Here’s the 2022 Scientology Super Bowl ad, this year’s ‘mystery sandwich’

 
Right at midnight on February 13, the day that the Super Bowl will take place, Scientology revealed its ad for the big game this year. And once again, it’s a mystery sandwich.

In a 1990s court case, Hana Whitfield testified that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had said in her presence, “To keep a person on the Scientology path, feed him a mystery sandwich.”

That’s exactly what Scientology’s Super Bowl ads are all about. You won’t learn a thing about what actually happens in a Scientology church, but you will get your inner pilgrim pandered to, grasshopper.

Since 2013, the church has bought local ad spots during the big game to show its slick ads. People in some markets see the ad during the long pre-game show and during the game itself, usually right after halftime and as the third quarter is about to begin. But it has appeared in other spots as well.

Here’s this year’s entry, titled ‘We are giants.’ This is a 1.5-minute version, but what actually airs during the game will be 30 seconds or less…

NARRATOR: Deep down you know.
You’re not defeated.
You’re not weak.
You’re not too old
or too young
or too small.
Deep down
you know
the truth.
That you are a giant
tied down with string…

Advertisement

…and at any moment,
you can rise.
The only question
is how.

 
It’s the same narrator as ever, the same look, the same word salad that adds up to nothing.

And it never fails. Each year, we see viewers go completely nuts over the idea that Scientology has paid to run a short pitch on their TV screens.

Speaking of going nuts. No reaction to a Scientology Super Bowl ad was more attention-getting than Mr. Peanut’s classic Twitter take three years ago…

 
Anyway, we expect a lot more incredulity tonight. You’d think people would be used to it by now. Nine years ago, for 2013’s Super Bowl, Scientology advertised during the game for the first time. Why then? Well, we agreed with Mike Rinder that it was probably a direct result of Debbie Cook asking, in court testimony in 2012, about the money that Scientologists were supposedly paying for publicity campaigns.

Cook was a top former church official and the questions she raised in a famous New Year’s 2012 email led directly to a large exodus of people leaving the church — and no doubt made Miscavige sit up and take notice. She seemed to have a good point: Scientologists are under intense pressure to fork over huge amounts of money that they are told will be used to “disseminate” Scientology to the larger public. But what did they have to show for it? Where were the TV ads or other means of getting the word out? Only a few months after Cook made that complaint, Scientology aired its first ever Super Bowl ad.

And fortunately for us, the result was eight more years of hilariously earnest TV ads that resulted in endless mocking on social media each year.

Again, for the press who makes this mistake every year, this is not a national ad spot that, this year, costs advertisers $6.5 million for a 30-second commercial. Scientology instead buys local advertising spots in select markets during the game. One expert told us they figure it costs the church about $1 million to do it that way. As usual, we’ll be watching Twitter to see where the ad shows if there is one this year.

In case you’ve missed them, here are the ads for the previous Super Bowls…

2013’s ad, “Knowledge”…

 
2014’s ad, “Scientology Spiritual Technology”…

 
2016’s ad, “Who Am I”…

 
2017’s ad, “Your Full Potential”…

 
2018’s ad, “Curious?”…

 
2019’s ad, “Curiosity”…

 
2020’s ad, “It’s Time To Rediscover The Human Soul”

 
2021’s ad, “Be More”

Bonus items from our tipsters

And just in case you had forgotten who they’re trying to rope in with their Super Bowl advertising…

 
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Source Code

“One girl had married a man named Tom. She was very dissatisfied with Tom. She very much liked a fellow named George. She separated from Tom and married George. We took her into her past and found that her mother was married to a man named George and was very much afraid that George would leave her. All this was in the poor girl’s engrams. They told her she had to love George and stay with George. There was a person in the case named Tom whom her mother detested. This girl had been in love with about twenty-three men, all named George. This was a reactive mind marriage.” — L. Ron Hubbard, February 13, 1951

Avast, Ye Mateys

“What one gets Comm Eved for is in the P/Ls, FOs, FSOs, CBOs and HCOBs. You can’t be Comm Eved for failing to follow an illegal order. You sure can be for departing from policy issues. Orders don’t equal orders equal orders. That’s the road to disaster. Some orders are senior to others. A dock worker telling you to put on your jacket is not the same as your division head telling you to do so. You have policy to keep things straight. If policy doesn’t cover, request clarification. If you are doing something other than your hat, sooner or later it will catch up to you. I count on you to wear your hat as laid down by P/Ls, FOs, CBOs, FSOs and HCOBs. Don’t let me down.” — The Commodore (1971)

 
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Overheard in the FreeZone

“I am an OT and irregardless of life’s circumstances I cannot be broken. Changing the world? Well that’s another thing. One OT has already proven it can be done. Look at LRH. Or even look at Sadhguru. Both are OTs and LRH was Guatama Siddhartha, the founder of Buddhism, and Sadghuru was vida, the founder of mysticism. Look what both of those OTs have done in their times alone as OTs. Millions of people are going Clear. Thousands of OTs are being born. Have faith in yourself and have faith in humanity and you will succeed. Look at all things in life. Be there comfortably. And look don’t believe.”

