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DONE SIR: Scientology leader David Miscavige caught flattering himself for virus PR ploy

Oh, this is embarrassing.

As if it weren’t bad enough that Scientology’s attempts to cash in on the coronavirus with a concerted PR campaign has blown up in its face time and again with negative press reports, now there’s this.

Jeffrey Augustine caught Scientology preparing one of its overblown photo orgies for David Miscavige to use in an upcoming event — Maiden Voyage, perhaps? — by having dozens of “Volunteer Ministers” in their head-to-toe hazmat cosplay outfits assemble Saturday afternoon in front of the Los Angeles Ideal Org on Sunset Boulevard, with a large “Done Sir” banner to explain exactly what was going on.

It’s “Mission Accomplished,” Scientology style.



“COVID-19 handled!” Augustine joked as he shared his photos with us. “There was a drone filming. It swooped low over me while I was at the hedge taking snaps.”

While the coronavirus still rages across the country and signs of a second wave of illnesses are growing, Miscavige is apparently ready to proclaim victory for the benefit of his wealthy donors, for whom there is no doubt this bit of stagecraft was arranged.

The pandemic may not be over, but Miscavige is already preparing to congratulate himself for turning it into a Scientology victory.

Scientology first had to face up to the pandemic on March 13, the holiest day on the Scientology calendar, which is the birthday of founder L. Ron Hubbard. That Friday the annual birthday event was canceled as so many other things were as this country began to go into lockdown. It was the first Hubbard birthday event canceled for any reason in the 70-year history of the Dianetics-Scientology movement.

Livid with rage, Miscavige penned a secret bulletin that his followers were required to come down to their local org (virus or no virus) to read, in which he referred to the pandemic as “hysteria” and a “planetary bullbait.”

This was consistent with Hubbard, who taught that virtually all human ailments are actually psychosomatic and therefore curable with his “tech” of the mind. To drive home that point, Scientologists were encouraged to read his 1957 words on nuclear radiation sickness from atomic bomb testing, which he claimed was not a physical reality but something one could handle with the right attitude. Scientologists, privately, were instructed to consider the coronavirus in the same light.

Publicly, however, Miscavige saw in the pandemic a public relations opportunity. One of his longtime initiatives has been the “Volunteer Ministers” who are sent to the scene of natural disasters to hand out Scientology literature and pretend that they are helping first responders. And here was the mother of all natural disasters.

So Miscavige quickly had a booklet put together with basic advice that health officials had already been telling us for weeks — wash your hands and keep your distance, etc. — and then had them printed up by the millions at Scientology’s state-of-the-art printing behemoth in Southern California.

For weeks, Scientologists wearing head-to-toe protective suits have been going door to door around the world with the booklets, giving the impression that they are either part of a government response or a local church effort (they say “Volunteer ministers!” not “Scientology here!”).

And some have definitely been fooled. We were stunned, for example, when Ohio Governor Mike DeWine announced at a press conference that he was preparing to put out thousands of health kits that would include a copy of Scientology’s booklet. (The state government later claimed that it was a mistake and another booklet would be used.) But in other places, especially in Australia and New Zealand, the local press has ridiculed Scientology for its attempts to turn the health crisis into a recruiting effort.

Despite those embarrassing setbacks, Miscavige is ready to shower himself with praise for the benefit of his donors. Usually, at this time of year he has his wealthiest supporters join him for a week aboard the Freewinds, Scientology’s private cruise ship in the Caribbean, for “Maiden Voyage,” an anniversary celebration of the ship, and a time for Miscavige to share news of upcoming initiatives with his most loyal fans.


The Freewinds is sailing again after spending much of the pandemic in dock, but does that mean that Maiden Voyage will take place? We don’t know. But we do know that Miscavige is ready to take credit for defeating the coronavirus.

“And yet if it’s ‘Done Sir’ then why are they are still moon-suited in respirators? That doesn’t say done to this wog,” Augustine points out.


Bonus items from our tipsters

Get your wallets ready, Hawaii!


A reader in Chicago noticed that the upcoming Ideal Org now appears to have received its signage, which is still under wraps.




Source Code

“The Romans were very kind; the early Christian was very, very cruel. So now we find out the Romans were very cruel and the early Christians were very kind. But the records don’t bear this out. Now, as far as survival is concerned, if you want to survive, I guess, be cruel. I suppose that’s the most short-term method of survival. But it’s not any long-term method of survival. But being kind and being ineffective, of course, is a fast way to the electric chair; it is a fast way to insolvency; it’s a fast way to bankruptcy of all kinds and descriptions; it’s a fast way to the death chamber and the cemetery. And more important to us, it is a fast way to oblivion on the whole track, being very kind.” — L. Ron Hubbard, June 15, 1961


Overheard in the FreeZone

“I cannot say enough good things about NOTs — it is the most incredible level there is and there are many incredible levels. I was fortunate in not getting it in the Church of Scientology, but unfortunate in not getting it for so many years that I could have. I have also cleaned up people who have gotten it in the church to where they are really winning with it now. SPs don’t want you to do NOTs correctly as they will fade away into oblivion, which is their correct place in this world.”


