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It’s Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s eleventy-first birthday! And we have guests!

[Illustration by Observer]

On March 13, 1911, the Great Thetan jumped into a newborn in Tilden, Nebraska, and began the latest incarnation in his 76-trillion-year journey through space and time.

That ancient child, Lafayette Ronald Hubbard, would go on to become a popular writer for the pulps in the 1930s and then, in 1950, published the bestseller he’s most known for, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health and with it established what would become known as the Scientology movement.

As we look back on this singular life, 111 years after it began, we have asked this website’s excellent and admirable friends to give us their thoughts as they look back on the legends and legacy of the Commodore.

Hip, hip, hooray!



Sunny Pereira

I’m not entirely sure why this story came to mind, but it was just one of those “groan” moments regarding the LRH Birthday. It was sometime in the mid 90’s. I was on staff at CC Int in Hollywood. All staff were told to wake up before dawn, put on perfect uniforms and make-up, and be on the tennis court of CC Int before sun-up. We all arrived on time, of course, because this was the Sea Org and how things go in the Sea Org. It was actually still dark outside. I can’t remember who was doing the “briefing” to us all, but my guess would be Dave Petit, the Commanding Officer for CC Int. Whoever it was, they were super-excited about the plan. We were told we would be practicing singing a newly written song for Hubbard (which went something like this: Happy Birthday to you, Ron, Happy Birthday to you, Sir. Happy Birthday our Commodore, a song heard all over the world.”) Barf. So we practiced this song a few times, then, as soon as the sun came up, a helicopter showed up and circled around us, filming while we sang this song over and over and over again until all of us had way too much. At the Birthday event, they had two-second clips of each org singing this song, from all over the world. That was probably the first and last time I have ever sang for that “church.” Regarding Hubbard turning 111? I’m thinking he is not around and has no idea or care about how his “religion” is doing.


Christian Stolte

Wow. I can’t believe this day has finally come. L. Ron Hubbard’s Sweet Eleventy-First birthday. It seems like just yesterday he was a precocious little blood-brother of the Blackfoot Indians, exploring the wild and woolly terrain of Helena, Montana, and taking his first baby-steps towards becoming a legendary World-Class Liar. It wasn’t enough that he single-handedly won World War II for the Allies, he then locked himself in a room with a stockpile of pills and alcohol, and emerged with the technology that ultimately wiped out crime and war and mental illness from our planet. Remember crime and war and mental illness? You probably don’t, but before Scientology, that shit was pretty much everywhere. Lafayette — or “Laffy-Taffy”, as his friends called him — wherever you are, presumably zooming through the cosmos in a space vehicle that bears an uncanny resemblance to a ‘57 Ford Thunderbird, we salute you.


Jefferson Hawkins

They say you should only speak good of the dead. Hubbard’s dead. Good. When Hubbard died, we were told that any expressions of grief or sadness would not be tolerated. That was “down tone” and therefore forbidden among us “up tone” Scientologists. But in truth I did feel a bit of sadness when I heard he had “dropped his body.” After all, this was the man I had followed and trusted for most of my adult life. After I learned how much he had lied to me and to everyone I knew, I got mad. But that’s “low-toned” as well, so…


Karen de la Carriere


Hubbard wrote a doctrine called “Prediction and Consequences.” However, he did not predict and was completely oblivious of the consequences of his “Disconnection” and “Fair Game” policies, which are slowly eroding Scientology’s ecclesiastic and religious claims. The key sentence of all time was Hubbard stating at his time of death, “I’ve failed.”

Martin Ottmann

Honestly, it is difficult for me to focus my mind on Hubbard and his legacy. So many nutcases seem to outshine him nowadays: Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Alex Jones, Eric Zemmour, … The list goes on and on. Have people learned anything from Hubbard’s legacy?? That you should not follow and support a madman?? Apparently not. Sigh.


Graham Berry

In my opinion, L. Ron Hubbard was an evil chameleon and autocratic leader with a legacy of cultish greed, crime, and suffering. In many ways, the octopus-like enterprise that survives him has tyrannical indicia: information control, thought control, loaded language, redefined words, gas-lighting, projection, fear, terror, enemies, exceptions, emergencies, false flag actions, ignorant “publics,” paramilitary priests, an intelligence and investigations bureau, “too gruesome” punishments, deprivations of personal liberty, etc. The man was a charming storyteller. However, he weaved his fantastical space opera tales into a mind-numbing trap for unwary “raw meat” to be lured on an extortionate ride down a rabbit hole to the dark side.


