Scientologists are convinced that they can rescue the planet from deadly pandemic

 
We often say that what Scientology offers which appeals to the small percentage of people who become involved in it is this: Certainty.

Whatever the uncertainties in your life, Scientology claims that it has tried-and-true answers discovered by founder L. Ron Hubbard, and that any upset in your life can be solved if you just apply Hubbard’s “technology” in the ways he intended.

Well, in the extremely uncertain times we all find ourselves in now, we’re seeing Scientologists fall back on that premise — that they have the answers for any contingency and in fact are better prepared for this emergency than anyone, even as their orgs are mostly closed and, like most everyone else, they are stuck at home waiting out the health crisis.

“It is very real to me that it is the Scientologists that are keeping this whole worldwide situation from being any worse than it is,” said one church member in an evidence-free proclamation to her cohort yesterday. (We have that one for you below.)

But first, we wanted to provide yet more evidence that while many of the “Ideal Orgs” are closed to the public, at the “Advanced Orgs” in Los Angeles and Florida upper level auditing is still going on, and high-paying “Operating Thetan” Scientologists have not gone home.

Here’s one such paying customer in Los Angeles, talking about how she is not about to give up her progress on “The Bridge”…

 
Scientology spokesman Ben Shaw assured the Tampa Bay Times that thorough decontamination protocols are in place at the Flag Land Base in Clearwater, but as reporter Tracey McManus pointed out, that doesn’t really address the issue of human interaction that goes on in Scientology processing…

Scientology has not halted the practices that have parishioners and staff interacting in person. Paid services are one of the primary sources of income for the organization, and the system is kept functioning by the full-time Sea Org.

And even worse, Scientology’s certainty about its own know-how is producing a badly conceived program that involves sending teams into the public to hand out “hygiene kits” door to door.

In the photo at the top of the page, Florida Volunteer Ministers prepare the kits, this time at least wearing gloves and masks. But that wasn’t the case in another series of photos we found, posted by Scientologists in Ontario who boasted that they had handed out 1,800 “Truth About Drugs” packages with the new hygiene booklet…

 
Meanwhile, in Hungary, actress Timea Vojtilla gushed “We have endless opportunities to create!” in a country that just handed dictator powers to authoritarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban…

 
Be prepared to rocket up the Bridge as soon as this crisis is over!

 
Dale has a theta-tastic vision of the future!

 
Here’s today’s dose of Scientology child abuse…

 
Can you do the Purification Rundown — the quack sauna-and-vitamins regimen that takes a month or two — without leaving your own house? Hm.

 
And in case you didn’t see this last night…

 
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Source Code

“OK, and this is the 1st of April 1954, little more on simple procedures, basics. The problem which the auditor faces is a very simple problem. That’s what makes it so difficult. He has a human being who is out of present time. Ordinarily this is the target of the auditor, although you can use auditing on cats, dogs and horses, and so forth. As a matter of fact, I was auditing a horse the other day. Got him into present time, too. It’s very easy to audit a horse. All you make him do is reach for you and you retreat until he feels good and dangerous. And his spirits will come up and he’ll be in present time enough to be rid.” — L. Ron Hubbard, April 1, 1954

 
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Overheard in the FreeZone

“Membership figures in the Freezone — just like in the Church — have been dropping for decades so that the next generation is expected to be nothing but extravagant buildings owned and controlled by US government agencies like CST and RTC in order to increase illegal earnings of controlled intelligence non-governmental organizations (NGOs)….In the west, however, a toothless Scientology — which no longer audits effectively, thus leaving the reactive mind untouched, and no longer produces real Clears and OTs, but instead studies theory (‘The BASICS’) for the most part or, as in the Freezone, replaces the auditor’s training with ‘discussions about Scientology’s aspects in news groups’ — serves a similar purpose as the Freemasons’ lodges centuries ago: a reservoir for critical spirits, free thinkers and intelligent freedom fighters controlled by secret service circles.”

 
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Random Howdy

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on.”

 
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Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker

Criminal prosecutions:
— Jay Spina: Sentencing set for April 3 in White Plains
— Hanan and Rizza Islam and other family members: Trial set for April 14 in Los Angeles

Civil litigation:
— Luis and Rocio Garcia v. Scientology: Waiting for an appellate decision from the Eleventh Circuit
— Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’ Hearing on motion for reconsideration set for June 17
— Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology: April 22 (plaintiff attorneys pro hac vice), June (demurrers by Masterson and Scientology), June (motions to compel arbitration)
— Jane Doe v. Scientology (in Miami): Jane Doe’s attorneys have asked for discovery, depositions (Warren McShane, Lynn Farny), April 20 hearing set (motion to compel arbitration)
— Matt and Kathy Feschbach bankruptcy appeal: Oral arguments were heard on March 11 in Jacksonville
— Brian Statler Sr v. City of Inglewood: Amended complaint filed.

 
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Start making your plans…

 
Head over to the convention website and meet us in St. Louis!

 
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Scientology’s celebrities, ‘Ideal Orgs,’ and more!

We’ve been building landing pages about David Miscavige’s favorite playthings, including celebrities and ‘Ideal Orgs,’ and we’re hoping you’ll join in and help us gather as much information as we can about them. Head on over and help us with links and photos and comments.

Scientology’s celebrities, from A to Z! Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

Scientology’s ‘Ideal Orgs,’ from one end of the planet to the other! Help us build up pages about each these worldwide locations!

Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society!

Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in our weekly series. How many have you read?

 
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THE WHOLE TRACK

[ONE year ago] Sword-wielding, Bentley-driving man killed by police at Scientology org identified
[TWO years ago] Scientologists are trying to convince each other that the new TV network is a roaring success
[THREE years ago] Scientology’s spies: L. Ron Hubbard’s twisted legacy that proved his sickness
[FOUR years ago] Augustine: One weird trick every Scientologist needs to learn for real ‘total freedom’
[FIVE years ago] CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT FILED AGAINST SCIENTOLOGY DRUG REHABS IN CALIFORNIA
[SIX years ago] Hey, you guys, the new Scientology E-meter is a hit!
[SEVEN years ago] LEAK: Narconon’s Legal Affairs Director Admits No Scientific Basis for Advertised Success Rates
[EIGHT years ago] Sunday Funnies: LRH Gets an Answer from Tricky Dick!

 
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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 1, 2020 at 07:00

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Our new book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is now on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2019 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2019), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Other links: BLOGGING DIANETICS: Reading Scientology’s founding text cover to cover | UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists | GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice | SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts | Shelly Miscavige, 14 years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates, or join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news | Battling Babe-Hounds: Ross Jeffries v. R. Don Steele