Random Howdy

“Miscavige became emperor through the Hubbard-approved Roman rules of ascension which he achieved by his control of the Praetorian guard of the Sea Org, the CMO. Once becoming Caesar how could he smash his name into the history books of his hermit kingdom? He can’t add to the ‘tech’ so all that is left for him to do is BUILD BUILD BUILD. It’s all about the ruinous runt’s ego.”


Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker

Criminal prosecutions:
Jay Spina: Sentencing was set for April 3 in White Plains
Hanan and Rizza Islam and other family members: Trial set for October 7 in Los Angeles

Civil litigation:
Luis and Rocio Garcia v. Scientology: Waiting for an appellate decision from the Eleventh Circuit
Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’ Hearing on motion for reconsideration set for August 11
Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology and Danny Masterson: July 8 (plaintiff attorneys pro hac vice), August 31-Sept 1 (CSI/RTC demurrer against Riales, Masterson demurrer), Oct 7-19 (motions to compel arbitration)
Jane Doe v. Scientology (in Miami): Jane Doe dismissed the lawsuit on May 15 after the Clearwater Police dropped their criminal investigation of her allegations.
Matt and Kathy Feschbach bankruptcy appeal: Oral arguments were heard on March 11 in Jacksonville
Brian Statler Sr v. City of Inglewood: Amended complaint filed.


Scientology’s celebrities, ‘Ideal Orgs,’ and more!

[Alanna Masterson, Terry Jastrow, and Marisol Nichols]

We’ve been building landing pages about David Miscavige’s favorite playthings, including celebrities and ‘Ideal Orgs,’ and we’re hoping you’ll join in and help us gather as much information as we can about them. Head on over and help us with links and photos and comments.

Scientology’s celebrities, from A to Z! Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

Scientology’s ‘Ideal Orgs,’ from one end of the planet to the other! Help us build up pages about each these worldwide locations!

Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society!

Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in our weekly series. How many have you read?



[ONE year ago] Spend hundreds of thousands on Scientology, and the rain will part for you!
[TWO years ago] First person: In Scientology, children are punished for being kids
[THREE years ago] Marty Rathbun, Victoria Britton has a question for you about Scientology and judges
[FOUR years ago] Wacky scenes from Scientology’s ‘Battlefield Earth’ launch on Hollywood Boulevard
[FIVE years ago] The Scientology spy who came in from the cold: Len Zinberg, who apologized to Paulette Cooper
[SIX years ago] Scientology Sunday Funnies: The Valley rocks as the fundraising rolls ever onward
[SEVEN years ago] OT Powers: Jon Atack on Scientology’s Promise to Make You Superhuman
[EIGHT years ago] VIDEO: Watch Sacto Mayor and Former NBA Star Kevin Johnson Suck Up to Scientology
[NINE years ago] Inside Scientology Promises a Lot, and Delivers


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley (1952-2019) did not see his daughter Stephanie in his final 5,667 days.
Valerie Haney has not seen her mother Lynne in 1,969 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 2,473 days
Sylvia Wagner DeWall has not seen her brother Randy in 1,993 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 1,013 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 904 days.
Christie Collbran has not seen her mother Liz King in 4,211 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 2,079 days.
Carol Nyburg has not seen her daughter Nancy in 2,853 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 3,627 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 2,973 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 11,539 days.
Melissa Paris has not seen her father Jean-Francois in 7,458 days.
Valeska Paris has not seen her brother Raphael in 3,626 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 3,207 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 3,468 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 2,506 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 2,219 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 1,744 days.
Charley Updegrove has not seen his son Toby in 1,274 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 5,834 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 2,974 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 3,294 days.
Roger Weller has not seen his daughter Alyssa in 8,149 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 3,269 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 1,624 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in 5,927 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 2,033 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 2,435 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 2,307 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 1,890 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 2,385 days.
Mary Jane Barry has not seen her daughter Samantha in 2,639 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 13,748 days.


Posted by Tony Ortega on June 15, 2020 at 07:00

E-mail tips to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We also post updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our new book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is now on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2019 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2019), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Other links: BLOGGING DIANETICS: Reading Scientology’s founding text cover to cover | UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists | GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice | SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts | Shelly Miscavige, 14 years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates, or join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news | Battling Babe-Hounds: Ross Jeffries v. R. Don Steele


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