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Scientology leader David Miscavige turns 57 today — what’s your birthday greeting?

On April 30, 1960, David Miscavige and his twin sister Denise were born in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. Today they turn 57, and we thought you’d want to wish the Church of Scientology’s ecclesiastical grand poobah a happy birthday.

Over the years, based on various pieces of circumstantial evidence, we’ve come to the conclusion that Scientology’s leader secretly loves this website. We’re pretty sure that he’s a daily reader, and he watches the comments as much as anyone does.

So, for that reason, we thought we ought to give you an opportunity to send Dave a message. Today, as he turns 57, what are your thoughts?

Personally, as someone just a few years behind him, we think Dave looks pretty terrific for his age. Sure, have at his poofy pompadour if you must, but this is a guy who must spend a lot of time in the gym, and doesn’t go out in public unless he’s dressed to the nines. And sure, he may be a bit challenged in the vertical direction, but Dave makes up for an altitudinal disadvantage by ruling the people around him with an iron fist.

For more than 30 years now, he’s had an outsized presence in the lives of thousands of Scientologists. Some of them, workers in the Sea Organization, will have spent several weeks going without pay so they could pool enough money to buy Dave a nice gift. Any guesses what they gave him this year?

OK, everyone together now: Hip, hip, hooray!



Countdown to Denver!


HowdyCon 2017: Denver, June 23-25 at the Residence Inn Denver City Center. Go here to start making your plans, and book your room soon!


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley has not seen his daughter Stephanie in 4,736 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 1,839 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 2,333 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 1,373 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy in 1,085 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 611 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 4,700 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 1,840 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 2,160 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 2,135 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 491 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin in 4,793 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 900 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis for 1,302 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 1,175 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 756 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike in 1,261 days.
Mary Jane Sterne has not seen her daughter Samantha in 1,505 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 12,614 days.


3D-UnbreakablePosted by Tony Ortega on April 30, 2017 at 13:40

E-mail tips and story ideas to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our book, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information about the book, and our 2015 book tour, can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2016 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Undergound Bunker (2012-2016), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS: We read Scientology’s founding text cover to cover with the help of L.A. attorney and former church member Vance Woodward
UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists
GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice
SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts

Other links: Shelly Miscavige, ten years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | Scientology’s Private Dancer | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | Scientology boasts about assistance from Google | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Our Guide to Alex Gibney’s film ‘Going Clear,’ and our pages about its principal figures…
Jason Beghe | Tom DeVocht | Sara Goldberg | Paul Haggis | Mark “Marty” Rathbun | Mike Rinder | Spanky Taylor | Hana Whitfield


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  • $cnMonkeyNut$

    So the Dear Leader has attained as many years as there are varieties in a well-known ketchup brand, and (most important, naturally) the number of perceptics… time to hit the oiliness table! (Eek!)Keep up the relentless foot-bulletry, birthday boy–the cult will be falling to pieces in no time! … may your 58th year be filled with subpoenas and depositions, arsehole.

  • Richard Hole

    My Birthday greeting: I wish I was younger so I can be sure you’d die before me so I can see what happens to Scientology once your gone. Happy B-day.

  • Richard Hole

    Also, you made sure your wife isn’t there to celebrate with you. What’s wrong with you, man

  • Graham

    Just asked Mrs G what her message would be but she just wandered off muttering something about cycle paths; at least I think it was cycle paths.

    My message: Dear Dave, you’ve spent so much of your life encouraging others to up their statuses that the best thing I could say to you is: UP YOURS!!! [I know that’s trite, superficial and childish and I could, with a little thought, come up with something more profound. But you know what Dave; you’re just not worth the effort.]

    • Andrea ‘i-Betty’ Garner

      Mrs G is one of the brightest and most socially aware thetans I know, so if she says Miscavige is a cycle path then he’s a cycle path.

      “Up yours” is also one of the most perfectly simply FUs around. It is a stalwart of insults and can be expanded, as they did in Wish You Were Here, to include “Up your bum and pig’s willy”. Most satisfying.

  • EmmaDaoust
  • Gus Cox

    Happy Birthday, Dave. I’m sure Shelley is baking you a nice cake, and Dad, Ronnie, and Jenna will be over for dinner.

  • Happy Birthday David. Just leave the door open when you leave!

  • PerpetualOutflow

    Well, since COB apparently reads this blog, I decided to take this opportunity to wish him a Happy Birthday and write him a sincere personal note that I very much hope he will read. Apologies to all that it this is not a short post, but I have no way to link to it.

    Dear COB,

    I agree with Tony’s observation and must congratulate you on taking such good care of yourself over the years. You really do look great at 57. I also must congratulate you on the spectacular job your organization has done on the renovations of so many properties throughout the world—they are first class. Additionally, the
    enormous wealth you’ve created for your organization is truly impressive. And although it remains controversial, many believe the work you’ve done with The Basics to present the foundations of The
    Bridge in an organized and sequential fashion is to be admired. Oh and your work to create a powerhouse new
    media facility for worldwide, nonstop dissemination of the tech has many buzzing with anticipation. You obviously have a lot to be proud of on your 57th birthday.

    I would be remiss, however, were I not to bring a few matters to your attention that I suspect those around you may think but would never say to your face because they fear you, your volatile temper, and the power you wield over their lives and future Bridge. That said, I offer the observations and suggestions below respectfully and because I believe they can be helpful to you and your organization.

    Despite the significant accomplishments noted above, the hard truth is that you and your organization are in a very precarious position today. You have hemorrhaged members, attracted a significant amount of litigation and governmental scrutiny throughout the world, garnered unprecedented levels of adverse mainstream and social media attention, and become an object of frequent ridicule in pop culture. This has brought recruitment of new members and therefore growth in services to a dead halt, and donations from wealthy members cannot forever sustain all of your enterprises. As a result, your organization’s future is in serious jeopardy as is your legacy, and you only have a finite number of years in your present meat body to turn things around. Word has it that you really do believe in the tech, despite LRH’s considerable inconsistencies and flaws, so hopefully you will consider a few of the following suggestions that would undoubtedly help you begin to reverse the downward trend lines and ensure a more positive, lasting legacy for your tenure as COB:

    1) The leadership you have shown through the items noted above and the promotion of the church’s social betterment programs is gravely undermined by the rampant practice of disconnection, which has
    separated so many church members from their fathers, mothers, siblings and friends. Whatever purpose LRH thought it served, perhaps you could look at it in a new unit of time and see that it is counterproductive across the dynamics. It has brought crushing, unending pain to thousands, caused a stunning and shameful number of divorces, harmed the well being of children in the Scientology, and brought the church nothing but
    intense scorn and unending controversy. You can change all that with bold leadership and a decision to end this practice once and for all. Yes, it will be messy, and there will inevitably be some fallout, but without a doubt it is the single most important thing you can do to create a healthier, happier culture within your organization and to secure your legacy as a truly transformational leader. Fail to do this, and I’m afraid the future looks rather bleak for your organization.

    2) Forgive me the tangent, but I saw a quote from a business executive recently who said she thought it was “better to be respected than liked.” I would argue that she is mistaken. The two are inextricably
    intertwined, and people usually find it difficult to respect those they do not like. Of course, the chief reason people are not liked by others is usually because they do not treat those around them with dignity and respect. Instead, they allow their own appetites, insecurities and hurts to rule over their thoughts and actions, conveying a persona of self-centeredness, narcissism, callousness and cruelty, and leaving a trail of human wreckage in their wake. Let me get to the point. Whatever the reasons have been, there are many who have been mistreated and are deeply wounded, not only by you or your OSA administration, but also by LRH and his administration before you. Putting aside the allegations that you physically hit those in your employ, I am talking here more generally about the slave wages, overwork, and systemic abuse of both those in the Sea Org and those who work for missions and other orgs. I’m sure you’ve heard the adage, “When there’s an elephant in the room, invite him in.” Well, it is simply impossible for you to be liked and respected and for you to receive lasting credit for your impressive wealth creation if you do not address this elephant in the room and make some sweeping changes. With the billions you have expertly amassed, you can rectify this and thereby earn yourself high leadership marks that are off the charts by demonstrating with the use of these funds that the church truly does care about its staff and those who have given everything to join the Sea Org. Why not put out an innovative plan to improve working conditions, increase pay, cover health care costs, offer standard and much needed vacation time, make some contributions to retirement plans for those in your employ, give your foreign workers back their passports so they can freely come and go, release Shelley,Heber and the others who remain in some form of detention, abolish or completely overhaul the RPF, and show the world that your organization truly is comprised of the most ethical people on the planet? Once again, bold action and real leadership are required, but they are within your grasp. Ignore this issue though, and it will bite you. The lasting and irreversible legacy you will have is that your empire of wealth is illegitimate because it was built on the backs of, for all practical purposes, abused slaves.

    3) There is one other significant area you must address to reverse your church’s steep downward trajectory, and it involves how you treat those outside of your organization. I am talking here, of course, about your practices of fair gaming, dead agenting, espionage and stalking of those you perceive to be enemies. I realize these are entrenched practices that come from policies written by LRH, but he is gone and you are in charge
    now. The 50s and the Cold War era have long since passed, and these relics are not serving you well. While it may be tempting to think that ruining your critics utterly is the wise and prudent course of action for the strong and able to protect the tech and the church, it is time to think outside of the box about the efficacy of these strategies because in truth they are ruining more than your enemies—they are utterly ruining you, your legacy, your members and the future of the church. While many of the specific fair gaming, dead agenting, and bullying actions that have been carried out by your administration against former members, journalists and critics will likely never become known to the public, a good number have been exposed, even very recently with the church’s actions against Clearwater officials and the aquarium. I won’t pull any punches here.
    Your attorney’s letter to Clearwater officials has given your organization a nasty black eye by confirming what many already thought or feared was true about the church—namely that it is doesn’t really have the best
    interests of the public in mind at all and that it is vengeful, vindictive and willing to stoop to breathtaking, unethical lows to try to undermine and ruin those who get in its way. Naturally, the impression that has been left is that Scientology is rotten to its core and to be avoided or countered at all costs. I
    will cut to the chase here: there must be a sea change in the actions of OSA and other leaders in the church in this area before it’s too late. Although the church hasn’t yet suffered another Snow White-like disaster, it is only a matter of time and could come in many forms—INS or FBI raids, a catastrophic and precedent-setting loss in court, an IRS investigation, or any number of other possibilities. It was your efforts that won Scientology its much coveted tax-exempt status. Do you really want that hard won and unlikely legacy to be undermined by allowing the cruel, unethical, and harmful actions of OSA and your hired guns to bring it all crashing down on you and the organization you’ve worked for more than 30 years to strengthen and expand. Again, bold, clear-eyed and courageous leadership here is required of you. If you chart the way, your organization can show the world that you really are the ethical and able beings you claim to be by immediately ceasing all efforts to ruin the reputations of your perceived enemies, get them fired from their jobs, harm their businesses and finances, embarrass them, cause them fear and anxiety, spy on them and their loved ones, and otherwise try to ruin their lives.These are not the actions of able, wise and ethical beings. These are the twisted, cruel and unethical tactics of those who mistakenly believe carrying them out will somehow bring about the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics and ensure the lasting preservation of the tech and church.
    Nothing could be further from the truth. End them now and your legacy as a transformational leader of the Church of Scientology will be secure. Fail to end them now and news of more and more of them will become public, further eroding any trust or good will toward your organization and hastening your demise.

