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RANDOM HOWDY: Your daily dose of the Captain

Starting on October 6, 2019, we began a new daily feature here in the Bunker, quoting randomly from the amazing collection of wisdom from commenter Steve Cox, a/k/a “Captain Howdy,” who died in 2015 and whom our annual HowdyCon gathering is named after. Here’s the collection of Howdy’s utterances we’ve posted so far…

Oct 6: “Man, my groovy shark vid got no votes, but my simple-minded off-the-cuff remark got top vote. You people are weird.”

Oct 7: “I had a dream I was L. Ron Hubbard and I was wearing a cape, sitting on a throne, with a bevy of teenage beauties sitting at my feet.”

Oct 8: “Not all of us are rich enough to afford cable and some of us think it’s a wasteland.”


Oct 9: “This place is nuts, but not half as nuts as YouTube. It’s just a little bit more serious and astute and friendly.”

Oct 10: “I lived through 70’s Punk, early 80’s hardcore, late 80’s alternative, and whatever passed for a scene in the first half of the 90’s, and most of my friends from those time periods are dead. But at least they had some really good times before their number came up. I don’t think Scientologists can say the same.”

Oct 11: “Man-animals, come out of your caves. The Psychlos have deserted the planet. We have won!”

Oct 12: “I had really bad nightmares when I was young — one was a nightly reoccurring one that lasted almost a year and almost drove me insane. Something about HR Pufnstuf reminds me of those dreams. My dream would start soon as I laid down because in the dream I was still awake lying in my bed. All of the sudden reptilian hands would shoot up from underneath the end of the bed and grab my legs and pull me underneath the bed dragging me at breakneck speed down a hellish tunnel where creatures were living in the walls to meet my arch nemesis King Frog and his henchman Baby Huey. They would torture me for hours laughing and mocking me.”

Oct 13: “I’m not here to change anybody’s mind. I’m a soldier.”

Oct 14: “So my mom being constipated and my dad poking me in the eye with his dick is the reason my life is shit? Thanks Ron, I knew it was their fault somehow, but I thought it had something to do with bad genes.”

Oct 15: “Scientology may be circling the drain but there’s no shortage of crazy waiting in the wings. It’s going to be a long uphill battle to get to the top and stop the billions of minds waiting in line to go down that slippery slope called ‘magical thinking’.”

Oct 16: “The only sexual magick Crowley had came from an opium pipe or a syringe loaded with smack that let him keep it up all night. In street parlance it’s called ‘dope dick’.”

Oct 17: “I’m still amazed considering the subject of this forum when I read folks wondering about the efficacy of homeopathy, naturopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic medicine etc. People, assume everything’s a scam or magical thinking and work it back from there.”

Oct 18: “I asked vaLLarrr the Sci troll one time if any new OT levels were released, and they didn’t include Hubbard’s handwriting on some level, would s/he consider them genuine and s/he said ‘no’.”

Oct 19: “A day without Kirstie is like a day without donuts.”

Oct 20: “Hubbard was like 12 when he was in Asia. The only thing he was studying was jerking off.”

Oct 21: “Do you really think a guy who texts ‘YSCOHB’ to people has the self awareness to realize that Kirstie is making his business look bad?”

Oct 22: “So when your certificates get canceled, whose job is it to track down all those engrams and body thetans and tell them they need to re-implant and re-attach themselves?”


Oct 23: “When they landed on the Moon, the adults in my neighborhood were crying. I couldn’t understand it at the time.”

Oct 24: “The statistical fact that the vast majority of people who tried Scientology walked away from it almost immediately belies this idea that it’s a world class predatory system. A five percent success rate at hooking sucker fish is not impressive.”

Oct 25: “I’ll have you know I read each and every comment very carefully and that there are a myriad of reasons for why I may upvote them…or not.”

Oct 26: “Seeing as how the Church of Scientology has publicly stated that they are not a turn-the-other-cheek religion, how is any of this a shock to anyone?”

Oct 27: “Maybe you mocked up another version of yourself in a blackout and forgot about it. Ask Marty, it probably has something to do with Quantum Buddhism(c).”

Oct 28: “Being an old school punk/junkie I wish I had a buck for every bad thing I’ve ever heard said, written or depicted about people of my ‘ilk.’ Never mind all the verbal and physical assaults me and my friends had to endure back in the day from the supposedly ‘normal’ people. It goes with the territory called ‘freak.’ Get use to it. Wear it as a badge of experience.”

Oct 29: “You kids need to look around before you start posting comments willy-nilly.”

Oct 30: “When people say they got some good out of Scientology, I think to myself, ‘Yeah, telling your problems, fantasies or opinions to anybody, including hookers and homeless people, makes everybody feel better…derp!.’ This blog is my ‘auditing’.”

Oct 31: “As Claire pointed out, the whole ‘What is true for you is what you have observed yourself’ is a circular logic conundrum. It should be ‘If something isn’t true for you it’s because you have a M/U.’ I recall reading a paper by Touretzky or Kent that explained how the ‘misunderstood word’ is what everything else in Scientology revolves around. It is the key.”

Nov 1: “If Hubbard hadn’t created Scientology, no one would even remember him.”

Nov 2: “Miscavige became Emperor through the Hubbard-approved Roman rules of ascension, which he achieved by his control of the Praetorian guard of the Sea Org, the CMO. Once becoming Caesar, how could he smash his name into the history books of his hermit kingdom? He can’t add to the ‘tech’ so all that is left for him to do is BUILD BUILD BUILD. It’s all about the ruinous runt’s ego.”

Nov 3: “Opus Dei wields more political influence around the world than the Church of Scientology could ever dream of.”

Nov 4: “The way things are going evidence-wise and if DM is required to appear in court, I think Monique could demand an 8-figure deal without an NDA, without any contention.”

Nov 5: “Goodnight everyone and get your rest because tomorrow we travel further up the McSavage River into the Heart Of Darkness.”


Nov 6: “I understand where you’re coming from but the bottom line is that Scientology is a con and conning people is illegal, regardless of whether the victims are dupes and suckers.”

Nov 7: “I’m still nursing injuries from slam dancing.”

Nov 8: “Monsanto made everybody fat, TV made everybody stupid, and the Internet made everybody crazy.”

Nov 9: “How long did it take for the Shakers to cease to exist? As far as I’m concerned that’s the basic scenario we’re looking at here. The feds aren’t going to do anything about Scientology ever and there’s not going to be any Jonestown event (thank gawd) so what does that leave except a fade out to non-existence?”

Nov 10: “Past life Scientologists have to do the Basics all over again just like everybody else. Fair is fair, ya know?”

Nov 11: “Sunny is definitely Bunker Hall of Fame material after this. As long as she doesn’t get caught doing ‘roids or shooting an associate down the road from her house, she’s a first ballot shoo-in.”

Nov 12: “I’m bemused that ex-Scientologists still actively engage in magical thinking, not realizing that the number one reason that they got sucked into Scientology in the first place is because they were already engaged in magical thinking through a belief and interest in the supernatural and the paranormal which had already placed them on the slippery slope to cult hell.”

Nov 13: “Shit, I was under the gun for suggesting there were mucho socks on board…which was later proven to be true thanks to help from Robert, StillGrace and Andrew…and I was a big meanie for ragging on the noobs for over-commenting…and then I had the audacity to merely hint that the beloved Knickers was anything less than the Virgin Mary. I wasn’t saying shit to anyone at that point.”

Nov 14: “Hubbard had it wrong from the very beginning. Man is an animal and nothing more. Detachment from the material world is one of the main reasons humanity is destroying the material world. Spiritualism is our get out of jail free card.”

Nov 15: “Those who still believe in the tech will say that they ‘know’ that it works from personal experience and that science hasn’t caught up to LRH yet. vaLLarrr used to ask us if we thought we loved our mothers or if we knew we loved our mothers in her attempts to defend the tech as being empirically provable. It’s all self delusional mind games they’re playing with themselves.”

Nov 16: “My wife used to say the reason I was a such a morbid negative weirdo was because of all the horrible stories my dad use to tell me about Korea and WWII and all the other mondo cane shit he saw during his time in the merchant marines. I think she may have been right.”

Nov 17: “Scientology came into existence in the 50s, which saw the advent of the beatniks and new ageism followed by the hippies and a rampant world wide interest in the supernatural, occult, and paranormal. It’s fitting to me that Scientology peaked in the 80s with the rise of the yuppie.”

Nov 18: “Scientologists spend decades on staff and in the Sea Org and never come close to reaching Clear. The number one stated goal of Scientology is to ‘clear the planet’ i.e convert everyone to Scientology either by taking their money or making them indentured servants. Staff and S.O are told not to worry about course work, they can do that in their next lifetimes. The bottom line in Scientology is UPSTAT vs DOWNSTAT. Everything else is window dressing.”