 
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Past is Prologue

2001: The San Francisco Chronicle published an article on Astra Woodcraft and her experiences in Scientology “Astra Woodcraft, apostate and defector, is the latest enemy of the Church of Scientology. Woodcraft, 22, never really joined this controversial psycho-spiritual movement, at least not as a free-thinking adult. Astra was born into it. Recruited at age 14 into the movement’s elite ‘Sea Organization,’ Woodcraft describes a brave new world of authoritarianism, greed and spiritual manipulation. Two generations of her family have been torn apart by Scientology. Holding her 2-year-old daughter, Kate, in her arms, Woodcraft vows that there will be no fourth generation in her clan. ‘I don’t want her to have any connection to Scientology,’ said Woodcraft. All cults have problems with apostates, insiders who leave the fold and denounce their former faith. But the Church of Scientology plays hardball with defectors, investigators and others seen as church enemies. ‘They are very hard on apostates,’ said Gordon Melton, director of the Institute for the Study of American Religion in Santa Barbara and the author of a recent scholarly study on the Church of Scientology.”

 
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Random Howdy

“Scientology was touted as the religion for the space age, but stylistically it’s firmly stuck in the time period of, let’s say, 1950 to the 1980s. In its own way Scientology and its members come across as being every bit as tragically unhip as their Fundamentalist Christian counterparts. Squares from Space.”

 
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Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker

Criminal prosecutions:
— Danny Masterson charged for raping three women: Next pretrial conference May 31. Trial scheduled for August 29.
— ‘Lafayette Ronald Hubbard’ (a/k/a Justin Craig), aggravated assault, plus drug charges: Last hearing was on January 18, referred to grand jury.
— Jay and Jeff Spina, Medicare fraud: Jay sentenced to 9 years in prison. Jeff’s sentencing to be scheduled.
— Hanan and Rizza Islam and other family members, Medi-Cal fraud: Pretrial conference March 25 in Los Angeles
— David Gentile, GPB Capital, fraud: Next pretrial conference set for April 8.
— Joseph ‘Ben’ Barton, Medicare fraud: Pleaded guilty, awaiting sentencing.
— Yanti Mike Greene, Scientology private eye accused of contempt of court: Next hearing February 15.

Civil litigation:
— Luis and Rocio Garcia v. Scientology: Eleventh Circuit affirmed ruling granting Scientology’s motion for arbitration. Garcias considering next move.
— Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’ US Supreme Court denied Valerie’s petition Oct 4.
— Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology and Danny Masterson: Appellate court removes requirement of arbitration on January 19, case remanded back to Superior Court. Scientology has said it will file an anti-SLAPP motion.
— Brian Statler Sr v. City of Inglewood: Third amended complaint filed, trial set for June 28.
— Author Steve Cannane defamation trial: Trial concluded, Cannane victorious, awarded court costs. Appeal hearing held Aug 23-27. Awaiting a ruling.
— Chiropractors Steve Peyroux and Brent Detelich, stem cell fraud: Lawsuit filed by the FTC and state of Georgia in August, now in discovery phase.

 
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THE PROSECUTION OF DANNY MASTERSON

We first broke the news of the LAPD’s investigation of Scientology celebrity Danny Masterson on rape allegations in 2017, and we’ve been covering the story every step of the way since then. At this page we’ve collected our most important links, including our four days in Los Angeles covering the preliminary hearing and its ruling, which has Danny facing trial and the potential sentence of 45 years to life in prison.

SCIENTOLOGY: FAIR GAME

After the success of their double-Emmy-winning, three-season A&E series ‘Scientology and the Aftermath,’ Leah Remini and Mike Rinder continue the conversation on their podcast, ‘Scientology: Fair Game.’ We’ve created a landing page where you can hear all of the episodes so far.

LEAH REMINI: SCIENTOLOGY AND THE AFTERMATH

An episode-by-episode guide to Leah Remini’s three-season, double-Emmy winning series that changed everything for Scientology watching. Originally aired from 2016 to 2019 on the A&E network, and now on Netflix.

SCIENTOLOGY’S CELEBRITIES, from A to Z

Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

 
Other links: SCIENTOLOGY BLACK OPS: Tom Cruise and dirty tricks. Scientology’s Ideal Orgs, from one end of the planet to the other. Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society. Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in a weekly series. How many have you read?

 
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THE WHOLE TRACK

[ONE year ago] Let’s bring one of Scientology’s most notorious bag men out of the shadows
[TWO years ago] Agency that wouldn’t check on Shelly Miscavige makes visit to Underground Bunker commenter
[THREE years ago] ‘Aftermath’ subject Brandon Reisdorf arrested for entering San Diego Scientology church
[FOUR years ago] Evidence, finally, of how Scientology obsessively tracks down its former members
[FIVE years ago] A new document shows how much Scientology obsesses over every member’s status
[SIX years ago] SCIENTOLOGY’S SPACE MAN: As of 2013, active Scientologists fewer than 20,000 worldwide
[SEVEN years ago] Days before crucial hearing, Scientology pulls out a ghost to sway a federal judge
[EIGHT years ago] Scientology video: Some of the best L. Ron Hubbard word salad ever
[NINE years ago] Underground Bunker Reader Gets Declared a Suppressive Person by Scientology
[TEN years ago] Anonymous vs Scientology: Chanology’s Quadrennium in NYC

 
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Posted by Tony Ortega on February 13, 2022 at 07:00

E-mail tips to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We also post updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our new book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is now on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2021 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2021), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Other links: BLOGGING DIANETICS: Reading Scientology’s founding text cover to cover | UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists | GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice | SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts | Shelly Miscavige, 15 years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates, or join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news | Battling Babe-Hounds: Ross Jeffries v. R. Don Steele

 

Tony Ortega at The Daily Beast