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RANDOM HOWDY: Your daily dose of the Captain

 
Starting on October 6, 2019, we began a new daily feature here in the Bunker, quoting randomly from the amazing collection of wisdom from commenter Steve Cox, a/k/a “Captain Howdy,” who died in 2015 and whom our annual HowdyCon gathering is named after. Here’s the collection of Howdy’s utterances we’ve posted so far…

Oct 6: “Man, my groovy shark vid got no votes, but my simple-minded off-the-cuff remark got top vote. You people are weird.”

Oct 7: “I had a dream I was L. Ron Hubbard and I was wearing a cape, sitting on a throne, with a bevy of teenage beauties sitting at my feet.”

Oct 8: “Not all of us are rich enough to afford cable and some of us think it’s a wasteland.”

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Oct 9: “This place is nuts, but not half as nuts as YouTube. It’s just a little bit more serious and astute and friendly.”

Oct 10: “I lived through 70’s Punk, early 80’s hardcore, late 80’s alternative, and whatever passed for a scene in the first half of the 90’s, and most of my friends from those time periods are dead. But at least they had some really good times before their number came up. I don’t think Scientologists can say the same.”

Oct 11: “Man-animals, come out of your caves. The Psychlos have deserted the planet. We have won!”

Oct 12: “I had really bad nightmares when I was young — one was a nightly reoccurring one that lasted almost a year and almost drove me insane. Something about HR Pufnstuf reminds me of those dreams. My dream would start soon as I laid down because in the dream I was still awake lying in my bed. All of the sudden reptilian hands would shoot up from underneath the end of the bed and grab my legs and pull me underneath the bed dragging me at breakneck speed down a hellish tunnel where creatures were living in the walls to meet my arch nemesis King Frog and his henchman Baby Huey. They would torture me for hours laughing and mocking me.”

Oct 13: “I’m not here to change anybody’s mind. I’m a soldier.”

Oct 14: “So my mom being constipated and my dad poking me in the eye with his dick is the reason my life is shit? Thanks Ron, I knew it was their fault somehow, but I thought it had something to do with bad genes.”

Oct 15: “Scientology may be circling the drain but there’s no shortage of crazy waiting in the wings. It’s going to be a long uphill battle to get to the top and stop the billions of minds waiting in line to go down that slippery slope called ‘magical thinking’.”

Oct 16: “The only sexual magick Crowley had came from an opium pipe or a syringe loaded with smack that let him keep it up all night. In street parlance it’s called ‘dope dick’.”

Oct 17: “I’m still amazed considering the subject of this forum when I read folks wondering about the efficacy of homeopathy, naturopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic medicine etc. People, assume everything’s a scam or magical thinking and work it back from there.”

Oct 18: “I asked vaLLarrr the Sci troll one time if any new OT levels were released, and they didn’t include Hubbard’s handwriting on some level, would s/he consider them genuine and s/he said ‘no’.”

Oct 19: “A day without Kirstie is like a day without donuts.”

Oct 20: “Hubbard was like 12 when he was in Asia. The only thing he was studying was jerking off.”

Oct 21: “Do you really think a guy who texts ‘YSCOHB’ to people has the self awareness to realize that Kirstie is making his business look bad?”

Oct 22: “So when your certificates get canceled, whose job is it to track down all those engrams and body thetans and tell them they need to re-implant and re-attach themselves?”

Oct 23: “When they landed on the Moon, the adults in my neighborhood were crying. I couldn’t understand it at the time.”

Oct 24: “The statistical fact that the vast majority of people who tried Scientology walked away from it almost immediately belies this idea that it’s a world class predatory system. A five percent success rate at hooking sucker fish is not impressive.”

Oct 25: “I’ll have you know I read each and every comment very carefully and that there are a myriad of reasons for why I may upvote them…or not.”

Oct 26: “Seeing as how the Church of Scientology has publicly stated that they are not a turn-the-other-cheek religion, how is any of this a shock to anyone?”

Oct 27: “Maybe you mocked up another version of yourself in a blackout and forgot about it. Ask Marty, it probably has something to do with Quantum Buddhism(c).”

Oct 28: “Being an old school punk/junkie I wish I had a buck for every bad thing I’ve ever heard said, written or depicted about people of my ‘ilk.’ Never mind all the verbal and physical assaults me and my friends had to endure back in the day from the supposedly ‘normal’ people. It goes with the territory called ‘freak.’ Get use to it. Wear it as a badge of experience.”

Oct 29: “You kids need to look around before you start posting comments willy-nilly.”