Frank Oliver

Hubbard is alive and well
In a port in Malaysia
Blowing sailors for cigarette money…



Geoff Levin

I celebrated Ron’s birthday almost every year from 1968 till I officially left in 2018. My band PEOPLE! Played at the LA Org birthday event in 1968. We were new Scientologists then. Julia Salmen (a major Hubbard acolyte) was the ED at that time. She hated us. The staff who were younger loved us and they rocked out. My rebellious rock days were soon to be squashed. When I was on the Apollo ship in 1974 I had the gall to tell Hubbard I thought his song that I was arranging “We’re Going Up While The World Goes Down” was not good. At that point my rebellious rock days were over. I was squashed. I did not unsquash till I left the church. I’m so happy to be out. Hubbard has a lot of karma to make up for creating such a destructive organization. Happy birthday, Ron!


Janis Gillham Grady

Tony, this shows how they have removed Mary Sue from history by “cleaning up” the photo of LRH with his birthday cake…


Chris Shelton

L. Ron Hubbard was a major part of my life growing up and dominated my adult life for 25 years. He was someone who wanted to make an impact and he did, even if that impact wasn’t exactly what any of us wanted. Hubbard was a complicated figure and someone who even now is not so easily dismissed as simply a charlatan or a con man. If anything, he is a character study in contradiction. He was raised in a kind home by people who loved him, yet he could never really love anyone back. He had the gift of gab but somehow never came up with any words that were truly profound or insightful, instead simply copying the words or ideas of other profound or insightful thinkers. He had an obsession to be liked or admired while he wrote a Code of Honor that stated one should never seek to be liked or admired, one of hundreds (if not thousands) of contradictions he hypocritically but always boldly asserted. There were no half-measures with L. Ron Hubbard. He presented himself as someone who grabbed Life hard and rode it like a bucking bronco, but all of that was just a facade to hide the core hypocrisy that defined his entire life: he was a scared little man who thought the only path to success was to dominate people and bend their will to his own.

There are people in the world who look at the rest of us as prey, as marks to be taken advantage of or fools to be fooled. They swim like sharks among the lesser beasts, calculating and seemingly confident and unafraid. Yet beneath that facade of strength is a cowering, craven, tormented soul that is never really at rest. I believe it was that torment and need to be in control that drove Hubbard to do all the things he did, to build a life on nothing but deceit in pursuit of whatever small pleasures he thought he could obtain by taking advantage of others at every turn. In the end, overtaken by paranoia and probable neurological damage from early life experiences and strokes he suffered in the 1970s, he completely lost touch with the little bit of reality he was still in tune with and began his final descent into total madness. As we have heard from his final caretaker, that resulted in him even trying to commit a kind of suicide by asking for a super-charged “shock” meter to do away with the invisible spirits that he thought were attacking him from all sides.


It was a pathetic end to a pathetic life, one which influenced others in many ways but very few of them positive. Hubbard did indeed leave behind a legacy that will not easily be forgotten in history. That legacy, unfortunately, is one of nothing but pain and suffering and purposeful lies. Even his surviving family despises everything he stood for and wants to forget they ever had any connection with him. My entire life has been overshadowed by his influence and it is only now, maybe 2/3rds into my existence, that I have finally and fully broken free from his harmful influence. Hubbard was never anything but an Emperor with No Clothes and while he fooled a lot of people when he was alive, he’s not fooling so many anymore. And that is a very good thing.

If he’s still alive in some fashion somewhere in the universe, I don’t wish him a good tidings or a happy birthday. If there is any kind of karma or justice, Hubbard should suffer at least as long as the combined total of suffering he caused in so many thousands of people’s lives. But in the end, I don’t believe in such things so all I can say today is I’m truly happy he is no longer among us. There are people who we are very glad were around to touch our lives and share our existence. Hubbard was not and never will be such a person. The world is truly a better place without him. I don’t celebrate his life. Today, all I can do is celebrate the fact that he is no longer here to hurt or abuse or torture anyone else again.

As a final thought, instead of giving Hubbard a birthday gift, I’m taking one from him. He wanted to be celebrated for his existence, for his genius and his “compassion.” All of those were lies. Hubbard was no genius and he wouldn’t have understood compassion if you sat him down and carefully explained it to him for hours on end. He was incapable of such feelings. So instead of ruefully regretting my part in Scientology, on Hubbard’s birthday today I will instead give myself the gift of my freedom, my self-esteem and my dignity. Hubbard robbed me of all of those things and on his birthday today, I am gifting these things back to me. If you feel as I do, I encourage you to do the same. I think that’s the best possible thing any of us can do to “celebrate” Hubbard’s birthday.