    Thank you for giving these suggested changes some consideration. I acknowledge that they will be enormously difficult to implement given the long period of time that has passed with these policies and practices in place. However, I do not underestimate your formidable ability to explain and sell them to the membership or your grit and Tone 40 intention in the face of seemingly impossible circumstances, so I know
    they are well within your reach should you be persuaded of the correctness, necessity and advantages of making them.

    I hope you enjoy your birthday and are spending it in the company of friends and family.



    • “better to be respected than liked.”
      This is almost exactly what LRH said in the Finance policies. But it never meant you could not have both.
      I would love to see DM make some changes. I know he already has from us all speaking out. There is apparently no more ‘Hole’, couples that get pregnant are allowed to leave rather then forced to abort or divorcee.

      • chukicita

        It’s better to be respected than feared, too.

      • PerpetualOutflow

        Do you happen to have a link to where Hubbard says that?

        • That was 27 yrs ago & I sent all my finance issues to Warrior last year. He would know. So for now it’s verbal data hehe
          But if you are researching I will ask him.

        • I asked Mark and he doesn’t know 🙁 I think it may have come from a tape transcript which I’m now looking for. Its a very nonpublic tape and was for only certain staff in upper finance. Mark has never heard it and he knows most everything finance. I’ll let you know…

          • PerpetualOutflow

            Thanks so much for looking tigger!

    • dchoiceisalwaysrs

      My first response, laudable content, perhaps weak on atonement, but simply insufferable. You are addressing a full blown syndrome of necrophilia. You don’t have the rank even suggest that there is any flaw in David’s path or production and I think he would simply spit in your face for he would simply see you as being audatious rather than ethical.
      A+ for effort
      Que sera sera.

      • PerpetualOutflow

        I understand and agree that it was short on atonement, but to include that would be too much, too soon. I am not in Dave’s world, so I don’t need any rank with him, and that’s exactly why someone who can do so needs to tell him the unvarnished truth in as non-threatening a way as possible on the very off chance that he might take some of it to heart. If he went to the very highest priced reputational consultants and they had the courage to be honest with him, he would pay an enormous sum to be told in no uncertain terms that he urgently must do those three things before any real reputational repair can effectively commence, and even then, it may be too late. I figured, the odds are remote, but why not try?

        • dchoiceisalwaysrs

          I agree as to regards ‘the rank’. I used it mostly in jest, to interject a small component of lightness fr anyone who are familiar with the humour of the absurd that Tommy Davis and his critics have broadly contributed towards over time, in relation to the discussion of DM’s egregious behaviour.
          Even so the concept itself may contain vectors within it which, although to be left out of this short discussion, might augment the understanding and resolution to the very humankind propensity to bring attack, in all its formats from slighting to vicious ad hominem all the way to the utter ruination of not only the participants but all in their environment, the racket of war.
          Leaving that on the table, I think it is a miracle in this universe that humans have the abilitiy and capacity to reason, emote, introvert and extrovert while reasoning, show respect and humility and trust and honor in life.
          One could say these are double edged abilities which can cut both ways or in fact multiple ways.
          One label to describe the beneficial outcome of sufficient alignment of those factors is wisdom.
          I can’t say reason or correct reasoning is the most valuable of those abilities but we are using it now just as you brought it to the center of the table to try to build wisdom,
          But rhetoric involves more, much more than reason alone, and it is well known that addressing emotion is a part of it. So it is one way of trying to bring about wisdom by trying to avoid emotional discord. I admire your attempt to do so.
          I sincerely hope it works but I have my huge doubts. Is DM not so crippled as a person that your reason, you carefully thought out rhetoric will suffice? I wish, but history shows us man behaves not by reason alone, but as a more complex entity. In DM and ElCon, those are not only ‘messed up’ but repugnant to most civilized people
          However all is not lost. There is a very complex (as in many vectors) force bringing about awareness of and the nature of scientology and thus a containment and even a lessoning of the affects of DM’s usurped power and and scientology’s behaviour. Is it enough to win the day? The optimism is rising and that is a good thing. Individuals are bringing and doing what they can.
          With no rank and no authority, but with respect I honor your sincere contribution.

          • PerpetualOutflow

            Thanks for the thoughtful reply DChoice. The odds of my rhetoric being enough to suffiice are obviously laughably miniscule. On occasion though, I have seen things get bad enough and the pressure become intense enough that key protagonists in crises situations may actually consider the advice of those outside of their bubble if that advice appeals to their own self-interest and preservation. I remember reading that $cientology had hired one of the big reputation management firms awhile ago–was it Sitrick or Levick? Whoever it was, maybe he will hear echoed from them what he has read here at the Bunker and finally give it some credence. Maybe…but I most certainly agree, tragically, probably not.

            • dchoiceisalwaysrs

              I have no idea about the management firm. Any link or data source available for that? As to addressing the self interests and preservation to focus on in order to a turn about of the product to align with what would be beneficial and wise products is an interesting tact. Turning vices into virtue would be rather shall we say ‘magical’.
              Well maybe not possible what I see you saying is that vice compulsive force can be redirected or rechanelled. I am wondering if there are data which can support evidence of that keeping in mind that in your protagonist in crisis anecdote might yield some insight if the protagonist was himself queried.
              What are the risks in taking such a tact? Would a Himmler or a Stalin be enabled? Do we see David’s coup of hubbards scientology and his subsequent lawyer backed IRS submission and the onto his again lawyer backed evasion of justice in the Lisa McPherson murder case a reenforcement of the destructive behaviour? Along that line, I wonder, if malignant megalomania or narcsissim is a learned syndrome.
              I of course ask these questions as a layman, but greatly enjoy the learning as I search for information which I will do now. Perhaps the study of criminality and the attempts to rehabilitate will be where I venture next.

            • PerpetualOutflow

              I will look for a link to that firm and get back to you.

            • PerpetualOutflow

              Dchoice, if you Google Sitrick and Scientology, lots of items should come up. It looks like they hired him in 2008 when the Tom Cruise video was leaked and the Anon protests began. I see he was working for them as late as 2013, but I’m not sure what has happened after that. One thing is for sure though, given how they’ve fared in the public eye in recent years, either he isn’t working for them anymore, he is giving them really bad advice, or…shocker…they aren’t listening to his advice.

            • dchoiceisalwaysrs

              thanks I will review it.

            • dchoiceisalwaysrs
            • PerpetualOutflow

              Wow, thanks for sharing this. It was written before I started reading the Bunker. So Hill and Knowlton represented the clampire in its darkest hour with the Time mag catastrophe and the rising of the Anonymous protests against them, but the relationship predictably soured, H&K tried to drop them as a client, and the “church” did what it knows best how to do and sued H&K. Hahahahahaha. Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas. Especially this dog.

            • PerpetualOutflow

              Heartbreaking to read Lori Hodgkins’ letter to Sitrick about herand her parents being disconnected from her two children and incomprehensible to think that the Sitrick folks callously ignored it. I so hope that isn’t true. Watch out Sitrick. This won’t end well for you either. You can count on it.

            • dchoiceisalwaysrs

              Absolutely heartbreaking, Lori is an incredible and beautiful lady and I hope her family circle of love and connection becomes whole again soon. I would say the odds in favor of that increase daily .
              I caution against presumption regarding Sitrick folks. Do we have any evidence as to regarding how they responded ?
              I know naught, yet I can conceive that Mr Michael Sitrick discovered because of Lori’s letter, that David Miscavige has a black heart. Subsequently M Sitrick took it upon himself, outside of contract and professional obligations, to make personal anonymous cash donations equal to or greater than what his company took in from scientology and put it to an effort which are working to bring an end to dangerous mind control cults like scientology.
              Sometimes my hope springs eternal. Owners of companies have children as do the employees of said company.

            • PerpetualOutflow

              Wow. I’m floored.

            • dchoiceisalwaysrs

              Just in case……please note that I said ‘I can conceive…..that subsequently…et al…’
              I didn’t say that is what happened….only that I can imagine that it is possilble…it MIGHT have happened.

            • PerpetualOutflow

              I want to live in YOUR world where people always surprise you for the better.

            • dchoiceisalwaysrs

              hhmmm, what is true in my imagination is not always true in the real world. ha ha

    • WhatAreYourCrimes

      As much as your post makes absolute sense to the well being of the organization called scientology, I truly wish for a quick non-violent implosion of scientology rather than any positive changes that might help its future existence.

      The whole disgusting “thing” that is scientology was hatched from the mind of an utterly despicable human, LRH, who deserves all the ridicule and vilification that the world seems to be finally flinging his way. There is no more fear of this “church”, simply loathing and contempt. It is inevitably dying, and its death throes are almost pathetic to watch.

      • PerpetualOutflow

        I completely agree with you. However, whether in jest or not, when I saw Tony’s remark that he thinks DM reads the Bunker every day, I wondered if there might be anything that could be said that he might see that might plant a seed with him that change is in his own best self interest as well as the interests of the organization about which he purports to care. While I would prefer to see the demise of the whole organization because it was built on a thoroughly corrupt and dishonest foundation, I would also like to see an immediate alleviation of the tremendous suffering of ex-members and their families, sea org members and staff, and even the rank and file still ins. The years are passing and many are cut off from their loved ones. They can’t afford to wait until the organization completely implodes, if it ever does. If the organization were to survive by doing away with its most grievous and unethical practices, well, I would consider that a win, too, and the next best thing to its demise.

        • Missionary Kid

          Nothing is gonna change his pattern of thought. He is sitting in the cat’s seat, with money and power. He obviously isn’t into self-examination. $cientology works for him because he controls everything. Why should he change?

          As a narcissist, everyone else is just an actor on his stage.

