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HowdyCon: From “Squeeze My Cans,” Cathy Schenkelberg’s sexy Scientology sec-check!

Last Saturday night in Denver, HowdyCon was capped off with a performance by Cathy Schenkelberg, who dazzled us with a scene taken from her one-woman play, “Squeeze My Cans.” She has generously shared her script from that scene for the rest of our readers to enjoy. In the play, she dramatizes her journey in Scientology, which cost her nearly a $1 million for counseling and interrogations…

[CATHY, speaking to the audience as Narrator…] “Finally, I get a few sessions in, but I run out of money. My registrar had opened up an American Express card under my name. She said something about Thursday before 2pm. It’s week ending? Stats up! But she didn’t tell me it had to be paid off in a month. So I was sent home to make more money…..and I did.”

[Recorded voiceovers of Cathy working in advertising…] “Kaluachino, How come you taste so good — alcohol free mix.” “This woman shops at Sears Brand Central…This woman’s a brain surgeon.” “Want a tough stain out? Shout it out!”


[As CATHY the Narrator…] “1994. I’m back at Celebrity Centre in Hollywood. I opened up more credit cards and sent more money needed to go Clear! I had a special program tailor-made just for me to clean up lower auditing that was missed. I guess this was pretty standard.

“I began auditing … with a 15-year-old! Yep! Beautiful Natalie, who eventually became AUDITOR OF THE YEAR like five years in a row! She’s auditing me on this thing called ‘the Joburg.’ LRH had researched this data in Johannesburg, South Africa. This Security Check was described by Hubbard as ‘the roughest security check in Scientology.’ It was more like the SEX RUNDOWN to me. It went like this…”

[As NATALIE…] “I’ll assess the list. Have you ever blackmailed anybody? Told lies in Court? Peddled Dope? Have you ever raped anyone? Been involved in an abortion? Practiced Homosexuality? Have you ever slept with a member of a race of another color? Done any illicit diamond buying? Been a spy for an organization? Have you ever been a newspaper reporter? Had anything to do with a baby farm? Been a spy for the police? Have you ever done anything your MOTHER would be ashamed to find out? Do you know any Communists personally? Have you ever had an unkind thought about LRH? Tom Cruise? David Miscavige? Did you like the movie Battlefield Earth? Have you ever used Dianetics or Scientology to force sex upon someone? Are you upset about this Security Check? Have you ever had intercourse while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?”

[As CATHY the Preclear…] “UH OH. Duh. All the time.”

[As NATALIE…] “We’re going to take that up…”

[As CATHY the Preclear…] “Uh, OK. Well…

“I was in Rome near the university. I was traveling there after working a trade show in England dancing with a Ticonderoga pencil for three G’s. Live industrial stuff. I was big! Anyway. I’m in Rome, and I meet this Italian guy at a cafe. I say, ‘Hey, do you know where I can find a hostel or a place to stay?’ He said his roommate Jean Pierre was out of town and I could crash there for a couple of nights. Five beds, two rooms, six Italians — a couple of chiantis or proseccos later and Jean Pierre shows up early, so I would have to sleep on the floor. Unless we pushed two beds together…”

[As CATHY the Narrator…] “I looked at Natalie’s stone cold face.”

[As CATHY the Preclear…] “I’m sorry. Natalie, this is weird. Have you even had sex before?”

[As NATALIE…] “Continue.”

[As CATHY the Preclear…] “Uh, OK. So Jean Pierre, Giovanni and me…”

[As CATHY the narrator…] “I went through the whole circus act! I divulged everything. Like, she did not budge. I went this way and that way! I was getting wet just reliving it!

[As CATHY the Preclear…] “…And JP turned me over, and Giovanni was like, babella! And just then another roommate, Giuseppe, showed up and said, Come’ va, vaffanculo, pasta fagioli! and…SCENE!”

[As NATALIE…] “Thank you very much your needle is floating.”

[As CATHY the Preclear…] “Oh ya! Haha, you bet your ass it is! Damn! I’m starving!”

[As CATHY the Narrator…] “I had finally cleaned up all my lower auditing, was ready to give the exact date, last lifetime, down to the millisecond, when I rid myself of my reactive mind. I drifted back to another place long ago, I had lived so many lifetimes before. I remember hearing other Scientologists say, ‘Hey, didja know so and so was JFK, or Marilyn Monroe?’ I even remember meeting three Emily Dickinsons and two Joan’s of Arc. You weren’t exactly supposed to talk about it, but people did. We all did! I mean, my God, L. Ron Hubbard was Buddha! That was the talk in the canteen. I never ever ever recall being anyone famous.

“I had memories of a secret back room bar. You know, some place naughty. I was naughty. I sang and brought clients in for pleasure. [Singing] ‘I love Paris in the spring time, I love Paris in the fall…’

“I was a WHORE! But like a cross between Mae West and Sophie Tucker. ‘Hey, Soph, your left tit is out.’ ‘Oh, I must’ve left the baby on the bus.’ Edgy, funny, smart and sexy. Well, like one of those high-class whores of the time, that entertained in the smoke-filled secret back room, during Prohibition! I could recall with the meter or just in my thoughts being very popular with the men AND the women. A Good Time Charlie! Make ’em laugh, make ’em smile. I eventually died of syphilis or gonorrhea or something by the mid 1930s.

“Next lifetime I remember working at a dude ranch. Giving out rides to the kids…not the naughty ones. A stark difference from my checkered past. Yep, I never recalled being anyone famous. Just a Cabaret singer, a horse, and a whore. Scientology made everything make sense. You cannot invalidate someone’s reality! And that was mine! ‘What’s true for you is true for you.’ Now, finally I get validation on going Clear last lifetime. Being free of my reactive mind was only validated by the meter. I was ready…”

[As NATALIE…] “Tell me the exact moment down to the second you went Clear…”

Cathy Schenkelberg performs “Squeeze My Cans” on July 17 at the Sacred Fools Theater in Los Angeles. The next night she premieres the new cabaret version of her show, “Squeeze My Cans Again.” Both shows are fundraisers to help get Cathy to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August.


Bonus items from our tipsters

Joy Villa, trying her best to Make Scientology Great Again…



Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley has not seen his daughter Stephanie in 4,798 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 2,555 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 1,901 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 2,395 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 1,435 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy in 1,147 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 673 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 4,762 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 1,902 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 2,222 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 2,197 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 553 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin in 4,855 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 962 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis for 1,364 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 1,237 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 818 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike in 1,323 days.
Mary Jane Sterne has not seen her daughter Samantha in 1,567 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 12,676 days.


3D-UnbreakablePosted by Tony Ortega on July 1, 2017 at 07:00

E-mail tips and story ideas to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our book, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information about the book, and our 2015 book tour, can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2016 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Undergound Bunker (2012-2016), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS: We read Scientology’s founding text cover to cover with the help of L.A. attorney and former church member Vance Woodward
UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists
GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice
SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts

Other links: Shelly Miscavige, ten years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | Scientology’s Private Dancer | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | Scientology boasts about assistance from Google | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Our Guide to Alex Gibney’s film ‘Going Clear,’ and our pages about its principal figures…
Jason Beghe | Tom DeVocht | Sara Goldberg | Paul Haggis | Mark “Marty” Rathbun | Mike Rinder | Spanky Taylor | Hana Whitfield


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