Paulette Cooper

I think the world would have been better off — and I know I certainly would have — if the bastard had never been born 111 years ago.


Jon Atack

On Monday, I shall be giving a talk at Eton College about the perils of investigating Scientology. It surprises me that I’m still talking about the Great Fabulist after so many years, but it doesn’t surprise me that a large audience is fascinated by his exploits and his exploitation of all around. As he said in a 1938 letter, his only goal was to ‘smash’ his name into history. And he succeeded.


Why I cannot celebrate L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday


By Dr. Stephen Kent

With the ascendancy of Donald Trump to the pinnacle of American political power, the world became alerted to the dangers of malignant narcissists. As his ascendency became increasingly likely, mental health professionals informed about the dangers of malignant narcissists raised the alarm, but to little avail (see, for example, The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump [Ed. Bandy X. Lee, 2017] and The Cult of Trump [Steven Hassan, 2017]). While in office, he devolved the democratic nation to the point of insurrection, after overseeing the rollbacks of progressive governmental policies and the deconstruction of apolitical civil and diplomatic services. Everyone, everything, had to be devoted to him—loyalty to his personality cult was paramount, and a disturbing number of sycophants fed his ego. Then there were the lies — some 30,573 of them during his four year term. He lost the 2020 election, but refused to accept it.

In politics, narcissistic figures were not newly discovered autocratic leaders—political psychiatry professor Jerold M. Post had written about many of them in his 2015 book, Narcissism and Politics: Dreams of Glory. His discussion of narcissists and similarly troubled personalities included (among others) Idi Amin Dada, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Houssein, Muammar Qaddafi, Kim Jong-Il, and Mao Zedong.

It was a list of twentieth-and early twenty-first century misery-makers, who amplified their meglomaniacal, self-centered visions at the expense of the people over whom they ruled. Among Post’s most prescient discussions of narcissism, however, addressed someone whom he and a co-author (Jennifer McNamara) had crowned, “Putin the Great”—Russia’s Vladimir Putin. Calling Putin “the quintessential narcissist” (p. 219), Post identified his intense reaction to criticism, his obsession with his public image, his masquerade “as a principled democrat” (p. 219), and one who relied upon his professional training to “fabricate meticulous . . . justifications for his actions” (p, 220). He defended “his power and influence at any cost” (p. 219), and—in relation to his excuses about his land-grab of Crimea — the American ambassador accused him of “‘manipulating,’ ‘obfuscating,’ and lying’” (Ambassador Samantha Power, quoted on p. 220). In words even truer now than then, Post concluded, “extreme narcissism is the driving force behind recent actions of Russian Vladimir Putin in Crimea and Ukraine” (p. 220). Removing for the moment his personality traits form their geo-political context, they are ones that appear regularly among narcissists, and many were cornerstones in the personality-composition of L. Ron Hubbard.

In reaching this conclusion, let me be very clear that I am not calling Hubbard a functional equivalent of Trump, Hitler, Houssein, or any of the other figures that Post or I listed. Hubbard was never a mass-murderer, nor a leader of a country (although he attempted to gain political sway in Rhodesia, Morocco, and Greece). Apparently at times he was charming (and some thought, funny), and occasionally came down on the right side of history (as with his opposition to lobotomies and examples of occasional psychiatric abuses). Nevertheless, his lies and deceptions, his vengeful reactions to criticism, his absolute power within Scientology, his portrayal of his actions as being for the greater good, his image-concerns, and his use of (almost negligible) professional training (in engineering) as the justifications for his concepts—all of these characteristics seem to have Putin-(and for that matter, Trumpian) parallels.