          • PerpetualOutflow

            True enough, but I’m positing that at some point money and power may not be enough as he personally has become a laughing stock with his reputation in shreds and his organization is going down the tubes. He sits alone amidst those who fear him watching as Rome burns. Will he go down with the ship or will be finally acquire some wisdom about a course of action that might prevent its further and final demise? Alas, you are likely right that that will never be a strong enough motivation for him to change, but it’s interesting to think about.

            • Missionary Kid

              As a classic narcissist, he doesn’t really care what other people think, so that won’t bring about change. In his limited world, he is always right, so why should he change?

              He wouldn’t consider that he is going down with the ship, because he’ll always have a number of lackeys to follow his wishes. They will follow him out of either fear, zeal, or money.

            • PerpetualOutflow

              So hard for me to grasp the thinking and behavior of narcissists and psychopaths. I can see I must have forgotten everything I once read about narcissists. I thought they really did care, deep down, what people think of them, desperately want to be liked, and perceive anything short of adulation from people as a threat.

            • Missionary Kid

              You are assuming that a narcissist, somewhere inside them, does care about others. If they did at one time, it’s been buried deep so it’s not in their makeup. They want praise, but anything that they regard as criticism is disregarded, or turned around and used as fodder to attack the person who offered it.

              Trump is a prime example. Anything that is critical or not laudatory is “fake news”. The only person that Trump cares about is himself. He is always right when he says things.

    • The watch this:
      I love this guy 🙂

      • Andrea ‘i-Betty’ Garner

        Liberace would proud.

      • abdaman

        He thinks the lion is his alter ego, maybe a tabby cat.

    • daisy

      It most definitely was not an artful joke, it was a cruel one. Kind people were invested in your well being. It was stupid and not even grin worthy. I suggest a class and or psychiatrist . Attention seeking asshole. What a big waste of time you were .

      • I think his involvement with Scientololololgy was an Artful Joke.

        • daisy

          …. and if that is so a waste of time for a Tony , a busy journalist. I did not make fun of him and gave my sympathies for what he was going through. He pisses me off. He was also the cause of dissention among us Completely unnecessary , Tool

          • Ok.. I obviously have missed something, but i did noticed he deleted all Scientology related Tweets from his accounts and apparently he has suffered no permanent damage at all, from his “terrible” ordeal from the “Disconnection” of scientology. Hmm… Also noticed that he has many other high-profile connections outside the scio bubble, so maybe all this scio stuff was just another of his stunts.

    • Kestrel

      It would seem that the new management team is attempting to build something from the ashes of the last effort at stardom … or relevance.

  • OTVIIIisGrrr8!

    Finally someone got the message. The SFV Ideal Org is throwing a birthday party for COB. Now COB is happy and feels some ARC.

    • abdaman

      Ass Really Cramping?

  • Happy Walpurgisnacht to The Asthmatic Dwarf

    (below Dm’s head on my picket ‘pike’)

    STILL NO OTS IN SCIENTOLOGY, or you would not be reading this line of text.

    April 30th in Germany is called Walpurgisnacht or Hexennacht, meaning Witches’ Night or May day eve… also called Witches Night

    The corporate entity that owns scientology, owns RTC… has the registered name of:
    “The Church of Spiritual Technology” see

    The corporate fiscal year ending for CST is April 30th
    April 30th is also the day Hitler chose to commit (or fake) suicide.
    April 30th is also witches day, it is the most holy day in Satanism other than one’s OWN birthday…
    One’s own birthday, is the holiest day in the OTO brand of Satanism.
    David Miscavige’s Birthday is.. April 30th…
    And, Goebbels was appointed Prime Minister on April 30th by Hitler
    Anton LaVey founded the Church of Satan on…April 30th. (1)

    Hubbard knew this, he used numerology, and DM’s Birthday might just be why DM appeared to be favored by Hubbard when he was first in the Sea Org, in the CMO, where he was nicknamed “The Asthmatic Dwarf” by Suzette Hubbard, who was CMO I/C at the time. DM would lean over the railing, cupping his hands over his asthma inhaler to hide it from view, hence, the nickname “The Asthmatic Dwarf” (3)(4)


    PS: DM, dem boots don’t fit…

    • dchoiceisalwaysrs

      Great to have you visit Arnie. Thanks for all you have done over the decades.

      • Thanks dcchoiceisalwaysrs

        The holiest day in satanism is no trifling matter to an asthmatic dwarf for whome it is the REAL WHY behind his ascension.

        • dchoiceisalwaysrs

          I am as always curious to gain more understanding, hell the whole universe seems to be constructed of rabbit holes set amongst the black hole and whatever other realms of energy are in play. Although this may not be the time and place or blog to go into much detail I invite you to share with me your knowledge and understanding of the REAL WHY . I have not always seen eye to eye with your conclusions but your eclectic search has certainly yielded some insights . Do you happen to know how I can find a low cost copy of the political ponerism book? I would like to read it and jusxtapose it to Eric Fromm’s “Anatomy of Human Destructiveness”

    • Missionary Kid

      Tory Bazazian is now known as Tory Christman. You guys deserve a lot of credit.

    • Lot’s of stuff happen on that date 🙂

  • Science Doc

    Hey Dave! Only four more years and you’re fifty-eleven!

  • EmmaDaoust
    • WhiteCentauress

      Dorian Gray shoop?

      • EmmaDaoust

        Oh yes please. I’m shoop-challenged.

        Oops, I mean, if you’re offering!

        • WhiteCentauress

          I am offering. Nursing carpel tunnel, but rested today. Will start on that ASAP. I like that idea, and I’ve done some “Old Davy” images I can use for parts of it. It will be a bit complicated if I do it realistically. Feel free to suggest. If I think it’s doable, I’ll put it on my list. I loved your last idea. He looked so pompous…😂😂

          • daisy

            We are enjoying your shoops but do not do so at the risk of pain and health.

            • WhiteCentauress


          • EmmaDaoust

            Oh, Who, I have bilateral carpal tunnel – had surgery on left hand 1 1/2 years ago and reconsidering whether it’s worth having it on my right hand. I also have deQuervain’s tendonitis. Don’t overdo it! That said, your shoops are brilliant.

  • WhiteCentauress

    Maybe he just needs a tall hat….

    • Taffy Sinclair

      A stovepipe hat, like Abe Lincoln???

  • Taffy Sinclair

    I will give thee COB a good backflashin’ and a Ducati tire slashin’!!!!

    • Taffy Sinclair

      Thats just the kinda bitch
      i be!

  • Mighty Korgo of Teegeeack

    I think you have done really well for yourself and for your cult, Dave. It can’t be easy keeping a nut cult going now that the cat is out of the bag. You’ve got the celebs, tax status and a load of expensive real estate, and suckers rich and poor who will defend you to the end. But, immortal thetan or not, a few things must cross your mind:

    What happened to OT and Clear? Have you ever thought about producing just one real OT, maybe just to get the naysayers off your back?

    Who is going to be in charge of the racket after you’re gone? I’ve had my will in order for decades (we’re about the same age) and I hardly own anything compared to you. At 57 you want to have your house in order.

    Why no kids? You’re still a nice looking man and an executive. Women will still be attracted to you but that won’t last forever. Don’t you ever think about children? It’s hard to keep up with little ones when you get older. Believe me, I know. Come to think of it, are you ever going to go Tone 40 on reconciling with the rest of the family? None of my relatives have ever written a tell-all about me. You have two that have done it and I understand your sister is not, shall we say, walking the straight and narrow either.

    Get audited for height! Hubbard can make genitals bigger. He can probably make the rest of you bigger, too. I suspect an engramic cause for your being a little guy. Personally, I would never make fun of someone’s height because I don’t think we have much control over it, but as a Scientologist you might be able to turn it around. It’s worth a try.

    The wife. Take the marriage course. I heard that she is not looking too good but with a bit of hair dye and a few months in the gym you’d still be proud to take her around to see your fancy friends.

    How’s L.Ron? Do you talk to him much? Thetans can move awfully quick so there is no reason for him not to visit. You think he’d send a telepathic message now and then. How is he doing clearing the galaxy?

    It’s good that you’re keeping a low profile. The more you speak the nuttier you and your cult will seem. Say the wrong thing and the FBI will be on you quicker than you can say “enturbulation”. And you know what they did to Mary Sue.

    If I were you I’d think about giving it up and buying an island in the Caribbean. You can build a big house, swim by a reef, maybe take up sailing just like the old man once did. Let some other Scientologist get left holding the bag when the authorities come in. Heber is a likely prospect. I bet he would take the mantle of authority just to get out of the hole. And even if the FBI doesn’t swoop down, somebody close is going to notice that the numbers don’t add up. It could be Kirstie or Duggan or somebody you have never heard of. If I were you, I’d rather be swimming when they start getting mad.

    Anyway, enjoy yourself on your birthday. I recommend the Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake. Not one of your chefs could equal it.

    As always,


  • Prim

    Dave, please die in a grease fire. Thanks.

  • downtherabbithole

    F*%^ you David and I hope your birthday is as miserable as can be.

    • downtherabbithole

      Had to get that off my mind….

      • Taffy Sinclair

        Your mouth to G-d’s ears.

        • downtherabbithole

          Oh if only he would answer my darn prayers. What is he deaf?

  • Taffy Sinclair

    Yes, I have another gift to Apple-Crate Miss’Savage.

    A framed pic from Lisa’s autopsy. May it haunt you forever like it does to me, you toad-like piece of fecal matter.

    There I go again! Insulting fecal matter!

    • Missionary Kid

      Apple-Crate Miss’Savage will be added to the list.

      • Taffy Sinclair

        happy to help!!

        • Missionary Kid

          If you refresh, you’ll see it on the list.

          • Taffy Sinclair

            Sweet! Thanks, Missionary Kid!!!