Nov 19: “A Scientology divorce is simply postulating and as-ising that wife #2 never existed.”


Nov 20: “I worked off and on in the restaurant/hotel industry for years. When the kitchen got slammed i.e busy, pretty soon tempers would flare and everybody would be cursing one another left and right (sometimes it turned to mild violence). Cooks attacking servers, they in turn attacking the busboys who would in turn attack the dishwashers. When it was over everybody would go to the bar, get loaded and try to have sex with each other forgetting the previous transgressions. Words spoken in the heat of the moment mean nothing.”

Nov 21: “It’s not a question of whether the Church of Scientology has ever been capable of world domination, obviously that’s absurd. It’s that Hubbard’s writings state this as his goal which lays the groundwork for banning Scientology and similar organizations by governments around the world, justifiably so, in my opinion. If you’re going to talk shit, don’t cry foul when people make you choke on it.”

Nov 22: “When I first read about the solo auditing I remember thinking, ‘This is genius! Hubbard has these dupes so bamboozled he’s got them ripping themselves off.’ The most expensive part of the Bridge and you’re conning yourself. How would that hold up in court on a fraud charge?”

Nov 23: “All along the Bridge, in the lectures mainly, LRH drops all sorts of clues, inferences, asides that the whole thing was a game and that there was an inside joke. Unfortunately a certain percentage of the faithful failed to pick up on this.”

Nov 24: “My take on it is that Hubbard created Dianetics as a ‘short con’ and when it took off on a level he didn’t expect and when everyone by the early 60’s had reached ‘Clear’ and the gravy train started to slow down he created the ‘long con’ of the OT levels. The $64,000 question is whether due to mental illness and perhaps drug use did he start to believe in his own bullshit? When he says at the end of OTVIII ‘now that you know what you aren’t are you ready to find out what you really are?’ I see this as phase 2 of the long con. Hubbard is saying ‘Hey, guess what kids, I took a detour and I was on the wrong road but now I’m on the right one, so lets go.’ The bottom line and perhaps unanswerable question is how much was calculated and how much was crazy.”

Nov 25: “I’ve always wanted to move to Australia. I could hang out at the pub all day with Nick Cave and the Cosmic Psychos, get a dingo, collect funnel web spiders and tiger snakes and swim with white pointers and salties. Send me a ticket and a few thousand dollars to tie up lose ends and I’ll be right over.”

Nov 26: “Third party law was specifically created by Hubbard to handle mothers-in-law.”

Nov 27: “In ‘Road To Xenu’ Margery Wakefield recounts sitting around in the Sea Org cafeteria watching Star Trek and they were laughing because the wogs didn’t realize that the stuff on the screen was the writer’s suppressed whole track memories. Hubbard said somewhere that science fiction, if not all fiction, was whole track memories unbeknownst to its authors.”

Nov 28: “Every Thanksgiving my Dad would get in a bad mood and start saying stuff like the Native Americans should have slaughtered the pilgrims as soon as they landed.”

Nov 29: “Scientology is a racist philosophy. It’s anti homo sapiens.”

Nov 30: “Professors Kent and Touretzky are the go-to guys in the academic study of Scientology and cults in general.”

Dec 1: “I’m putting out a shoop challenge. I’m envisioning a shoop of LRH with a doll of Miscavige sitting on his lap and Tiny Cancer has a Tom Cruise doll sitting on his lap. The prize to the winner is a chicken dinner or a quadrillion Howdy bucks.”

Dec 2: “I’m an old punk who never had much time for hippies, but in retrospect I gotta admit they accomplished more than we punks did. We just had better fashion and got the music back to where it should be. I don’t know, but it always seems that after a certain point in any movement that the soldiers outlive their usefulness and the diplomats always take over.”

Dec 3: “The really scary thing to me about Carla Moxon is that there are literally millions of others like her in this world that are seriously mentally deluded due to magical thinking and they are among us doing jobs that could cause the rest of us harm if they just go off a tad too much at the wrong time. Anybody keeping track of all the problems going on with members of the ICBM defense system? And that’s not even due to magical thinking.”


Dec 4: “David Miscavige is the Sarah Winchester of cult leaders. He just keeps building and building, trying to keep the ghosts of his and Hubbard’s victims at bay.”

Dec 5: “I remember like 2009 thinking we were kicking ass on Scientology on YouTube and the whole cult/magical thinking in general…and then I discovered David Icke, and I remember thinking ‘What’s the use?’ Knock one down and another takes its place.”

Dec 6: “Posting any old Scientology video isn’t automatically relevant. It should relate to the subject of the day’s article.”

Dec 7: “Hubbard was navy-obsessed. You have to climb up to get to the ‘bridge’ on a ship.”

Dec 8: “On more than one occasion I have met someone and after a few minutes of casual conversation I have been forced to ask myself whether this person is the sort of fellow who is going to attempt to run off with my wife and my car or if he’s the kind of guy that’s going to try and run off with my girlfriend and my boat. Thanks to L. Ron Hubbard I have knowingness of scamingness.”

Dec 9: “Miscavige has billions at his disposal and he has thousands of lackeys and soldiers to order around. He’s the Teflon Pope.”

Dec 10: “Miscavige is a crime boss. If you’re a crime boss or a loan shark you can’t let somebody disrespect you or not pay back a loan, you have to make an example out of them to keep the rest of the underlings in line. This is more important than public perception.”

Dec 11: “Thing is he knows that if Lou called up a restaurant or a movie theater and said ‘Mr. Miscavige would like to visit your establishment, could you please close for the evening to accommodate this,’ they would respond ‘Who?’ His frail ego couldn’t handle this. That’s why the only time he goes out is when he’s with Cruise.”

Dec 12: “I remember one time I was talking to vaLLarrr and she let slip that the universe was 76 trillion years old. The next day she tried to make out she had been talking about the multiverse theory, but when I pressed her on it she admitted that wasn’t what she originally meant — she was honest in a weird way. That was a big win for me to get her to engage in verbal tech because normally she was super slick about avoiding that.”

Dec 13: “Future membership growth for the Church of Scientology has been effectively terminated by the Internet and Anonymous and the old guard critics. Its name is MUD. It’s definitely headed for Shakerdom and that was the original goal. As far as bringing DM to justice and the government doing anything about that, I wouldn’t hold my breath.”

Dec 14: “Most animals have more of an affinity for their offspring than the average Scientologist.”

Dec 15: “The irony is that a supposed spiritual technology that is claimed to be based in science and logic to some degree is actually the most fundamentalist ‘religion’ ever created. The Westboro Baptist Church and the Taliban have nothing on Scientology when it comes to fundamentalist dogma.”

Dec 16: “If communication is the universal solvent, why is it that in Scientology you can’t communicate with other Scientologists or non-Scientologists about how the tech works and what it’s done for you? Is it because it will make their heads explode like the guy in Scanners? Why are there no theologians in Scientology? Why can’t you ask a course supervisor what they think Hubbard really meant by a certain passage? Why is it that Scientologists are only able to respond to non-Scientolgists with rote responses?”

Dec 17: “After Waco the political will to do anything about cults vanished. The main reason they finally did something about Warren Jeffs and the FLDS was because it was a pedo factory. America is a very religious country and it’s also a celebrity-obsessed country. When you have names like Cruise and Travolta running interference for you, you can run a long way.”


Dec 18: “I think it’s safe to say at this point in the proceedings that the reason things are so bad in the unchurch of Scientology aren’t due merely to Miscavige being dumb or incompetent. It’s obvious that he is a purposeful sadist who actively enjoys plotting new ways to torment his captive flock. He’s King Joffery, he’s Ivan the Terrible. He’s freaking nuts.”

Dec 19: “The comments sections on the CCHR vids on YouTube are this uber weird mix of Scientologists and the mentally ill who gravitate to this bullshit because it justifies them not taking their meds. It makes for some very unusual reading.”

Dec 20: “12:35! Oh shit, there goes another day shot to hell.”

Dec 21: “Chinese food, Mexican food, good fish’n’chips and the occasional great hamburger and potatoes are all I need to live.”

Dec 22: “Dude, we don’t get ‘in comm’ with people around here, we talk to them.”

Dec 23: “One of the few things I appreciate about the cult is their retro-ness.”

Dec 24: “‘If all Scientologists were John Travolta clones, Scientology would be a good deal.’ I’m not sure the Massage Association of America would agree with you on that one, Jimmy.”

Dec 25: “Christmas in the U.S was invented by Ulysses S. Grant, Macy’s, and Sears & Roebuck after the Civil War to help jump-start the economy and pay for the war. The Pilgrims banned Christmas. Christmas in Europe was a drunken eat-till-you-puke orgy.”

Dec 26: “You’re better off trying to kick dope or booze at home than going to a Narconon. It would be safer and a hell of a lot cheaper. For 100 bucks you could get some benzos, Imodium, and prilosec and you’d be better off and safer than going to a Narconon cold turkey death camp.”