One other trait that seems to run through Trump, Putin, and Hubbard was a harmful disregard for childhood. Putin’s disregard for Ukrainian lives (not to mention the lives of his soldiers) led to the deaths of at least seventy-one children in less than three weeks of fighting, and the pictures of dead, wounded, and traumatized children (with an estimated one million as refugees) are infuriating and appalling. During Trump’s presidency, when television host Rachel Maddow first reported on children being torn away from their parents at the American-Mexican border, she burst into tears, which was the appropriate response to actions that have scarred for lifetimes. Hubbard’s damage to children took different forms, which were harmful in their own ways, but which have not been systematically identified. He abandoned contact with daughter Alexis after her mother (his second wife) denounced him; years later, he allowed his suicidal son, Quentin, to serve time in his private re-education (some say, forced labour or penal) system, the Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF). He allowed twelve-year olds to commit their lives to his work-regime by joining the Sea Organization, and during various periods allowed the operation of the RPF to include children. Even during his early days on the Apollo, his imprisonment of a punished child in the ship’s chain locker became among the most notorious stories about him. Often, Sea Org members who had children had to leave them behind for lengthy periods (or ship them off to Scientology schools) when their work required them to travel in order to perform assignments as part of their jobs. Even when parents and children were in the same city, parent/child time was extremely curtailed by Sea Org workloads. I could go on — I hope that somebody does, and with careful, documented details.

In the literature on narcissism, I do not recall anything being said about child neglect or abuse being a characteristic of the disorder, but my observations are troubling. In varying degrees, what many narcissists appear to have done to children under their influence or care is appalling. If children can be useful in fueling the narcissistic supply of adulation and devotion that these leaders need, then leaders may tolerate them; if not, then they discard them as impediments to the greater cause (i.e., themselves). As part of humanity, however, the physical, emotional, and educational lives of children should be sacred. On this day, therefore, when so many Scientologists celebrate the birth of the person who inspires them, I lament the unnecessary harm that I believe Hubbard did to an unknown number of children, their parents, and their other relatives.


A Long-Expected Party (with apologies to JRRT)

By Chris Owen

When Mr. Ronbo Hubbins of Saint Hill announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a Birthday Game of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Clearwater.

Ronbo was very rich and very peculiar, and had been the wonder of Florida for fifty years, ever since his remarkable disappearance aboard a fleet of ships and his unexpected return. The riches he had brought back from his travels had transformed Clearwater, and it was popularly believed that Saint Hill was full of tunnels stuffed with treasure.

Ronbo had no close friends until he adopted young David Oakenhead, a dwarf, as his heir. “You had better come and live here, David my lad,” said Ronbo one day; “and then we can celebrate our birthday-parties together.”


“Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday; I am eleventy-one today!”, Ronbo announced. He thought back to the day seventy years ago when he had found his golden ring and proclaimed Ringology, the modern science of decorative jewellery. Much had happened since that momentous event – though he tried to avoid the guilty thought that he had actually stolen the Ring and patched together Ringology from the wisdom of others.

It had been a tumultuous life, he reflected. Hundreds of thousands had joined Ringology over the years. As a young man he had dreamed of smashing his name into history. He had become rich and famous beyond his reckoning. But in his eleventy-first year, things were not as they should be.

Fewer and fewer were celebrating his birthdays; the once-magnificent Birthday Games had shrunk steadily into insignificance. Ringologists had deserted in droves. “One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them – as if,” he thought sourly. Body routers were finding it ever harder to bring in new people, and who now considered themselves bound by Ringology?

“Fucking dwarves,” Ronbo grumbled to himself. Oakenhead had been obsequiously loyal to Ronbo, it was true, but had he been motivated by a lust for power rather than loyalty to Ringology? What was worse, Oakenhead was obsessed by gold, singing of his desire for it and forever devising misguided schemes to wring it out of the remaining Ringologists.

Admittedly, Ronbo thought, Oakenhead had scored one big victory: he had defeated the dreadful dragon IRS and freed Ringology’s golden hoard from its clutches. But what had he done with the treasure? Spent it on buildings! “The atmosphere of Ringology is a lot more important than new buildings or modern furniture,” Ronbo had written decades earlier. Well, Ringology certainly had new buildings now, but the atmosphere was worse than it had even been.

Ronbo shuddered involuntarily as he recalled the rise of the Dark Lord of Tarpon Springs, now bending his will to gather all opponents of Ringology. The strength of the Dark Power had only grown as it joined forces with the Queen of Kings on her far-western throne: fair as the Sea and the Sun, and dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning.

“Eleventy-one years and counting,” Ronbo thought gloomily. He glanced at the sheet of stats before him. Every line declining, every figure less than it had been the year before, and the year before that. How much longer would it be, he wondered, until nobody was left to celebrate his birthday? “I feel I need a holiday,” he told himself. “A very long holiday. Probably a permanent holiday; I don’t expect I shall return.”