  • Jimmy3
  • Missionary Kid

    (*) (it’s supposed to look like a poodle’s …ermm… “kibble exit”). 
    (dic)tator tot
    $lappy Mc$horty
    4′ 13”
    5-foot Honey Badger
    A most Heinous & Hyddeous (withal Minute) Villain**
    A person of dubious height
    a scotch-swilling, demented, back-stabbing, psychotic hobbit fuck 
    A.B. Davey (For Apple Box, which he needs to stand on so he can look like he has normal height)
    Abbot of Anger
    Administrator of Ecclesiastical Beatings Most Holy
    Admiral Assclown
    Angry Drunken Dwarf Jr. (The original was on Howard Stern)
    Angry Elf
    Angry Homunculus
    Angry Shrimp
    Ankle Biter
    Apolocalyptic Dave
    Apple Box Davy
    Apple Box Socks Miscavige
    Apple-Crate Miss’Savage
    Area 51 (height in ft.& inches)
    Ass Captain
    Asthmatic Dwarf
    Atilla the Shun
    Attila the Runt
    Baby Troll
    Babycorn COB
    Bag Of Crap Chairman Of the Board: BOCCOB
    Bally Llama
    Beloved Leader
    Big Bean
    Big Bean 2
    Big Being
    Big Burrito
    Big Flea
    Big lil One
    Big Mouthkavige 
    Big Thetan
    Big Top Slappy
    biggest little thetan
    Biggest Squirrell in the Gal-UX-ah
    biggest thetan in the universe
    Billion Year Asshole
    Bishop of Baloney
    Bishop of bullshit…
    bitty boots
    Bitty Miscaviage (also the name of his sister-in law: he’s the little bitty one)
    blab hearted midget 
    Black Heart MFCS
    Black-Hearted Squirrel Smasher
    Blackberry Pope
    Blackheart Dildo
    Blackheart Most Devious
    Blathering pompadoured nancyboy
    blow chunks
    Bog Dave Miscavige
    Boss Miscarriage
    Brilliant commander (snark)
    Bubba’s Ass Bitch
    C5-1 (Captain + height in ft & inches)
    Cabbage head
    Calamity of Brutality (COB)
    Caligula of $cientology
    Cancerous gnome
    Cap’n Lord Hubris
    Capo di tutti capi of all of Scientology’s tentacles
    Capt. Miscadick 
    Captain Baby Blackheart
    Captain Blackheart
    Captain Blackheart McSlavich
    Captain Blackheart, SS Division
    Captain Brazen Lair Pants on Fire
    Captain caveman.
    Captain Clam
    Captain Clamo
    Captain Crook
    Captain D. Mousetrapiege
    Captain Dastardly Motherf***er
    Captain Davey McRevenge-ige
    Captain Davey Mistreatage
    Captain David “he is NOT insane!” Miscavige 
    Captain David Mendacious
    Captain David Mistakevige
    Captain Death March 
    CAPTAIN Decomposing Meat 
    Captain Dickwad
    Captain Dildo Dave
    Captain Douchebag Dave
    Captain Douchenozzle Mcsucknuts 
    Captain Dungy Misleadervige
    Captain Five One (feet and inches)
    Captain Footbullet
    captain fucktard
    Captain Knee-High
    Captain Lilliput
    Captain Little Rodent
    Captain McBarmykins
    Captain McCabbage
    Captain McShortSquirt
    Captain Mesquinho
    Captain Mini-stabby
    Captain Miniature
    Captain Miscavige, Pope Homunculus I, Defender of the Absolute Certainty
    Captain Mischiefitch
    Captain Miskiewicz
    Captain Miss Scavenge 
    Captain MissedtheBoat
    Captain Misslappy
    Captain Munchkin
    Captain niblet (see niblet)
    Captain of a ship of fools
    Captain One Five Five (Centimeters)
    Captain Pain
    Captain Piece of Shit
    Captain Pissgums**
    Captain Pope
    Captain Pretentious
    Captain Puppeteer
    Captain Scammypants
    Captain Scary Shitface
    Captain Shortypants
    Captain Sixty-One (height in inches)
    Captain Tiny
    Captain Tiny Minitoons
    Captain Tiny Turd
    Captain Underoos 
    CaptainPope Miscavige
    Cardinal of Brutality
    Cardinal Sin
    Cee Oh Bees
    Chairman Chingadera (chairman motherfucker)
    Chairman Mao Miscavige 
    Chairman Maocavige
    Chairman Miscavige
    Chairman Mousecage
    Chairman Mousecavige
    Chairman of the Bored Miscavage
    Chairman Of The Hoard
    Chairman of the Whores
    ChairMao Of the Bored
    Chairmidget of the Bored
    Chairmonkey of the Board
    Charlatan of the Bored
    Chastiser Of Beatings
    Chastiser of Bivalves
    Chastiser of Bivalves 
    Chef Miscavige
    Chicken Of the Board
    Chief Bug Squasher
    Chief Bullshit Shitter
    Chief Rabbi of Insidiousness
    Chief Sitting Bullshit 
    Chuckles the Silly Piggy
    chunk head
    Chunky Head
    Chunky nuts
    Cider Stool Dave
    Clam Calamity
    Clam King
    Clam of God
    clown pope
    COB (chairmain of the buffoons)
    COB (chairman of the Brainwashed) 
    COB the KNOB
    Cobbers the Cruel. 
    Coiffed Con Most High
    Cold and Devilishous
    Colonel Mustard 
    Command Intention Dwarf
    Con Master
    Constipated Old Bollix
    Convict No. OTVIII
    Corn in the COB
    Corn on the COB Miscavage
    Corrector General of Tubby Hubby
    Corrupt Obtuse Blasphemer
    Count Derpula
    Count Miscavige
    Count Of Vampirology
    Count Snaggletooth
    Count Yorga, vampire
    Court Ducker
    Coward of Brainwashville
    Coward of the Board
    COZ – Chairman of the Zombitologists
    Creepy Dave
    Creepy Hobbit Fucktard
    Curretted Own Bollocks
    D!ckless Maggot
    Daddy’s Mistake
    Daffy Davey Mustravage
    Daffy Misfit
    Daft Davy
    Daft Massingill
    Daft Midget
    Daft Misfit
    Daft Monk
    Dai Scwatbotwm*
    Dainty Dave
    Dainty Davy Dingbat
    Dainty Divot
    Dainty Don
    Dainty Maize 
    Dainty Maniac
    Dainty Mcsuckige
    Dainty MiniPope
    Dainty Miss
    Dainty Monarch
    Dainty Mouse
    Dainty Scabbybitch 
    Damage Mismanage
    Damaged Mistletoe
    Damian Meanman 
    Damien MissRuntRage
    Damn Miscreant 
    Damned Misconception Miscavige
    Damp Merkin
    Damsel Miscavige
    Dance Macabe
    dancing malignancy
    Danger Midget
    Dangling Modifier
    Dangly Mousdroppings
    Dank Muppet
    Dante MiscAntichrist 
    Dapper Misappropriate
    Dark Dwarf
    Dark Helmet
    Dark Helmet
    Dark Lord
    Dark Menace
    dark midget
    Dark Mold
    Dark Muppet 
    Darkly Mistaken
    Darling Donkey Davey
    Darth Midget  
    Darth Miniscule
    Darth Munchkin
    Darvon Mckluckin 
    Das Messiah 
    Das Midget
    Dastardly Dave
    Dastardly Davey
    Dastardly Malicious
    Dastardly Mindfucker
    Dat Maniac
    Dave ‘Crashing Stats’ Miscavige
    Dave “Tiny Fists of Fury” Miscavige
    Dave (the punisher) McLouse-infected 
    Dave Cracksavige
    Dave Dastardly
    Dave Misbegotten 
    Dave Miskiewicz
    Dave Mismanagement Miscavige
    Dave Pakman
    Dave Savage Miscavige
    Dave the Dickless
    Dave the diminuative
    Dave the Divot
    Dave, the whimp-ass-abuser, Miscavige
    Davey “Fake Navy” Miscavige
    Davey Boy 
    Davey Death Eater
    Davey dick sucker
    Davey Dimwit
    Davey dingleberry
    Davey do-as-I-say-not-what-I-do
    Davey DoLittle
    Davey Downstat
    Davey DoWrongavige
    Davey DreamSmasher
    Davey GatBoy II
    Davey Little Caesar Miscavig
    Davey Little Cockett 
    Davey Mae
    Davey Makadamonich
    Davey Makemerich
    Davey MasCara
    Davey McCraycray
    Davey McDoRightWrong
    Davey McIntosh
    Davey McMansion
    Davey McTard
    Davey McWeeny 
    Davey Mickraker
    Davey Micromanage
    Davey Mindfucker
    Davey Mini-Mogullige 
    Davey Minidick
    Davey Miniman
    Davey Mis-Scummige
    Davey Misbitch
    Davey Miscreant
    Davey Miscumbucket
    Davey Misfudgekut
    Davey Mooseknuckle
    Davey Moppet
    Davey Moron
    Davey Motts
    Davey Muchomierda-vig
    Davey Mystic Miscavage
    Davey of the Fake Navy
    Davey Scumbotaige
    Davey Scurvey-Dick**
    Davey Second Source
    Davey Shrimpavige
    Davey Smartmouthavige 
    Davey Smudgebucket
    Davey SwindleSavage
    Davey the Ball-less Wonder
    Davey the Despot
    Davey the Douche
    Davey the Liquidator
    Davey Threeballs (extra testosterone for staff assault)
    Davey, The Little Caterpillar That Couldn’t 
    David “biting midge” Miscavige
    David “El Chapo” Miscavige
    David “fucking psychopath” Miscavige
    David “he is NOT insane!” Miscavige
    David “Rob-The-Hood” Miscavige
    David “Two Tents” Miscavige
    David “Let Him Die” Miscavige
    David Abortion
    David Belowaverage
    David Cusshavage
    David De Fib
    David Dickus Microscopous Miscavige
    David Diminiscavige
    David Macsavage
    David Makemerich
    David MaskaBitch
    David McPrickFaceCavige
    David Melowaverage
    David MESTcabbage
    David Mi$cavige
    David Midget
    David Minisculavige 
    David Minisculvige
    David Mis Manange 
    DAvid Mis-Boondoggle
    David Miscalalaladingdong
    David Miscalalaladingdong
    David Miscalculation
    David Miscariage-of-Justice
    David MisCATvish 
