dudes, restored economies, and made everyone so happy they shine.

Bob’s piece could only have been more precious if it had run in The Atlantic.

Before he became the perpetual second-stringer on the Scientology spokesteam, Bob enjoyed a career in the NFL, from 1969 to 1976. We were double-checking his NFL career and landed on his Wikipedia page and whoa check this thing out!

Now, if you or us or anyone else had a seven-year NFL career and then went on to work as a mid-level mouthpiece in the public relations department of even a pretty large US corporation, you better believe we’d get maybe a single line about our PR work and the entry would mostly be about how many touchdowns we scored.

But Bob gets an entry like his every move is a revelation! He traveled to Melbourne, Australia in December 2009 for the World Religions Conference! Oh my!

Even better, the article history shows that Bob’s entry was primarily developed by one of Wikipedia’s highest-level administrators. And we know that Scientology itself is banned from touching anything at the website. We can only conclude that Jimmy Wales’s crew is sucking up to Scientology, at least when it comes to Bob Adams, to make up for that little ban. If you have a better theory, we’d like to hear it!

Now, on to the rest of our Sunday Funnies!

If you trained as an auditor between 1950 and 2014…you have been tracked down and you are still getting mail from these nutters…


If you have 110, and you want 200, that’s 90 more you need. Thanks for the arithmetic, New Zealand org!


Alfreddie Johnson makes his triumphant return to Sacramento. (What, you don’t remember this?)

140906 SAC Rev A email

Hey look, it’s Tom Cruise’s brother-in-law, Greg Capizorio, and he’s headlining some kind of African drum campaign in the Bay Area. Huh?


Check out this Sacramento couple’s explanation for how they “pace” their donations. Miscavige has to love this.


We read this and imagine how frustrating it must be for Scientologists to hear about all the strife in the world, day after day, when they know that L. Ron Hubbard had the answer for everything, if people would only listen.

testimonial - chuck s

You think we’re going to make a joke about Dick’s name. Would we stoop so low?

dick clark recruitment

Scientology’s reefer madness is too cute for words.


The world is crumbling. The answer is easy — give money for Ideal Orgs!


Hang on. Are they saying that the Los Feliz Mission is owned and run by the kid who played tubby catcher Ham Porter in The Sandlot? The same Patrick Renna whose father-in-law is the Larry Trahant we mentioned a few days ago? And on Friday night Patrick talked about how jazzed he was to learn about Xenu and the body thetans? Oh, we have to get video. Tipsters, score us the video!


Blue Diamond contributor? Does South Africa have an entirely different set of status names? The mind boggles.


Tristan can hallucinate better than ever!


Refreshments! We want one of our Bunkerites to attend Sunday Service in Sydney and report on the refreshments. Please do this.

sunday service

And finally, Scientology has invented a new unit of time! We can’t wait to find out what it is! Do they call it a “hubbard”? Maybe a hubbard is the amount of time it takes for the ideal regging cycle to be completed. As in, “It took me a couple of hubbards, but I finally got his check. And it didn’t bounce!”

Tell us your own theories — what might the Scientologists call this new unit of time, and how long does it last?


Once again we want to thank our amazing tipsters.


Bay Area Bunkerites get a good rockin’

A 6.0 earthquake hit Napa this morning at about 3:20 am local time. Hey, Bay Area Bunkerites, check in and let us know how you’re doing.


Posted by Tony Ortega on August 24, 2014 at 07:30

E-mail your tips and story ideas to or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. Here at the Bunker we try to have a post up every morning at 7 AM Eastern (Noon GMT), and on some days we post an afternoon story at around 2 PM. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS (We read Scientology’s founding text) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25

UP THE BRIDGE (Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48

GETTING OUR ETHICS IN (Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING (Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49

PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | Scientology’s Private Dancer
The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ


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  • AintMizBahavin

    running in waving heyyyyyyyyy to the bunkerite family and friends here for my daily dose of information , laughter and red xing. praying everyone is ok and that life is just great for all of us

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Heyyyyyyyyy back at you!