Pete Griffiths

This message was just intercepted on the way from Target Two to Teegeeack by the Internet: “I was asked some years ago what I wanted for my birthday and I said back then simply 5.4x the stats. And so began the Birthday Game. I am still waiting out here on Target Two for you guys to make it go right and give me what I asked for. And so on and so forth. Do I have to come back there and show you how it’s done?”


Len Zinberg


What can I say? Hubbard was a twisted, evil, sick man; Miscavige, likewise. Thank you, Tony, for your continued exposure of the criminal actions and bizzarre antics of fanatical Scientologists, their corrupt PI’s, and lawyers. I’m cautiously optimistic that the good citizens of Clearwater will, in their wisdom, elect a second SP Councilmember, then a third, and even a fourth. Wouldn’t that be nice?


Jamie DeWolf

For a man who once wrote that he wanted to smash his name in history, L. Ron’s legacy continues to be an open wound in the psyche of the last half century. His victims still walk the streets from Clearwater to Moscow, his words are still hammered into the minds of the young. Though he died decades ago in isolation, except for his ghosts that even an E Meter couldn’t exorcise, in the end, L. Ron could never escape himself. Maybe he looked in the mirror on that ranch and saw a victory looking back; an old man who never saw a day of jail for all his crimes, a man who achieved his dreams of dying rich with an army of shadow puppets carrying on his charade of a life; eternal soldiers saluting to statues of the hero that never was. He lived a life with more plot twists than his novels, a military man and fantasist who went to war with the world and wrote a new past for himself, a student of black magic who would encode his theology into a labyrinth of vampiric control. He wrote a biography of what he wanted to be, and trained others to repeat it until he could tell tall tales long after his body was turned to ash.

He was my first childhood hero growing up. I had volumes of his work in my bookshelf as I typed away at my own stories. He was smiling in the back covers, and I’d write him letters hoping one day he’d read my words. I’d go to bookstores with his daughter and with his son, never knowing he was already in hiding. I didn’t know what else was hidden then, the secrets my family kept behind silence.

People often ask me if I have love for my great grandfather, if I admire him in any way. Sure I do. I admire his audacity, his brilliance. I admire his guts. I find him as entertaining as the dozens of storytellers, comedians and poets that I’ve toured with. I play his recordings and we laugh. But his hunger for control and cash at the sake of someone else’s sanity is difficult to forgive. The damage he did with his time on the planet still echoes until today. I’m related to three L. Ron Hubbards. All men who took that name and went another way. I’ve spent my life adamantly trying to be everything he’s not. He sold people lies, I try to tell ugly truths. He manipulated millions, and I teach writing to youth and tell them to never forget the power of their own voice. My family hasn’t fully told our story yet. I hope we won’t die with our secrets. But we’re living evidence he wasn’t the man he said he was. If he’s out there watching, his malevolent narcissism would be warming his hands over all of us talking about him again. But let’s tell his true story, the one he wouldn’t tell the world.


Chuck Beatty

Hubbard’s birthday present, the one he deserves, can’t be properly given. I think he gave himself only the briefest of honest reflections, for those tiny instants when he admitted to Sarge that he’d failed. That was the most honest present he deserved, and which he gave to himself, when he admitted he’d failed. And he told Sarge he’s not coming back. And that he planned to do essentially the OT running program and circle the distant star, to rehab himself a bit, before one presumes, he will like Capt Bill would say, shows up sometime later up the track. I wish LRH be remembered for his private thoughts and final orders and admissions to Sarge.


Ron the Boozer


By Gerry Armstrong

Back in January, Tony Ortega quoted birthday-boy Ron about his brief time in Rhodesia:

You can sit on the porch drinking a Tom Collins and watch the elephants and buffalo walking very close by, and baboons thumbing their noses at you, tearing the thatch off the roofs and raising the devil.

This got me thinking that this could, should or must be just the motivator the current crop of Hubbard whitewashers need to publish the next paper under the rubric of his booze history. Massimo Introvigne and his disciple Ian Camacho have been the most visible and shameless Hubbard history revisionists for the last few years, so this opportunity is right up their creek.

They can cherry-pick from everything he ever said about alcohol, all his preferences, and track down witnesses who knew him and will attest he was a virtual teetotaler. Camacho and Introvigne can come up with astonishing contradictory evidence they are so excellent at conjuring.