    David Misclampage
    David Miscmidget 
    David Miscrab-itch  
    David Miscshit-rash 
    david miselvis
    David Misfit
    David Misgarbage
    David MisJudgement
    David Mislead-iscavige
    David MisMaggot
    David Mismanagement
    David Misplacedhisbitch
    David Misreallyisansob
    David MissCatShit
    David Misscock
    David MissDickswallow
    David Monstervige  
    David MunchinMonsteravige
    David MustDieAvichs
    David Napoleon Miscavige
    David Potty-Mouthscavige
    David PsychoSavige
    David Savage Miscavige 
    David Slapabitch
    David tatertot Miscavige
    David The Dwarf 
    David the Faux Goliath
    David The Fuck Miscavige
    David the Mousehearted
    DavidKaren PouwMiscavige
    Davie McShrimpige 
    Davie Miscabies
    Davie Muffcabbage
    Davos Mustravage, the evil child-catcher
    Davy “Apple Box” Miscavige
    Davy Bones
    Davy Dinkyfuhrer
    Davy Dipshit
    Davy Dwarfenführer
    Davy MisSasquatch
    Davy Moppet
    Davy Mustravage
    Davy Peabrain 
    Davy S.U.A.V.E. (Straight up and vertical equivocator)
    Davy Thumb
    Davy Wavy Gravy
    De Mindfuck
    Dead Meat
    Deadbeat Dave
    Deadbeat Malcontent
    Deadly Dwarf
    Deadly Dwarf
    Dean of Hypocritologists
    Dear Leader (Likening him to the current leader of North Korea)
    dear misleader
    dear misleader
    Death Midge
    Deceitful Masturbator
    Deceitful Mumblemouth 
    Declining Microman
    Decomposing Meat
    Decomposing Mussel 
    Dedicated Misanthrope 
    defective messiah
    Defendant Micromanagement
    Defendant Micropeen
    Defendant Midget
    Defendant Misogynist 
    Defendant Moron
    Definite MisNapping
    Definitely Mediocre 
    Degraded Demented Deluded Deranged Dave Savage Miscavage
    Delicate Mischief 
    Delicate Misogynist
    Delightful Mud-fucker 
    Delirious Macrologist 
    Delirious Megalomaniac
    Deluded McSavage 
    Deluded Mouse
    Delusional Davey
    Delusional Madman
    Delusional Meglomaniac
    Delusional Miscreant 
    Demented Don
    demented maggot
    Demented Manager
    Demented Master
    Demented Midget
    Demented Miscarriage
    Demented Mistake
    Demented Moneygrabber
    demented protege
    Demon Micro-Manager
    Demon Midget
    Demon Mortis
    demon mutt
    Demonic Dildo
    Demonic MidgetMaster
    Demonic Monster
    Demonically Motivated
    Demonstrable Moron
    Denial Manifest
    Denied Mandamus
    Dense Midget
    Deposed Megalomaniac
    Der Dwarfenfuehrer
    Der Flunkenfuhrer
    Der Furor
    Der Kleine Hitler
    Der Kleinegrupenfuhreur (Der Kleine Gruppenführer)
    Der Leader
    Der Manchild
    Der Massengil
    Der Midget
    Der MiniFuehrer
    Der MiniFuhruer
    Der Miscarriage
    der shrimpenheimer
    Der Slapmeister
    Deranged Demented Degraded Dave Rabid Savage Miscavage
    deranged murderer
    Derp Missmatchmidge
    Derpy McClesiastavige 
    Derpy Midget
    Desiccated Milquetoast
    Desperate Mediocrity
    Desperate Midget
    Despicable Malice
    Despicable Me
    Despicable Midget
    Despicable MiniMe
    Despicable Misanthrope 
    Despoiler of Childhood
    Despotic Dwarf
    Despotic Madman
    Despotic Minitaur
    Destiny’s Midget
    Devil Masquerading
    Devil’s Douchebag
    Devil’s Miscarriage
    Devious Malfactor
    Devious Master
    Devious Midget
    Devised Malfeasance
    Devoid Maravigghia (Sicilian, without wonder) 
    diabetes mellitus (a horrible disease)
    Diabolical Davey
    Diarrhea Man
    Diarrheal Movement
    Dick Mask
    Dick Microscopic. 
    Dick Moneygrubber
    Dick on a Box
    Dick Payne
    dick tater
    Dick-less Minister
    Dickbag Miscavige
    Dickhead McDildo
    Dickhole Manipulator
    Dickish Midget
    Dickless Manchild
    Dickless Mastter-bator
    Dickless midget
    Dickless Misogynist
    Dickless Mite
    Dickless Monitor 
    Dickus Microscopis 
    Dickus Minimus
    Dickus Minimus
    Dictator Masquerade
    Dictator Midget 
    Dictator of Mismanagement
    Dictator Tot
    DictatorALot (like SpamALot)
    Diddly Micromanager 
    Diddy Dave
    Diddy Davykins
    Diggity McDog
    Dildo Blackheart 
    Dildo Dave
    Dildo Davey
    Dildo Master
    Dildo Mcmidget 
    Dildo Mcruntage 
    Dildo Minister
    Dildo Missionary
    Dillnozzle McScroteless 
    Dim Fuckmudget
    Dim Miss Radish
    Dim Mucosoid
    Dim Weasel
    Dimbulb Miscalculation
    Dime Manager
    Diminished Mapother
    Diminished Mentation
    Diminished Misfit
    Diminished Profit
    Diminishing Microweenie
    Diminishing Miniscule
    Diminunitive Psychopath 
    Diminutive Anti Christ
    Diminutive Dave
    Diminutive Dave
    diminutive dictator
    Diminutive Dimwit
    Diminutive Dimwit
    diminutive Director 
    Diminutive Dwarf, 
    Diminutive Leader 
    Diminutive Malevolent 
    Diminutive Malignancy
    Diminutive Manchild
    Diminutive Maniac
    Diminutive Master
    Diminutive miscreant
    Diminutive Mouse
    Diminutive Munchkin 
    diminutive sociopathic tyrant
    Dimly Lit Dung Beetle
    Dimly Munchkin
    Dimtard Mass-suckage
    Dimunitive miser
    Dimunitive Miss
    Dimunutive Meddler
    dimwit Davy
    Dimwit Dwarf 
    DimWit McSavage
    Dimwit Midget
    Dimwit Miscavige
    Dimwit Misplacedmybitch 
    Dimwit Moron
    Dimwit Munchkin
    Dimwitted One
    Dimwitted Weasel
    Dimwitus Maximus
    Dinglebat Mi$cavige 
    Dingleberry McDooDoo 
    Dingleberry Meathead
    Dingleberry Miscrapedhispants
    Dink Marauder
    Dinkus Magee
    Dinky D!cky Dave
    Dinky Dick Miscavige
    Dinky Dictator
    Dinky Makemerich
    Dinky Man
    Dinky Massengil
    Dinky Mayor
    Dinky McSavage
    Dinky McSlappage
    Dinky Member
    Dinky Microman
    Dinky Midget
    Dinky Mindfuck
    Dinky Miscavige
    Dinky Misconduct
    Dinky Mismanage
    Dinky Mismanager
    Dinky Miss
    Dinky Moneygrabber
    Dinky Moneygrubber
    Dinky Monster
    Dinky Mousebrain
    Dinky One
    Dip Maldrip
    Dip Mudkip
    Dipshit Miniscule
    DipsoManiacal Crock O’ Bullshit
    Dipstick Mucilage.
    Dipsy Misdriven 
    Dire Malcontent
    Director of Mesothelioma
    Dirt Magnet
    Dirtbag Dave
    Dirtbag Misogynist  
    Dirtbag Mudfuck 
    Dirtbag Muppet
    Dirty MicroPope
    Dirty Mismanage
    Dirty Mistake
    Dirty Mud-spatter
    Dirty Muskrat
    Disadvantage Miscavige
    Disappointed Maus
    Disappointed Menace
    Discalculia Melancholia
    Discivil Meanness
    Disconnection Dickie
    Disconnector of Mothers 
    Disconsolate Meanness
    Discord Munchausen
    Discordant Misconception
    Discreditable Munchkin 
    Dishonest Munchausen
    Dismal Miscreant
    Dismal Missile
    Dismally Miniscule
    Displaced Midget
    Disputatious Malefactor
    Dissolute Mook
    Distant Mutton
    Distillers’ Misanthrope
    Distinguished Moron
    Distracted Malignant
    Disturbing Midshipman
    Dithering Micromanager
    Ditzy Masochist
    Diva Manchild
    Diva Misscabiatch
    Diva of Misery
    Divine Master
    Divot Mashedcabbage
    Divot Mindscavenge
    Dizzard Malicious 
    DLHDM (David “Let Him Die” Miscavige)
    DM Dud
    DM Dude
    Do Lie Lama
    Dodgy Dave
    Dodgy Micromanager
    Dollar Miscavige 
    Dollarbill Madman
    Dolt Mismanage
    Dom Miscavige
    Don Mini-me
    Donkey Mini-Me  
    Doober McStooge
    Doofus Minorus 
    Doofus Mustard-itch 
    Doogie McSlappy
    Doomed Malefactor
    doopid mishitvage 
    Dopey Midget
    Doubledown Miscalamity 
    Douche Baggins
    Douche Meister 
    Douche Micro
    Douchebag Dave
    douchebag miscreant
    Douchecanoe Malificent 
    Douchey Meritorious
    Downstat Dave
    Downstat Miscavige
    Downtrodden Mealyworm
    Dr. Dismal Misfit
    Dr. Dracuscavige
    Dr. Midget
    Draconian Midget
    Dracula Miscavige
    Draft Moron
    Drag Midget Queen
    dRatty McSavage
    Dreadful Mismanager
    Dribbler MisTinkle
    Dribbling Dwarf
    Dribbling Micturant
    Drip Mustrage
    Drivel McMidget
    Droitless Mischief 
    Drunken Cult Operating Pimp (DCOP)
    Drunken Maggot
    Drunken Malefactor
    Dubious Master
    Dubious Microbe 
    Dubious Mustard
    Due Little
    Dufus Maximus
    Duh Mallethead
    Duke of Oil
    Dull Metal 
    Dullard Microbrain
    Dumb ass Dave
    Dumb Makemerich
    Dumb Midget
    Dumbass Mischling 
    Dumbass Moocher
    Dummy Midget
    Dumpy Misscavenger
    Duncecap Dave
    Dung Magnet
    Dung Master
    Dungeon Master
    Dungpuncher Douchebag
    Duplicitous Migraine
    Duplicitous Morbidite 
    Durwood McDumbdick
    Dwarf Boy
    dwarf defendant David Miscavige 
