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Dianetics: Super Colon Blow For Your Mind

ColonBlowWelcome to our ongoing project, where we blog a 1950 first edition of Scientology’s bible, Dianetics, with the help of ex-Scientologist, lawyer, and author Vance Woodward. Go here for the first post in the series.

Vance, we’ve reached a chapter titled “The Laws of Returning,” and it’s at moments like these that we wonder how this book was ever taken seriously by anyone.

“Let us take an engram which comes from one of Mother’s bowel movements,” L. Ron Hubbard writes in this chapter and, come on, what human being puts those words together in a sentence?

She is straining, which causes compression, which brings about “unconsciousness” in the unborn child. Then, if she habitually talks to herself (a monologuist) as an enormous number of aberrated women do, she may say, “Oh, this is hell. I am all jammed up inside. I feel so stuffy I can’t think. This is too terrible to be borne.”

What is it the kids say today? “Said no one ever.”

But let’s humor Hubbard and entertain the thought that somewhere, at some time, a constipated pregnant woman spoke the words “I’m so stuffy I can’t think. This is too terrible to be borne.” Hubbard tells us that because she’s straining to relieve herself, it “knocks out” the fetus (again with the quotes because in Dianetics actual unconsciousness isn’t really necessary to soak up an engram) and whatever she then says gets absorbed by the zygote’s reactive mind, which takes everything literally.

Hubbard proposes two results. Later, as an adult, that child will have a persistent cold (“I feel so stuffy”) and will regret his own birth (“too terrible to be borne”).

Now, just let that sink in a moment.

We’re talking about a worldview that suggests a grown man could have the sniffles because, decades earlier while he was in the womb, his mother had a hard time taking a dump and unwisely spoke out loud while straining on the toilet.

This guy Hubbard had issues.

Vance, is it just that Scientologists don’t actually read this book, or had your fellow church members found a way to dismiss examples like this. Or, a horrifying thought, did they actually believe the human mind works this way?

VANCE: It’s complicated. Superficially, yes, Scientologists believe unquestioningly that the mind really works this way. If Hubbard says it’s so, then it’s so. A Scientologist’s only job is to understand what Hubbard wrote and then apply it. That said, I think most Scientologists know that they are not as messed up as they should be if it were so easy to mentally destroy a zygote with a mere pooping coupled to some horrific dialogue. So, I think this all plays out with Scientologists feeling a bit lucky that their engram-filled minds haven’t been “restimulated” to the point of making them go insane. In other words, Scientologists get the sense that they are sort of walking hair-trigger bombs that could be set off at any minute from some minor but restimulative event.

But I’m not sure that’s the most accurate answer nowadays. Take me. When I was in, my response to Hubbard’s claims was always more or less something along the lines of, “Well, I don’t know. Maybe. I guess. We’ll see. I’ll find out eventually. Either way, I hope I’ll get some benefit from this, like everybody else.”

Having talked to a few other ex-members, I now get the sense that nearly everybody has secret reservations. It’s like we were all a bunch of morons, each having our secret doubts, and each hiding those reservations to avoid being a downer for everybody else. Incidentally, this type of thing played out in other ways with, for example, some Scientologists simultaneously encouraging others to empty out their savings while they themselves saved their own money. It’s like the place is salted with voyeurs who are good at giving lip service while staying above the fray. I was not one of them. I mean, I was a voyeur too. But I paid for the privilege. In summary, nobody can deny that Scientology is much more about PR than actuality. And that’s part of what convinces me today that the e-meter does worse than nothing: it allows pathological liars and sociopaths to sail by in Scientology while earnest folks get hammered. Oh, those were fun times.

I can almost imagine a day when the entire religion falls apart and all that will remain is David Miscavige saying, “Geez, guys. By the time I realized it was all nonsense I felt obligated to carry on because everybody was hanging so much of their happiness and self-worth on my shoulders. I felt trapped. Terribly sorry about that.”

Well, maybe not.

THE BUNKER: The chapter then goes on to explain that there are ways the auditor can be skillful and detect when certain types of engrams are resisting removal. The auditor must use what Hubbard calls “repeater technique” to get at those basic problems that lie underneath a person’s problems.

And somehow, he always seems to come back to a preclear “remembering” the experience of being in the womb while his or her parents had sex fraught with anxiety and drama.

There’s this example that Hubbard supplies, for example, to illustrate how a woman makes a breakthrough during counseling. Up to this point, the auditor had been unable to get at her prenatal memories. But he kept at the repeater technique until finally…

GIRL: I have a somatic in my face! It feels like I am being pushed. (This was good news for the auditor knew she had a mid-prenatal pain shut-off which prevented later somatics from appearing.)

AUDITOR: Contact it more closely and continue to repeat.

GIRL: “Much later. Much later.” It’s getting stronger.

AUDITOR: Continue.

GIRL: “Much…” I hear a voice! There. That’s it. Why, that’s my father’s voice!

AUDITOR: Listen to the words and repeat them, please.

GIRL: He’s talking to my mother. Say, this face pressure is uncomfortable. It keeps going up and down on me. It hurts!

AUDITOR: Repeat his words please.

GIRL: He’s saying: “Oh honey, I won’t come in you now. It’s better to wait until much later to have one.” And there’s my mother’s voice. Say, this pressure is hurting me. No, it’s eased up considerably. Funny, the minute I contacted his voice, it got less.

AUDITOR: What is your mother saying, please, if you hear her?

GIRL: She’s saying: “I don’t want you in there at all then!” She’s mad! Say, the somatic stopped. (Coitus had ended at this point.)

AUDITOR: Please return to the start of this and recount.

GIRL: (Regains the beginning, somatic returns) I wonder what they’re doing? (then a pause) I hear a squishing sound! (then a pause and embarrassment) Oh!

Vance, why was L. Ron Hubbard so obsessed with his parents screwing? And wasn’t it obvious to his followers that they were supposed to work through his own hangups in their cases?

VANCE: Funny, when reading these examples, I always assumed that Hubbard was describing his own sexual experiences as an adult. Either way, it never occurred to me that Hubbard was essentially guiding people through his own personal hell and forcing others to “audit his case,” as it were. When I was in, I believed that he had alighted upon some universal truths and that, despite all the the shortcomings of Scientology, I could get a lot of benefit from it. I’d never heard anybody articulate the idea that fundamentally, we Scientologists were being forced to work through Hubbard’s hangups. Only then did it seem obvious. It makes me wonder if Scientology doesn’t attract people who are similar in some way to Hubbard. Yikes.

I should probably note that Dianetics is way more focused on sex than the bulk of Scientology. So, you might be getting a slightly warped idea of what Scientologists are learning on the whole. Don’t get me wrong, Scientologists tend to be a little sexually repressed in my experience. As an example, masturbation is discouraged though not, in my experience, grounds to be sent to an Ethics Officer, the Scientology thought police.

THE BUNKER: Thanks, Vance. We hate to think of you going to ethics for that. Anyway, just for fun we’ve put a headline on this story that brought back some great memories of a person we sorely miss. He was taken from us 15 years ago this month. Phil, you were the best…

 

 
Next week — Babylon Surmising: Dianetics Rights an Ancient Wrong

 
——————–

Posted by Tony Ortega on May 2, 2013 at 07:00

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If you’d like to help support The Underground Bunker, please e-mail our webmaster Scott Pilutik at BunkerFund@tonyortega.org

 

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  • Maybe the cure for scientology or dianetics really is more scientology. Just keep reading and you will reach the enlightened thought that Hubtard was completely bonkers. Just an FYI, constipation in a pregnant woman can be a sign that the birth is near.

    • VickiStubing

      Another FYI, diarrhea can also be a sign that the birth is near. So can vomiting. Which, oddly enough, is also a sign that you’ve read too much Dianetics.

      • RMycroft

        “Ron once said that if you make a person confront themselves it would
        make them sick. I did, one day in conversation and after about five
        minutes my guinea pig vomited.

        Validation by Ron!”
        HCO Bulletin of Aug 10, 1960.

        • Observer

          Nothing is validated unless the full palette of patio furniture colors can be discerned by the exteriorized thetan after sunset!

          • hogarthian

            hahahhahahahah! maybe that’s how we should start counting scio’s?…. Night flights with an infra red camera, seeking out the luminous patio furniture. That’s probably how DM does it anyway!

        • ThetaBara

          Scientology: it’s enough to make a guinea pig vomit!

  • Observer

    Ho. Ly. Crap! The driveling of the Rediscoverer of the Human Soul makes the clunky, awkward dialogue in Star Wars episodes I, II and III sound like Shakespeare. Also … stuffy? It’s a good thing I never had kids as I am obviously not mother material. I have never once held a bizarrely worded conversation with myself regarding the performance of my gastrointestinal system, on the pot or elsewhere.

    ” … I think most Scientologists know that they are not as messed up as they should be if it were so easy to mentally destroy a zygote with a mere pooping coupled to some horrific dialogue.” Thank you, Vance, I will now be bursting out in guffaws at various inappropriate times for the rest of the day. If you ever decided to write a paraphrase of Dianetics I would totally buy it.

    • hogarthian

      “I have never once held a bizarrely worded conversation with myself regarding the performance of my gastrointestinal system, on the pot or elsewhere.” ??????? Awwww come ooonnnnn Obs! I ain’t buying that. You’ve never once sat on the bog and been so startled by what occurred that you said out loud “What The Fuck?!?!”…. 😉

      • Observer

        Nope. Thankfully. Although I wouldn’t consider WTF bizarrely worded. lol

      • FistOfXenu

        So using Liar Ron Humptydumpty’s “logic” would that leave the fetus confused between what’s sex and what’s a bowel movement? Much LOLage follows from imagining what that would be like. “Was it good for you?” “Yeah, I always feel better after a dump” “A dump? But that’s not what we were doing!”

        • hogarthian

          “A dump? But that’s not what we were doing!”

          “Hey…. it might not’ve been what YOU were doin’ honey….”

          • FistOfXenu

            “If that’s how you take a dump how do you have sex?”
            “There’s a difference?”

    • sugarplumfairy

      You’d make a great mom.. I can just tell..

  • chisheila

    OHMYGOD that was SO funny!
    Most of the SO members I knew in the late 70s and early to mid 80s never read Dianetics. They all started it and put it down.
    We missed some good laughs, for sure!

    • FistOfXenu

      Yup, Hubbard sure kept all the good stuff for the end of the book.

  • Michael Barger

    Once again, Kudos to Vance and Tony for their dissection of Dianetics. I hope you will publish these articles as an e-book.

    • FistOfXenu

      Yes please. Serious request. Same with Atack and the Headleys while you’re at it.

  • Truthiwant

    I remember being lectured by somebody at the Org in Milan, Italy, about masturbation.

    “LRH says that it is wrong.”

    Well, there’s no point in arguing with what LRH said, but to be honest, the only reason you
    don’t have a good wank every now and again is because it’s going to come up in
    auditing. You’re going to regret and pay a lot of money for those five minutes
    of personal pleasure!

    There is no spiritual reason whatsoever in Scientology that an individual should not
    masturbate. When Gerry Armstrong discovered Hubbard’s “Admissions” (unpublished
    writings of LRH) one of the things that Hubbard admitted to was “That masturbation
    is no sin or crime”.

    • hogarthian

      I think I may have suggested this before, but, well… I’m looking for any excuse. We should all arrange to meet outside big blue, whip off our jeans and wank ourselves senseless, loudly, all day.

      • Truthiwant

        I think that we might find ourselves in the LA cooler!!

      • Captain Howdy

        What! Taking a leak in public can get you branded as a sex offender in the U.S

      • Missionary Kid

        What would be better is carrying signs with depictions of LRH wanking, with quotes from him to back it up.

        • hogarthian

          Excellent idea! … We should get OTVIII and FoX on designing them IMMEDIATELY… it’ll give them something to really get their teeth into.

          • Missionary Kid

            It has to have the tag line, “Brought to you by Xenu.”
            Maybe The Angry Gay Pope can give us the best place to stand on the sidewalk.

          • FistOfXenu

            For real signs used at real demos this isn’t any good but here’s my 1st thought :

    • John P.