Was Hubbard’s porch actually at the Bumi Hotel? Did Hubbard call it “Boomy?” He was a pulp writer and had all sorts of explosions with “booms” in his stories. He did nickname people and things, much like Trump’s bad habit: Galbatty, Dr. Upholstered, Killerfeller. Hubbard had the rumblings in his mind of OT 3 which was all about bombs – thermonuclear ones – big bloody booms, and cluster-causing impacts, and he’d had BTs on the brain, Camacho says, since 1950.

Crucially, was Hubbard admitting to actually drinking a Tom Collins, or was he just idly bragging, or speculating, or describing the activities that could be done if someone wanted to?

Does anyone have a bar receipt of Hubbard’s from the Bumi Hotel? Has anyone ever interviewed the cocktail waitress who had porch duty in 1966? It sounds like Hubbard is writing a Bumi Hills tourism brochure. And much of his story rings true, because they were still singing about him in the bars by Lake Kariba years after he got eighty-sixed from the country.

We remember him well at the Bumi Hotel
Rich financier in his two-ton Land Rover
Tellin’ someone’s chrome honey, I have the money,
A Tom Collins, and I’m rollin’ in clover.

Has anyone investigated or interviewed the transcriptionists? Somewhere along the process they got “Bumi” wrong, and also, it appears, “lines” rather than “lions.” So has it been proved to skeptics’ standards that Hubbard wasn’t drinking or thinking of Tom Collins, but John Collins? Has anyone conducted a search for the hotel’s bar menu for the May to July 1966 period, or for the bartender’s hat? A John Collins, of course, can be based in bourbon.

There’s another transcriptionist riddle that Camacho might be uniquely qualified to put to bed. Hubbard’s alleged statement that Ortega quoted is textually different from the same section in the transcript of the lecture Hubbard is said to have given at St. Hill on July 19, 1966.


Camacho and Introvigne quoted Janet Reitman reporting that Neville Chamberlain claimed Hubbard drank whiskey, perhaps Jameson Irish Whiskey, liberally. Camacho quoted Janis Grady saying Hubbard had drunk whiskey or brandy, but only when he came in from the cold. There was this legendary 1967 letter from Hubbard in Las Palmas to Mary Sue at St. Hill in which wrote “I’m drinking rum and popping pinks and greys.” And there are reports of persons observing him drinking rum, liberally. In fact, he is known in certain circles as Ron-now-that’s-a-cuba-libre!-Hubbard.

A Tom Collins, of course, is gin-based. And, with a nod to the transcriptionists, a John Collins can also be gin-based. This is a liquor variety apparently in Hubbard’s life that hasn’t had Camacho’s investigative analytical skills applied to it. There is a master’s thesis at the bottom of Hubbard’s gin drinks.

Russell Miller reported in Bare-Faced Messiah that Hubbard had invited Rhodesia’s Minister of Internal Affairs to come over to his house in Salisbury “and have a drink and dinner with me one night.” Hubbard wasn’t going to serve the Minister just a coke. What was in Hubbard’s John Plagis Avenue liquor cabinet that would satisfy the Minister’s drinking fancies?

Miller also reports about Hubbard ordering the world’s first clear John McMaster to bring two bottles of pink champagne from the UK to Salisbury. Hubbard then apparently took the two bottles personally to charm the pants off the Prime Minister’s wife at Government House, but he did not get past the front door. Did he return to his Alexander Park home and mix up a bucket of pink pineapple mimosas for all his staff? Hubbard’s champagne intake is just the sort of mystery Introvigne and Camacho can sink their academic teeth into.

Here’s some photographic evidence for them: Hubbard at my wedding on the Apollo in 1974, with the champagne bottle and a half-empty champagne glass close at hand.


And this skip rope song that elementary school girls in Harare are said to still sing is a great evidentiary starting point for a serious study of Hubbard’s boozing through the years:

I strolled by the Bumi porch,
The baboon sat there on his zorch,
His orange hair it caused a scare
Lit up by a Bantu torch.
He was getting kinda drunk

His time in the country stunk
His helmet of pith didn’t sway Ian Smith,
So he up and did a bunk,
A bunk, a bunk, a bunk.


And finally, from Mark Bunker


Get well, Andreas

One of the people we were hoping to hear from for today’s birthday blast was Operation Clambake proprietor and our good old friend Andreas Heldal-Lund.

It turns out that on Monday he went to a grocery store and woke up in a hospital after some kind of seizure. At Facebook, he assured his many friends that he is doing well and he’s on the mend.