    Dwarf King
    Dwarf Maggot
    Dwarf Master
    Dwarf Megalo-man(iac)
    Dwarf Midget
    Dwarf Miniscule
    dwarf tosser
    Dwarf Vader
    Dwarfe Malignente
    Dwarfen Maggot
    Dwarfish Malignancy
    Dwarfish Munchkin
    Dwarven Massengi
    dwergen fuehrer (dwergen = dwarves)
    Dwindly McSewage 
    Dwindy Minisculiages
    Dysfunctional Minotaur 
    Dyslexic Mangler 
    Dyspeptic Malevolence
    Dyspeptic Misanthrope
    Earl of thetandicks 
    Ecchlesiastical Leader (as MAD magazine would put it)
    Ecclesiastical Dildo
    Ecclesiastical Emir of Enemas and Ejaculates
    ecclesiastical midget
    Ecclesiastical Midget.
    Ecclesiastipope Miscavige
    eccsleazeiastical leader
    Ecsleazeiastical Leader
    El Davito
    El Dwarfo
    El Muchacho Pequeño, (trans. The small boy).
    El niño de gran jefe, (trans. The big boss boy) 
    El Wacko
    Eleventy star general
    Emperor Clampatine, His most Minuscule
    Emperor Miscavige
    Emperor of Clams
    Emperor Slappamus Ultravox 
    Enrique Entheta (family nickname!)
    Eric Cartman (ref: South Park)
    esleaziastical leader
    Evil Genius
    Evil Midget
    Evil Midget Troll
    Evil overload
    Evil short Tyrant
    Fake Humanitarian.
    Fake Navy Davy
    Fearful Fud
    Fearful Leader With Ten Little Piggy Toes 
    Fearless Leader
    Ferret on Steroids
    Fights-Like-A-Weak-Girly-Then-Runs-Away **
    Five Foot One
    Fleet Admiral Fistfuck
    Fleet Admiral MissCabin 
    Fleet Admiral MissCabin 
    Fleet Admiral Wankstain
    Fleet Enema(Trademark)
    Fluffy Little Tail 
    Flying monkey
    Footbullet Emperor of the GuhLAXy
    Fork Tongue
    Former Mighty Mouse Miscavige
    Four Foot Thirteen
    Freddy Footbullet
    Fuck Face
    Fucking Megalomaniac
    Furious Homunculus
    Furious Midget
    Furry Fists of Fury
    Future Jailbird
    Ghenghis McSavage 
    God-Emperor of Hemet
    Grand Dwarf
    Grand Ecclesiatical Leader
    Grand Exalted Mollusk Monarch
    Grand Poohbah and Ecclesiastical Scammaster
    Grand Poop
    Grand Pope
    Grand Religious Poobah
    gravy Davy
    Ham Hock
    Hard Face
    He Who Adds Misplaced Commas
    He Who Must Be Blamed
    He Who Must Be Obeyed.
    He Who Must Be Shamed
    He Who Rants About Semicolons 
    He Who Should Probably Wear Lifts
    He Who We Love To Name
    Heartless Knave 
    Helmet Hair
    Here’s group 4A4 of DM nicknames.
    Herr Capitaine Miscavige
    High School Dwarf-Out
    High School Dwarf-Out (Commander, O-5)
    High school dwarf-out.
    His Ass-Holiness, the Dwope (dwarf + pope) of Spyingtology 
    His Asshole-iness 
    His Assholiness
    His Claminess
    His Dark Malevolenc
    His Dmness
    His Ecsleaziastical Eminence
    His Highnessless
    His Holeyness
    His Howlingness
    His Imperial Ecclesiasticalness
    His Imperial Oiliness
    His Imperial Slappiness
    His Imperial Teensyness
    His Inane Ignorance
    His Midgetness
    His Midgetsy
    His Miniature Excellency
    His Minusculeness 
    His Most Ecclesiastical Sleaziness
    His Most Magnanimous Deviousness 
    His Most Oleaginous Highness 
    His Most Oleaginous Highness, Little Lord Fontelroy
    His Oiliness
    His Royal Asshole (HRA) 
    his royal lowness
    His Satanic Pantwetting Majesty
    His Skanktannic Majesty
    His Skantastic Majesty
    His Smallness
    His Smarminess
    His Soil-y-ness
    His tininess 
    His Tiny Popinessess
    His Unholiness
    his wanna-be holiness
    Hisself the Popishness
    Hobbit fuck
    Hollow Heels
    Homunculous Novis 
    Homunculus Horribilis
    Human tiny 
    Idiot Midget
    Igor to “Dr” L. Ron Crankenstein
    Il Douche
    Imam of indecency…
    In Trouble In Texas
    Invisible Toxic Midget
    Itty Bitty Davy 
    Joseph Goebbels
    Judas of ARC
    Keeper of the Keys to The Hole and the RPF and the Bridge.
    Kim Jong Mustravage
    Kim Jung Miscavige
    King Clam
    King cultroach
    King Klown
    King of Footbullets
    King of Seaborgs
    King of the underoos
    King Twat
    Knavey Davey 
    Knee-High Nazi
    L’ill Douche
    Lady Davina Miscavige
    Lafayette Ronnie
    Lafayette’s Baby
    Laughingstock of the internet
    LCon’s bootboy
    Le Nain Mortelle (The Deadly Dwarf)
    leatherfaced midget
    Legal Lilliputian 
    Leroy’s Bitch (a prison name)
    lil Captain
    Lil D 
    lil davey the demented dwarf of Dumfook Land
    Lil Demon Dave
    Lil FiveOne (feet & inches)
    Lil FiveOne: a psycho
    lil fuhrer 
    Lil Kim Jong Deuce 
    lil moron  
    lil slap crazy pope
    Lil’ Davey
    Lil’ Davey Limpdick
    Lil’ Despot
    Lil’ four thirteen
    Lil’ Leader
    Lil’ Pope
    Lil’ Ronnie Humptypants
    Lil’ Davey the Mythomaniac
    Lilliputian dingdong
    Lilliputian Lunatic
    Lily-livered leader in Lobbs
    Lily-livered leader in Lobbs
    limpdick, who can’t get it up
    Little Big Man
    Little Bitch
    Little Bitty One
    Little Boots
    Little Bottom
    Little Butcher
    Little Caesar
    Little Caesar
    Little Captain
    Little Davey Blue
    Little Davey Misanthrope
    Little Davy Square Pants
    Little Diablo
    Little Dick
    little Dick Turd
    Little Dirk Digger
    Little Divot
    Little Duck Dick
    Little ferret 
    little fidget 
    Little Fist
    Little Fisticuff 
    Little Fucker
    little furry Enemy
    Little Hitler 
    Little Lord Fontelroy
    Little Lord Pompadour
    Little Midget Dick Blister 
    little midget dickblister
    Little Miz Bitch
    Little Monkey
    Little Napoleon
    Little Nero
    Little One
    little preposterous Pope
    Little Rat
    Little Shit
    Little Tator Tot the Dicktator
    Littlest Caligula  
    Littlest Despot
    Littlest Führer
    Littlest Miscavenger
    Littleus Minimus
    Lord High Clam
    Lord Hubris
    Lord Hubris von Nebraska
    Lord Minimus
    Lord Miscavige
    Lord of Darkness
    Lord of the Blessed Isles beyond the IRS.
    Lord of the Clams
    Lord of the Footbullet
    Lord Thumbscrew 
    Louche Douche 
    Lying King
    Machiavellian Midget
    Mad – scabbage
    Mad Hatter Miscavige
    mad king
    Mad Monarch
    madman midget
    malevolent homunculus
    Malevolent Machiavellian Midget
    Malevolent Midget
    Malicious Dwarf
    Malignant Dwarf
    Malignotov Davidovich
    Man of Steal
    Man of the Scotch 
    man toddler
    Maniacal Midget
    maniacal munchkin
    Master Con
    Maus König 
    Mavid Discavige
    McDivot Backstabbage
    Mean Missy Cavige
    Mean-spirited Midget
    Measly Dumbass
    meglomaniac middget
    megomaniacal douchebag
    mental midget
    Merchant of Chaos  
    Merchant of Merde
    Mexican Midget Wrestler
    Micro man
    micro miscavige 
    Microscopic Madman 
    Midget Bitch
    Midget Dictator
    Midget dummy Soupy Stalin 
    Midget Dwarf Miscatbitch 
    Midget fascist pseudo pop-up pope
    midget fuckstick
    Midget Makemerich
    Midget Miscavige
    Midget Mouse
    Midget Mussolini 
    Midget Robespierre 
    Midget Ron Burgandy of cults
    Midget Troll
    mighty mental midget
    Mighty MEST
    mighty midget
    Mighty Mini Mistakige
    Mighty Mite
    Mighty Mouse
    Mighty Mousecavige
    Mighty MouseScabige 
    Mighty Mousse
    mighty mousse
    militant midget
    Mini Caesar
    Mini Dink
    Mini Hitler
    Mini Me
    Mini Stalin 
    Mini Tyrant
    Mini-Mountebank Miscsavage
    Miniature Captain
    Miniature Machiavelli 
    miniature mobster
    Minimus Maximus
    Miniscule Miscreant
    Minister of Malice
    Minunitive Minotaur
    minute Miscavige
    Miscavamatics (for his scientology math)
    Miscavarallies (for his morgue openings and other annual events)
    Miscy Mouse
    miserable asthmatic misanthropic pissmire
    Misfit Midget
    Misfit Toy
    Miss Cabbage
    Miss Carnage
    MISS cavige
    Miss Crab-itch  
    Miss D. Meaner
    miss manage
    Miss scab balls
    Miss Tradgedy
    Miss Tragic
    Missing Gasket
    Missy Miscavige
    Mister Missed Miscarriage
    Mister Piece of Shit
    Mister Scab-itch
    Miz Bitch
    Miz Panty Bitches
    Miz Panty Britches
    Mohammad’s Momma (a prison name)
    Money Badger
    Money Miscavige 
    Montana Munchausen
    Most Unctuous Oleaginosity
    Motivated Demon
    Mouse king
    mouse King-Machiavellian midget-asthmatic dwarf 
    Mouse-caviage, rodent king of the clams
    Mouse-caviege His hole-iness
    Mouseking Midget
    Mousey McScaviage
    Mousketeer Malice 
    Mr Stacked-heels.
    Mr. Avid Missilecatcher
    Mr. Cabbage
    Mr. D. Mistaken4 aMan
    Mr. Davey Mae Miscavige