      Recall that Hubbard’s “Admissions” are more a series of affirmations he’s trying to use to unthread his own internal craziness. He’s saying “Masturbation is no sin or crime” not because he believes that is true but because he’s hoping he can somehow reprogram his own mind so that he doesn’t feel so much guilt or shame over his own onanistic tendencies.

      It is possible that Hubbard read some of the old turn-of-the-century anti-masturbation crusaders’ texts such as the work of John H. Kellogg, brother of the founder of the cereal company. Kellogg believed that masturbation literally could kill you. He advocated treatments including circumcision without anesthesia, applying carbolic acid to the female genitalia, and severing the erectile nerve in the more extreme cases, and “chastity belt” type apparatus and electric shocks in the less severe cases.

      This is not to excuse this sort of pathological craziness and the damage that Hubbard may have wrought on his followers’ psyches, but to point out that not too terribly long before Hubbard was born, this sort of thought was actually mainstream in some sectors of American life.

      • Ze Moo

        I have a 1915 edition of the Boy Scout manual. It states that since it take 4 drops of blood to make one drop of semen, masturbating will bleed you to death. That’s a lot of masturbating…..

        • Missionary Kid

          I’ve been dead for 60 years. 😉

        • FistOfXenu

          If you’re gonna do it do it right

      • Truthiwant

        Masturbation was frowned upon here in Europe and probably still is in some societies. Apparantly it could make you go blind.

        • TheNextMrsTomCruise

          I heard it could make your palms grow hair. That is why I always use an apparatus

          • Missionary Kid

            Have you ever seen anyone with hairy palms? I haven’t.
            I always thought the hairy palms urban legend was in the same category as putting salt on a bird’s tail makes it possible to catch it.

            • TheNextMrsTomCruise

              How are you gonna put salt on a bird’s tail without catching it first?
              I have never seen anyone with hairy palms, although I imagine Ents must have them, since there are no Entish women. And Big Beings probably have hairy palms as well, since they are in the same mythical category as Ents.

            • Missionary Kid

              The salt on the tail theory is what you tell little kids to keep them busy. It’s just as much an illusion as hairy palms.

            • I just tell them to catch a squirrel. Which is much funnier given the current surroundings. *g*

            • Missionary Kid

              LOL ^^^

          • Captain Howdy

            “I heard it could make your palms grow hair”

            No, that’s Lycanthropy.

          • FistOfXenu

            It’s why I always tried to get somebody else to do it for me. 😀

      • frank norris

        Not that ‘The Master’ is anything to do with Scientology at all, but we see the Master being masturbated BY his wife while standing over the bathroom sink…

        • ThetaBara

          Are you sure that was his wife?

          • FistOfXenu

            It wasn’t a lady. 😛

      • FistOfXenu

        Even worse, John P, he advocated eating corn flakes!

      • monkeyknickers

        When I was reading (for the first time) Hubbard’s “affirmations” yesterday, I noticed that he specifically includes his parents in the whole thing. I can’t remember the exact wording but something like – Masturbation is okay, no matter what my parents say. I’m thinking Hubbard may have had some festering mommy issues.

        What happened to his parents anyhow? In the two bios I’ve read, they just sort of leave the scene after being way over involved in his life.

      • Rebecca

        Just read those kooky affirmations last night. Seriously mysogynist, but really only Ron himself seems to be treated well.
        He does mention that his parents and school (at a health check?) had advised against masturbation. Lots of magical thinking, IMHO.

  • RMycroft

    The addition of Scientology causes problems for Hubbard’s Dianetics idea of pre-birth engrams back to conception. The Thetan only attaches itself to a baby shortly before birth, so who is the who that is getting smacked with these engrams?

    There is the Genetic Entity, which kind of flows down the genetic line from our progenitor clams. I get the impression that the GE was gradually shoved out of mainstream Hubbard science over the years.

    • Captain Howdy

      “The Thetan only attaches itself to a baby shortly before birth, so who is the who that is getting smacked with these engrams?”

      Bingo! Riddle me that Fatman!!!

      P.S- Why am I trying to find “plot holes” in the ravings of a schizo a-hole?

      • Observer

        Because it’s fun?

        • Captain Howdy

          You’ve uncovered my “Covert Instigator Progressor”

          Fun + Fun + Fun = Bum

          • Roger Larsson

            If Hubbard had done some studying in how to complete cycles to everyone’s satisfaction he had taken lessons by Allen Funt, the founder of “the cult of “Candid Camera”.
            Hubbard never told the elites ELITE “pre-clears” to smile because he had a greed for
            money, power and fame so they go on having a war with his conspiracy enemies; they are in a war with critics, psychs and communists; they are in a war with people opposing a
            fraud.
            A caring Hubbard had told them to smile because he conned them and they
            had left his show with a laugh.

      • RMycroft

        It’s no worse than worrying over Star Wars holes, or who heard Charles Foster Kane say “Rosebud”.

        • Captain Howdy

          Or the entirety of “The Walking Dead”, or why doesn’t all of Bruce Banner’s clothes rip-off.

          • TheNextMrsTomCruise

            I’ve got the answer to the Walking Dead engrams. All the Zombies read Dianetics and believed it.

          • Stretch pants.

      • The Battlefield Earth spork says that BE “doesn’t so much have plot holes, as tenuous wisps of plot struggling to cohere in the shrieking void.”

    • ThetaBara

      I noticed that too. It’s not even internally consistent. What a bunch of gobbldeygook.

      • ThetaBara

        Where’s my goddamn downvote? You falling alseep on the job out there, OSA?

        • TheNextMrsTomCruise

          There you go. I just gave you a down vote to keep you happy.

          • ThetaBara

            Thanks. I’m just trying to help them get in some last minute clicks since it is Staturday and all. They still have a couple hours out here.

        • It’s because you mis-spelled gobbledygook. How can they word-clear it if they can’t look it up in the dictionary?

          • ThetaBara

            I am SUCH an SP!

          • ThetaBara

            I am SUCH an SP!

          • FistOfXenu

            Idea time. What if we all start using words they aren’t likely to know but we spell them wrong so they can’t word clear them? Would their brains bog down like a computer in a scifi movie that goes “does not compute” over and over til is shoots flames and smoke?

    • Missionary Kid

      Now there’s an oxymoron if I ever saw one: Hubbard science.

    • FistOfXenu

      Did you REALLY just say “mainstream Hubbard science”? All in the same sentence?
      That’s my Thursday laughter quota filled 10 times over.

  • It’s hard to resist sighing sadly when reading this awful nonsense, but even worse the thought that there were so many people who lapped it up when many of them would have had more knowledge of medicine and science in general than Hubbard.

    This ability that some have to turn off any critical thinking ability because they’re dazzled by the personality and charisma of the person telling them things which even a retarded dormouse would question.

    Fortunately 60 years later no one would fall for ‘Dianetics’ now. Nor would they believe ridiculous conspiracy theories or buy expensive handbags just because they were branded ‘Kardashian’.

    (I have a sneaking suspicion that there’s something not entirely right about the preceding paragraph but I can’t quite put my finger on it.)

    Andrew

    • sugarplumfairy

      Perhaps it’s the words ‘branded’ and ‘kardashian’ used so closely together.. It reminds one of cattle..

      • hogarthian

        YES! You’ve placed that abattoir stun gun precisely on the heads of the Kardashian herd there! My teenage daughter is transfixed by them (which is fine, ‘cos she then discusses, for hours, how dysfunctional they are), but all I hear coming out of their mouths is ‘moo moooooo moooo moo mooooooo moooo’ LOL!

        • Missionary Kid

          Funny, but what I hear is, oink, oink, oink.

          • ThetaBara

            Love that our downvote troll is defending the kartrashians!

            • Missionary Kid

              I’ve made a couple of comments about the downtroll, but now I’ll just ignore him or her.

              Kartrashians is perfectly appropriate. Ultra-materialistic leeches is also an apt description.

            • ThetaBara

              I have nothing but love for the downvote trolls. One day, they will be out here with us!

            • Missionary Kid

              It will be ironic if they downvote your statement.

            • ThetaBara

              They still have an hour and 45 minutes until WUS Staturday!

              I also kinda love it, because it is a little cry in the dark, letting us know they are out there, wading through our entheta, sufferingthe slings and arrows of our joking and degrading.

              Even OSA are people. I hope I don’t get anyone in any trouble. And I hope they come and join us soon.

            • FistOfXenu

              Don’t worry. They’re already in trouble. That’s why they’re here.

            • Missionary Kid

              I love the smell of futility in the morning.

            • FistOfXenu

              Members of the cult don’t do irony. They take everything literal. He-e-e-e-ey, you don’t think they’re completely ruled by their engram driven reactive minds do you? 😮

            • Missionary Kid

              No, because I don’t believe in the reactive mind. :0

        • Casabeca

          The UK is used to calling out the bad girls as bovine. ;). Silly cows!
          Edit: obs beat me to it!

      • Observer

        They are rather bovine, aren’t they?

    • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

      NO ANDREW ROBERTSON NO!

      Scientology makes the individual smarter, saner, and more able.

      What Scientology turns off are aberrated wog mental processes, one of which is falsely and ridiculously so-called “critical thinking.”

      Look at the condition this planet is in and you will see that there is no actual critical thinking going on anywhere except in the Church of Scientology. We alone are the authorities on the mind, education, drug treatment, prenatal engrams, past lives, baby food, and business administration.

      In the lexicon of Psychiatry, “critical thinking” actually defines the antisocial and suppressive act of attacking and destroying the Church of Scientology.

      The good news is that Fleet Admiral David Miscavige stands ever ready in his unceasing vigilance to terminatedly handle all insane SP’s and Psych criminals who would dare attack Mankind’s only hope of salvation.

      All please rise and join we in RTC in saying, “Thank you sir!”

      http://i1284.photobucket.com/albums/a563/OTVIIIisGrrr8/FADM7_zpsd44cf8f4.jpg

      • Captain Howdy

        I bet all that salad on his asthmatic chest weighs more than the gnome does.

      • Jgg2012

        Show us a perfect clear.

        • OTVIIIisGrrr8!
          • FistOfXenu

            No no! Not somebody you can see through especially if you look through his ears. A CLEAR! Somebody with no reactive mind, not somebody with no mind at all. We don’t even need somebody that can communicate freely. Just somebody that can form real sentences that make sense with real words all by himself without a script.

          • Jgg2012

            I said a “perfect clear”, not a perfect …never mind.

      • elar aitch

        OK OTVIIIisgrrrr8, sometimes I laugh loudly at your satirical rendition. Other times, like now, I shake my head slowly and fear that your handle has been overtaken by an actual ronbot. Poe’s Law in effect again.

  • hogarthian

    I love your posts Tony. But I also hate them. They make me think too much, and not arrive at anything concrete. It makes my head hurt. L Ron Fucktard was truly that, a fucktard, sandwich short of a picnic, gherkin short of a quarter pounder…. whatever you want to call it.

    Anyone with a few alternately wired neurons has the potential to wreak havoc, and they do…Ghengis Khan, any Caeser you care to name, Hitler, Bonnie & Clyde, Edi Amin, Margaret Thatcher, the Boston bombers……. you get the gist. It fascinates me how it manifests itself. LRF, it appears to me, was your archetypal geek. Undoubtedly clever, short attention span, self esteem issues that presented as a god complex, physically falls a little short of your average bloke, vivid imagination. But it also could have gone the other way. He could have ended up a travelling salesman in the 1900’s selling his own medicinal cures, or a proper writer, or a politician (he’d have been fucking perfect), or owning a chain of 1960’s sex shops, or one of those eccentric yet gifted university professors who inspire generations of people to think outside the box. It’s just FASCINATING!

    I blame the parents.

    p.s. Miscavige…. I blame his parents too 😉

    p.p.s. Giving birth, at the age of 31, cured me of my lifelong constipation issues… ask Vance what that means?!

    • sugarplumfairy

      That was an awesome rant!!

    • monkeyknickers

      Really? That is amazing, H . . . . huh, I wonder why it got better. Parts shifted a little?

      • hogarthian

        I reckon! the only downside is that my tits and arse also shifted. Oh well eh?