We wish him a speedy recovery!



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Source Code

“NEW DEVELOPMENTS: Quad Dianetics, Quad Power, Quad R6EW are all going like a bomb. Four Times the result! Opens the door to Quad Grades. Really gives a booster shot. It is the result of taking a discovery in upper level tech and applying it to the lower levels. OUR HGC: Our Flag Auditors are going truly great. The new line works very well. UPSTAT UNITS: The FB (excepting in Action which is in Danger due to necessary by-pass) is doing very well. Including Mimeo. The E/R FSO is great. The HU is doing well. HCI FAO is doing its job well. Qual FAO is picking up. Reg Dept FAO is doing Reg. Income Dept FAO is doing great. Ship’s Rep FSO is doing very well. Other divisions are cordially invited to join this upstat parade by getting organized and into full production.” — L. Ron Hubbard, March 13, 1971


Avast, Ye Mateys

“We, the Officers and crew of the Apollo, Athena, AO Greece, SH Greece, Nkambi and Diana wish you a very happy birthday. Each and every one of us consider it a great honor to serve under you and we vow to honour the trust you have placed in us by backing you up and in every way and fully wearing our hats. You have personally helped each and every one of us to be strong and we will grow stronger and stronger as the days go by. We acknowledge you as the source of Power in Scientology and on this planet and in this Universe. We will do everything we can to ease your burden, to defend you, to give you more ease and provide active contribution to the achievement of our targets. You have, without reservation, our unlimited devotion and loyalty.” — Deputy Captain, Officers and Crew of Apollo; Captain, Officers and Crew AO/SH Greece; Captain, Nkambi; Captain, Officers and Crew of “Diana”; Captain, Officers and Crew of “Athena,” March 13, 1969



Overheard in the FreeZone

“The word clearing I did while studying to be a Dianetics auditor kept me from falling asleep the next time I watched a training film, and MU phenomenon reading the book, slowing me down, making me feel dumb. I’d posit though that I should have done more practice runs while I was studying. What good is an unapprenticed graduate? Finally finishing the course and given a PC I realized I had budding competency to help another clear engrams and it gave me great joy. However, working with PCs, there is something to be said for intuition or quiet knowingness and pan-determinism, and of course great TR’s. For example, in my current consulting skill-set I started out knowing only one word and having a strong personal need, and I put in thousands of hours testing out theory and clearing MUs as I went.”


Past is Prologue

2001: News site was forced to remove a copy of the OT3 materials following legal threats from Scientology. From “Commander Taco,” one of slashdot’s officials: “Last Saturday a comment was posted here by an anonymous reader that contained text that was copyrighted by the Church of Scientology. They have since followed the DMCA and demanded that we remove the comment. Our lawyers have advised us that, considering all the details of this case, the comment should come down. It’s a bad precedent, and a blow for the freedom of speech that we all share in this forum. We risk legal action that would at best be expensive, and potentially cause Slashdot to go down temporarily or even permanently. A text called ‘OT III’, part of what is known as the Fishman Affidavit. In its place we are putting non-copyrighted text: Links to websites about the church of Scientology, as well as links to how you can contact your congressman about the DMCA. Try a Google search on ‘OT III’ and ‘Fishman’ returns over 250 pages. A broader search on AltaVista returns over 2,000 webpages.”


Random Howdy

“So they regulate brothels in Nevada but not drug rehabs?”


Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker

Criminal prosecutions:
Danny Masterson charged for raping three women: Next pretrial conference May 31. Trial scheduled for August 29.
‘Lafayette Ronald Hubbard’ (a/k/a Justin Craig), aggravated assault, plus drug charges: Last hearing was on January 18, referred to grand jury.
Jay and Jeff Spina, Medicare fraud: Jay sentenced to 9 years in prison. Jeff’s sentencing to be scheduled.
Hanan and Rizza Islam and other family members, Medi-Cal fraud: Pretrial conference March 25 in Los Angeles
David Gentile, GPB Capital, fraud: Next pretrial conference set for April 8.
Joseph ‘Ben’ Barton, Medicare fraud: Pleaded guilty, awaiting sentencing.
Yanti Mike Greene, Scientology private eye accused of contempt of court: Hearing held on February 15, awaiting ruling.