Dec 27: “When I first read about ‘TR-Alice’ I was stunned because to me it was so obviously Hubbard laughing at his marks and laying out a huge clue that he was scamming them.”

Dec 28: “I’m guessing Dan Sherman has a ‘Word of the Day’ thing he sends out on the telex doohickey.”

Dec 29: “To my mind all religion is organized superstition and magical thinking that was created to explain the unexplainable and to get people to behave. Also, financial reward and social power for the creators has sometimes played a significant role. Some of it was made up thousands of years ago, some of it was made up much more recently. If you can get people to believe it’s a religion…it’s a religion.”

Dec 30: “When I hear Blubbard speak I can totally hear him trying to copy those old time comedians and storytellers like Will Rogers.”

Dec 31: “Well Sherbert, it doesn’t look like this tired ole punk is going to make it to midnight, so a ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR’ to you and the the rest of the Degenerates and a ‘Big, Big Love’.”


Jan 1: “In the 1980s Scientology had 100,000+ members. Today, it has 20,000 or less, plus the more competent members have left. In the 70s & 80s there was Operation Snow White, Operations Daniel and Dynamite (Paulette Cooper) etc. Today, It’s Squirrel Busters, Freedumb Magazine and smear sites no one sees. We have THEM running scared. OSA is a joke.”

Jan 2: “Alex Jones and L. Ron both became millionaires by selling people crazy. The $64,000 question is whether it was (A) a cynical scam (B) they’re both insane (C) all of the above.”

Jan 3: “There seems to be a reluctance even among some exes to understand that all the E-meter is physically capable of doing is measuring galvanic skin response. It is incapable of reading one’s emotional state.”

Jan 4: “The only thing I want from Disqus is to bring back the downvote, make the AV image bigger and make the YouTube video image much smaller.”

Jan 5: “Well, Hubbard did say that the thetans created the MEST universe so that they would have a place to play, but that eventually they forgot they had done so. The idea that Hubbard saw this whole thing as a game has always seemed pretty obvious to me.”

Jan 6: “Scientologists have had a King Arthur fetish going back to day one. LRH moving to England buying a ‘castle,’ very expected and cliched to say the least. Knights of the Three Card Monte Table, here to save the world.”

Jan 7: “Phew, I’m just getting back after sitting in the alley for 2 hours with the cats after some asshole in the building tried to set some other guy’s door on fire. The firemen said we were very lucky the ornament that the asshole tried to start the fire with went out otherwise we would have all been toast. Isn’t life grand?”

Jan 8: “It really doesn’t matter if the people still in the Church of Scientology are happy or not because the organization itself is a criminal conspiracy that needs to be brought down. Are we suppose to go easy on organized crime because its members might be, generally speaking, having a good time?”

Jan 9: “I’ve never ever really been worried about a Scientology Jonestown. There’s no apocalyptic scripture and it’s too much about the money, and the participants are way too yuppie white bread for something like that.”

Jan 10: “Miscavige isn’t that old and he’s got plenty of money, real estate, and willing slaves to play with. I saw an interview with Pol Pot shortly before he died and it boiled down to him saying he wished he could do some things over but he did what he thought was best for the people of Cambodia. Miscavige is either a non-believer who thinks ‘suckers get what they deserve and if it wasn’t me somebody else would be fleecing these idiots’ or he’s a believer and thinks ‘Yes, I’ve been a strongman, but that’s what was necessary to insure the survival of this organization.’ Caesar or charlatan?”

Jan 11: “If Scientology could, then based solely on the words of L Ron Hubbard they would be gladly killing ‘infidels’ who refused to convert.”

Jan 12: “Burroughs thought that psychedelics could help him break his junk addiction, but he also thought the same thing about Scientology.”

Jan 13: “I’m still waiting for someone to do the obvious KFC shoop with the KSW and L Ron as the Colonel. Preferably on a bucket.”

Jan 14: “The tech is the meaningless musings of a drug- and alcohol-addled madman who was making it up as he went along. You might as well have been playing hide-and-go-seek for 17 years.”


Jan 15: “You don’t have to go up the Bridge to achieve a position of power in Scientology. All you have to do is be a wily, conniving, ruthless asshole. Just like every other totalitarian organization in history.”

Jan 16: “Steve Allen and Johnny Carson hated Scientology.”

Jan 17: “From what I’ve seen and read, status is very competitive and important in public Scientology. Except, instead of cars and homes and jewelry it’s Monty Python Roman titles, bowling trophies and dime store certificates.”

Jan 18: “I’ve already exteriorized three times today…without coffee!”

Jan 19: “OT 7 is just sitting in a room talking to yourself and seeing if the needle reacts. You’d think after a couple of years of doing that they would just say ‘fuck it!’ and tell the case supervisor ‘The belfry is bat-free’.”

Jan 20: “Clear Cognition: You mocked up your reactive mind. OT8 Cognition: You mocked up the Space Opera, your past lives and your BT infestation. The trigger for the OT8 cognition is the line ‘the Pilot says: I’m mocking this up.’ The desired End Phenomena is ‘Now that I know what I am not, I am ready to find out what I am’.”

Jan 21: “You’re nothing around here unless you’ve been corrected or admonished by The Proprietor at least once.”

Jan 22: “Scientology doesn’t have to murder people. It just drives them crazy and they end up murdering others or they kill themselves. Scientology may have murdered someone in the past, but there’s no conclusive proof — and critics talking like it’s a fact just makes them look kinda obsessed and a little bit nuts to outsiders.”

Jan 23: “Typical Space Ozzie & Harriet ‘Remember the good ole days before all the perversion and permissiveness that lead to the downward spiral?’ reactionary bullshit. Except for the Space Opera, Scientologists have the same mindset as your average teabagger, fundie christian, conspiracy nut, gun lovin’ closet Nazi wingnut. I suggest we round them all up and send them to the FEMA camp called Branson MO.”

Jan 24: “If you believe that the Church of Scientology is a criminal organization, that makes David Miscavige the most successful crime boss in the world.”

Jan 25: “People say to me, ‘So, have you met a Scientologist?’ And I laugh and think to myself, ‘What a beautiful thing,’ because maybe one day it will be like that, you know? You know what I’m saying. Maybe one day it will be that ‘Wow, Scientologists, they just read about those in the history books.’ You know?”

Jan 26: “Miscavige is downsizing the corporation, cutting his overhead to the barest minimum and consolidating his forces in his last two strongholds, L.A and Clearwater. It makes sense. In Pyongyang most of the office buildings and hotels are empty except for a skeleton staff to make it look good for the occasional tourist or journalist they let in. They’re also there to turn the faucets on occasionally and keep the boiler running. It makes the Generals and the Kims happy, and that’s all that really matters.”

Jan 27: “Ever read any of the crap the conspiracy cult followers believe in? And they number in the millions, not tens of thousands. Remember in The Mist where the people trapped in the supermarket immediately start their own cult ? That’s how most people think.”

Jan 28: “Sometimes people in official positions ask me if I have any living relatives and I’m yeah, but…then I feel sad.”


Jan 29: “Does anyone else here understand how hard it is to explain to a complete stranger that your relative is a Scientologist?”

Jan 30: “If any kid ever needed a hickory switch it was L Ron Hubbard.”

Jan 31: “My father didn’t even want to go to Korea. He considered himself a socialist and he had already served in WWII and he had this incredibly cush job as Chief Steward on a luxury liner The Lorlene that sailed from S.F to Hawaii, so when he got his draft notice he threw it in the trash. They came aboard the ship and arrested him, sent him to the stockade for a few months and asked him if he wanted to stay there for the next 10 years or go to Korea. He went to Korea, became a tank sergeant and won a Silver Star, Bronze Star and Purple Heart…and he killed a Chinese soldier with his bayonet. That’s the thing he really brought home.”

Feb 1: “I still keep coming back to the fact that the mind control/brainwashing/undue influence only worked on a very small percentage of those exposed to it. I think that the focus should be on what the 5 percent (or thereabouts) of the exposed population who joined groups like Scientology, the NSDAP or the Khmer Rouge have in common.”

Feb 2: “As a 49ers/Patriots fan with 8 Super Bowl wins between them, I feel Jimmy’s pain.”

Feb 3: “Scientology/Dianetics was originally intended to END with going Clear. And then LRH realized the short con of that was going to run dry, so he came up with the LONG CON of the OT levels. It’s that simple.”

Feb 4: “Raining on other people’s parades is one of my specialties.”

Feb 5: “The one thing that LRH and D.M. have elevated to a fine art is cheapness. I heard stories about J. Paul Getty when I was a kid and he had nothing on these guys.”

Feb 6: “If I knew I was going to live this long, I would have tried even harder to destroy myself.”

Feb 7: “The 49ers sucked so bad I was forced to turn to punk rock and hard drugs for entertainment. It’s all John Brodie and Scientology’s fault.”