    • elar aitch

      You’ve really got to worry when childbirth affects your ability to hold things in.

  • Real Shellback

    Scientology seems just like getting addicted to heroin (not that I’ve ever done that either.) The first blush feels kind of nice, you get lots of encouragement and love-bombing. The early courses SEEM to make you more confident and who couldn’t use that?

    But then, you struggle to get that ‘feeling’ again. Also you are informed that Scientology is the only bridge across death, not that anyone dies in the first place, but with Scientology you can remember this life as apposed to forgetting like you did the last million times or so.

    Why anyone would want to remember their life as a Scientology member is an open question.

    • EnthralledObserver

      That ‘open question’ is the question of the century. Bravo!

    • sugarplumfairy

      Yah.. Since they’re only meat bodies and no one really dies, why do they use that obnoxious threat, “you’ll die alone and in the dark?”

      Because they’re obnoxious a**holes and will say whatever it takes to browbeat and cow another human being..

      the fairy needs to smack something..

      • Real Shellback

        The way people treat others is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. For Hubbard’s fairy tale to solve all of your problems, you have to have problems in the first place. If you don’t have a lot of problems, we’ll make some up for you!

        • Captain Howdy

          “You have to think you have a lot of problems in the first place to even seek out this group of amateur Psychologists.”

          Actually it is the psychs (Freud) and Tennessee Williams etc. fault. I remember growing up in the 60’s, and this idea that all of our problems were due to suppressed sub-conscious desires or traumatic incidents we had “forgotten’, and if some psych could make us remember we would be miraculously whole and normal again like Liz Taylor, was the concept that was being pushed on everyone. Hubbard just took the bullshit and ran with it.

          • mirele

            Whole and normal like Liz Taylor? Even as a child I thought she was amazingly glamorous–and amazingly fucked up.

            • Captain Howdy

              I left out “like Liz Taylor’s character in the movie adaptation of the Tennessee Williams play “Suddenly Last Summer”, who becomes whole and normal again after her shrink played by Monty Cliff helps her remember she witnessed her ne’er-do-well cousin get eaten by a bunch of Greek street urchin kids on the beach”.

              Sorry.

            • Eaten? Apparently I need to watch the movie soon.

            • Captain Howdy

              It’s a hoot.

            • If I can ever figure out where the kids hid the Weird Al DVD, I’ll have to get it from Netflix. Loved Liz Taylor in “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof.”

            • Don’t forget that cruel Aunt Violet, played by Katherine Hepburn, wanted to have her lobotomized for remembering such terrible, untrue things! So, the psych saves the girl from lobotomy. LRH just exploded in his grave.

            • BosonStark

              Poor Sebastian Venable! All he wanted was some decent island trade and a room that could be rented by the hour, and he ends up being devoured by street urchins. All the while, the baby sea tortoises hatch and race to the sea as the Vulture Ministers swoop down and try to give them touch assists and sell them copies of Dianutty.

          • Real Shellback

            There seem to be a truism that goes like, “some people find anything therapeutic, even pain.” In this light, Scientology does “work” for some people. just not everyone. Psychology is and attempt to quantify and reduce all of that stuff which works for people and get rid of stuff that’s harmful. It is a kind of medical practice, although it’s not a hard science because it deals with behaviors and not chemistry or broken bones. Scientology to my mind starts out as a pseudo-Psychology kind of thing written by a lay person and quickly descends into a money-making scam.

            So of course it works for some people. Dunking people repeatedly in freezing water worked for some people too, they didn’t do that because they were cruel, they did it because it worked – sometimes.

            • EnthralledObserver

              I said this over at Marty’s before I got banned:
              Of course the cake tastes good, it’s meant to… but that does not mean it is good for you!

            • Real Shellback

              There is little point getting into a rational discussion Marty. I can appreciate his position. He want to be the Scientology Martin Luther and like ML he will always side on Hubbard’s dogma over critical thinking or rationality – except that which does not conflict with Hubbard cannon. What he wants is to grab shards of Scientology as it shatters.

              That being said, I for one would much rather see him cherry-pick some of the beneficial aspects of Hubbard cannon dump the silly or harmful stuff. He may be doing that for all I know, however other than the interesting drama of Scientology harassing that bunch there is nothing of note going on there.

      • TheNextMrsTomCruise

        the fairy needs to smack something.

        I’ve been chuckling over that remark all afternoon. Everyone knows fairies are far too small to effectively smack anything. Well, possibly a flea…

        • FistOfXenu

          I was chuckling too. For a different reason.

        • sugarplumfairy

          Remind me about that comment next time I see you.. =)

      • “the fairy needs to smack something..”

        Couldn’t you smack some of your patients? And at the Disciplinary Hearing claim that it was a new therapy you’d invented to speed their recovery?

        Alternatively smack your cousin until she confessed her hidden crimes, if not in this life, then on her whole track?

        Andrew

        “Roll up your sleeve, this won’t hurt!”

        • sugarplumfairy

          I’d rather smack you, Andrew.. C’mere.. this won’t hurt a bit.. =)

  • EnthralledObserver

    I’ve been banned again from Marty’s, for absolutely no good reason, again. Just because I won’t drop my point, I guess… the pussy.
    Anyway, because I am banned I can’t actually ask Marty for his interpretation and justification of some of these Dianetics examples… anyone game take up the mantle?
    I am highly offended, and more so every week as this Dianetics disection continues, by Hubbard’s assertion that my kids hangups and issues are all MY fault, just because my body worked the way it was supposed to.
    No, if I’ve got to take the credit for my kids being so messed up, then let it be because I was a shit mother or just plain stupid.
    *hands hubby another beer and sits back and watches while he gets drunk, criticises me, neglects his children and household duties and sets an all round bad example*
    And it’s all MY fault…??? Hurrumph!
    (note: I used my hubby in an exaggerated example… he’s not always so bad :p )

    • hogarthian

      oops!…. I’ve just ‘blamed the parents’ for EVERYTHING. 😉

      And maybe Dianetics is where we all got the expression ‘shit mother’ from?

      • EnthralledObserver

        omfg… Dianetics and Scientology are all TRUE… how COULD I have been so misguided. Off to the nearest Org to sign my billion year contract.
        Which by happenstance is still in Sydney, after over 60 years of straight up and vertical expansion there isn’t one closer than over 2000km away…

        • Missionary Kid

          Hopefully, the distance to the closest Org will increase exponentially for all of us.

          • The true reason the universe is expanding: It abhors an ideal Org.

            • Missionary Kid

              ^^^^^ lol.

            • Observer

              I nominate this as comment of the week.

            • Sokramor

              Seconded.

        • What about the Auckland Ideal Org? Ummm … no, it’s not scheduled to open until the Super Power edifice is completed. They don’t want to steal Dave’s thunder. There used to be a Mission in Christchurch but I heard a rumour that the staff had all gone over to the Dark Side and become defrocked Independents,

          Speaking of which, I think Mike and Marty look much more manly in trousers than frocks.

          I do find it faintly repellent that Scientology steals words usually reserved for religions, like minister, ecclesiastical, confessional, priest, penitent, baptism, apostate and to complete the circle, ‘religion’.

          Andrew

          • Captain Howdy

            Andrew, speaking of Auckland, why can’t I name my kid “E-Meter” in NZ if I wanted to?

            http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/05/02/new-zealand-updates-banned-baby-names-list/

            • FistOfXenu

              Child abuse laws?

            • TheNextMrsTomCruise

              Well, you aren’t allowed to name him SP either.

            • Because the Registrar-General of Births, Deaths and Marriages would deem it unreasonable, offensive and not in the public interest. That’s why!

              Births, Deaths, Marriages, and Relationships Registration Act 1995

              […]

              (4) The Registrar-General shall include a name or combination of names in the information recorded under this Act or a former Act relating to a person’s birth (or direct a Registrar to do so) unless, in the Registrar-General’s opinion, it is undesirable in the public interest for the person to bear it

              […]

              (8) For the purposes of this section, it is undesirable in the public interest for a person to bear a name or combination of names if, and only if,—

              (a) it might cause offence to a reasonable person; or

              (b) it is unreasonably long; or

              (c) without adequate justification, it is, includes, or resembles, an official title or rank.

              […]

              Andrew Emperor Xenu Marcab Robertson

            • Captain Howdy

              Actually, I approve of the idea, but I also approve of the “Benevolent Dictatorship” concept sometimes, when I’m in my cups..

            • Just quoting from memory (which in my case is occasionally faulty), but doesn’t the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution say something like:

              “……. the right of the people to keep and bear arms and name their children whatever they goddamn chose, shall not be infringed.”?

              More silly names:

              http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/6219744/Ridiculous-and-regal-kids-names-rejected

              Andrew

            • Captain Howdy

              Andrew, we have it all in the USA. Thirty round clips, crazy cults, and kids named “Blanket” running around loose.

              Somebody in NZ wanted to name their kids “Mafia No Fear” and “Anal”? That completely shatters my fantasy about NZ being one of the last sane places on earth.

            • “Your Honour, I would plead leniency in your sentencing of my client. Though she has been found guilty of killing her parents, she is now an orphan and their naming her Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii Jones was a sure recipe for Parenticide.”

              Andrew

            • FistOfXenu

              Yup. Some names are just an invitation to your kids to help you with your assisted suicide long before you even know you want it. How could any parent go through the next 18 yrs calling their kid Anal? “Anal, time to come home for dinner!” And then there’s what the kid goes through in school.

              But I’ll go with “anaL Ron Hubbard” if he was still alive. And how about a name change for a certain Demented Midget when he meets his room mate Bubba?

            • Observer

              I remember reading about her court appearance and the judge letting her change her name. Poor kid.

    • Truthiwant

      Is this your husband by any chance?

    • Captain Howdy

      Banned from marty’s? You truly are Queen for a Day.

  • DM please read the instructions. Colon Blow goes in your mouth and out your bum not the other way around you silly boy.

    • hogarthian

      LOL!

    • RMycroft

      Shhh! We’re going to switch the Colon Blow for turkey stuffing, lock him in his tanning bed and crank it way up. (Not sure how to get him to stick an apple in his mouth yet.)

      An authentic early American recipe from Jamestown.

      • hogarthian

        Again… LOL!

      • I am sure the hungry folks in the Sea Org would dive right in to that. But just think of all the issues they will have after. I mean the runs for a month, I am sure.

  • claybonnyman

    Dadgum. I can only – once again – express my utter bafflement that anybody, anywhere, at any time buys into anything Hubbard says or advises once he or she has read this sort of nonsense. It reads like a parody of the worst kind of phony therapy.

    I’d never thought of the whole enterprise as, essentially, asking people to work out Hubbard’s own issues, but that seems like a highly plausible interpretation.

    And it is scary indeed if $cientology attracts people who essentially share his hangups. Brrrrr.

    Oh, and thanks for the Super Colon Blow replay. One of my wife’s and my favorite all-time SNL sketches.

    • hogarthian

      Yup…. it is all so OBVIOUSLY about his own hang ups!! He’s written a ‘solution’ to every single ****ing thing that he either internally struggled with or externally came up against, physically or psychologically. It’s so clearly a ‘users guide to the internal workings of LRF’, ‘The Brain of a Social Outcast For Dummies’. His followers didn’t look too deeply when he first cranked it out because it was the 50’s/60’s/70’s (whatever), and the rantings of mad men weren’t as common as they are now. It was new, and compelling, and they ****ing fell for it. Simple as. I’d say.

      • claybonnyman

        I feel pretty snotty for saying so, but somehow I don’t think I could have fallen for his schtick if I’d read the hogwash above about stuffiness, squishiness and prenatal sexual abuse by Daddy.

        I’ve always thought Hubbard was insane – I’ve never been involved in any way with $cientology, but came to know about him through the science-fiction vector – but the more I read of this dissection of Dianetics the more astonished I am.

        I’m also about three-quarters the way through “Let’s All Sell Them a Piece of Blue Sky” by Jon Atack and I’m also just a little bit terrified to learn of the truly Stalinist, Mafia-esque, Orwellian tactics these freakshow people lengths will go to to protect their “religion.” I’ll give Hubbard this: he understood how to use the law to harass, attack and force people and institutions to back down.