    Mr. David MisDuplicity
    Mr. Derpid Minotaur 
    Mr. Itty Bitty
    Mr. Micromanage
    Mr. MisAsshole 
    Mr. Miscabitch
    Mr. Miscabitch
    Mr. Munchkin
    Mr. Psycho
    Mr. Slappy Toes
    Mr. Supreme Mighty Midgetscavige 
    Mr. Tantrum Man
    Mr. Weebody
    Ms Scabbitch
    Muff Cabbage 
    Munchkin Banshee
    Musty McFudgepacker 
    Nadir Leader
    nain sauvage (French for savage dwarf)
    Napoleon Mismanage 
    Nasty Little Puke-Face**
    Needle dick
    Nero McSavage 
    niblet (Ref: corn on the COB)
    Nincompope of Scientology
    Nipple Head (Where the top of his head brings him in relation to many women).
    Not David Mismancha
    Not David Misquixote
    Not-So-Secret Squirrel
    NotQuite51 (height in ft.& inches)
    noxious nanoid
    Oberslappenfuherer Miscavige
    Obispo Es Bajo De Cajones(¨the short-as-fuck bishop)
    Oil sucker
    oily fucker
    One Fifty Five (his height in centimeters)
    One hundred and fifty-five centimeters of mean
    One more fuckup
    One shoe short of a midget.
    Oompa Loompa
    Org Ogre Most Unctuous,
    Osama Bin Davey
    overdressed Ooompa Loompa 
    Padre of Pendejos (father of dickheads)
    Padre of Perdition
    Pajillero Pontiff (the wanker pontiff)
    Papal Duncio
    paper tiger shrimp
    Paranoid Megalomaniac Sociopath
    pathetic psychopath
    Patron Convictus
    Pee Wee Herman
    Pee Wee McBully
    person of dubious height
    person of interest Miscavige
    Petite pontificating ponce
    petite tyrant
    Petty Little Bitch – Mareka Brousseau
    Petulant Pontiff
    Pharaoh Miscavige 
    Pied Viper
    pimp ass’d weasel “leader”
    Pimp Imp 
    Pimp-Slappy Mi$cavidge
    Pimpo Novis
    Pinnochio on a Toadstool 
    pinocchio on a footstool
    Pint sized pontiff
    Pint sized tyrant
    Pint-sized Fuhrer
    Pipsqueak Pope
    Piscop of pissants. (Piscop=bishop in old English)
    Pissant Toadstool
    Planned Parenthood poster child.
    Pocket Pope 
    Poison Pope
    Pompadour Davey
    Pompous Pope of Perdition
    Pompous Pustulance
    Pontifex Minimus
    Poop of Scientology
    Pope Asshole II
    Pope Captain Blackheart
    Pope Ecclesiasticus
    Pope Homunculus I
    Pope in Pampers
    Pope Jerk
    Pope Jerk
    Pope L CON Hubbard the second
    Pope Niblet
    Pope of Blackberry
    Pope of Clam Chowder
    Pope of Clamotology
    Pope of Clams
    Pope of Clearwater
    Pope of Paranoia  
    Pope of Penquins.
    Pope of Perdition
    Pope of Potty Mouth
    Pope of Scientology
    pope of sillyology
    Pope of Sps
    Pope on the Box
    Pope Pompadorable
    Pope Tronmatic Sack Disorder
    Popey the SeaOrg man
    Potty Chair Kid
    potty-mouthed psychopath 
    Power Mad Twerp
    Poxy pud
    Prickus Americanus 
    Priest of perversity… 
    Prince Humperdink
    Prisoner #4747474747
    Prophet of Pain
    Pseudo Pope
    pseudo scientific evangelist 
    Pseudo-Pope of the Unholy Alleged Church 
    Psycho Smurf
    Psychopath Wanker Pontiff
    psychopathic pompadoured pimp
    psychotic munchkin dictator  
    Punchin’ Munchkin 
    Punching Pontiff.
    Punching Pope
    Punchy Dweeble
    Quark Brain
    Rabbi of Righteousness 
    Rabid MisCabbage
    Rabid Piscabidge**
    Ramrod Ron
    Rancid Rat
    Ratty Bratty Slappy
    Rear Admiral Shortarse and bottoms
    Rodent of Unusual Size
    Ron Burgundy of Cults
    Royal Ankle Biter
    Royal Douche nozzle 
    Ruinous Runt
    Runt in Charge.
    Runt Squirrel 
    Runty Dinktator
    sadistic dwarf
    sailor boy
    Salacious B. Crumb
    Sauron Miscavige 
    savage Dwarf
    Savage Miscavage 
    Savage Miscavage Mustravage
    Savage Misdickus
    Savage Shrimp
    Sawed-Off Cocksucker
    Scabby Bitch
    Sci Furher
    Scientolgy’s Pope
    Scion Pope
    Scruffy McStuffy
    Scruffy McStuffy, the Tiny Titmouse King
    scum beneath the sewage
    scurvy rat
    Serial Terrorist
    Shirvell’d Dwarf-Balls**
    Shit nugget.
    shitting dwarf 
    Short Asshole
    Short Bus Davy
    Short Bus Shorty
    Short Dave Silvers 
    Short Notice
    Short One
    Short Stack
    Short Stalin
    Shortlock Holmes
    Shortstack Holmes
    Shorty McFistTiCuffs 
    Shouty Shortarse**
    Shrimp One
    Shrimp Pimp
    Sideshow COB
    Sie Gott verdamme Schwanzlutscher auf dem Hollywood Boulevard (YSCOHB)
    Sin Bad the Failure
    Sixty-One inches of mean
    Slap Happy
    Slaphappy Shitebreath
    slapping dwarf
    slapping little worm
    slapping midget
    slappy little worm
    Slappy McNutts
    Slappy McPunch
    Slappy Miscabbage
    Slappy Miscassface 
    Slappy Miscmidget
    Slappy Slakbladder**
    Slappy Squirrel
    Slappy the Eight Minute Wonder Ref: Short speech at SP building opening.
    Slappy the Fake Punchin’ Pope
    Slappy the Mini-Pope
    Slappy the Punching Pope
    Smack Daddy
    Smackdaddy Most Holy
    Small group leader
    Small-Minded Dictator
    Smarmy Smurf
    Smelly Squatbottom**
    Snake Eyes Davy
    Snortimer Pigglesworth
    Sphincter Pope
    spoilt poison dwarf
    spokesmidget for Scilontoology
    Squirm Worm
    Squirmy McSlimeage  
    Squirty McSmalliage.
    Stinking Cabbage
    Stumpy Blackheart
    Suppressive Pipsqueak
    Supreme Commander Of the Holy Battleship (SCOHB)
    Tallest Ideal Dwarf Pontiff
    Tantruming Toddler
    Tater Tot
    teeny little homunculus
    Teeny Teratogenic
    Teeny Weinie 
    Teflon Con
    Teflon Pope
    Teratogenic Tyrant 
    the Boogalloo Shrimp of Scientology
    The Cheshire Cat
    the Choke of Scamatology
    The Dark Lord Chuckles The Silly Piggy
    the Dildo of our Disconnect
    The Dim One
    The Elfish one.
    The ElfMan
    The Fidgeting Midget
    The Joker
    The Knight Who Says “Nix”.
    The Lawn Ornament
    The Little Fisticuff
    The Little Man With Asbestos Riddled Brains
    The Man Who Just Didn’t Get It
    The official “Pimp” of Scientology 
    the perverter
    The pimp of Scientology
    The smallest erect member
    The Tiny Master
    The Tiny of Terror Town
    The Tiny Terror of Tootville
    The Toeless One (refer to all his footbullets)
    The Unflushable Floating Turd.
    The Wee $h*t
    Thetan of Satan
    Tight-y Tiny Tyrant
    tim’rous beastie [Ref: Robert Burns]
    Tiny Ahab
    Tiny Booted one
    Tiny Boots
    Tiny Cancer
    Tiny Corn COB
    Tiny Crackpot
    Tiny Cuntroller
    Tiny Dancer
    Tiny Dave
    Tiny dick
    Tiny Dick(tator)
    tiny dicked midget
    Tiny Dim
    tiny Dweeb-scavige
    Tiny Fist Fuckface
    Tiny Fists
    Tiny Grand Captain of Scientology
    Tiny Hook [Ref: Peter Pan]
    Tiny little Sirry with with the Fringe on the Top
    Tiny Majesty
    Tiny McCallan
    Tiny Member
    tiny midget king
    Tiny Nuts
    Tiny of Terror Town
    Tiny omnipotent one 
    Tiny Pope
    Tiny Psycho
    Tiny Slappy Tyrant
    Tiny Sphincter 
    Tiny Tadger
    Tiny Teflon Don
    Tiny Terror
    Tiny Terror of Trophies
    tiny testees
    Tiny Tim
    Tiny Titmouse King
    Tiny tosser
    Tiny Tosspot 
    Tiny Turdlette
    Tiny Twat
    Tiny Twit
    Tiny Tyrannical Tot
    Tiny Tyrant
    Tinyfists Mustravage
    titanic tosser
    titular twit
    Tolouse Laucavige.
    Tom Riddle (Voldemort’s real name)
    Tom Thumb of The Cult of $cientology.
    tormentor-in-chief tosser-of-clams (TIC TOC) 
    Toxic Dwarf
    Toxic Midget
    Toxic, greedy, shrimp.
    Toxicopestis Miscavigii 
    Traveling Gnome
    Tricky Dickhead 
    Troll McTurdsniffer 
    tuffed McCabbage 
    Turd Nugget
    Turd Pope
    Twerpus Humonculous
    two-bit tortured tiny tinpot tosser
    typhoid turd 
    Tyrannosaurus Minimus
    Unctuous Oiliness Supreme
    Unctuous Oiliness Supreme
    Unnameable One
    Urban Blight
    vertically challenged pope
    Vicar Most Vicious
    Vicar of victimisation…
    Violent Midget
    violently insane dwarf 
    violently slapping lunatic
    virulent bastard
    Walking Little Shitstain
    Walking Massingill
    Wank Stain Mah Cob
    Wavey Davey (Also Wavy Davy)
    Weazle Monkey
    Wee Davey
    wee Ecclesiastical Captain Bastard
    Wee Heir
    wee nubbin
    Wee Nut
    Wee One
    Wee Pontifex 
    Wee Slap-Happy
    wee sleekit Beastie (small, sly, wicked beast – Robert Burns)
    Wee Wonky Miscavige
    Wee, sleekit, cow’rin’, tim’rous beastie [Ref: Robert Burns]
    Who Will Not Tell The Truth
    wiggler in chief
    Wile E. Miscavige
    Willful Poophead 
    wimp ass pussy pimp weasel
    winzig Fuhrer [little Fuhrer]
    Wittle Davy Piddlepants
    Wizard of Ooze 
    Xenu’s Chew Toy
    Your Holeness
    Zero Nero
    Zygote Munter

