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Finally, truth in Scientology advertising: What an ‘Ideal USA’ would really look like

Hype videos for Scientology fundraising is of course one of our favorite genres of human achievement.

And wow, do we have a great one for you today.

Next week the “All-Ideal US” effort is having another online fleecing for Scientologists, begging them for money so several more “Ideal Orgs” can be completed in places like New Haven, Connecticut and Hawaii. Because now that empty Ideal Orgs exist in big places like Detroit and Phoenix and Denver, a few more (if less populated) places need their own monuments to David Miscavige’s ego before the entire country can be declared “Ideal.”

And what will that look like? What would an Ideal Scientology United States, with shining L. Ron Hubbard cathedrals from coast to coast, mean for the post-pandemic US of A?


Well, we thought we’d help out Scientology with its latest video, which was sent out just a couple of days ago to members. We figure you’ll catch the small improvement we made in order to help us all imagine a future under Scientology.

Bonus hilarity: Lots of familiar faces here. How many can you name?


Jon Atack and Karen de la Carriere

Says Karen: “This video depicts just how much Scientology wants dirt on you. Videotaping every single session, asking questions that are clearly INTELLIGENCE questions for Office of Special Affairs files to use on you later.”



Bonus items from our tipsters


Hey kid, ever cooked rice and beans? You might qualify!



Source Code

“I think you could probably get a cat to talk with the reach-and-withdraw band of processes. I mean it. I mean it. I think you could get a cat to talk. But how would you go about processing a cat, you see? Well, the same way you tend to process children. Sloppily, hunt-and-punch, no regular sessions, not treating it with the dignity that auditing demands. Don’t you see? You know, a lot of Scientologists’ kids are going to be practically unprocessible in a few more years, if people keep hunting-and-punching processing on them, you know. Grabbing them off as they pass by, and running an assist, don’t you see, and never flattening the auditing command and so forth. I’m surprised, every once in a while, one of my kids will yelp when I say I’m going to give them an assist, you know. They yelp! They’re usually very pleased, but once in a while I will propose something like this, and I’ll get a protest.” — L. Ron Hubbard, June 19, 1963


Avast, Ye Mateys

“To the members of the FB, FSO and FAO: Thank you all — each and every one — for your good wishes on my Birthday. I’m thrilled with the ‘Mad Money for Cassettes,’ and very anxious to see my Mystery Gift. Much love,” — Mary Sue, June 19, 1971


Overheard in the FreeZone


“I am only on OT2 but in the Freezone we have top end comps almost weekly. There is no doubt that the upper levels of the so called CBR bridge give the OTs tools to operate effectively on all dynamics, not just their own. The wins are mind blowing and it must be what LRH intended. Cause and caseless on all dynamics. So I am doing it, Freezone for sure. The Indies do not offer anything beyond OT8 which we now know is questionable as regards being a fully completed rundown or level.”


Past is Prologue

1999: The Savannah Morning News reported that a kennel master has been fired after he took a bomb sniffing dog to work on an unauthorized job for Scientology in Clearwater. “The kennel master for Chatham County’s K-9 unit was fired after he took a bomb-sniffing dog to Florida to work a private job for his own personal gain, according to the county sheriff. Lt. Tony Derryberry also built pipe bombs — in violation of federal law — to help train Chatham’s K-9 units, said Sheriff Al St Lawrence. Derryberry took a dog trained to find explosives from its handler on May 6 and went with it to Clearwater, Fla., to work a private job — inspecting a site for a conference of the Church of Scientology, St Lawrence said Tuesday. He spent two days in Florida with the specially trained dog — an investment for the county of about $8,500 — without department approval, the sheriff said.”


Random Howdy

“I’ve seen Oz promote homeopathy, naturopathy, chiropractic, acupuncture, and herbal voodoo on his program. He’s Dr Woo-Woo.”


Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker

Criminal prosecutions:
Danny Masterson charged for raping three women: Next hearing set for August 9. Trial tentatively scheduled for early November.

Jay and Jeff Spina, Medicare fraud: Jay sentenced to 9 years in prison. Jeff’s sentencing to be scheduled.
Hanan and Rizza Islam and other family members, Medi-Cal fraud: Pretrial conference August 21 in Los Angeles
David Gentile, GPB Capital, fraud: June 18 pretrial conference delayed for Juneteenth federal holiday.