        Looks like they are on the run these days, but I eagerly await the (figurative) noose slipping down around Miscavige’s neck.

        Question to anyone who cares to answer: Is the “church” of Latter Day Lunatics seeing its Waterloo on the horizon?

        • Espiando

          If it is, then DM’s spin on it will be that CoS isn’t Napoleon, it’s ABBA. Their career went straight up and vertical after “Waterloo”.

    • hogarthian

      and p.s. I think most of us share most of his hang-ups, we’re just not missing that tiny bit of connective brain tissue that enables us to just get the fuck on with it and stop looking for an answer to questions that should, in a ‘normal’ person, remain firmly inside your own head. He was a fucking narcissist of the first order, so it stands to reason that he would want to make his own problems into the world’s problems.

      Ok…. stream of consciousness over (I think). 😉

    • Spackle Motion

      I’m floored that it’s been 15 years. I was working about 3 blocks away from Phil’s house on the day he was shot (his house was close to Ventura Blvd). I remember that the cops blocked off his street from multiple directions and traffic was a nightmare for several hours (but it doesn’t take much for traffic to be a nightmare in that area). It was a very sad scene, and many in the area were deeply affected by his murder and his wife’s suicide.

      • Observer

        That was a horrible day. I remember when the news flash came over the TV. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

  • Captain Howdy

    So my mom being constipated and my dad poking me in the eye with his dick is the reason my life is shit?

    Thanks Ron, I knew it was their fault somehow, but I thought it had something to do with bad genes.

    • hogarthian

      Not bad genes. She only needed to consume her 5-a-day and embrace anal sex, job done.

    • Truthiwant

      Captain, you know that everything that ever happened to you is your own responsibility, so stop blaming your dad’s dick and your mum’s bowels.

      • Captain Howdy

        How can it be my responsibility when I’m inherently irresponsible?

        • FistOfXenu

          You pulled in having those parents. There, now it’s everybody’s fault except LRH. Did you expect some thing different?

    • Captain Howdy

      Wow down boy, a hat-trick? Now I really do feel special.

      • Observer

        Are you shattered by the incredibly powerful confront being exhibited here today?

        • Captain Howdy

          I’m an old Punk. The more people hate me, the more I piss them off, the stronger and happier I get!

          http://youtu.be/m38EdJeM6dU

          • Espiando

            You know, Cap, someone’s got to do for SF Punk what We Got The Neutron Bomb did for LA Punk. The SF scene in the late 70s is definitely under-reported. It’s pretty much Vale and nobody else doing the documenting.

          • Observer

            I’m not a punk (though I did venture into Kings Road Market in London in 1985), but all this down arrowing is putting me in the mood to crank out a bunch of J&D shoops since I know they’ll have a clam audience.

        • Rita Gregory

          LMAO!

  • BosonStark

    Dianutty has a version of Super Colon Blow also, called New Era Dianutty (for Operating Thetans — “NOTS”) that was “estimated by Ron” to be 100 times more powerful than that old Dianutty, and is still advertised as such.

    I know I was probably missing a lot of dimensions, but in the beginning of my reading about Sciloontology, Dianutty was a huge stumbling block for me, because I considered people who had read it and lapped it up — I mean for whom it was a “page turner” — to be insanely gullible.

    If you could get past the forest fire of, “Dianutty is a milestone for Man comparable to his discovery of fire,” to see the trees hanging with crazy about attempted abortions, washing machine sex, and constipation, I thought these people would be beyond the point of any kind of conventional reason, FOREVER.

    The more members or ex-members who said they became interested in Scientology because Dianutty provided the answers they’d “always been looking for,” the more hopeless I considered them. As it turns out, that’s probably under 5% of people who were drawn into Scientology. Of the people who got into Scientology after reading Dianutty, it was more often that they just wanted to try auditing to see if it would work for them, and was more likely to be driven by the fact they didn’t understand Dianutty. Instead, they wanted to do Dianutty, to feel good, and of course, be released from something in their past that was blocking their progress or happiness.

    Scientology is not something you can really understand — it’s something you do. And what you do, more often than not, is get trapped in it for a period of time. Also, the bulk of “doing’ is devoted to selling it to oneself and others, in some way, as you work through Hubbard’s case.

  • Espiando

    Every time I think about Dianetics and the pre-natal sex engrams, I keep thinking of Chris Morris’ Eminem parody in the (in)famous Brass Eye Paedophilia Special:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JC8s2OahR-Q

    And that makes me wonder about a lot of things in Scientology, especially the relationship between L. Ron and Snake Thompson, and what was done to poor Alexander when he was a teenager.

    It also convinces me of one other thing: If I knew then what I know now about me, that I was a fetus inside an unmarried 17-year-old Catholic girl, Dianetics’ brand of bullshit might have convinced me to try Scientology. Who knew that keeping knowledge from adopted kids would have an unforseen benefit?

    • Espiando

      Oh, come on. Who’s downvoting Chris Morris? That’s like downvoting the Easter Bunny.

      • FistOfXenu

        Will Chris Morris bring me chocolate?

  • SciWatcher

    Isn’t this what Marty is basing his whole thing [I would call it philosophy, but that just makes it seem too erudite for what it is] on? His idea seems to be that what Hubbard wrote first is “true” Scientology. You know, the stuff he wrote before all the lies got in the way.

    • Espiando

      I think what Marty is doing is expanding on his cognition that Hubbard contradicted himself at one time or another about pretty much everything, and he’s going back to Source’s Sources to try to figure out which HCOPLs correctly reflect Hubbard’s initial intent. He is correct in saying that as Hubbard grew older and richer and more paranoid, he grew more dictatorial, and the policies reflected that. Effectively, Marty’s trying to find the one or two daisies growing inside the five acres of stinkweed that is the corpus of Hubbard. At that point, he can use synecdoche to justify the Tech as a whole, stating that this is what the Tech actually is and what Hubbard intended it to be.

      As you can see from the comments at his blog, there are a number of Indies who are already forming the word “squirrel” on their lips. Some, in fact, have already broken from him for some rather innocuous statements he’s made that’s enturbulated the Indie True Believers. And he’s going to get more of it as he continues his journey down the Middle Path. Look at that one silly bitch earlier this week who said that she believed Hubbard was right when he said that anyone who criticizes Scientology is a criminal on the Whole Track.

      • Sidney18511

        Marty is trying to polish a turd. I always think that he is getting really pissed that with all the shite he knew he didn’t write a best seller that would of made him rich. But he was so deeply involved in so many crimes that if he opens that can of beans, he’s in there. Right next to that little piece of bacon.

        • Espiando

          I don’t think we should insult bacon by comparing it to DM. Then again, I once worked as a contractor at a place that made bacon. I wouldn’t mind seeing DM put through an injection machine (with all those big needles), then hung up in a 150 degree smokehouse for hours, then put in a 15 degree cooler for a day to temper.

      • RMycroft

        The No True Scotsman fallacy on steroids, pinks and grays.

      • Missionary Kid

        Marty is an illustration of why all of the indie movements over the years have failed.
        Since they don’t have the authority of LRH, they can’t enforce conformity.
        If they don’t have LRH’s ruthlessness, they can’t keep followers in line.
        If they do have LRH’s ruthlessness, they’re dealing with followers who often have left because of LRH’s ruthlessness, and aren’t going to tolerate a second leader of the same kind.
        And, the biggest reason: Once they start to question ANY of his mouth droppings, it quickly becomes obvious that ALL of them are lies.

        • Captain Howdy

          The protestants seem to have done pretty well for an indie movement.

          • Missionary Kid

            Good point. I should have been more specific. I meant indie $cientologists, not indies in general.

      • Espiando

        Oh, by the way, if there’s a legit downvote in there, and not just Scinos wanting to pump up for Staturday (yes, we know all about Thursdays at 2), I’m not justifying what Marty’s doing. I’m just explaining what I think he’s doing. Trying to justify Elron Elray’s pre-natal penis enturbulation is the very definition of “unjustifiable”.

    • Missionary Kid

      To “You know, the stuff he wrote before all the lies got in the way.” I’d add, “of the original lies.”

      • SciWatcher

        Heh heh, exactly!

      • FistOfXenu

        You’re thinking of “Dianetics: the original feces” right? (Sorry, I don’t have sooper shooping skills)

        • Missionary Kid

          Good one.

  • Mary_McConnell

    Reading what Vance has to say is like being 3 feet back of a illlusion!

    Before one read the book, they were sold on it, to one degree or another. The promise and the hope that one could understand the mind of self and others, that one could erase the deep set causes of one’s problems…That is really what made so many buy and read the book, in part or whole, and believe that ‘maybe Hubbard is right’… Convinced that the book held out real help and hope, entering ignorant of facts, having pondered the questions most intimate to mankind, victims of that book and that scam were handed a bunch of baloney which they tried to make sense of. This particular chapter of the book, as absurd as the examples given in it are, gave probability a chance. Everyone knows what it’s like to be constipated, especially pregnant moms. Most everyone, at least back in the 50’s, is born of sexual intercourse. Could one return to the moment of conception? With his cut-to-the-chase examples, Hubbard convinced many people that it was possible. At least in theory. The high pressure sales of that book really made it hard for many to .think critically and embarrassing to question.

    • BosonStark

      Yes, how can one question a book that was a Best Seller, written by a nuclear physicist, war hero, philosopher, and humanitarian, and inspired a religion, and is now translated into so many different languages?

      • TheNextMrsTomCruise

        Not to mention, how could one question a book that is endorsed by both Tom Cruise AND John Travolta?

        • aquaclara

          THIS is how we know the down-statter has left the building. I have proof. First, there would have been 7 definitive upticks by now (expressed like this vvvvvvv, in the “forwards is backwards” upside-down world of Scamatology), and second, they would have thought you meant what you wrote here.
          And, well, if I’m wrong, maybe the little gopher will come out of his hidey-hole and come join us squirrels!

  • I found that when you ask Scientologists about the weirder things Hubbard said, a common answer is that they reserve judgment. The Marcabians, implant stations on Mars, etc. go into the category of “it was true for LRH but not true for me yet. I’ll see what cognitions I have when I’m on the upper levels.” But you can never admit that LRH was wrong about anything, so anything you can’t accept goes into to neither true nor false area.

  • Gordon Freeman

    That’s…that’s a special kind of fucked up right there.

  • From George Orwell’s 1984 (which I read while a student at Delphi Oregon of all places). This describes how Scientologists can believe in absurd things while also knowing they are absurd:

    To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget, whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again, and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself – that was the ultimate subtlety; consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed. Even to understand the word ‘doublethink’ involved the use of doublethink.

    • I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I joined the Sea Org at 18 or 19, having read both 1984 and Animal Farm, both having made an impression on me.

    • Captain Howdy

      Perfect quote from favorite book.

    • ThetaBara

      They let you read that at a Delphi school?!

      • Orwell was not part of a checksheet. I just found his books in the library, which I believe was made up from the Eclectic collections of staff members. There was even a book about growing marijuana.

  • Ze Moo

    The ‘genetic memory’ was a fad for some part of the 20th century. No one could figure out how some animals had consistent complex behavior, so they invented ‘genetic memory’ to explain it. Lroon just borrowed the idea and made it a central tenant of his mythology. The absurdity of ‘remembering’ something that happened to you in the womb as a sperm or egg should have been the bullshit detection moment for everyone.

    • RMycroft

      Genetic memory makes about as much sense as Lysenkoism.

      • Ze Moo

        The eugenics fad of the late 1900’s spawned a lot of equally nasty crap. Lysenkoism only held ground because Lysenko was favored by Stalin and Khrushchev. Wishful thinking like Lysenko is enshrined in the clams ‘postulates’ and ‘cognitions’.

        Lysenkoism resulted in disaster harvests and cause the Soviet Union to buy wheat abroad and to start selling their oil and gas for hard foreign currency. This tied the Soviets to a business relationship that helped keep the Red Army out of western Europe. Stupidity can have beneficial outcomes, it just isn’t the anticipated outcome….