Oct 30: “When people say they got some good out of Scientology, I think to myself, ‘Yeah, telling your problems, fantasies or opinions to anybody, including hookers and homeless people, makes everybody feel better…derp!.’ This blog is my ‘auditing’.”

Oct 31: “As Claire pointed out, the whole ‘What is true for you is what you have observed yourself’ is a circular logic conundrum. It should be ‘If something isn’t true for you it’s because you have a M/U.’ I recall reading a paper by Touretzky or Kent that explained how the ‘misunderstood word’ is what everything else in Scientology revolves around. It is the key.”

Nov 1: “If Hubbard hadn’t created Scientology, no one would even remember him.”

Nov 2: “Miscavige became Emperor through the Hubbard-approved Roman rules of ascension, which he achieved by his control of the Praetorian guard of the Sea Org, the CMO. Once becoming Caesar, how could he smash his name into the history books of his hermit kingdom? He can’t add to the ‘tech’ so all that is left for him to do is BUILD BUILD BUILD. It’s all about the ruinous runt’s ego.”

Nov 3: “Opus Dei wields more political influence around the world than the Church of Scientology could ever dream of.”

Nov 4: “The way things are going evidence-wise and if DM is required to appear in court, I think Monique could demand an 8-figure deal without an NDA, without any contention.”

Nov 5: “Goodnight everyone and get your rest because tomorrow we travel further up the McSavage River into the Heart Of Darkness.”

Nov 6: “I understand where you’re coming from but the bottom line is that Scientology is a con and conning people is illegal, regardless of whether the victims are dupes and suckers.”

Nov 7: “I’m still nursing injuries from slam dancing.”

Nov 8: “Monsanto made everybody fat, TV made everybody stupid, and the Internet made everybody crazy.”

Nov 9: “How long did it take for the Shakers to cease to exist? As far as I’m concerned that’s the basic scenario we’re looking at here. The feds aren’t going to do anything about Scientology ever and there’s not going to be any Jonestown event (thank gawd) so what does that leave except a fade out to non-existence?”

Nov 10: “Past life Scientologists have to do the Basics all over again just like everybody else. Fair is fair, ya know?”

Nov 11: “Sunny is definitely Bunker Hall of Fame material after this. As long as she doesn’t get caught doing ‘roids or shooting an associate down the road from her house, she’s a first ballot shoo-in.”

Nov 12: “I’m bemused that ex-Scientologists still actively engage in magical thinking, not realizing that the number one reason that they got sucked into Scientology in the first place is because they were already engaged in magical thinking through a belief and interest in the supernatural and the paranormal which had already placed them on the slippery slope to cult hell.”

Nov 13: “Shit, I was under the gun for suggesting there were mucho socks on board…which was later proven to be true thanks to help from Robert, StillGrace and Andrew…and I was a big meanie for ragging on the noobs for over-commenting…and then I had the audacity to merely hint that the beloved Knickers was anything less than the Virgin Mary. I wasn’t saying shit to anyone at that point.”

Nov 14: “Hubbard had it wrong from the very beginning. Man is an animal and nothing more. Detachment from the material world is one of the main reasons humanity is destroying the material world. Spiritualism is our get out of jail free card.”

Nov 15: “Those who still believe in the tech will say that they ‘know’ that it works from personal experience and that science hasn’t caught up to LRH yet. vaLLarrr used to ask us if we thought we loved our mothers or if we knew we loved our mothers in her attempts to defend the tech as being empirically provable. It’s all self delusional mind games they’re playing with themselves.”

Nov 16: “My wife used to say the reason I was a such a morbid negative weirdo was because of all the horrible stories my dad use to tell me about Korea and WWII and all the other mondo cane shit he saw during his time in the merchant marines. I think she may have been right.”

Nov 17: “Scientology came into existence in the 50s, which saw the advent of the beatniks and new ageism followed by the hippies and a rampant world wide interest in the supernatural, occult, and paranormal. It’s fitting to me that Scientology peaked in the 80s with the rise of the yuppie.”

Nov 18: “Scientologists spend decades on staff and in the Sea Org and never come close to reaching Clear. The number one stated goal of Scientology is to ‘clear the planet’ i.e convert everyone to Scientology either by taking their money or making them indentured servants. Staff and S.O are told not to worry about course work, they can do that in their next lifetimes. The bottom line in Scientology is UPSTAT vs DOWNSTAT. Everything else is window dressing.”

Nov 19: “A Scientology divorce is simply postulating and as-ising that wife #2 never existed.”