Feb 8: “Stan Lee, Forrest J Ackerman and Hugh Hefner are the Holy Trinity of my adolescence.”

Feb 9: “The difference is real religions admit their beliefs are based on faith, whereas Scientology claims nothing in it is based on belief or faith, but is based on 100 percent proven scientific fact.”

Feb 10: “This idea that we’re going to gently coax these people out of the cult is rubbish. Let’s say there are 15,000 to 30,000 left in the world, do you realize how long this method would take? Your average ‘good’ Scientologist isn’t interested in having a conversation with any wog any more than your average ISIS, Taliban, Al-Qaeda member is interested in having a conversation with an Infidel. A fanatic is a fanatic.”

Feb 11: “I think Tony is taking the day off and that’s just fine by me. Watch some football or somethin’ everybody.”


Feb 12: “If only we could take a ride in Mr. Peabody’s Wayback Machine to pre-1970 and that magical time before the 100 percent scientifically correct TECH turned into incomprehensible DRECK. The gods are cruel.”

Feb 13: “Scientology was touted as the religion for the space age, but stylistically it’s firmly stuck in the time period of, let’s say, 1950 to the 1980s. In its own way Scientology and its members come across as being every bit as tragically unhip as their Fundamentalist Christian counterparts. Squares from Space.”

Feb 14: “The idiots show up like clockwork on a Thursday, leave a couple of barely comprehensible comments and scurry away, and they’ve done their job for the week! I think Miscavige is overpaying them.”

Feb 15: “Jenna Elfman is jihadi-level crazy. She wouldn’t hesitate to go on a martyr mission if D.M. ordered her to.”

Feb 16: “It’s just like the mob, if you’re a money maker, you’re golden. You can molest the kids, murder your mistress etc but as long as you’re UPSTAT you’re a HERO. This statement by Hubbard is all the proof that the indies or anyone else should ever need to convince them that it was never about anything else except the money.”

Feb 17: “47x Shades of Cray: The Grant Cardone Story”

Feb 18: “I was just ruminating that Manson probably got the idea for ‘creepy crawl’ from some Scientology experience.”

Feb 19: “Confiscating people’s passports is a classic Eastern European sex trade/slave tactic.It doesn’t get more obvious and sinister.”

Feb 20: “All you need to do to strike spiritual gold is to tell the mutant killer apes with the over-developed brain stems that death is not the end and that they’re more than just another species of animal.”

Feb 21: “Pleasure and pain are what motivates everyone on the most basic level. People do things because they make them feel good, whether it be dope or Scientology. Even after drug addiction becomes destructive, people keep doing it because it’s become their way of life and people fear change (and pain) more than anything.”

Feb 22: “Most of the junkies I’ve talked to told me the reason they did dope was because it made them feel ‘normal,’ not for the buzz. It made them feel the way they always imagined life should feel, even before they tried it. Unfortunately it’s an illusion, just like the ‘tech,’ and it ends up costing you everything. Hey, if they made Scientology and dope free just think of all the money and pain saved!”

Feb 23: “‘Ness is More.’ It’s Hubbard’s version of his favorite book ‘1984″ ‘Reduce the language down to its most base level and you can control what people think and it also separates them from the rest of society. Hubbard was already fairly knowledgeable about mind control techniques and hypnotism before he wrote Dianetics, so I don’t know why anyone would think his specific control techniques were by accident.”

Feb 24: “I seem to recall that a fear of heights is an engram caused by the thetan-occupied clam remembering being dropped by a seagull.”

Feb 25: “When you tell vaLLarrr that LRH had no degrees or academic training, s/he replies that science hasn’t caught up to LRH yet and that Newton was insane and Einstein was a high school dropout. Rathbun was doing the same thing when he was trying to compare the quantum theory that nothing really exists unless you’re looking at it with Hubbard’s bullshit about subjective reality.”


Feb 26: “For the last time it’s a genderless demon eating a turkey leg.”

Feb 27: “The ‘church’ had to admit to TR-L in the Canadian trial when they questioned the veracity of the prosecution’s ex-Scientologist witnesses by stating to the judge their testimony couldn’t be trusted because they had been specifically trained to lie while in the church.”

Feb 28: “Who would have thunk back in the 90s that Tom Cruise and ‘batshit crazy’ would become synonymous thanks to a bunch of juvenile delinquents calling themselves ‘Anonymous.’ Thank Xenu I lived long enough to see it.”

Feb 29: “I’ve met or known Rastafarians, Wiccans and Satanists but I’ve never met a Scientologist in real life except my sister, which doesn’t count seeing as how that’s an accident of birth. Oh the shame.”

Mar 1: “Crowley adherents take the man at his word just like you-know-who do. They don’t understand he was a showman B.S.-artist and it was all about the sex and drugs. They believe in ‘magick’.”

Mar 2: “Even after all this time I’m still shocked at how this ‘religion’ is able to turn people into the biggest bunch of liars, bullies and amoral a-holes I’ve ever come across. I’m use to associating with junkies, prostitutes, and various other sundry shady types, but generally speaking, those people have more of a moral compass than your militant Scientologist.”

Mar 3: “Seeing as how boxers get knocked out more than any other group, RTC is missing a golden opportunity to prove the efficacy of Dianetic theory by grabbing some punch-drunk pugilist off of Skid Row and giving him six months of auditing and then calling a press conference where the former rummy could recite Shakespeare and explain quantum theory to all present. Why doesn’t C.O.B. think of these things?”

Mar 4: “Bob, no offense, but thoughts don’t have mass.”

Mar 5: “Seeing as how Scientology is the only ‘religion’ that doesn’t have theologians, there’s no worry about theological inconsistency. As far as plot-holes in the story go, the one thing that keeps them in is this steadfast assertion that they have observed auditing and the rest of the tech to actually work. If they can’t get past this and realize they have been tricking themselves, then at best they’ll be indies/FZ for the rest of their lives.”

Mar 6: “Hubbard was definitely trolling people on some level. You can see it in that cartoon lupine grin he was always sporting.”

Mar 7: “Hubbard deciding the right tone level for being mauled by a bear is fabulous.”

Mar 8: “I’d bet the farm that this isn’t the end of the battle for the mind of poor Suri. This was only round one. Things will get ugly, real ugly, further down the road.”

Mar 9; “Hey, a free trip to America and free rice and beans probably sounds pretty good to a fairly large segment of the world’s population.”

Mar 10: “I think right now Katie’s main goal is to get Suri acclimated to the real world and to not give Tom and Bert any ammo for a new custody suit. Can you imagine if Katie got caught smoking pot or something else fairly innocuous to most sane people?”


Mar 11: “You people’s humanity is rubbing off on me and it’s making me unstable.”

Mar 12: “I’m not ‘hating’ on anybody — especially folks I don’t even know — but on the other hand I don’t believe in turning a blind eye in order to maintain a positive front. My sister undoubtedly put her kids in the Sea Org, and for that I could never forgive her.”

Mar 13: “So they regulate brothels in Nevada but not drug rehabs?”

Mar 14: “Hey, if chronic drunkenness, drug addiction, and debauchery were good enough for L. Ron, they’re good enough for me!”

Mar 15: “I (and my parents) got my high school teacher fired for trying to use EST to teach us algebra. This was after he threw me out of the class for pointing out to him that EST was a cult and what he was doing was illegal and against school policy. This was like ’73 or ’74.”

Mar 16: “Before today I considered Miscavige a cynical manipulating sociopath, and they’re a dime a dozen. Now he seems to be more the dangerously insane Idi Amin-style dictator. This doesn’t bode well for the future.”

Mar 17: “Capt. Howdy swears by some Dr Pepper and Jim Beam Black at the end of another lackadaisical day.”

Mar 18: “I found a notebook on the street back in the 90’s and it was the diary of someone who was obviously mentally ill, probably schizophrenic, and in parts it read just like a lot LRH’s ‘writings,’ like the stuff in today’s article. Looking back, I’m guessing most prophets were either schizo or con men or both, like LRH. That would explain a lot history-wise.”

Mar 19: “I love a good yodel. I think I’m going to have to upload some yodeling vids here shortly. I found some good ones by Nina Hagen and Jewel. I’ll let the people decide democratically.”

Mar 20: “I’m surprised Gary Glitter didn’t become a Scientologist. It would have been the perfect cover for his degraded beingness.”

Mar 21: “So when some little kid says ‘goo goo ga ga’ during an auditing session the auditor tells the parents that junior was speaking in a whole track alien dialect?”

Mar 22: “Margery Wakefield writes in ‘The Road To Xenu’ about how they were allowed and encouraged to watch Star Trek in the mess hall. They would laugh about how the ‘wogs’ didn’t understand what they were watching were real Whole Track memories.”

