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Love, Scientology style: How hard can it be to find a Clear date?

We want to thank Alex Barnes-Ross for bringing us this gem today.

“Apostate Alex” keeps his eye on Scientology social media, and found the following exchange at one of the groups were Scientologists interact with each other.

The conversation is really helpful for those of us outside looking in at the insular world of Scientology, and for a few different reasons.

For one thing, you can imagine that it might be increasingly difficult for young Scientologists to find each other for romantic reasons when the organization has been battered and bruised in recent years.


But parents being parents, this kind of matchmaking will go on nonetheless, right?

Also, the exchange confirms that yes, Scientologists really do talk like this with each other, and you get a sense of how much the Scientology mindset and its unique vocabulary becomes so all-encompassing for members.

And so we asked Alex to translate the conversation, and we’re glad we did. We think you’ll see what we mean.


Alex’s translation: “Asking for a friend (promise). My son is 21 and needs a girlfriend. He’s Clear, any takers?”

Alex’s translation: “Get him to write down his goals and what’s important to him in a relationship and get it checked over by an Ethics Officer to make sure he’s done it right. My daughter did it and ended up marrying someone she’s known her whole life (and they’re both Scientologists).”

Alex’s translation: “Not sure if there are any Scientology-specific dating groups, but my niece is single if you want me to put in a good word. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Alex’s translation: “Tell him to go and see the Ethics Officer, he’s a great wingman. If he thinks two people would be a good couple, he’ll give them a program to complete that results in them getting married (and if either of them disagree, they’ll get punished). I know two couples who did this. Would recommend! 10/10.”

Alex’s translation: “Send him to Flag or LA Org. The training programs there are full of desperate (and horny) kids. Just look at convicted felon Mary Sue Hubbard — she married our Dear Leader, and even served prison time for infiltrating the government! (What a role model!)”


We can’t wait to see your own reactions to this exchange, and we’d love to hear from the ex-Scientologists in our community about their own dating experiences in the Hubbard cabal.

Hip, hip, hooray!


Technology Cocktail

“A Clear who acquires an Ethics record of a Crime level obviously is a misdeclare, and must be put on the usual lines and get a Re-Clear Check, then a complete Review to get in the out grade or grades. This Ethics record must be accurate and proven, not just some chit written which may or may not be true. It is a PROVEN record resulting from a Hearing, Board of Investigation, or Comm Ev. If the record is in question, it must be cleared up before revoking a Clear Certificate.” — L. Ron Hubbard, 1967



We first broke the news of the LAPD’s investigation of Scientology celebrity Danny Masterson on rape allegations in 2017, and we’ve been covering the story every step of the way since then. At this page we’ve collected our most important links as Danny faces a potential sentence of 45 years to life in prison. NOW WITH TRIAL INDEX.


THE PODCAST: How many have you heard?


[1] Marc Headley [2] Claire Headley [3] Jeffrey Augustine [4] Bruce Hines [5] Sunny Pereira [6] Pete Griffiths [7] Geoff Levin [8] Patty Moher [9] Marc Headley [10] Jefferson Hawkins [11] Michelle ‘Emma’ Ryan [12] Paulette Cooper [13] Jesse Prince [14] Mark Bunker [15] Jon Atack [16] Mirriam Francis [17] Bruce Hines on MSH

— SPECIAL: The best TV show on Scientology you never got to see

[1] Phil Jones [2] Derek Bloch [3] Carol Nyburg [4] Katrina Reyes [5] Jamie DeWolf

— The first Danny Masterson trial and beyond

[18] Trial special with Chris Shelton [19] Trial week one [20] Marc Headley on the spy in the hallway [21] Trial week two [22] Trial week three [23] Trial week four [24] Leah Remini on LAPD Corruption [25] Mike Rinder 2022 Thanksgiving Special [26] Jane Doe 4 (Tricia Vessey), Part One [27] Jane Doe 4 (Tricia Vessey), Part Two [28] Claire Headley on the trial [29] Tory Christman [30] Bruce Hines on spying [31] Karen de la Carriere [32] Ron Miscavige on Shelly Miscavige [33] Karen de la Carriere on the L’s [34] Mark Bunker on Miscavige hiding [35] Mark Plummer [36] Mark Ebner [37] Karen Pressley [38] Steve Cannane [39] Fredrick Brennan [40] Clarissa Adams [41] Louise Shekter [42] John Sweeney [43] Tory Christman [44] Kate Bornstein [45] Christian Stolte [46] Mark Bunker [47] Jon Atack [48] Luke Y. Thompson [49] Mark Ebner [50] Bruce Hines [51] Spanky Taylor and Karen Pressley [51] Geoff and Robbie Levin [52] Sands Hall [53] Jonny Jacobsen [54] Sandy Holeman


Source Code

“I just had a phone call from California, by the way: A girl who was on the handbook — fifteen hours, really, on the handbook, running it through — went down to a secretarial course (never seen a typewriter before), sat down and read the chart, spent ten minutes reading the chart, sat down at the typewriter with blank keys and started writing at twenty-five words a minute. Here sits an atom bomb. That atom bomb is a complete threat to this whole society, culture, your body, your civilization.” — L. Ron Hubbard, February 18, 1952


Avast, Ye Mateys

“REGRET: I am sorry that Ethics has to be stepped up. But each day a few more omissions land on my desk. The FSO and FAO have not formed up and the FB and myself are having to carry the load.” — The Commodore, February 18, 1971



Overheard in the FreeZone

“Outside this universe there is no time. There is only this huge movie we see creating itself more and more into the future. Since all of this movie is present outside the physical universe, a being can enter into any time period he wants if he has the level of awareness that allows him to do so. I was sent to this period of time as a new creation. The purpose was and is to raise the vibrations of the planet. This will, by itself, align this period of time and alter the future to make everything better. There were a million of me created from one of the Gods. They might be operating bodies on or off the planet. Most are Orbs that are directly connected to source so they are all around the planet raising the vibrations of the planet. I would say there is less than 10 of me operating bodies on this planet. The rest would be Orbs just observing and raising the vibrations.”