Nov 20: “I worked off and on in the restaurant/hotel industry for years. When the kitchen got slammed i.e busy, pretty soon tempers would flare and everybody would be cursing one another left and right (sometimes it turned to mild violence). Cooks attacking servers, they in turn attacking the busboys who would in turn attack the dishwashers. When it was over everybody would go to the bar, get loaded and try to have sex with each other forgetting the previous transgressions. Words spoken in the heat of the moment mean nothing.”

Nov 21: “It’s not a question of whether the Church of Scientology has ever been capable of world domination, obviously that’s absurd. It’s that Hubbard’s writings state this as his goal which lays the groundwork for banning Scientology and similar organizations by governments around the world, justifiably so, in my opinion. If you’re going to talk shit, don’t cry foul when people make you choke on it.”

Nov 22: “When I first read about the solo auditing I remember thinking, ‘This is genius! Hubbard has these dupes so bamboozled he’s got them ripping themselves off.’ The most expensive part of the Bridge and you’re conning yourself. How would that hold up in court on a fraud charge?”

Nov 23: “All along the Bridge, in the lectures mainly, LRH drops all sorts of clues, inferences, asides that the whole thing was a game and that there was an inside joke. Unfortunately a certain percentage of the faithful failed to pick up on this.”

Nov 24: “My take on it is that Hubbard created Dianetics as a ‘short con’ and when it took off on a level he didn’t expect and when everyone by the early 60’s had reached ‘Clear’ and the gravy train started to slow down he created the ‘long con’ of the OT levels. The $64,000 question is whether due to mental illness and perhaps drug use did he start to believe in his own bullshit? When he says at the end of OTVIII ‘now that you know what you aren’t are you ready to find out what you really are?’ I see this as phase 2 of the long con. Hubbard is saying ‘Hey, guess what kids, I took a detour and I was on the wrong road but now I’m on the right one, so lets go.’ The bottom line and perhaps unanswerable question is how much was calculated and how much was crazy.”

Nov 25: “I’ve always wanted to move to Australia. I could hang out at the pub all day with Nick Cave and the Cosmic Psychos, get a dingo, collect funnel web spiders and tiger snakes and swim with white pointers and salties. Send me a ticket and a few thousand dollars to tie up lose ends and I’ll be right over.”

Nov 26: “Third party law was specifically created by Hubbard to handle mothers-in-law.”

Nov 27: “In ‘Road To Xenu’ Margery Wakefield recounts sitting around in the Sea Org cafeteria watching Star Trek and they were laughing because the wogs didn’t realize that the stuff on the screen was the writer’s suppressed whole track memories. Hubbard said somewhere that science fiction, if not all fiction, was whole track memories unbeknownst to its authors.”

Nov 28: “Every Thanksgiving my Dad would get in a bad mood and start saying stuff like the Native Americans should have slaughtered the pilgrims as soon as they landed.”

Nov 29: “Scientology is a racist philosophy. It’s anti homo sapiens.”

Nov 30: “Professors Kent and Touretzky are the go-to guys in the academic study of Scientology and cults in general.”

Dec 1: “I’m putting out a shoop challenge. I’m envisioning a shoop of LRH with a doll of Miscavige sitting on his lap and Tiny Cancer has a Tom Cruise doll sitting on his lap. The prize to the winner is a chicken dinner or a quadrillion Howdy bucks.”

Dec 2: “I’m an old punk who never had much time for hippies, but in retrospect I gotta admit they accomplished more than we punks did. We just had better fashion and got the music back to where it should be. I don’t know, but it always seems that after a certain point in any movement that the soldiers outlive their usefulness and the diplomats always take over.”

Dec 3: “The really scary thing to me about Carla Moxon is that there are literally millions of others like her in this world that are seriously mentally deluded due to magical thinking and they are among us doing jobs that could cause the rest of us harm if they just go off a tad too much at the wrong time. Anybody keeping track of all the problems going on with members of the ICBM defense system? And that’s not even due to magical thinking.”

Dec 4: “David Miscavige is the Sarah Winchester of cult leaders. He just keeps building and building, trying to keep the ghosts of his and Hubbard’s victims at bay.”

Dec 5: “I remember like 2009 thinking we were kicking ass on Scientology on YouTube and the whole cult/magical thinking in general…and then I discovered David Icke, and I remember thinking ‘What’s the use?’ Knock one down and another takes its place.”

Dec 6: “Posting any old Scientology video isn’t automatically relevant. It should relate to the subject of the day’s article.”

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