        • Captain Howdy

          Great comment Ze Moo, it’s definitely going to lead to some reading on my part.

  • monkeyknickers

    Maybe Hubbard should have called Dianetics “What’s the Poop?”.

    • EnthralledObserver

      “The Poop Scoop”

      • Missionary Kid

        The Poop Scoop for those we Dupe.

        • BosonStark

          Fetal Matters — The Modern Science of Prenatal Constiptation

          • RMycroft

            The Bowel Movement

            • Captain Howdy

              Scatology

            • Captain Howdy

              Derp!

            • Missionary Kid

              No shit.

            • RMycroft
            • BosonStark

              L. Ron Hubbard could have been Rear Admiral of The Bowel Movement, which later would morph into a religion called Crapatology. And imagine how proud Tom Cruise would have to call himself a Crapatologist. At least they wouldn’t have that problem of calling it a science.

            • RMycroft

              “Light a candle for Crapatology”

              “I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that. You know what I mean? I mean, that’s what I want it to be. That’s how, there’s times I want to do that but I can’t because I have to go. I really have to go. So, you know I have to do something about it. It’s not, you know you can sit here on the john and wish it was different and then you look at it and you go “Okay, this is it.” You know, I have to do something, don’t I? I have to do it, because I can’t live with myself if I don’t. That really is it.”

          • Missionary Kid

            Fecal Matters – The Modern Science of Studying LRH’s Shit.

            • FistOfXenu

              I think that’s the truth. I think the whole scam was LRH projecting his shit on everybody else and inventing ways to deal with it that didn’t work because he didn’t know shit about how the mind works so he didn’t know how to fix any thing. And Hubbard never did get his shit together.

            • Missionary Kid

              What he did know was how to fix people’s bank accounts and make them empty.

            • Missionary Kid

              OOOOOHHH!!! THANK YOU for the down arrow. Thank you, can I have another?

    • Ze Moo

      Lroon was just observing man’s eternal quest to ‘know his own shit’. After all, the best thinking is done on the stone throne…..

    • monkeyknickers

      I HAVE 5 DOWN ARROWS. This is wicked!! OSA people – you don’t have to live like this. You don’t have to be doing these absurd assignments and pushing meaningless paper around. Just think on that a little, okay? And then please find my sister and hug her, and then pinch her really hard. Thanks!

  • Fifteen years? WOW, that’s depressing. Miss you, Caveman Lawyer. I can’t help but think that your wife would have been helped by Scientology. No… she wasn’t THAT crazy.
    BTW, a middle-age man obsessed with bowel movements… sounds normal to me.

  • dbloch7986

    Scientology, at least in my experience, was focused almost entirely on sex. Everyone seemed to have some kind of perverted desire to dive into the sex lives of others. Public’s sexual confessions spread about the staff like a wildfire, as well as the confessions of individual staff members.

    Much of my confessionals were focused on masturbation and sexual fantasies that I had while in the Sea Org. Not by my choice either, my auditor asked me direct questions about my fantasies and masturbation habits.

    At some point Hubbard blabbered the words, “The 2D is the most heavily abberated dynamic and the one that psychs use to abberate all of us.” Something to that effect.

    Anyway, maybe it was just my experience because I am gay and they were fascinated/disgusted with my homosexual tendencies and fantasies. I can’t get the image out of my head of this 45 year old man that was auditing me (at 17), going home and night and masturbating to my fantasies.

    I think that Hubbard was on to something when he equated auditing with shit.

    • Truthiwant

      All cult leaders were in some ways sex maniacs, like Jim Jones, David Koresh, Bhagwan Rajneesh and Warren Jeffs, to name a few.

    • ThetaBara

      That is creepy as hell and I am sorry you were subjected to it. What a bunch of sickos! You are a genuinely nice person and I’m glad you got away.

  • BosonStark

    Shinetics — The Modern Science of Bowel Health

    • hogarthian

      or…. ‘The Hubtard Institute of Fecal Matters’.

      edit….. oops…. just saw MK did that already… great minds an’ all that.

      • Missionary Kid

        I stole it from you telepathically. My mind’s not that great. 😉

    • BosonStark

      While Dianetics only sourced engrams, Shinetics will address esgrams, which can be troublesome because they can lurk in BT clusters buried deep within the bowel wall. It’s all very scientific, but religious too — really!

  • “the e-meter does worse than nothing: it allows pathological liars and sociopaths to sail by in Scientology while earnest folks get hammered”.

    This explains so much; those squirrel busters with video cameras on their head, that OT VIII “clear” scumbag in the UK video, the following and harassing of that German lady at the Florida airport, Jenna Elfman’s ” rape babies” statement …. The list is endless.

    It also puts another perspective on the Indies still taking in money for auditing (eh, Marty?).

    • dbloch7986

      I personally feel the e-meter serves as an enforcement mechanism for the indoctrination received in Scientology. It convinces you that you have crimes and thoughts where none exist and so you start to make them up to satisfy the e-meter.

      Eventually you lose touch with real thoughts and crimes and imagined ones so you start to really believe that you have past lives and space opera and all that bull honkey.

      • Espiando

        Hey, Derek, how is it that, as of this writing, you’re at 7-1 upvotes and the rest of us are drowning in Staturday Down-Arrow Push? Did you learn something in the Sea Ogres that acts as a Scino Repellent? Or are they so afraid of you as an SP that they’re keeping away in case even the act of down-voting gives them Suppressive Cooties?

      • Ze Moo

        While Lroon claimed the e-meter as a lie detector, it simply doesn’t work that way. Real ‘lie detectors’ have at least 5 inputs. The e-meter only has one. The ‘skill’ of the auditor is in the same category as John Edward and his ‘psychic’ powers. Both are just an example of ‘cold reading’, a true adventure in cognitive dissonance and chicanery.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvV2tw_0bKc

        • I’ll just add that the real polygraph machine is no real lie detector either, no matter the supposed skill of the examiner. There is no such machine invented yet.

        • Missionary Kid
          • Captain Howdy

            Cool, now I can start making some cash on the side.

            • Missionary Kid

              I think a lot of the techniques described are paralleled in one’s first brush with $cientology.

    • Yay, more down votes than up votes …. Must have hit a nerve (eh, Marty?).

      • And the angels must be soaring over Florida.

        • Observer

          Their numbers are increasing so fast they’re going to need some kind of air-traffic control system to prevent Clearwater from being bombarded with broken, bloody angel carcasses.

          • Sherbet

            Heads up! Someone got an OSA-approved up-arrow.

          • Sherbet

            I think Howdy was in a band called “Bloody Angel Carcasses,” eh, Captain?

            • Captain Howdy

              No, but I was in a band called The Straight Satans.

            • Sherbet

              Would you sing “In the Still of the Night” for me? Oh, wait. That was the Five Satins. Not the same genre.

            • FistOfXenu

              Love that song! It was a real high school favorite.

            • Sherbet

              It sure was. May I have this dance, Fist? (It’s a Ladies’ Choice.)

            • FistOfXenu

              Allow me. (offers hand)

        • Sherbet

          Zuzu (the little scamp) says: “Screw trolls and their up and down arrows. Angels are everywhere.”

          • I think Zuzu has the right idea. (Plus, I think half the down arrows are now from us, trying to down our stats. *g*)

      • John P.

        And as soon as you wrote that you had more down-votes than up-votes, and claimed that as a badge of pride, what happens? They rush in and up-vote you to “dead agent” you so you now have far more up-votes, and thus they prove that everything you say is a lie. At least this is how their bizarre inward-facing logic works.

        I must admit my feelings are hurt. I wrote a somewhat long-ish screed on the sexual desperation of “Source,” which ought to rank fairly high on the “Degrading” side of the “Joking & Degrading” sin axis. But I only got one down vote. Am I not doing enough as a source of enturbulation for the faithful? I weep at my seeming ineffectiveness at suppression.

        • Espiando

          John, the lack of downvotes comes from the fact that your work is so detailed, dense, and packed with information that by the time they Method 9 Word Clear everything you write, it’s now a week later and they can’t find your posts anymore.

          • aquaclara

            brilliant.

        • Captain Howdy

          No JohnP, they’re just too stupid to understand your writing.

        • FistOfXenu

          They didn’t understand what you wrote John P. They were overwhelmed by all the misunderstoods. They have to word clear it as soon as they wake up.

  • Ze Moo

    No down arrows today. Is our silent troll back in the RPF? You’d think that 2pm on a stat Thursday would be more of a cudgel.

    • Missionary Kid

      He’s off, eating his Colon Blow?

      • FistOfXenu

        He’s jumping Jack Flash and it’s a gas gas gas.

        • Missionary Kid

          I’m assuming that you’re referencing the fact that gas is usually a byproduct of those cleansing products. 😉

          • FistOfXenu

            After I wrote that I wondered if it was too obscure. You win the prize.

            A box of Super Colon Blow. 😀

            • Missionary Kid

              Second prize is two boxes of Super Colon Blow.

            • FistOfXenu

              LOL

            • Missionary Kid

              It’s a variation of a 50 year old joke. People from Cleavland, please remember, the city was chosen at random.

              First prize is a week in Cleavland.

              Second prize is two weeks in Cleavland

            • FistOfXenu

              Now you mention it I heard that joke, but they said Toledo.

    • Truthiwant

      You’re wrong! Mr. Downarrow has got reinforcements today. There are at least four of them!!

    • Observer

      A friendly word of advice: since you apparently possess powers of conjuration that even LRH in his black magic days would have envied, I recommend you not stand in front of a mirror in a dark room and call the name of Bloody Mary three times.

      • Captain Howdy

        Or Candyman

      • Ze Moo

        I am more of Biggie Smalls kinda guy…

    • FistOfXenu

      Hey! I’m jealous! You got 6 just on this 1 post and I have hardly any downers on all my posts together. You paying some A to E’s to downvote you? That’s cheating you know.

  • Observer

    From Elron’s Admissions/Affirmations: ” Your words are well chosen
    and beautifully rhythm’d.”

    From Elron’s Dianutty: “Oh, this is hell. I am all jammed up inside. I feel so stuffy I can’t think. This is too terrible to be borne.”

    He may have given up on his self-hypnosis a tad prematurely. Just sayin’.

    • FistOfXenu

      Is that the only thing he was premature at?

      • Observer

        I seriously doubt it.

  • mirele

    One thing I’m curious about is how much of this craziness is Hubbard, and how much is due to the culture he lived in? For example, at the time Dianutty was published in 1950, the Kinsey Report on Sexuality in the Human Male had been out two years and the Sexuality in the Human Female would follow in 1953. Additionally, the 50s were a WEIRD time to those of us living 60 years later. It was perfectly OK to be racist and sexist. Smoking was common and almost expected. Although Lolita wasn’t published until 1958, literary pedophilia had to be acceptable to at least some segment of society for the book to be a best seller. We’re in a very different mental universe today.

    I’m of the opinion that a lot of Hubbard can be traced back to the time he was working in, but that some of the totally off the wall, batshit crazy is pure Hubbard.

    • Missionary Kid

      Most people didn’t actually read either the Kinsey reports or Lolita. They read reports about those writings. Have you read Lolita? I did read the first Kinsey report, but all it did was teach me that there are a lot of different ways in which we Americans act, regardless of what we call normal.

      The same, second hand opinions are true of Dianutty.

      I haven’t read Lolita, but it supposedly is more about a person’s state of mind. I see the movie as being a horror story. The horror of pedophilia and the horror of the immature victim exercising unchecked power over a helpless adult.

      Hey, in retrospect, the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, and the 2000s are all weird. We tend to focus on the oddities of the past.

      LRH was a product of the 20s and 30s, and he used his talents as a creative liar to survive all his life. By sheer chance, he was able to turn what was a flash in the pan, Dianetics, which was thoroughly discredited and a failure eventually into a success. After trying and failing several times, by using and discarding successive groups of true believers, he found a way of making a lot of money.

      Hubtard did what all cult leaders do. They suck people in, reward them with a few positive experiences (that could be reproduced by a carny barker) and love bombing, conditioning them to adopt a particular world view, then isolate them from moderating influences and people, then suck them dry by promising further illusory rewards.

