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Scientology claims credit for solving the crisis in Ferguson, Missouri

Bob_AdamsIt’s time for Sunday Funnies, our weekly feature for reviewing the Scientology mailers forwarded to us by our great tipsters. And once again, we have a bushel of fun circulars put out by the fundraisingest church on earth.

But first, we have to hand it to Scientology junior spokesman Bob Adams for taking the church’s public relations to OT 9.

Yesterday, a press release disguised as a news story carrying Bob’s byline showed up on something totally not sketchy called “World Religion News.”

In it, Bob wrote that it’s no surprise that things have finally started calming down in Ferguson, Missouri, which has seen so much unrest after the killing of Michael Brown by police officer Darren Wilson. The reason? Well it’s obvious, isn’t it? Scientologists have been handing out copies of L. Ron Hubbard’s little booklet, The Way to Happiness, and people have totally not been immediately throwing them in the trash when they see what a bunch of obvious drivel it is.

Calm is being restored, Bob says, after Barry Coziahr of the St. Louis org arranged to have the pamphlet handed out.

Bob then describes other parts of the world where Hubbard’s 1981 booklet has totally chased away evil dudes, restored economies, and made everyone so happy they shine.

Bob’s piece could only have been more precious if it had run in The Atlantic.

Before he became the perpetual second-stringer on the Scientology spokesteam, Bob enjoyed a career in the NFL, from 1969 to 1976. We were double-checking his NFL career and landed on his Wikipedia page and whoa check this thing out!

Now, if you or us or anyone else had a seven-year NFL career and then went on to work as a mid-level mouthpiece in the public relations department of even a pretty large US corporation, you better believe we’d get maybe a single line about our PR work and the entry would mostly be about how many touchdowns we scored.

But Bob gets an entry like his every move is a revelation! He traveled to Melbourne, Australia in December 2009 for the World Religions Conference! Oh my!

Even better, the article history shows that Bob’s entry was primarily developed by one of Wikipedia’s highest-level administrators. And we know that Scientology itself is banned from touching anything at the website. We can only conclude that Jimmy Wales’s crew is sucking up to Scientology, at least when it comes to Bob Adams, to make up for that little ban. If you have a better theory, we’d like to hear it!

Now, on to the rest of our Sunday Funnies!

If you trained as an auditor between 1950 and 2014…you have been tracked down and you are still getting mail from these nutters…

 
01-Auditors-weekend-2014

 
If you have 110, and you want 200, that’s 90 more you need. Thanks for the arithmetic, New Zealand org!

 
200-on-the-plaque

 
Alfreddie Johnson makes his triumphant return to Sacramento. (What, you don’t remember this?)

 
140906 SAC Rev A email

 
Hey look, it’s Tom Cruise’s brother-in-law, Greg Capizorio, and he’s headlining some kind of African drum campaign in the Bay Area. Huh?

 
svh

 
Check out this Sacramento couple’s explanation for how they “pace” their donations. Miscavige has to love this.

 
svncot

 
We read this and imagine how frustrating it must be for Scientologists to hear about all the strife in the world, day after day, when they know that L. Ron Hubbard had the answer for everything, if people would only listen.

 
testimonial - chuck s

 
You think we’re going to make a joke about Dick’s name. Would we stoop so low?

 
dick clark recruitment

 
Scientology’s reefer madness is too cute for words.

 
drugflyer1

 
The world is crumbling. The answer is easy — give money for Ideal Orgs!

 
hull

 
Hang on. Are they saying that the Los Feliz Mission is owned and run by the kid who played tubby catcher Ham Porter in The Sandlot? The same Patrick Renna whose father-in-law is the Larry Trahant we mentioned a few days ago? And on Friday night Patrick talked about how jazzed he was to learn about Xenu and the body thetans? Oh, we have to get video. Tipsters, score us the video!

 
pacifica-bridge-graduation-email-2

 
Blue Diamond contributor? Does South Africa have an entirely different set of status names? The mind boggles.

 
sa

 
Tristan can hallucinate better than ever!

 
success-email2

 
Refreshments! We want one of our Bunkerites to attend Sunday Service in Sydney and report on the refreshments. Please do this.

 
sunday service

 
And finally, Scientology has invented a new unit of time! We can’t wait to find out what it is! Do they call it a “hubbard”? Maybe a hubbard is the amount of time it takes for the ideal regging cycle to be completed. As in, “It took me a couple of hubbards, but I finally got his check. And it didn’t bounce!”

Tell us your own theories — what might the Scientologists call this new unit of time, and how long does it last?

 
sv5

 
Once again we want to thank our amazing tipsters.

 
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Bay Area Bunkerites get a good rockin’

A 6.0 earthquake hit Napa this morning at about 3:20 am local time. Hey, Bay Area Bunkerites, check in and let us know how you’re doing.

 
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Posted by Tony Ortega on August 24, 2014 at 07:30

E-mail your tips and story ideas to tonyo94@gmail.com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. Here at the Bunker we try to have a post up every morning at 7 AM Eastern (Noon GMT), and on some days we post an afternoon story at around 2 PM. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS (We read Scientology’s founding text) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25

UP THE BRIDGE (Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48

GETTING OUR ETHICS IN (Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING (Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49

PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | Scientology’s Private Dancer
The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

 

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