    • Baby

      Always love seeing ya girlfriend.. Who is your buddy in your Avi?

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        Isn’t that kind of like “what car did you buy”? Huh, huh? πŸ˜‰

        • Baby

          HAHAHHAHAHA Yes it is.. OMG.. I remember that so well butt plug..hahaha

          You are too busy lately.. I hope you’re rollin in the dough!

          • L. Wrong Hubturd

            Too busy is right. Not much time to check in here lately.

            • Baby

              Well.. don’t forget about us!

  • valshifter

    Since there is no real sense of community in scientology. When somebody pays buck loads of money to go up in status, nothing around you happen, you do not become more important to other members, or more useful to the community, or have more friends in scientology, so I guess the status you enjoy it YOURSELF ALONE, because seriously nobody gives a rat ass if you are DIAMOND MERITORIOUS or whatever, a scientology slave still going to be a slave, and a rich asshole still going to be a rich asshole, and there is no way this two groups are ever going to reconcile, and meet as a community, you get your one time STAGED celebration, admiration and applause. but then each PIECE goes their own way to be USED in different ways inside scientology world.

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      That makes sense, because it seems to be the most “me” centered religion(cough, cough) too.

    • Captain Howdy

      From what I’ve seen and read, status is very competitive and important in public scientology. Except, instead of cars and homes and jewelry it’s monty python roman titles, bowling trophies and dime store certificates.

    • edge

      Its another insidious part of the mental trap. Everyone’s got some degree of ego. In Scientology you are taught that you are better than the wogs because only Scientologists can salvage Earth. But even beyond thinking they are better than non-Scientologists, Scientologists discriminate amongst themselves. The higher status Patrons look down on the lowly Sponsors. The Humanitarians look down on the Cornerstone donors. They don’t see that it’s a scam or the myriad of other things that money could be better used for. They see it as part of the gig. In the Tom Cruise video, he brags “I’m carrying my load, and not only that I feel like I gotta do more”. The financial hardship they are inflicting upon themselves doesn’t make some of them question the motives, it makes them proud because by taking on more financial pain they’re better than their fellow Scientologists and they have the status and gaudy trophy and certificate to prove it.

  • Baby

    Ken posted this about How DM will act in court.. Hilarious..thought you would enjoy.. hahhahaa ( refresh)

    • MaxSpaceman

      He’ll be wearing his dress blues, summoned as Captain David Miscavige:

      • Qbird

        A salute is in order, of course…

        • MaxSpaceman

          mine too, Q – to DMiscabbitch

  • Would anyone stoop so low as to make fun of the name of Dick who for some reason has only one spelling error (but it’s “memeber”)? (OK, hi’s apostrophees are also all over the place, but what the heck?)

  • DodoTheLaser

    What’s hot on right now? This article:

    5 Myths You Probably Believe About Major Religions

    And it starts with this intro:

    “As a comedy website, we tend to stay away from too much talk about religion.

    Sure, we’ll run the occasional article about Jesus riding dragons – but no way are we going to start declaring huge aspects of major religions “wrong.” That’s just not our place, and we’ll never do it … after today.

    Oh, relax. We’re just going to point out some popular misconceptions
    about certain religions. Of course there’s no wrong religion.*

    *Except for Scientology.”

    Read more:

  • Pierrot

    *** RED X +–+ RED X +–+RED X +–+ RED X *** Monday the 25h of August

    Good morning Early Birds and Night Owls.
    We picked 26 new ads for Sunday evening, mostly SFBay and the usual late night entries from Houston

    If you have some spare time (10 minutes), Re-Flag the last 3 days from Friday 22nd.

    DON’T route out, BLOW, Get HELP, get OUT. CALL 1-866-XSEAORG

    Ty Obs and Ty Dodo for the 7am posting.