      LRH had a pattern that DM is trying to emulate, and that is to get people in and suck them dry. The problem is that DM, in his quest for power, doesn’t have the brains to use charm on his minions. LRH at least had the facade of the eccentric, charming uncle, evil as he was. DM has little of the charm, and he’s living off of LRH’s.

      Both depend(ed) on chaos in the organization to maintain a sense of urgency to keep the clams busy and upset, so they don’t question the underlying assumptions.

      Hubtard and Dinky Miscabbage kept telling everyone how effective their methods were, and how they were going to save the world, and how scientific everything was, and how much research had been done. It’s all lies. LRH had no science or research behind his writing. He managed to instill into people sucked in volumes of bogus scientific theories.

      LRH wasn’t crazy. He was self-centered and evil and after power and money. So is DM

      • ThetaBara

        I hate to be pedantic, but sociopathy and narcissism are classified as mental illness. He was self-centered, evil and avaricious. And he was crazy.
        I think that he believed his own hype, especially towards the end. Wright makes a good case for this, essentially boiling down to “he could have taken the money and ran but instead he tried to KSW until the very end.”
        I thoroughly agree with what mirele has to say. At some level, he knew he was making shit up, but I think he was also cray cray (and increasingly so as time passed).

        • Missionary Kid

          I agree that he was mentally ill, but I’ve always been reluctant to call anyone crazy. [That is, except people who disagree with me. 😉 ]

          Crazy has a whole bunch of different definitions. I don’t know if he could have been committed, but he certainly was a criminal.

        • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

          Mental illness does not exist.

          What is called “mental illness” is actually Reactive Mind phenomena known as engrams.
          Reactive Mind phenomena can be located and erased by use of Scientology auditing, a procedure so exact that it is the highest form of science in the universe:

          http://i1284.photobucket.com/albums/a563/OTVIIIisGrrr8/intro_girl_zps98dbb706.jpg

      • coonellie

        MK, thanks for this,

        “Both depend(ed) on chaos in the organization to maintain a sense of
        urgency to keep the clams busy and upset, so they don’t question the
        underlying assumptions.”

        You know sometimes when you sense the truth but there’s too much interference to have it congeal? Your one line crystallized so much that I’d been trying to tie together. Again, thanks!

        • Missionary Kid

          You’re welcome. Unfortunately, that insight was gained because I was married to someone who was a drama queen and I later worked for a business that was run that way by an adult child of an alcoholic.

          You could diagram the nominal management structure of the business, but the power really ran through the owner’s secretary, who knew how to keep him functioning. After she left, things got more chaotic.

          DM’s refusal to come up with a management chart his musical chairs game for management and his anger at Shelly for filling some positions reminded me of my former boss.

      • Lolita is one of the top 5 best books I’ve ever read. Go for it. You won’t be sorry.

        • Missionary Kid

          I’m sure you’re right. People have made a lot of crappy assumptions about the book, but nearly everyone who’s read it says it’s excellent.

          • FistOfXenu

            So, exactly the opposite of Dianetics.

            • Missionary Kid

              Zing! Dianutty = Self-contradicting turgidity. Lolita = A piece of literary gold.

      • BosonStark

        The Kinsey reports were very influential, more so than Dianutty, even if Dianutty sold more books. TIME magazine included the Kinsey Reports as among the most important 100 books of all time. It changed the way society thought about sexuality, and it was shocking for people at the time, to learn these real facts about sexuality,a field that was shrouded with myths and misinformation. Kinsey really did deliver by illuminating facts about sexual behavior.

        Dianutty didn’t change anyone’s thinking, except those unfortunate enough to fall into the trap. Clear and OT were both delusions, since the cult hasn’t produced a single one of either. Any casual research Hubbard did through the years, was focused on more effective ways to suck money and trap people, not with them reaching new heights of human ability, or understanding mental health. For example, the Xenu crap. Once members swallowed that baloney, they were never going to talk about anything to others, so Dianutty would remain secret, insular and protected. The secret is, beyond the placebo effect, or what was already known about talk therapy, it doesn’t work worth crap.

        • Missionary Kid

          Of course, the sexually repressed religious people I grew up with were upset at the “lies” Kinsey published. Since I was raised ignorant of sex information, I read the report. They were wrong. It made me more understanding of the many ways people actually behave sexually. The long term impact of Kinsey changed our society.

          Dianutty changed a relatively few people’s lives, and not for the better.

          I agree completely with, “The secret is, beyond the placebo effect, or what was already known about talk therapy, it doesn’t work worth crap.”

      • q-bird

        really well said MK – excellent job, thank you.

    • Sherbet

      Your last sentence is right on the money, mirele.

    • I agree. Additionally, Roe v. Wade abortion decision was in 1973, so Hubbard embraces an abortion culture for the S.O.

  • Dear Downer,

    Welcome back. I see you brought some friends. Good! Remember:

    Freeloader debt is not legal.

    Freeloader debt is not legal.

    The front door is way to total freedom.

    Walk, calmly, through the front door and then run like hell.

    • ThetaBara

      If you are followed, approach a police officer. They will help you.

      • If you can’t find an officer, sit down in the middle of the sidewalk and scream bloody murder until someone calls a cop for you.

  • jensting

    Hey! OSA!! Can I be downgraded too, please? Pretty please with sugar on top??

    That’s totally going to make me forget to tell teh world that the criminal rganisation known as the “church” of $cientology is about to be hit with (interstate) insurance fraud charges.

    So, what do all y’all reckon? One more state-only raid (on Arrowhead, I guess) or simultaneous raids by the FBI on Arrowhead, the Wickstrom outlets and narCONon Int?

    • ThetaBara

      I think they’re all out running in circles or something now.

  • Espiando

    Come on, OSA EUS! Thirty-five minutes left, and so many down-votes to give out! You can do better than this! Haven’t you learned anything from us Anons?

  • 0tessa

    To the down-voter: Looking for trouble? You’ve come to the right place!

  • Sherbet

    I just got here. Somebody, please tell me Vance is kidding us about lrh’s scientific stuffy bowel theory. It’s way too silly for even elron’s usual cockamamie ideas.

    • Espiando

      Aw, Sherb, you missed all the fun with everyone getting down-voted! Of course, we still have a couple of hours before OSA WUS starts chiming in with theirs, so maybe you can still get in on it.

      And, no, Vance wasn’t kidding.

      • Sherbet

        Don’t worry, Espiando. I was privy to the parade of the arrows over the last few days. Someone with too much time on his/her OSA hands, we think. And, man!, are we all enturbulated! What damage that person did to our SP egos!

        • FistOfXenu

          It’s obvious how effective they are from how we’ve stopped posting and stopped J&Ding the hell out of Liar Ron Humbug and the Demented Midget and Tom “you just know” Cruise and stopped talking about all the different kinds of insanity in Diarrheatics and $cientarCONon.
          Yeah, right.

          • Sherbet

            It worked for me. I stopped being critical of cos. All snarky posts you’ve seen here from Sherbet are really from my Thetan.

  • FistOfXenu

    LRH’s “example” of the girl with that “face pressure” gives a whole new meaning to telling somebody “Get outa my face!” Like, “stop having sex with my mother!”

    • ThetaBara

      What a pervert he was to think this shit up in the first place!

      • 1subgenius

        Tony O put it rather succinctly:

        “This guy Hubbard had issues.”

        • Ze Moo

          Yeah, he had issues, but with what? Sex ed or potty training? Or just a diet lacking roughage?

          • FistOfXenu

            All of it. Plus mommy and daddy and all women and his genitals and his unrecognized “genius” and his drug hallucinations.

            • Sherbet

              Oh, is THAT all…diancraptics should have cured all lrh’s issues.

            • FistOfXenu

              Except that it doesn’t work of course.

          • MissCandle

            All this anal retention talk is Freudian.

            • FistOfXenu

              Maybe it was a new Zealand $cientologist that tried to call his kid Anal so they banned that as a name?

            • Missionary Kid

              I always refer to the evangelist as Anal Roberts.

            • FistOfXenu

              LOL. There’s a mental picture.

      • q-bird

        So true!

    • Sherbet

      Fist, I shudder at the words “sex” and “my mother” in the same sentence.

      • FistOfXenu

        Well you’re here so it happened. At least once. 😉

        But I think somehow it’s also serious for LRH too.

        • Sherbet

          Three times; I have sibs.

          lrh definitely had a one-track mind in the old days.

          • 1subgenius

            OK, here we go.
            My parents had 9 children.

            We attribute it to the fact that my mom was slightly hard of hearing.

            My dad would say, “So, do you want to go to sleep, or what?”

            My mom would say, “What?”

            • Sherbet

              Ah, it’s Shecky Subgenius, right here on our stage!

              Whoever thought a hearing aid would provide the most effective birth control??

            • 1subgenius

              My open mic nick is Henny.

            • q-bird

              oh I laughed so hard at this 1sub!!!

            • FistOfXenu

              Priceless!

      • 1subgenius

        How about naked pictures of your mother?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp3nkpRtZw0

        • Captain Howdy

          For a minute I thought that was Eric Bloom on guitar and then the singer sounded kinda like Bloom. Nice.

          • 1subgenius

            E6
            honoring and mocking every riff they steal
            dick valentine is god
            when jack’s out of town

          • 1subgenius

            you made me google bloom
            i’m sure the resemblance isn’t accisental
            they’re funny that way

        • Sherbet

          Kewl. But I should warn you, my Mom’s over 90. I love her, but that’s one picture nobody needs to see.

          • 1subgenius

            no one said its a current picture

  • SciWatcher

    Something else to highlight the irony of the indies: Mike Rinder opens his blog today by claiming that “David Miscavige’s Propaganda by Redefinition of Words is trickling down to the few remaining field auditors.” Of course Mike seems to be completely blind to the fact that this sort of thing, as everything else in Scientology, started with Hubbard, who is the king of redefinition and doublespeak.

    • FistOfXenu

      If you’re waiting for indies to admit that DM isn’t just copying the abuses created by LRH I hope you aren’t holding your breath too SciWatcher. Those guys are stuck at step 3, maybe 4 at best.
      http://www.lermanet.com/cos/8steps.html

      And if they go the whole rest of the way they’re gonna find they aren’t super heroes saving the world after all. Also they’re gonna find they’re old men with nothing to do to earn a buck. I don’t pity them but I don’t envy them either.

      • SciWatcher

        Yep, and they might also have to admit to their own guilt in the perpetration of Scientology’s many crimes.

        Thanks for that link–very interesting.

  • ParticleMom

    Oh no. What a cognition! It is ALL MY FAULT!

    You see, my toddler is a bit speech delayed. When I was pregnant with him I was very gassy. I recall sitting on the toilet late at night straining to release the flatulence (he must have been knocked out!) I didn’t want to wake my husband or son, so I lamented to myself, “SHHH! Don’t make a sound! Making noise is embarrassing!”

    Why, oh why didn’t I read Dianetics BEFORE I had kids? To think of all the harm I have done!

    • FistOfXenu

      OH YOU BAD MOTHER! You’ve made your kid a deaf mute! How’s he supposed to be audited if he can’t talk and hold the cans at the same time? You’ve stolen his eternity! 🙂

    • Ze Moo

      All those problems, just because of a lack of :

    • Sherbet

      ParticleMom, I can see you have a serious nurturing issue that YOU and YOU ALONE caused and will SCAR YOUR CHILD FOR LIFE. But please forgive me for laughing my head off.

    • hogarthian

      HOW funny!!!! Straining to fart…. now THOSE were the days eh? I like growing older, but I’m not so keen on this farting every time I bend over malarkey. 😉

      • FistOfXenu

        It gets worse. Trust me.
        The only use I found for it so far is when local politicians come around asking me if I’ll vote for them. If I really really don’t like them I ask them in for coffee. Every time they get to a part I think is a load of crap I let go. Then stare at them. I keep that up til they run out of gas. They will before I do. Then I ask them the question they been dancing around and make them answer. That’s my wife’s signal to come in and say something about how I’m very old and they mustn’t tire me out and it’s time for my nap and could they leave.