Past is Prologue

2002: From the Associated Press this week: “A prosecutor on Friday urged a Paris court to disband the Church of Scientology in the French capital, where the organization is on trial for attempted fraud and false advertising in its efforts to recruit and keep its members. ‘I ask you to consider dissolution,’ Forey said. Civil parties to the government’s case, including the National Union of Associations for the Defense of Families and Individuals, support the call for the Paris branch to be dissolved. Church of Scientology members have likened the trial to a witch hunt and say their faith is a religion like any other. ‘This is a setup – the government is trying to destroy a religion,’ said Marc Bromberg, a Church of Scientology official. ‘We are in an environment in France that’s against religion and spirituality.'”


Random Howdy

“I was just ruminating that Manson probably got the idea for ‘creepy crawl’ from some Scientology experience.”


Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker


Criminal prosecutions:
Danny Masterson charged for raping three women: Found guilty on two counts on May 31, remanded to custody. Sentenced to 30 years to life on Sep 7.
‘Lafayette Ronald Hubbard’ (a/k/a Justin Craig), aggravated assault, plus drug charges: Grand jury indictments include charges from an assault while in custody. Next pretrial hearing January 29, 2024.
David Gentile, GPB Capital, fraud.

Civil litigation:
Leah Remini v. Scientology, alleging ‘Fair Game’ harassment and defamation: Complaint filed August 2, motion to strike/anti-SLAPP motions by Scientology to be heard January 9, 2024.
Baxter, Baxter, and Paris v. Scientology, alleging labor trafficking: Forced to arbitration. Plaintiffs allowed interlocutory appeal to Eleventh Circuit.
Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’
Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology and Danny Masterson: Discovery phase.
Jane Doe 1 v. Scientology, David Miscavige, and Gavin Potter: Case unsealed and second amended complaint filed. Scientology moves for religious arbitration.
Chiropractors Steve Peyroux and Brent Detelich, stem cell fraud: Ordered to mediation.



After the success of their double-Emmy-winning, three-season A&E series ‘Scientology and the Aftermath,’ Leah Remini and Mike Rinder continue the conversation on their podcast, ‘Scientology: Fair Game.’ We’ve created a landing page where you can hear all of the episodes so far.


An episode-by-episode guide to Leah Remini’s three-season, double-Emmy winning series that changed everything for Scientology watching. Originally aired from 2016 to 2019 on the A&E network, and now on Netflix.


Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

Other links: SCIENTOLOGY BLACK OPS: Tom Cruise and dirty tricks. Scientology’s Ideal Orgs, from one end of the planet to the other. Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society. Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in a weekly series. How many have you read?


[ONE year ago] PODCAST: Mark Ebner joined Scientology for two weeks and we’re still recovering from it
[TWO years ago] Clearwater deal: Scientology leader David Miscavige will finally get parcel he covets
[THREE years ago] Scientologist and accused Ponzi schemer learns government has 13 MILLION documents on him
[FOUR years ago] In Scientology’s Sea Org, the terror originates inside your own head
[FIVE years ago] Is Beck divorcing Scientology along with his wife? Here’s the evidence for and against.
[SIX years ago] Scientology opened an ‘Ideal Org’ in Salt Lake City yesterday. We have its secret plans.
[SEVEN years ago] Augustine: Why is it so hard to find a Scientologist in good standing?
[EIGHT years ago] David Miscavige wastes no time once the stay is lifted in Monique Rathbun’s lawsuit
[NINE years ago] TAMPA SHOWDOWN: Scientology’s religious exception faces mini-trial today
[TEN years ago] Going three feet back of your head: Scientology’s Original Operating Thetan Level Six!
[ELEVEN years ago] Tom Cruise Under Oath: We Have His Deposition Questions!


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley (1952-2019) did not see his daughter Stephanie in his final 5,667 days.
Tammy Synovec has not seen her daughter Julia in 2,814 days.
Valerie Haney has not seen her mother Lynne in 3,309 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 3,824 days
Sylvia Wagner DeWall has not seen her brother Randy in 3,374 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 2,364 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 2,245 days.
Christie Collbran has not seen her mother Liz King in 5,549 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 3,420 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 4,972 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 4,313 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 12,880 days.
Melissa Paris has not seen her father Jean-Francois in 8,799 days.
Valeska Paris has not seen her brother Raphael in 4,967 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 4,548 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 4,809 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 3,845 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 3,561 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 3,125 days.
Julian Wain has not seen his brother Joseph or mother Susan in 1,440 days.
Charley Updegrove has not seen his son Toby in 2,615 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 7,166 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 4,297 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 4,635 days.
Roger Weller has not seen his daughter Alyssa in 9,490 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 4,609 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 2,965 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in 7,268 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 3,374 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 3,772 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 3,648 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 3,213 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 3,726 days.
Mary Jane Barry has not seen her daughter Samantha in 3,980 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 15,089 days.


Posted by Tony Ortega on February 18, 2024 at 07:00

E-mail tips to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We also post updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our new book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is now on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2022 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2022), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Other links: BLOGGING DIANETICS: Reading Scientology’s founding text cover to cover | UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists | GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice | SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts | Shelly Miscavige, 15 years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates, or join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news | Battling Babe-Hounds: Ross Jeffries v. R. Don Steele


Tony Ortega at The Daily Beast


Tony Ortega at Rolling Stone


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