Mar 23: “I remember growing up in the 60’s, and this idea that all of our problems were due to suppressed subconscious desires or traumatic incidents we had ‘forgotten,’ and if some psych could make us remember we would be miraculously whole and normal again like Liz Taylor, was the concept that was being pushed on everyone. Hubbard just took the bullshit and ran with it.”

Mar 24: “I went to the Scientology rebuttal site for ‘Going Clear’ and it’s almost as long as the book! They start fairly low-keyed and then next thing I knew they were inferring that Dave Touretzky was trying to get people to bomb Scientology orgs. They can’t control the crazy for too long.”


Mar 25: “You know, I actually try not to swear on here. And If I’m in mixed company I try to do the same. Even though I’m an old punk I do have fairly good manners, and I have the scars from my mother’s fingernails digging into the fleshy part of my arm when I didn’t to prove it.”

Mar 26: “So the owner of a gay bar took money from the Church of Scientology? AAAAGGHH! Now I’m really in a bad mood.”

Mar 27: “In a country that supposedly has 3 million-plus Scientologists they could only muster a few hundred in Portland. How much more farcical can this crap get before the remaining few wake up and screw?”

Mar 28: “I laugh when Scientologists state that Scientology has nothing to do with faith or belief, and that it doesn’t involve a belief in the supernatural or paranormal. Yeah, spirits, reincarnation, telekinesis, astral projection, demons (body thetans) have nothing to do with anything like that!”

Mar 29: “I rarely ever downvote comments. I do downvote rude comments and drive-by comments by Scientologists (or people pretending to be) who are too chicken to hang around and argue their beliefs. If a real Scientologist showed up here and seriously debated their beliefs with someone, I wouldn’t downvote them.”

Mar 30: “The first time I heard about people having to pay for being sec checked I was gobsmacked. OT 7’s have to get sec checked every 6 months to the tune of twenty grand or thereabouts. Imagine if the cops started charging people to be interrogated? Without a lawyer!”

Mar 31: “Hubbard thought ‘1984’ was a How-To manual.”

Apr 1: “Better to be pissed off than pissed on.”

Apr 2: “Why would Scientologists feel love for each other? According to Hubbard they are just random thetans occupying random meat bodies. Your children aren’t really ‘your’ children. That’s one of the reasons it seems so easy for some Scientologists to disconnect. Your relatives are merely other pod people.”

Apr 3: “We Farsecians are not evil. We are the Knights Templar of the Universe. We are the Keepers of the ARC of the Covenant.”

Apr 4: “Some of my greatest wins have come from applying the ‘you seem kind of tense’ back rub tech. Last thing we want is for the WOGs — a/k/a Women On Guard — to become aware of this wondrous technology.”

Apr 5: “It’s ‘nix’ on ESP and telepathy, but ‘ja’ on Telekinesis and Astral Projection? No reason or rhyme to the mind of Mother Hubbard.”

Apr 6: “Scientology ‘the religion’ is still engaged in medical fraud and could be charged as such if politicians in general had any balls or morals.”

Apr 7: “‘Revolt in the Stars’ should be a new reality show where Scientology celebs are put into the Sea Org and the viewers watch as one by one they quit in anguish and leave stupid Scientology.”


Apr 8: “From what I’ve read registrars routinely tell prospective clients that Scientology can cure numerous physical aliments that the person is suffering from. That is medical fraud, is it not?”

Apr 9: “So Miscavige quit doing processing right around the same time he assumed power? Sounds like he read OT 3, realized it was rubbish and went for the gold instead. That’s pretty much what I’ve always assumed.”

Apr 10: “I wear shorts and combat boots to the beach. Who am I kidding, I never go to the beach even though I live right near it. It’s full of gangbangers, junkies, alkies and crackheads.”

Apr 11: “Ingo Swann was a Scientologist at one time and also a superstar of the make-believe magical circus. He was confirmed as being a ‘genuine psychic’ by Professors Dumb & Dumber (Russell Targ and Harold Puthoff), the same suckers who were conned by Uri Geller.”

Apr 12: “Believe it or not, ‘Wichita Lineman’ is one of my all time favorite songs. I’m usually in tears by the end of it.”

Apr 13: “Have you ever destroyed a planet with a jim-dandy whizzer?”

Apr 14: “Brand new account created just for this idiotic hit and run. These people couldn’t troll if their lives depended on it.”

Apr 15: “The only thing standing between Scientology being viewed in the same light as FLDS, Peoples Temple or Branch Davidians by the general public is Tom Cruise and the rest of the celebs.”

Apr 16: “I took two trazodone at least six hours ago and I woke up and it’s only an hour later. What the hell is going on? Did the Fifth Invader Force land?”

Apr 17: “It all depends on what the definition of a ‘win’ is. Somebody claiming they were cured of their asthma or allergies is ridiculous. Somebody saying that auditing made them happier is vague BS also. The only thing you ‘win’ in Scientology is the Booby Prize.”

Apr 18: “It would be fun if there were real monsters, but the only real monsters on this planet are us.”

Apr 19: “Denise is teaching the kids how the barter system works.”

Apr 20: “Human nature isn’t that complex. If you strip away the unnatural veneer of civilization, what are you left with? Spend some time on the street and tell me human nature is complex. Human egotism is infinite is more like it.”

Apr 21: “Most people have never heard of the guy who invented the mouse. But a lot of them have heard of L Ron Hubbard. This is why I drink.”


Apr 22: “At least two thirds of the people who showed up on the top five anti-Scientology vids on YouTube from 2008-2010 representing themselves as Scientologists were in fact FAKE. And I was usually the person who busted them.”

Apr 23: “What got me here was a lifelong interest in the weird and macabre, combined with a sister who joined the cult in 1980. In 2008 I heard about a video on YouTube that featured Tom Cruise taking about Scientology. I started following the comments by the anons and Scilons, and I realized I really didn’t know as much about Scientology as I thought I did, so I got busy.”

Apr 24: “You can’t even receive auditing if you’re engaged in other ‘spiritual’ practices like meditation. The whole ‘other religions are OK with us’ is demonstrably false.”

Apr 25: “I think it’s called the ‘If you become rich & famous, all is forgiven’ tech.”

Apr 26: “If it weren’t for the celebrities, David Miscavige would have less name recognition than Marshall Applewhite or whoever is running the Raelians.”

Apr 27: “The big difference between Scientology and the mafia is the mafia actually go to church on Sunday.”

Apr 28: “‘Malcolm In The Middle’ was so good I broke my rule for watching TV shows with Scientologists in them.”

Apr 29: “In Scientology, ripping off a wog isn’t a crime, it’s a duty.”

Apr 30: “Scientologists have zero loyalty to anything except Ron and the ‘Tech.’ The concepts of country and patriotism are wog nonsense to them. They are committed to a world wide jihad against all countries and nations. Real Scientologists don’t even feel any loyalty to their family members, let alone their country.”

May 1: “Penguins and leopard seals are difficult to audit. LRH exteriorized and attempted to do this, but found it too daunting. The penguins had too many withholds, and the leopard seals had too many overts.”

May 2: “The visual image of Tom the Jumping Jackass is priceless in itself and will stay with me for a very long time.”

May 3: “The only people who don’t adore me are the people who abhor me, and that’s just how I want it. You’re either in or you’re out.”

May 4: “People keep calling for the government to do something about Scientology. I just hope none of those people are the same people calling for a lot less government, because that would be kind of hypocritical, don’t you think? And I’ll leave it at that.”

May 5: “No one knows what possible dirt there may be in Katie’s PC folder. Her first concern is maintaining the image of a ‘fit’ mother so Cruise doesn’t try to get custody of Suri on that accusation. If she dishes dirt I’m sure so will he.”


May 6: “Scientologists are the Kings and Queens of semantic pedantic literalistic obfuscating weasel word games.”

May 7: “Hubbard just took ‘astral projection’ and redefined it as ‘exteriorization’.”

May 8: “They sent me a notice for jury duty last year and I scrawled across it ‘I am a Scientologist and we do not recognize your authority in this sector of the galaxy.’ They sent me a notice back about having to get a letter from my clergyman and to bring it down to the court. I threw that in the garbage.”

May 9: “David Miscavige is a South Philly street punk: rude, lewd, and crude. He wants to be Vito Genovese but he’s John Gotti instead. All flash and bravado with no real depth or vision.”

May 10: “The gambling analogy for Scientology is more appropriate than the drug one. At least with drugs you actually get something real for your money — the fact it may be really bad for you is a different story. In Scientology all you get is air and worthless slips of paper, just like the lottery.”

May 11: “The sixties counterculture turned a lot of people into Baba Dumbasses and Shirley MacLaines. People use to be a lot tougher and more levelheaded back in the day.”

May 12: “I wouldn’t sweat it. I’ve been doing this since 2008 and I’ve given vaLLarrr and other Scientologists more than enough clues as to who my sister is that if they wanted to dox me and come after me they could have long ago. All they got left is squirrel cams, fat sleazy P.I’s and slime sites that no one reads except other Scientologists.”