        They never come back again. And we laugh ourselves silly. Works with JWs and Mormons too.

  • FistOfXenu

    This is a public service announcement:

    The billion yr contract is meaningless.
    Freeloader debt is a lie.
    $cientology “Ethics” is mind control.
    Sec-checks are mental abuse.
    $cientology and Dianetics aren’t real – Hubbard just made that shit up.
    Hubbard lied about EVERYTHING.
    David Miscavige isn’t even a good $cientologist.
    You won’t “lose your eternity” if you leave. $cientology can’t give you eternity.
    You have a right to a refund of your unused account.
    Routing out isn’t necessary – JUST LEAVE!
    People out here won’t hurt you. We’re here to help.

    Thank you.

    • monkeyknickers

      I’ll add:

      Imagine a day with no one screaming at you!
      Imagine a day during which you didn’t have to panic or be afraid of your seniors!
      And finally – the entire thing is total crap. You deserve a whole lot better

      • Observer

        And imagine being able to spend YOUR money on things YOU and YOUR FAMILY want and/or need without obnoxious regs hounding you day and night.

    • The front door REALLY is the way to total freedom. Think for yourself and live your own life.

    • aquaclara

      FOX and Gayle, you’re both so nice. These are really good. We need a “sticky” to put these up top, because after all the other stuff we commented on today, if downstat boy does come back, this is what we want them to see.

      • I was just thinking the same thing myself. A short BOLD list of the things we most want them to see. Or several peppered throughout the day. You can’t ignore everything in the search for the down button.

        • ThetaBara

          Yep, this is what’s behind my whole broken record bit.
          They CAN get out.
          People will help. I know you know that so thanks for spreading the word.
          They will be out here with us some day.

      • FistOfXenu

        Kind of you to say so aquaclara. I’m not really nice. Just an angry ornery goat that hates the hell out of the blood sucking monster $cientarCONon. But I don’t hate the victims and I want them to find their way to the front door out of the cult before it’s too late. And I want them to know that if they do they’ll get a warm and helpful welcome from us.

        And then I want to see the people that know how evil it is but don’t give a shit because they live off the evil caught. I want to see them led away in chains on the news. I want to see the reality of what they did crush them when they hear the jury say “guilty” “guilty” guilty”. I want to enjoy every step they take to the prison vans. I want to know they’ll pay with the rest of their lives for all the people and families and friends they destroyed.

        And I want to read in the papers all the names of the celebrities that KNEW about the human rights abuses but decided to turn a blind eye because the cult was using slave labor to make them happy. You listening, TC and JT and Krusty and all the rest of you? The reason you get treated like royalty is because your fellow $cientologists are treated like slaves. That your idea of human rights you bastards? I want to see the whole damn House of Hubbard come down around your ears.

        Bonus, I’d like to see DM hate his damn life so much he’d like to be dead – and I’d like to see the warden of whatever prison he lands in making damn sure he has a long long life, safe from any chance of dying. Let him know that the whole rest of his life will be relentless hopeless prison without escape. Give him lots of time to think about how he got there and especially everybody that was hurt or ended up dead because of him. Give him time to see just how much blood he has on his hands. If he screams the rest of his life away with nightmares of what he’s done, fine. Just make sure he’s doing it where nobody else has to listen to him.

        No aquaclara, I’m not nice. But I want to save my piss and poison for the people causing the hurt. The people that are here just trying to save their asses, well, let’s help them save their asses and help them escape.

        • q-bird

          wow. with you on this Fist.

        • Bella Legosi

          Tell us how you really feel Fist! Don’t hold back! I love a good rant! Some of the best stuff comes out of pure hatred and anger, especially if that hatred and anger are justified!

        • aquaclara

          I still think you’re nice.
          Love that you said this, and in a much better way than I could have ever come up with. I have dreams that Davey will rot away in a chain locker, as close to hell as one could ever imagine. Then, followed by a stint in a Supermax, end up in real hell, where he and his stack of billion-year contracts will burn for eternity.
          I hadn’t yet figured out the rest.
          So i still want to see how we sticky the good list in hopes that someone will see it. It is of huge value. Thank you!

          • Bella Legosi

            If there is a hell I would hope he would be goat raped 5 times a day. And the head of the goat would be L Ron. And if Little Boots even so much as blinks they bring in a donkey with the head of Crowley.

          • ThetaBara

            All we need to do is to keep doing it.
            Today’s downvote troll could be tomorrow’s Tory!

    • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

      NO FistOf____ NO!

      Freeloader debt is very real and blown Sea Org members better pay us every penny they owe unless they wish to lose their Eternity!

      The loss of one’s Eternity: Let the magnitude of that sink in for awhile!

      • Observer

        Hahahaha! Fist of He Who Must Not Be Named!

        • FistOfXenu

          So now I’m also the villain in Harry Potter? Oh hell no!

      • MissCandle

        According to paragraph 6 of the official petition by COS as posted by T.O. yesterday, shouldn’t you be threatening the loss of one’s “ultimate salvation” instead of one’s eternity? just asking…

      • Jgg2012

        OT8, Hubbard never achieved eternity. Where is his reincarnation? It was supposed to be here in 2006.

  • Ze Moo
    • John P.

      Too bad the NY Review of Books doesn’t allow comments, or we’d all be over there right now having a field day. My favorite line: “the myth that lawsuits ‘are Scientology’s principal weapons against its outside critics.'” Karin (“Kung”) Pouw then says that the cult has not sued a media organization since 1991. Nice straw man there, since the more interesting action (as we all know) is the long history since that date of the cult’s intimidation of individual critics; we all know the list.

      My other favorite line, “we go to great lengths to avoid litigation.” Other than the fact that this is provably false, it might be noted that they should hope that this ought to be true given the track record for handing out seven-figure settlements in recent years, an almost unbroken string of losses.

      • Ze Moo

        The tone and use of grammar actually seems to be Karin, not her fürhers. It could be an actually sighting. The lack of memory on past CO$ actions is par for the course for her and any other clam. Diane Johnson’s reply is fairly good. The ‘blank stares’ comments are so telling…..

        • hogarthian

          Yes, I thought Diane Johnson’s reply was very good.

        • “disgruntled ex-members” has replaced “bitter apostates”
          I don’t know, you guys seem pretty gruntled to me….

          • FistOfXenu

            Speaking for myself I come from a long line of grunts. And once a grunt always a grunt. No disgruntling here.

            • Missionary Kid

              Semper Fi!

            • FistOfXenu

              OOH-RAH!

          • Spackle Motion

            I’ve always questioned that retort, “disregard because it is only a disgruntled [fill in the blank]” because there’s always a reason why people become disgruntled, and most of the time it is extremely valid. Yes, the world has its share of loonies and people that try to get free shit by being “disgruntled”, but most people have good reason for it, and this never negates any statement made on any subject (to me, anyway).

            Most of us have had moments of disgruntlement (or disgruntleNESS as we say in these parts) where we were slighted, conned, short-changed, or otherwise ripped off. Yes, this means that some of us then have an “axe to grind”, but who hasn’t been in that spot? Not all of us are turn the cheek-Jesus-types, and humans tend to get mad when we’re abused.

            I take it now that this phrase has taken over Bitter Defrocked Apostates, which was a personal favorite of mine because it always made the cult sound….well, like a cult. The only other groups that use that phrase are….well, cults.

            This new phrase sure sounds like defense and not attacks.

      • aquaclara

        “IN FACT, the Church has not filed suit against a media organization in more than two decades. While we reserve the right to sue over defamation and the spreading of egregious falsehoods, the public record is clear: we go to great lengths to avoid litigation.”
        Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
        Why are we not convinced?

      • FistOfXenu

        She’s got a few reasonably amusing lines there for a stand up act, but her timing and delivery are about as natural and funny as Richard Nixon. He couldn’t tell a joke either.

        So is Karin’s description of reality what physicists mean by an alternative universe?

    • Captain Howdy

      I went to the CoS rebuttal site for “Going Clear” and it’s almost as long as the book! They start fairly low keyed and then next thing I knew they were inferring that Dave Touretzky was trying to get people to bomb scientology orgs. They can’t control the crazy for too long.

    • aquaclara

      Here’s the short version, from the Pouw Magic Thesaurus.
      You don’t even need to read the article after this. I just left out a few meaningless words in the middle.
      Here’s what she said:
      “sophomoric, bias and prejudice, wrong, disservice, misstatements, false allegations, myth, myth again, defamation, egregious falsehoods, factual inaccuracies, undermined credibility, inaccuracies again, this time without the factual in front of it, claiming…false, botched, recanted, allegations (again), baseless, bizarre, unsubstantiated, phantom, “made it all up” , orchestrated, increasingly bizarre, allegations (one more time), exaggerated claims and exaggerations, and finally, one more time – allegations.”
      Did she forget one?

    • N. Graham

      “While we reserve the right to sue over defamation and the spreading of egregious falsehoods, the public record is clear: we go to great lengths to avoid litigation.” Unbelievable.

      • FistOfXenu

        With a straight face I bet. Well it would be wouldn’t it?

  • Sherbet

    I think everyone who guessed that DownArrowBoy was doing so to fulfill Staturday obligations was right. I haven’t seen a down arrow since, oh, 2 p.m.

    • Observer

      I have high hopes for my shoop …

    • Espiando

      Well, we were able to find out stuff about him/her/it/Degraded Being: he’s on the East Coast, and he’s more likely doing A To E than being OSA. OSA knows by now that we treat mass down-votes as badges of honor, joining things like goldenrods and written threats (a lot of Anons who got them in 2008 framed them and brought them to protests). Now, how long is it going to take for our Degraded Being to figure out that he’s not fulfilling the “deal an effective blow” part of his Condition?

      • Sherbet

        East Coast? It’s not me!

  • Sherbet
    • aquaclara

      …and to think that Philly has an image problem they are trying to fix. Heh. This will not do it.
      Quite disgusting, but thanks for sharing. I wondered just for a moment if the HuffPo version was puffed up over the Philly Mag version, but then realized that it doesn’t really matter, does it?
      And I can’t even down arrow this, because our downstatter friend might take it as a compliment.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Well, they are giving a prize for “Most Money Raised.” So the CoS would naturally be attracted…

  • Observer

    ..

    • Captain Howdy

      Dam you’re good!

      • Observer

        I’ve gotta use that fancy high school education for something. lol

    • *saluting*

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Oddly, I seem to recall this exact event on another time track. It was triggered by…an odor. The odor of… sweat… stale cigarette smoke… and… and… ascot.

      That’s it. Ascot.

    • FistOfXenu

      Great work! Or should I say “amazing” ? Now if you could put him a a maternity dress 😛

    • Spackle Motion

      What a disgusting looking man. I normally hate commenting on people’s appearance but this guy was really repulsive.

  • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

    We in RTC have seen this sort of criminal Joking & Degrading before and know what to expect:

    * 911 calls for emergency psychiatric help will skyrocket after those who read this blog suddenly have their R6 bank turn on them with a vengeance, this thanks to Tony and Vance and their willy nilly turning on the engrams of readers. This attack on their readers proves they are wholetrack Psych implanters.

    * Readers of this blog will fall off their chairs doubled over and screaming in pain at the crippling constipation they suddenly and unexpectedly experience. No amount of laxatives will help, for this is an engram that has been turned on and put into fullblown restimulation.

    * Each reader will fell a giant ghost phallus attacking their face and will begin to scream uncontrollably in whatever dive bar, drug party, or jail cell they happen to be in when the engram turns on.

    * Readers will fighting crippling waves of constipation and “engram phallus attack” only to have a sudden stuffy and debilitating head cold turn on.

    The only answer is to flee to the refuge of your nearest Ideal Org, throw yourself on the tender mercies of the Church of Scientology, confess your crimes, and donate for ten intensives of emergency prenatal auditing

    • Ze Moo

      A little bran goes a long way to “cleaning up the tubes”. Colon Blow works, try it you’ll like it. And no Regs will call or show up at your house at 2am….

    • Observer

      You’re projecting COB’s case onto us, aren’t you?

      • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

        COB is not chronically constipated.

        He just looks like it.