Civil litigation:
Luis and Rocio Garcia v. Scientology: Oral arguments were heard on July 30 at the Eleventh Circuit
Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’ Petition to US Supreme Court submitted on May 26. Scientology has until June 25 to respond.
Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology and Danny Masterson: California Supreme Court grants review on May 26, asks Second Appellate Division to direct Judge Steven Kleifield to show cause why he granted Scientology’s motion for arbitration.
Matt and Kathy Feschbach tax debt: Eleventh Circuit ruled on Sept 9 that Feshbachs can’t discharge IRS debt in bankruptcy. Dec 17: Feshbachs sign court judgment obliging them to pay entire $3.674 million tax debt, plus interest from Nov 19.
Brian Statler Sr v. City of Inglewood: Second amended complaint filed, trial set for Nov 9, 2021.
Author Steve Cannane defamation trial: Trial concluded, Cannane victorious, awarded court costs. Case appealed on Dec 24.

Concluded litigation:
Dennis Nobbe, Medicare fraud, PPP loan fraud: Charged July 29. Bond revoked Sep 14. Nobbe dead, Sep 14.
Jane Doe v. Scientology (in Miami): Jane Doe dismissed the lawsuit on May 15 after the Clearwater Police dropped their criminal investigation of her allegations.



We first broke the news of the LAPD’s investigation of Scientology celebrity Danny Masterson on rape allegations in 2017, and we’ve been covering the story every step of the way since then. At this page we’ve collected our most important links, including our four days in Los Angeles covering the preliminary hearing and its ruling, which has Danny facing trial and the potential sentence of 45 years to life in prison.


After the success of their double-Emmy-winning, three-season A&E series ‘Scientology and the Aftermath,’ Leah Remini and Mike Rinder continue the conversation on their podcast, ‘Scientology: Fair Game.’ We’ve created a landing page where you can hear all of the episodes so far.


An episode-by-episode guide to Leah Remini’s three-season, double-Emmy winning series that changed everything for Scientology watching. Originally aired from 2016 to 2019 on the A&E network, and now on Netflix.


Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

Other links: SCIENTOLOGY BLACK OPS: Tom Cruise and dirty tricks. Scientology’s Ideal Orgs, from one end of the planet to the other. Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society. Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in a weekly series. How many have you read?



[ONE year ago] Records show that Danny Masterson is a woeful Scientologist — would he turn on the church?
[TWO years ago] Ignore the apologists: Yes, L. Ron Hubbard lied about having an engineering degree
[THREE years ago] Stacy Francis goes to Washington: Are we witnessing another Scientology political op?
[FOUR years ago] Clearwater bar owner under surveillance has a surprise for Scientology: He’s expanding
[FIVE years ago] Scientology goes big with Barnes & Noble and with the Euro 2016 football tournament
[SIX years ago] LEAK: ‘Crappy stories’ about Scientology are driving more people to the church than ever!
[SEVEN years ago] Paul Haggis, Chill EB, and more Scientology fun in an all-video post!
[EIGHT years ago] LEAK: Scientology’s Script For Softening Up A Crowd
[NINE years ago] The Master Gets Its Scientology On in 2nd Trailer


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley (1952-2019) did not see his daughter Stephanie in his final 5,667 days.
Valerie Haney has not seen her mother Lynne in 2,336 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 2,841 days
Sylvia Wagner DeWall has not seen her brother Randy in 2,361 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 1,381 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 1,272 days.
Christie Collbran has not seen her mother Liz King in 4,579 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 2,447 days.
Carol Nyburg has not seen her daughter Nancy in 3,221 days.
Doug Kramer has not seen his parents Linda and Norm in 1,551 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 4,025 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 3,341 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 11,907 days.
Melissa Paris has not seen her father Jean-Francois in 7,826 days.
Valeska Paris has not seen her brother Raphael in 3,994 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 3,575 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 3,836 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 2,874 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 2,587 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 2,112 days.
Julian Wain has not seen his brother Joseph or mother Susan in 467 days.
Charley Updegrove has not seen his son Toby in 1,642 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 6,193 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 3,342 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 3,662 days.
Roger Weller has not seen his daughter Alyssa in 8,517 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 3,636 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 1,992 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in 6,295 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 2,401 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 2,803 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 2,675 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 2,258 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 2,753 days.
Mary Jane Barry has not seen her daughter Samantha in 3,007 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 14,116 days.


Posted by Tony Ortega on June 19, 2021 at 07:00

E-mail tips to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We also post updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our new book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is now on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2020 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2020), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Other links: BLOGGING DIANETICS: Reading Scientology’s founding text cover to cover | UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists | GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice | SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts | Shelly Miscavige, 15 years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates, or join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news | Battling Babe-Hounds: Ross Jeffries v. R. Don Steele


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