Civil litigation:
Luis and Rocio Garcia v. Scientology: Eleventh Circuit affirmed ruling granting Scientology’s motion for arbitration. Garcias considering next move.
Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’ Valerie asks for March 15 hearing on motion for reconsideration.
Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology and Danny Masterson: Appellate court removes requirement of arbitration on January 19, case remanded back to Superior Court. Scientology has said it will file an anti-SLAPP motion.
Brian Statler Sr v. City of Inglewood: Third amended complaint filed, trial set for June 28.
Author Steve Cannane defamation trial: Trial concluded, Cannane victorious, awarded court costs. Appeal hearing held Aug 23-27. Awaiting a ruling.
Chiropractors Steve Peyroux and Brent Detelich, stem cell fraud: Lawsuit filed by the FTC and state of Georgia in August, now in discovery phase.



We first broke the news of the LAPD’s investigation of Scientology celebrity Danny Masterson on rape allegations in 2017, and we’ve been covering the story every step of the way since then. At this page we’ve collected our most important links, including our four days in Los Angeles covering the preliminary hearing and its ruling, which has Danny facing trial and the potential sentence of 45 years to life in prison.


After the success of their double-Emmy-winning, three-season A&E series ‘Scientology and the Aftermath,’ Leah Remini and Mike Rinder continue the conversation on their podcast, ‘Scientology: Fair Game.’ We’ve created a landing page where you can hear all of the episodes so far.


An episode-by-episode guide to Leah Remini’s three-season, double-Emmy winning series that changed everything for Scientology watching. Originally aired from 2016 to 2019 on the A&E network, and now on Netflix.


Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

Other links: SCIENTOLOGY BLACK OPS: Tom Cruise and dirty tricks. Scientology’s Ideal Orgs, from one end of the planet to the other. Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society. Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in a weekly series. How many have you read?


[ONE year ago] L. Ron Hubbard is 110 years old, and Scientology is ready for its close-up!
[TWO years ago] For Scientology on L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday: A sworn declaration from Mike Rinder!
[THREE years ago] Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard is celebrating another birthday, and it’s a party!
[FOUR years ago] Scientology TV kicks off with Miscavige monologue, settles into familiar propaganda
[FIVE years ago] Danny Masterson turns 41 today, and we have a gift from his cast and crew at ‘The Ranch’
[SIX years ago] John Travolta and his ancient galactic friends celebrate Scientology’s holiest day of year
[SEVEN years ago] L. Ron Hubbard and ‘Going Clear’ — a reading list to celebrate Scientology’s birthday boy!
[EIGHT years ago] ‘BARE-FACED MESSIAH’ back in print: Our interview with author Russell Miller
[NINE years ago] What Could L. Ron Hubbard Use on His 102nd Birthday? How About a Little SUPER POWER!
[TEN years ago] Happy Birthday, L. Ron Hubbard! Here’s Our Surprise Gift For Scientology’s Founder


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley (1952-2019) did not see his daughter Stephanie in his final 5,667 days.
Valerie Haney has not seen her mother Lynne in 2,602 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 3,107 days
Sylvia Wagner DeWall has not seen her brother Randy in 2,627 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 1,647 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 1,538 days.
Christie Collbran has not seen her mother Liz King in 4,845 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 2,713 days.
Carol Nyburg has not seen her daughter Nancy in 3,487 days.
Doug Kramer has not seen his parents Linda and Norm in 1,818 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 4,291 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 3,607 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 12,173 days.
Melissa Paris has not seen her father Jean-Francois in 8,092 days.
Valeska Paris has not seen her brother Raphael in 4,260 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 3,841 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 4,102 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 3,138 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 2,853 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 2,378 days.
Julian Wain has not seen his brother Joseph or mother Susan in 733 days.
Charley Updegrove has not seen his son Toby in 1,908 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 6,459 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 3,608 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 3,928 days.
Roger Weller has not seen his daughter Alyssa in 8,783 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 3,902 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 2,258 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in 6,561 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 2,667 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 3,065 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 2,941 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 2,524 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 3,019 days.
Mary Jane Barry has not seen her daughter Samantha in 3,273 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 14,382 days.


Posted by Tony Ortega on March 13, 2022 at 07:00

E-mail tips to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We also post updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our new book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is now on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2021 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2021), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Other links: BLOGGING DIANETICS: Reading Scientology’s founding text cover to cover | UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists | GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice | SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts | Shelly Miscavige, 15 years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates, or join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news | Battling Babe-Hounds: Ross Jeffries v. R. Don Steele


Tony Ortega at The Daily Beast


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