  • John Dries has died according to posts by Tory on her channel (refresh)

  • valshifter

    ” And we know that Scientology itself is banned from touching anything at the website.”
    I love this, I did not know scientologist were banned from touching Wikipedia, that means Wikipedia knows scientologist are crooks. Just on the third line and he is already linked to scientology, lol no where to hide.

  • Jimmy3

    Career totals: 61 receptions for 723 yards, zero touchdowns. This could explain how Scientology got to Bob Adams in the first place… He must have been overheard complaining that his numbers are shit and that he wants to receive more from the tight end slot.

    • Captain Howdy

      You conveniently left out the fact he rushed for 2 yards..bigot.

    • DodoTheLaser

      Question, Jimmy: why did you say Roger That another night and later changed it to Roger Goodell?
      It’s probably some sports reference, but you know how much I care about sports. Can you clarify?

      • Captain Howdy

        Roger Goodell is the commissioner of the NFL. Later D.

        • DodoTheLaser

          I know who he is, I looked it up. I don’t get why Jimmy mentioned him.

          • Captain Howdy

            I’m guessing it was a pun on “roger that”.

            • DodoTheLaser

              Oh, ok. Roger Waters.

            • Qbird


      • Jimmy3

        I don’t remember the context, but there must have been something football. I edited it almost immediately after posting it because I thought of something I thought was funnier. I just don’t remember what it was in response to, because you deleted all those posts

        • DodoTheLaser

          You said something that was very kind a funny, and kind.
          I got a bit emotional (very much so actually) and had to sign off,
          and dramatically deleted some of my posts in that thread.
          Thanks, btw. It wasn’t about football, just dodo stuff.
          Funny explains it, so I got my answer. Cheers.

          • Jimmy3

            Did I just get dumped? Dodo, I thought I was joking with you, not at your expense. If you thought something I’ve said was kind, it was meant that way. And I say this not knowing exactly what you’re talking about, but I know that I’ve never found reason to insult you.

            • DodoTheLaser

              No, you didn’t insult me at all. Rather opposite.
              And I wasn’t very clear at the end. Had to take care of my eyes.
              It’s all good. Thanks again.

            • Jimmy3

              I’m sorry about that. Usually after “Cheers”, a glass of wine is splashed in my face and I know I’ve just been dumped.

            • DodoTheLaser

              Since we both are straight and English is my second language – worry not. πŸ™‚

    • D.Y.G.

      I live here in the land of Black & Gold and nobody I asked remembers Bob Adams.

  • Rita Gregory

    The other day i wished to find a parking space right in front of the supermarket. When I pulled up there it was! An open space just waiting for me! Does this mean I’m a scientologist?

    • DeElizabethan

      Thank god no, but you may have OT pawahs.

  • Brainslugged

    I don’t think Hubbard can be used as a unit of time as it’s already being used as a noun. As in “I didn’t realize I’d stepped in Hubbard until I’d got home and walked it all over the carpet.”

  • Bob Adams lends credence to the current brouhaha about concussions in the NFL causing brain damage.

  • Robert Long

    Anyone else get the feeling the Mt. View flyer was originally supposed to say “New Era,” or “New Epoch” but they couldn’t get COB approval in time, so they left it “New [Unit of Time] when it went to the printer?

  • NOLA1972

    What with all the scientological emphasis on thetans, thetanism, thetanology and what not, I think the initial new unit of time should be called a “thecond”. And obviously, in turn, thixty theconds should equal one minion-t. 60 minion-ts should then equal a Hubbard. 24 Hubbards should equal a Org-y. And 365 Org-ies, of course, should ultimately equal one calendar Xenu. Excepting of course the ever lucky leap Xenu which will contain an extra Org-y for all to enjoy! Sadly, though, I’m afraid no amount of theconds, minion-ts, Hubbards, Org-ies or Xenus will ever likely add up to a single fact. All puns vigorously intended.