May 13: “The world is disconnected because of technology, it turns people into zombies. A handful of corporations control all the the media, the arts, and what passes for popular culture these days. What happened to rock’n’roll? It’s been replaced by no talent moop thugs who can’t play an instrument and can’t write lyrics above the 4th grade. There is no more rebellion. They’ve won. It’s ‘Tittytainment’ from here on out. Detroit has gone bankrupt and the corporations are going to run the city. Didn’t they make a movie about that 20 years ago?”

May 14: “The FDA could have busted Scientology a thousand times over for medical fraud if they simply sent in undercover agents wired for sound and vision to sign up for courses. Scientology registrars will promise any and all medical cures as long as you show them the money. The government is an ass.”

May 15: “Eva Gabor was awesome in Green Acres, which was one of the most underrated, surrealist shows of all time. It’s worthy of Lynch or Buñuel.”

May 16: “I’m on drugs.”

May 17: “Sherbet, if you saw ‘Heavenly Creatures’ — the best film Peter Jackson ever did — you would understand the similarities between the folie à deux world the girls live in and that of Scientologists. Plus it’s got clay modeling as well as Kate Winslet and ‘Rose’ from ‘Two and a Half Men’.”

May 18: “All the e-meter is capable of is measuring galvanic skin response. It has as much scientific, technical value as X-Ray glasses and Sea Monkeys.”

May 19: “Thank god I didn’t have to go to confession. It would have taken a team of priests working in shifts to cover my multitude of sins.”


May 20: “If you want some major lulz, google ‘David Icke forum Scientology’ and get ready to read the 12-foot shape-shifting reptilian fanboys make fun of the immortal super powered Thetans. it’s a hoot.”

May 21: “The only other ‘church’ I can think of that stoops to calling people names is the Westboro Baptist Church.”

May 22: “I was attacked by an angry goose once. I still have that engram.”

May 23: “I love churches, cathedrals, mosques and I’ve visited more than few of them. I just don’t like what’s being taught in a lot of them.”

May 24: “There are no shortage of folks here who enjoy a serious discourse, and there are those like myself who love satire, snark, and the absurd. That’s what makes this place so special. You need to be able to appreciate both to truly get the whole groovy effect of this place. And there’s a difference between respecting people and respecting their ‘beliefs’.”

May 25: “There is plenty room around here for the J&D’s as well as the ‘Herberts’ and if people cross way over the line they usually get their asses straightened out by both sides.”

May 26: “The ultimate goal of Hubbard’s bridge was to take all your money and then turn you into a slave once your money was gone. And if you did have enough money to make it all the way up the Bridge, the EP was hopefully insanity or suicide so you couldn’t sue Hubbard’s ass for fraud or spill the beans.”

May 27: “A Scientologist is a person who keeps buying bunk drugs that do nothing and he goes back to the dealer and tells him he didn’t feel anything and the dealer tells him everybody else says the stuff is the bomb and he must have done something wrong, so the dude buys some more and does it again and again and again. He’s a chump.”

May 28: “I’m from S.F. and the Jonestown massacre happened on November 18, 1978 and the Moscone/Milk assassinations happened on November 27, 1978. So yeah, it was definitely a very strange and stressful time to be living in Frisco. It seemed like Armageddon. My father worked with a guy named Fred Lewis who lost 27 relatives at Jonestown. As far as a Jonestown-like event happening at Gold Base, I find it doubtful, but if the ‘perfect storm’ of mishaps, misadventures, miscommunications took place, like at Waco, it’s possible. I think Miscavige is more the mob boss type than the fanatical cult leader type. That’s a major factor.”

May 29: “I appreciate Shatner for being a survivor and roaring back to be virtually everywhere at once after his wife died and everyone had written him off as a hopeless drunk.”

May 30: “First there was the Thetaverse and the Thetans were born, and through shared agreement and control of MEST (superpowers) they created other universes and then they created the MEST universe so they could assume physical form and have a playground to play ‘games’ in and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. But eventually they forgot all this. And I thought to myself, ‘Hey, isn’t this a Star Trek or Outer Limits episode?’”

May 31: “No way is D.M. going to intentionally beach a whale. The obvious solution would be to send someone to their mansion to audit them. I’ve read they do this. First of all, it makes the whale feel special, and secondly, it prevents the whales from going to the Orgs and seeing how empty they are.”

June 1: “Scientology’s aesthetic muse is the Hallmark Channel filming on location in Branson, Missouri with some Space Opera whipping on top.”

June 2: “In the cosmology of L. Ron Hubbard your children aren’t really ‘your’ children. Instead they are just non-corporeal immortal alien beings who popped into the genetic entity inhabiting the womb of the bigger thetan who proceeds to plop it out. They would have these little thetans signing billion-year contracts with their little footprints if they could.”


June 3: “There’s no shortage of angry disaffected white people in this country. It’s scary.”

June 4: “They do what’s called in Scientology ‘off-loading’ which is when some elderly staff member can no longer perform on the most basic level they throw their meager belongings into a garbage bag and drive them what they consider to be a safe distance from the org and they stop and open the door and tell them to get out. And I’m not joking.”

June 5: “I almost got castrated by an emu when I was a teenager.”

June 6: “Scientologists, like vaLLarrr for example, have told me that it doesn’t matter if LRH was nuts or a criminal, and they love to use Issac Newton as an example of someone who was supposedly psychotic and believed in alchemy, but his law of universal gravitation ‘tech’ is observed to be true.”

June 7: “I have mixed feelings about zoos and especially places like Sea World. To me it’s basically imprisonment and enslavement of other life forms. Unfortunately, by the middle of this century they are probably the only place many of these life forms will exist, so there’s the rub.”

June 8: “Tom Cruise is royalty and royalty can’t just marry whoever they like. They have obligations to king and subjects alike.”

June 9: “You need to word clear ‘whole track’ as well as ‘mass hysteria hypnotized role-playing pseudo-religious delusional Stockholm syndrome suffering suckers’.”

June 10: “I think it was John Brousseau who said that he heard C.O.B. demean his father by calling him a ‘theetie-weetie thetan.’ LRH used the term in a lecture, I do believe.”

June 11: “The fact that the mayor couldn’t revoke the license for the Scientologists to erect their circus tent in punishment for their egregious act I find outrageous. The U.S legal system is way too convoluted for my liking.”

June 12: “As long as you’re not a boo-hoo or a grim weeper, you’re all right in my book.”

June 13: “Hubbard was already in the process of killing the golden goose before he croaked.”

June 14: “My dad grew up dirt poor during the Depression and he would eat a jar of pig’s knuckles in one sitting as well as all kinds of other ungodly shit.”

June 15: “Miscavige became emperor through the Hubbard-approved Roman rules of ascension which he achieved by his control of the Praetorian guard of the Sea Org, the CMO. Once becoming Caesar how could he smash his name into the history books of his hermit kingdom? He can’t add to the ‘tech’ so all that is left for him to do is BUILD BUILD BUILD. It’s all about the ruinous runt’s ego.”

June 16: “There are no theologians in Scientology. No one is allowed to interpret or tell a student what they think L. Ron Hubbard meant.”


June 17: “People bandy about the term ‘Satanist’ in relation to L. Ron Hubbard somewhat disingenuously. Aleister Crowley didn’t consider himself a ‘Satanist’ and Hubbard was a dilettante poseur playing at what he perceived to be ‘Satanism.’ A goodly portion of the Internet sites I’ve encountered in my readings and ‘research’ in the last five or so years that try to paint LRH as a some kind of serious Satanist have been Born-Again Christian sites, so they definitely have an agenda. Hubbard was about as much of a ‘real’ Satanist as Anton LaVey was. It was all part of the geek show for the rubes.”

June 18: “So Kim shoots the ex-girlfriend and her entire performing ensemble and makes the families watch, and then sends them to labor camps. I bet C.O.B. pleasures himself fantasizing he had that kind of power.”

June 19: “I’ve seen Oz promote homeopathy, naturopathy, chiropractic, acupuncture, and herbal voodoo on his program. He’s Dr Woo-Woo.”

June 20: “I wish you would comment more often.”

June 21: “You cannot detox addicts NON-MEDICALLY. It is INSANE, SADISTIC, and DANGEROUS.”

June 22: “The putrefaction shakedown is a more accurate name for it.”

June 23: “I have never advocated for violence or vandalism against the cult for the obvious reason it would turn them into martyrs.”

June 24: “An ice cold martini sure sounds better than lukewarm vodka and lemonade”

June 25: “I understand where you’re coming from, but the bottom line is that Scientology is a con, and conning people is illegal regardless of whether the victims are dupes and suckers.”

June 26: “You’re the bees knees, i-Betty. You’re the one.”