    • Sherbet

      I’m up for that willy nilly turning on. I’m middle-aged, and it’s been awhile.

    • Captain Howdy

      Right after I read your comment my bowels stared to hurt me something fierce and I ran to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet, and when I looked down I saw Hubbard’s face in the toilet water. I then blew “charge’ all over LRH’s ghostly visage. It was very spiritual.

      http://youtu.be/e4LFM7b5Ckc

  • …. is it wrong for me to hope that LiLo ends up at a Scion front rehab centre?

    LINDSAY LOHAN

    TREATMENT FACILITY HAS

    NO LICENSE

    The treatment facility Lindsay Lohan is currently at has NO LICENSE to provide rehab treatment because its license was REVOKED … TMZ has learned.

    TMZ broke the story … Lindsay has entered Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach … even though prosecutors never signed off on the facility. The judge is giving prosecutors a week to investigate the facility, and here’s the first thing they’ll find.

    We’ve learned in November, 2011 Morningside’s license was suspended for being careless with prescription drugs and operating beyond the scope of its license. After a full hearing in 2012, the California Dept. of Alcohol and Drug Programs REVOKED Morningside’s license outright.

    We spoke with Millicent Tidwell, the Acting Deputy Director Over the Licensing and Certification Division at the Department, and she told us “Morningside cannot give any treatment.”

    Tidwell tells us the only thing Morningside can do without a license is provide a sober living environment, but NO TREATMENT.

    Tidwell adds, “It is a violation of the State law to operate a residential drug and alcohol treatment facility in California without a license. Morningside does not have a license.”

    Read more: http://www.tmz.com#ixzz2SAjdAHTf

    actually after reading the update this place looks more and more like a scientology front – screengrab looks like it comes straight from a Narconon centre…..

    • Observer

      ” …Morningside’s license was suspended for being careless with prescription drugs …” Well, no wonder she wanted to go there.

    • I’m sure Michael will get right on this, with hourly update to the highest bidder, and find the best facility (that allows parental recording, er, visits,) someone else’s money can buy for his meal ticket.

    • Lohan was also on Tommy Girl’s wifelet list… and if memory serves was actually “interviewed” under the guise of a movie part …. I’m sure the Enquirer would be willing to spend a few thou for exclusive details.

      Hell, even that leech of that father of hers might make a few bucks if he can come up with a story that he was “offered help” from a Narconon rep.

      If the girl has any sense she’ll publicly decide to become a scientologist just for the lulz and future tell-all earnings – it would guarantee front page media gossip for years to come as I don’t really see her getting any acting gigs [un-insurable]; yes, Lohan and Scientology – truly a match made in a burning volcano!

      • Bella Legosi

        No no Scientology already has a drug addict with an already inflated ego.

        • Bella Legosi

          and she is the one who didn’t strangle an elderly woman after beating the life from said woman, or ripping apart a cat. I still have trouble accepting Johnny was sober. I really do not like to think that scientology has that much breaking power on a mind. But sometimes the truth hurts, like looking at Kirstie. OW

          • Spackle Motion

            If you read Margery Wakefield’s book, you’ll find plenty of stories where Scientology broke minds. Johnny just happened to be 1) young, 2) male, and 3) lacking proper care. I think #1 & #2 fit into some possible anger issues that probably were stifled for years. I’m sure women that aren’t young could do the same thing, but looking at his profile, it is easier to understand when I recall of the dumb, aggressive things I’ve seen young men do.

            • Bella Legosi

              I am very aware of the minds scientology has broken. There are sites that show bios and pix of all sorts of people who have died in their “care” or have committed suicide. It just really rubs me the wrong way that there is a mind fuck switch out there and COB has the fucking patent!

    • Bella Legosi

      No ML it is not wrong for you to hope that. I have said it to myself recently! But LiLo NEEDs her Adderall, won’t go without it, so I am pretty sure she knows all about Co$ insane “get clean quick” gimmicks and is not impressed with them. Her stipulations for entering a rehab apparently stated that it would have to be a facility that would allow her to take the Adderall. Wonder what Tom would have to say about that, cuz don’t ya know he KNOWS these drugs!!

      • N. Graham

        Don’t be glib.
        Even though Scientologists are the only ones who can really help at car accidents, although Linds is sure in a lot of car accidents, overall a train wreck would be more apt for her.

    • Spackle Motion

      Another Mary that runs another shady facility. Big surprise.

  • …. is it wrong for me to hope that LiLo ends up at a Scion front rehab centre?

    LINDSAY LOHAN

    TREATMENT FACILITY HAS

    NO LICENSE

    The treatment facility Lindsay Lohan is currently at has NO LICENSE to provide rehab treatment because its license was REVOKED … TMZ has learned.

    TMZ broke the story … Lindsay has entered Morningside Recovery in Newport Beach … even though prosecutors never signed off on the facility. The judge is giving prosecutors a week to investigate the facility, and here’s the first thing they’ll find.

    We’ve learned in November, 2011 Morningside’s license was suspended for being careless with prescription drugs and operating beyond the scope of its license. After a full hearing in 2012, the California Dept. of Alcohol and Drug Programs REVOKED Morningside’s license outright.

    We spoke with Millicent Tidwell, the Acting Deputy Director Over the Licensing and Certification Division at the Department, and she told us “Morningside cannot give any treatment.”

    Tidwell tells us the only thing Morningside can do without a license is provide a sober living environment, but NO TREATMENT.

    Tidwell adds, “It is a violation of the State law to operate a residential drug and alcohol treatment facility in California without a license. Morningside does not have a license.”

    Read more: http://www.tmz.com#ixzz2SAjdAHTf

    actually after reading the update this place looks more and more like a scientology front – screengrab looks like it comes straight from a Narconon centre…..

  • Captain Howdy

    Marty published something on his blog from his upcoming “auto-biography” where he’s fantasizing or lord knows what about being Lone Wolf McQuade helping authorities fight the Mexican Mafia in South Texas. Supposedly LE was impressed that he use to be an executive in CofS.

    No wonder Rinder started his own blog.

    • Sherbet

      I can’t read Marty’s blog very often. It may be lrh-Lite, but it’s still lrh.

    • Bella Legosi

      Why did you have to bring a really shitty Chuck Norris movie into this? Has my family name not suffered enough Captain? lol jk

  • Observer

    I think I figured out COB’s problem.

    • FistOfXenu

      Wish I had a buck for every time I thought that and then found out I barely scratched the surface.

    • ParticleMom

      Perfect!

    • ThetaBara

      Came back here to say this is one of the funniest fucking shoops evar!

  • Bella Legosi

    I am starting to realize that one really need not print out flyers about Zenu to pass out at protests……..this post today would surly show people the amount of ignorance and insanity that made up that wacky wordsmith Hub. I think they would get to oh…….the first quotation of the man himself and think, “This is religion?”

    • Missionary Kid

      The problem is that most people don’t actually read things. They often depend more on what people tell them is in a document than what their reading would tell them.

      A newbie is told all these fantastic tales about a Superman, and told about all the fantastically good things that happen when they follow LRH. They read all of the pablum and are brainwashed by the time that they actually read Hubtard’s brain droppings, and even those are “interpreted” for them.

  • q-bird

    Well, m’dears,

    I must say… I am finding the most recent plethora of down votes to be not just entertaining but quite intriguing as well. Curious play. I am loving the Bunker’s provocative responses. Overall it is a grand thing yes? The ‘up/down arrow game’ surely indicates, that in the past few days for sure, even more folks (for whatever reason) have found their way to Tony’s blog. Yay! It is a good thing indeed that people can gain access to accurate knowledge in the form of interesting well articulated words, good conversation, thought provoking communication, i.e. a blog such as this.

    up votes – down votes – they are entirely unimportant

    when compared
    to what is actually being said here.

    Yep. That’s true.

    Now where was I?

    oh yeah, L. wrong’s opus…. let us review what words the a$$hole has for us today.
    WHAT? straining causes “unconsciousness” in aberrated women?
    oh crap, I’ll probably have to go & google co$ scripture… again ~ 😉
    Love to all.

    • Missionary Kid

      Pooping on People’s minds, by LRH.

      • FistOfXenu

        Republished as Poop Went the Weasel: the confessions of LRH.

        • Missionary Kid

          Which is available for only $500 for the new, purified version that Co$ deems necessary for all clams to purchase so they will have their toilet paper from the One, True, Source.

  • Bella Legosi

    And I just finished reading the fetal dick smacking episode. Wow. That was very uncomfortable.

    • FistOfXenu

      You think it was uncomfortable for you? It’s not a lot of fun reading that if you’ve got a dick.

      • Bella Legosi

        lol somehow I imagine there are girls who have really been on the recieveing end of that story……in real life as real adults. I have not allowed that myself, but have seen it done in person, and I assure you genitalia has nothing to do with the amount of awkwardness and hilarity that ensues when you have seen it.

        • FistOfXenu

          I’ll take your word for that. 😛

  • Bella Legosi

    To the down voter: your tactic of distrupting the comments is intrigueing. I am really not impressed and believe you are doing exactly what a disenchanted middle schooler does when they get mad. I do hope you are old enough to know that what you are doing is extremely passive agressive and that there are better people then you. Like the Korean miners on WoW. They get paid to do that crap. How much do you get paid to down vote? Is that included in your weekly stipend? Make peace with the rice and beans because your tactic blows more then Hub’s brainfarts. That is all. I have “canceled” you out of my area, and you are really now a “non person” whose actions indicate that you cannot be afforded the rights and beingness afforded to rational human beings.

  • And how does it come that people come to believe that LRH is a little messiah and COS is the only way to find so called truth, salvation, clear or whatever they call it and from a madman besides? My experience is that all of us have hard times, or what COS calls ‘your ruin” and that most people use such things as friends, a good therapist, a meaningful religion with good religious counsel to help them through these times. Perhaps the best defense against folly such as this is to help people learn for themselves what sources of strength, support, healing, meaning and growth people can call on in time of need. If people have their own supports in time of need they will more easily resist such a “ship of fools” heading down the whirlpool to ruin.

  • There was a cartoon (Gary Larson maybe?) where a dog is explaining to his buddies, “I’m not sure, but I think my name is Downboy.”

  • “Having talked to a few other ex-members, I now get the sense that nearly everybody has secret reservations. It’s like we were all a bunch of morons, each having our secret doubts, and each hiding those reservations to avoid being a downer for everybody else.” Not only is this how Scientology works, but every religion and really every society. No one matches the ideal adherent 100% but they fake it so others don’t notice and get them in trouble.

    • ParticleMom

      Hmm, I don’t really agree. My in-laws are Catholic and often would complain about the last pope, and in very colorful language. I told a religious leader that I wasn’t sure if I believed in god when I was a teenager. There was no fear, no retribution, no trouble. Living in fear of getting in trouble is a red flag that something is very wrong.

  • Douglas D. Douglas

    Little known fact– L. Ron’s last four children were all breech birth. (For the purposes of this joke, anyway.) And when the little dears were audited, it was figured out why. Each time Mary Sue went into labor, she had to wait while the Commodore made himself ready. And she would declaim, “We can’t get you to the hospital until you have your ascot!”

    Turns out the little zygotes were hearing, “We can’t get you to the hospital until you get your ASS CAUGHT.”

    Breech birth. Every time.

    • FistOfXenu

      Brilliant!

  • DodoTheLaser

    Asshat who down voted blindly in the last 4 days – your real IP is visible now.
    It was entertaining though. Call your lawyer. Nah, just bluffing. Or am I?! lulz.

  • Im going to the funshine music fest in tampa this weekend. A 3 day music festival, with a county fair type of atmosphere. I see one of the exhibitors is the church of scientology, giving free stress/personality tests. Im going to stop by. Any suggestions?

    • elar aitch

      Rock up in your guy fawkes mask and ask for a stress test as if nothing is wrong?

    • Just keep asking to see the Cruise/Miscavige sex tape….. say you’re willing to pay thousands for a copy….

    • Bryan Verhanovitz

      Tell them your mother’s sex engrams make you want to bonk them, right there, right now.

  • Meg Larson

    Colon Blow. Phil Hartman lives on!