June 27: “You ever get up in front of 6,000 people who want to murder your ass until you prove you’re worthy of their adulation and they are spitting and throwing bottles and everything else they can lay their hands on? Because I have on numerous occasions.”

June 28: “Two eggs over easy, hash browns, and either two Italian sausage or four bangers and dark rye toast. Thanks. Oh, and a double tequila sunrise in a pint glass.”

June 29: “Tommy must shudder whenever he hears Leah’s name and he imagines what D.M. would be doing to him, if he could, considering his ‘you don’t have the fucking rank’ was a major catalyst in her defection.”

June 30: “Scientology is in the same category as Christian Science and the Jehovah’s Witnesses as far as being a ‘spiritual’ practice that has caused the deaths of its adherents in the past through the denial of legitimate medical treatment. These crimes need to be stopped.”

July 1: “People get distracted by the crazy convolutedness of the ‘Tech.’ At its core Scientology is simply a con game, a ‘long con.’ Hubbard just kept adding to his ‘Winchester Mystery House’ as he went along hoping the marks wouldn’t catch on. Unfortunately for D.M., Hubbard didn’t leave him much in the way of building materials.”

July 2: “OT 2 is where the bait and switch part of the long con kicks in. It switches from a pseudo Freudian-Jungian neo Buddhist self help scam to full blown Buck Rogers and Ming the Merciless malarkey. At this point Hubbard is softening up the marks for the big reveal that comes at OT 3.”

July 3: “Can any Scientologist point specifically as to how Scientology or Dianetics has improved world conditions in its 60 years?”

July 4: “There aren’t enough Scientologists left in the world to fill a sports arena, let alone a stadium.”

July 5: “It’s 10:30 and I’m enjoying a fine bottle of rot gut vodka so I’m in no mood for deciphering new Scientology acronyms.”

July 6: “I went ‘exterior’ after I’d been up for four days on meth. I’m sure that was a genuine paranormal experience.”

July 7: “Hubbard said that Mohammed was a hustler and a ‘small town booster’ and that the ‘Black Stone’ was a piece of the R6 implant.”

July 8: “Why does any henchman remain loyal to a corrupt leader? It’s because they are reaping some of the rewards also, whether it be money or power, or in Mary Sue’s case, both.”

July 9: “Scientology….the Renaissance Faire meets the ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’.”

July 10: “Hubbard said that all science fiction was based on whole track incidents that the authors were subconsciously remembering.”

July 11: “In Hubbard’s own words the Church of Scientology is an anti-democratic organization whose stated goal is world domination. The German government has deemed Scientology a totalitarian orientated group and has decided that Scientologists are ineligible to hold certain government jobs. I believe this is a very wise decision on their part.”

July 12: “The first time I heard about the ‘overt motivator sequence’ was when the Carmen Rainer outrage occurred and vaLLarrr was defending Jan Eastgate for telling a 10-year-old girl it was her fault that her stepfather molested her. I asked vaLLarrr, ‘So it was her karma?’ and vaLLarrr said it was something different than karma. The resident ex-Scientologist explained the overt motivator sequence to me and my head exploded.”

July 13: “Scientologists believe that the Narconon treatment can cure you of alcoholism and once completed you can drink in safety again. In fact from what I’ve read they sometimes make you drink before you leave to prove this.”

July 14: “If the ‘tech’ is perfect, how did all these SP’s slip through into the upper echelons of Scientology management in the first place?”

July 15: “Scientology is ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ meets ‘Ancient Aliens’.”

July 16: “If the government simply enforced the already existing laws we wouldn’t even be here.”

July 17: “When you get to the end of OT 8 he tells you that everything up until then was a BIG WHOOPS. Sorry kids, I had it wrong all along, but now I’m on the right road to total freedom. Wheeeeeeee!”

July 18: “I use Hubbardese all the time IRL because it’s fun.”

July 19: “I’m a watching a movie and I saw on IMDB that one of the actors was named ‘Mapother’ and sure enough he’s Middletooth’s cousin and he’s been in tons of stuff and he’s a better actor than Tom. Who knew?”

July 20: “Seeing as how Louanne and vaLLarrr are dead in the head, that makes you the last Internet canary clam in the coal mine, Marco. How’s the 2-pack-a-day anti-cancer therapy working out?”

July 21: “He’s found the right balance between non-sequitur sesquipedalian punster and heartfelt commenting.”

July 22: “My opinion is that the ‘true believer’ type personality is as much, if not more, the reason why some people end up in cults, than the ‘mind control’ explanation.”

July 23: “L. Ron Hubbard is dead but that didn’t stop lawyers for Monique from introducing his works as evidence in a court of law. There is a paper trail for Joseph Smith leading back to the early 1800’s also. Evidence clearly demonstrates that L. Ron Hubbard and Joseph Smith were con men. Smith was a convicted con man. The Abrahamic religions are obviously too old for this.”

July 24: “Just like with Esmeralda the Gypsy fortune teller proclaiming that her powers won’t work if non-believers are present, the same cautions exist within Scientology, as well as the rule that demonstrating OT powers to those on a lower gradient is an out-tech high crime. Ron knew the tricks on the spiritual bunco trade.”

July 25: “I prefer to think of D.M. as Theon Greyjoy.”

July 26: “Jan Eastgate is the Myra Hindley of scientology. She looks just like her.”

July 27: “The regs do all the fluffing in Scientology, but there are no happy endings. It’s all a tease.”

July 28: “Someone please find the e-mail they sent out telling the clams how to go to the dentist and get their gold fillings extracted for cash to donate. That is the ultimate example of what Scientology really is for me.”

July 29: “I want a cheap E-meter so I can sec-check my cats and I can get to the bottom of mysteries like, why do you chew on plastic bags? Why do you eat your own hair? Why do you refuse to help me do the dishes?”

July 30: “The trigger for the OT 8 cognition is the line ‘the Pilot says: I’m mocking this up.’ The desired End Phenomena is ‘Now that I know what I am not, I am ready to find out what I am’.”

July 31: “Hubbard should have just cut to the chase and told the clams that he had discovered that all money was infested with body thetans and that they needed to bring their filthy lucre in to Flag to be audited. He could have called it ‘The Wallet of Fire’.”

Aug 1: “Go to the Icke message board and search ‘Scientology.’ They think the Church of Scientology is either part of the NWO/Illuminati/Reptilian conspiracy or that the Scientologists are crazy. Ha!”

Aug 2: “Massholio is 4 months of winter wasteland followed by a month of sumptuous spring followed by four months of hellish heat and humidity followed by two and half months of fabulous fall weather. There’s definitely room for improvement, Sherb.”

Aug 3: “Hubbard went after anyone like a honey badger who tried to make one thin dime off of his con. If he remotely suspected you had plagiarized his plagiarizing he would declare you and sic the GO/OSA on your ass. He did this to the crazy couple who started the the Process Church and he also notoriously went after Werner Erhard, the conman who created EST. Erhard claimed that LRH had put out a contract on him.”

Aug 4: “He needs to do a comeback flick, something full of pathos that will tug at people’s heartstrings like ‘Fresh Prince: Down and Out In Bel Air’.”

Aug 5: “One man’s moonbat is another man’s freedom fighter. Winning is the only thing that truly matters.”

Aug 6: “What kinda nut would think you could listen to Martians on an E-meter? Any sane person knows the only way you could listen to Martians is when you’re at the implant station on Mars, sheesh.”

Aug 7: “My IP was blocked from the Washington Times comments because I kept bringing up the Rev. Moon connection so I started using Tor, then they started using an app that could tell you were using a proxy. Cults SUCK.”

Aug 8: “According to Hubbard the average Black South African thought Apartheid was too lenient.”

Aug 9: “The ultimate goal of becoming an Operating Thetan is that you would no longer need a MEST body and you could return to being an all powerful, immortal non-corporeal being. OT 8 is actually the first ‘real’ Operating Thetan level. Hubbard croaked, so everybody’s screwed. Thetans are immortal. Mesty meat bodies, no.”

Aug 10: “People spend years, decades, stuck on OT 7. It drives them insane, like George Baillie or poor Biggi Reichert.”

Aug 11: “Back in my punk days I would donate plasma twice a week for $20 a pop. It helped keep me in pizza.”

Aug 12: “Refusal to accept one’s own mortality and a belief by humans that they are something more than just another species of animal is what drives this insanity.”

Aug 13: “I shook Jim Jones’ hand in the free eats line at Glide Memorial (he was serving) and I also met a man named Fred Lewis who was a friend of my dad’s. Fred lost 28 family members at Jonestown.”

Aug 14: “I believe that Miscavige is as much into it for the sadism as he is for the money. He’s a little man who hates the world and wants revenge on those who snickered behind his back and called him ‘asthmatic dwarf.’ He’ll stick around as long as he has a few punching bags left.”

Aug 15: “Oops, sounds like Marty had what they call in A.A. a ‘slip.’ Hopefully it doesn’t turn into a full blown relapse.”

Aug 16: “That’s it, I’m joining Scientology tomorrow.”

Aug 17: “Hubbardese was definitely inspired by ‘Newspeak,’ in my opinion. All cults engage in it to some degree.”

Aug 18: “Not only are there numerous loopholes allowing dangerous cults to operate freely, there are numerous loopholes allowing idiots to buy wild, endangered animals. A portion of these animals end up at canned hunting operations in Dumbfuckistan where they are gunned down by Dick Cheney and evil fucks of that ilk. It’s gotta stop.”

Aug 19: “I know of two people who left the Jehovah’s Witnesses and joined Scientology. You might be surprised at the amount of cult cross-pollination that goes on. There is a certain ‘follower’ personality type in this world.”

Aug 20: “You come on here with a bunch of fantastical yarns that sound like one big cliched Scientology horror story, offering no proof for any of it, and you expect something other than derision?”

Aug 21: “It was speed which was readily available back in his day. When Hubbard talks about ‘Pinks & Grays’ he’s most likely talking about Dexedrine and Phenobarbital or Librium.”

Aug 22: “You should have seen me on stage. I could move, baby!”

Aug 23: “Scientology is like doing acid minus the fun.”

Aug 24: “I’m the Dennis Hopper of the ‘Down with Scientology’ club.”

Aug 25: “At first I thought you were funnin’ me but I hearsayed it and you’re right.”

Aug 26: “Hubbard was making the whole thing up as he went along, and the ‘tech’ is nothing but mumbo jumbo. Until these people realize that LRH was the flim flam man, they will never be truly free.”

Aug 27: “The Church of Scientology is as wrong as the Kims in North Korea. Some things just need to be stopped, you don’t even have to think about it, you feel it in your gut. I remember my father telling me about how my grandfather signed up to join the Lincoln Brigade to go fight Franco. I didn’t understand at first, but later I did.”

Aug 28: “Hezbollah, Hamas, Black Panthers, IRA, and Hells Angels have all done more charity work than the Church of Scientology ever has or will.”

Aug 29: “After the horrorshow called Jonestown and the government-led debacle at Waco, no one has to wonder at the government’s reluctance to revisit Cultland. The only reason they got involved with FLDS was because of the rampant pedophilia. And even with that righteous justification, the Feds got all kinds of shit from the religious right wing in this country.”

Aug 30: “Mooser, I wish you would stop telling people to set their activity to private. It’s important to be able to read the previous comments to figure out if they’re some nutjob troll or a real Scientologist, for example.”

Aug 31: “The reason I started watching Game of Thrones is because I thought it was going to be the Deadwood of medieval shows and show how dirty and brutal the times actually were like Deadwood did and there wouldn’t be a whole lot of Lord of the Rings type shit. Which aside from the white walkers and the dragons there really wasn’t. But I’m starting to notice more plausibility gaps and irrational character motivation.”

Sep 1: “It’s too bad Russell Crowe didn’t become a full-time Scientologist. He would have been the ultimate batshit crazy Scieno. He would have made Cruise look like Mr. Rogers.”

Sep 2: “There’s all kinds of space opera before you get to OT III that can be found in ‘Have You Lived Before This Life?’ and ‘A History of Man’ etc. Ribisi is adhering to the code of Space Omertà.”

Sep 3: “Owls get spontaneous spasmodic upvotes from me, always.”

Sep 4: “You should watch me play Jeopardy when I’m properly medicated.”

Sep 5: “Dictators don’t like picking successors. It makes them nervous knowing there’s an official next guy. If DM croaks it will be just like when LRH croaked. He who dares, wins.”

Sep 6: “The church that never forgives and never forgets. The Scientologists always pay their debts.”

Sep 7: “YouTube routinely takes down videos after DMCA complaints without any sort of review, especially if the complaint comes from a paying customer.”

Sep 8: “The conspiracy cult is way scarier and more dangerous than any religious cult. The country is on the verge of a civil war thanks to these cynical manipulators and their feeble-minded, heavily-armed adherents. Alex Jones and the rest should be deported for insurrection.”

Sep 9: “After my dad’s POS father had abandoned him and my grandma in a one-room shack in the Arizona desert, and my dad, grandma, and his two sisters ended up in Northern California, I guess my grandfather ended up being one of the biggest contractors in the Tempe/Phoenix area. When he died he was worth millions and my dad and his two sisters never saw a dime. His new wife was a Mormon and all the money went to her and the cult.”

Sep 10: “After all these years a Scientologist is trying to dox me? I gave vaLLarrr more than enough clues to dox me but OSA was too incompetent to pick up on it. Actually it’s probably just Flunk looking for revenge.”

Sep 11: “You would think a Scientology connection would be enough to kill any political campaign if it was really played up in the media.”

Sep 12: “The trick for recognizing an Aussie accent is that they always sound like they’re asking a question.”

Sep 13: “It seems to me that narconon preys on folks out in the hinterland and down south where detoxes are few and far between and the people are less up on this kind of stuff.”

Sep 14: “A question that has crossed my mind in the past is, if someone cynically creates a religion/spiritual movement for their own personal gain, but its followers truly believe in it, does one negate the other?”

Sep 15: “Jeez, does everybody around here have a sock except me?”

Sep 16: “Their only real motivation is to eliminate the competition. All the humanitarian shit is window dressing.”

Sep 17: “I’ve always wanted a goat. A small place in the country with a goat, a couple of pigs, some chickens, a duck or two and of course the usual cats and dogs..oh, and a semi-tamed crow or raven.”

Sep 18: “One of the few things I agree with the Scientologists on is that the whole Vistaril thing is weak. Vistaril, a/k/a hydroxyzine, is one theetie-wheetie drug. You need to take a whole bottle of this shit to even remotely get a buzz. Vistaril has never been considered a true psych drug. I know it is an antihistamine, anti itching agent. That’s how I first encountered it. The point is that us trying to say it’s a psych dug like Valium is absurd.”

Sep 19: “I always wanted to start my own cult even more than I ever wanted to be a rock star. I’m going to go watch some gun videos and start winding down. Goodnight Sherb, get some sleep.”

Sep 20: “Seeing as how there’s no objective reality in Scientology, everything is a game. The Thetans created the MEST universe so they could have a playground to play in.”

Sep 21: “I wish that the OSA or their private dickheads would show up were I live because I live in the toughest building on the toughest street in my city. The cops are afraid to come in here. Also, I am much beloved by the denizens.”

Sep 22: “Scilon is a play on ‘Cylons,’ the robotic invaders in Battlestar Galactica. It is particularly appropriate because Hubbard was a science fiction writer, and the top-seekrit ‘OT levels’ are based on the belief that we are infected with ‘body thetans,’ the confused, immortal souls of space aliens who became disoriented 75 million years ago when the evil space warlord Xenu brought them to Earth (or Teegeeack, as it was known then), dropped them into volcanoes and blew them up with nuclear weapons. ‘The Scilons tried to talk me into taking a Free Personality Test.’”

Sep 23: “How many Scientologists are left in the world who would stand up and say ‘I’m proud to be a Scientologist!’”

Sep 24: “Yesterday you were merely irritating. Today you’ve placed yourself on the menu.”

Sep 25: “I’m guessing the Urban Land Institute isn’t aware they’re dealing with a posse of lunatics.”

Sep 26: “Vallarrr use to blather on about how if someone had an irrational fear of spiders and they did some auditing and that fear was gone that was proof of auditing working.”

Sep 27: “If you leave or get kicked out they have a big ray gun device called the Hubbard Engram Re-Stimulator that can locate you anywhere on the planet and zap you with a beam that re-implants all the charge you blew.”

Sep 28: “Human rights education brought to you by slave labor and the church of ironictology.”

Sep 29: “More people are killed by domestic pigs around the world annually than are killed by sharks.”

Sep 30: “I realized this maybe six years ago when I first read about TR-Alice. I was gobsmacked at how obvious it was. I’ve read numerous examples of Hubbard having a laugh at his followers’ expense since then.”

Oct 1: “The only place D.M. is taking his ass if the seat gets too hot is to Tahiti or the Russian Riviera. He’s a gangster, not a fanatic.”

Oct 2: “I’ve been in a ‘Is that all there is to Scientology?’ mood lately. It comes with the territory.”

Oct 3: “I was just watching a documentary about ISIS, and they put out a monthly magazine and annual report (400 pages long) that is way more slick and professional than anything I’ve seen by the unchurch of Lientology. Even the crazy jihadis have their act more together than Scientology.”

Oct 4: “J&D is hard. Anybody can write something serious and emotional and get all the upvotes. We comedians are the true artistes.”

Oct 5: “It will take a Snowball of Theta to save the planet from the Hairball of Entheta that is growing bigger in Basement Cat’s belly by the day.”

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