    *From a small Welsh tribe of idiots who sailed to Pagagonia in stone boats.
    i was just musing on variants of Shortarse… and Dai Squatbottom (wishful thinking for die, squatbottom!) and his stone boat sprang into horrid being.
    Dai is the short familiar version (like “Lew” for Llewellyn or “Glyn” for Glyndwr/Glendower).
    Scwatbotwm is probably how you’d spell Squatbottom in Welsh orthography
    **From a poster for a mythical pirate, Captain Blackheart posted by Mark

    If there’s any corrections or additions, please reply to this post.

    • downtherabbithole

      looks like as many names for the tiny tyrant as there are current members

      • Missionary Kid

        I hadn’t thought of it, but every day, it’s becoming more and more true.

        • Sine qua non

          That is one impressive list! Looks like some of us have anger issues toward Micro-CabbiageHead. However, we are working through them creatively with humor, so it’s all good, I say.. Thanks for your excellent list-keeping, Missionary Kid. 👐👏

          • Missionary Kid

            I added MicroCabbageHead to the list. Refresh.

    • Taffy Sinclair

      the number of names is daunting!!

      • Missionary Kid

        It’s over 1,670 names long. Thank you, Bunker for Davy’s birthday present.

      • Sine qua non

        Major work MK has put into list keeping. Kudos to MK!

        • Missionary Kid

          I collected it over a period of about two years. Using the spreadsheet program I do, I can add and alphabetize a name and then post it in about a minute.

          • Sine qua non

            Oh, I love spreadsheetization. It’s so efficient and organized. Why, if your average Scientology org could use spreadsheet tech, they’d have their central files organized in no time! On the downside, it would take away a big excuse for those file sorting parties where members can be regged, so COS probably won’t follow your lead.

            • Missionary Kid

              If the Hubster had come up with $cientology in ancient times when they were writing on clay tablets, the orgs would still be writing that way. Efficiency is never the goal, but, being a fundamentalist cult, things are done in a particular way because that’s the way the founder did it. They’re as progressive technologically as an Amish auto factory would be.

            • Sine qua non

              Amish wooden cars. A vision popped into my mind. 😀

    • Liberated

      I was wondering how long it would take for you to post that.
      I never get tired of seeing that list.

    • Taffy Sinclair

      Think of all the nicknames we smart-ass motherfuckers created for Tom Cruise, Tommy Davis, his mama Anne Archer, Kirstie Alley, Jenna ElfMAN, etc, etc……. G-d, we are creative!!!

      • Missionary Kid

        This list doesn’t include LRH, and it needs entries for Danny Masterson and Monique Yngling.

        Douchbag Club for those who’ve done despicable things
        Elena Cardone
        Grant Cardone 
        Hugh Power
        Kirstie Alley 
        Tom Cruise 
        Tommy Davis

        Entries are in order of last names.

        Nicknames for Kirstie AlleyComments about weight, but Kirstie herself makes them about herself, and since the list was started, she has lost a lot of it.
        Classy Kirstie Alley
        Bitch of Boohoo 
        Blind Alley – made by Tiziano Lugli
        Brainwashed Bimbo Krusty Kreme the Queen of Denial
        Countess of C#nt
        Creepy Un Neutered Twat 
        Dead End Alley
        Despoiler of Nights. 
        Dutchess of Dis
        Fudgie the Whale
        Hefty Harridan Hussey 
        Her Royal Oiliness
        Jabba the Hutt
        Kaiju Krusty 
        Kirstie Alley: Ruiner of Days 
        Kirstie Krazy Alley
        Kirstie Monster
        Kirstie the Hutt 
        Krosty Olly
        Krusty Airhead
        Krusty Kling-on
        Krusty Kunt 
        Krusty the blimp
        Krusty the Klammy Klown 
        Krusty The Snowjob Man 
        Lady of Lunacy
        Maid of Malevolence
        Ms. Bon Bon 
        official Apocalypse Sow
        Petulant POS
        termagant toady
        Thar she blows
        The Cuntess
        The Prima Donna of the D-list
        unemployed clam cow
        Witch of Wichita


        Things Said About her house in Maine:
        Barbie’s Fever Dream House
        Barbie’s Worst Acid Trip House of Horrors!
        I thought Mattel managed to withdraw all those back in the 70s… 
        It’s decorated in cupcake frosting, with sprinkles 
        It’s nothing a little bit of pink might fix.
        pepto bismal palace
        Pepto Bismo Palace
        Pepto Dismal Palace
        Puke Palace
        The Pink Canker.
        You’ve heard of Barbie’s Dream House? Well, this is her NIGHTMARE.

        Things Said About Kirstie herself:
        An apt quote form “Time Bandits” applies to her – “you’re so mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence”
        Battlefield Girth
        Can you imagine how dumb Kirstie Alley was before she had her I.Q. Increased by LRH’s tech?
        It’s widely known that Alley has trouble keeping her mouth shut, even between bites.
        KA is so fat, when she backs up, she beeps!
        Keeping Scientology Whaling 
        Keeping Scientology Whining
        Kirstie Alley has an OTVIII level in fried foods
        Kirstie Alley: a bleached whale
        Kirsty has the ability to pick a fight while locked in an empty room. 
        Ruiner of Days, Despoiler of Nights. 
        She may have had a silent birth, but she hasn’t really been silent since, has she?
        She wrote a screenplay, “CHEER$ – where every reg knows your name.”
        She’s so elephant.
        She’s very deep. Like a cavern filled with guano. 
        That Kirstie, so klassy.
        Who needs friends when you have lemurs and lots of food to fill that gaping hole in your psyche?

        ANNE ARCHER (Tommy Davis’ mom) 
        Nanazilla (Tommy is about to become a father)
        the Herman Goering of Clams

        Things said about Elena Cardone & her Nicknames 
        Elena acts like the day shift stripper who turned tricks at the airport Marriot under the stage name of “Charity” and finally gave the right lap dance/handy to the right john.
        Elena Crapdome
        Elena No Braina’
        Harpy Cardone
        Mrs. Asshat 
        Olive Oyl
        Queen of Douchebags
        The Whore of Babble-On
        The Wicked Queen

        Things said about Grant Cardone & his Nicknames 
        47x Shades of Cray: The Grant Cardone Story
        A case of delusional euphoria 
        Always sleazier than you think.
        Chato – Brazilian slang for Completely Annoying
        Don Cardouche
        Douchey the Dwarf
        Fart Cardone
        Grant “Sociopath” Cardone
        Grant (“neck thicker than head”) Cardone
        Grant acts like the fading frat boy who was bottom of his pledge class, and barely made the cut because he knew somebody. But he’s the loudest, most obnoxious one at the party, he admits to and prides himself on slipping roofies to freshmen, and commits several counts of date rape. Also his personal anthem is “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke
        Grant Cardone is a human bed bug.
        Grant Cardone- Paddling Down the Looping Water-Park Lazy River to Total Freedom in a Gold Plated Douche Canoe.
        Grant Cardone, human streptococcus bacteria 
        Grant Cardone, sitting president of the Grant Cardone fan club and asshattery.
        Grant Cardouche
        Grant CONdone
        Grant is Ted Bundy with slightly more self-control 
        Grant just can’t stop talking about how awesome Grant is 
        He doesn’t brush his teeth. It causes hemorrhoids.
        He supplies his own stupid.
        King of Douchbags
        level 47 douchecanoe
        Mac Daddy of Asshats 
        middle-aged white dude pretending to string pseudo-coherent sentences together 
        middle-aged white dude trying to be cool. 
        Pimpo Novis
        postulating pustulant 
        spavined brain 
        SquareGrant DouchePants
        The Great Cardonihole 
        Ubiquitous douchebag
        Walking Messingil

        Things said about the Cardones 
        Cardones – Kardashians of scientology.
        Double Douche
        Double Douchebags
        Grunt & Enema Carjack 
        In answer to the demand to “Find successful scientology tools”  a Bunkaroo answered, “Heh, no thanks. Grant & Elena Cardone are enough for me.” 
        King and Queen of Douchbags
        Los Dos Douches 
        Pimp and Pimpette
        Rant & Enema Carwreck
        Runt & Hyena Cartoonish 
        Sort of a pity, a douche is a useful product, the Cardones, not so much.

        Typical Scientologist comedian: he’s only funny when he’s deadly serious. 

        Nancy Cartwright 
        A cartoon like Buddha from a cartoon voice over actress in support of a cartoon-like religion.
        Governess of the Valley El Barto
        Her Royal Duchess Divine Queen of Valley Muppets
        Her Royal Governor
        Nancy “becoming God” Cartwright
        Nancy Bartwright
        Nancy Carthorse
        Nancy Fart-right
        Nancy Not-right. 
        Royal Crackpot of the Valley West of the Rockies

        Captain Howdy started this explosion of Doggerell about Nancy Cartwright. The * tells who came up with the variation on the last two lines.
        She claps like a seal
        And hops like a frog 
        They call her Nancy
        But her real name is God 
        You can call her Nancy
        But never call her Wog. 
        You can call her Nancy
        What the fuck? says my dog 
        You can call her Nancy
        or “Soo-eee!” like a hog 
        She’s a zany inspiration
        For the poets on this blog.

        Chill EB
        Chin E. Pubes
        Clue-less, with chin ornaments.
        Is he the cop from the Village People?
        Isaac Hayes ultra-lite
        Post-modern Scilon Pimp

        TOM CRUISE
        Couch Jumper
        Cruise Misshole 
        Davy’s little toy
        His Royal Cruiseness
        Jerry McGlib
        Jerry McGLIBIDITY
        Jerry McGullible
        Little Tommy Fat-Cheeks
        Little Tommy Tucker (Ref: Nursery rhyme)
        Lord Cruise
        Lost Gun
        Middletooth Mapother
        Mr. Puffy Face
        Operating Fruit-loop
        Peanut boy
        Pin-up boy
        Running Dwarf
        See-Cruise-Crash-Again (Ref: his attempt at SCCA racing)
        Taliban Tommy
        Tammy Girl
        Templeton (the more he ages, the more he reminds me of the rat from Charlotte’s Web)
        The Glib-Meter
        The Grand Douche
        The Whooosh-ZZZZ!!! Divorcee
        Timy Tommy
        Tiny Tom
        Tom Cosmetic Surgery
        Tom Crude
        Tom Kat-less
        Tom Middletooth
        Tom Ruse
        Tom Snooze
        Tom Thumb
        Tom Thumbscrew
        Tommy Culty
        Tommy Girl 
        Tommy Low Tone
        Top Bum
        Top Goon

        Being associated with Tom Cruise in any way but acting is now considered “Tom Foolery.”
        Cruise is the Goebbels of Scientology 
        Every time I hear or read the name ‘Tom Cruise’, I think of doorbells…DING DONG!
        He jumped the couch.
        In the end, Tom Cruise was just another fool. (Will be said at his death or when he blows).
        On his movie, Edge of Tomorrow, “Clamhog Day”
        The Jar Jar Binks of $cientology.
        Tom Cruise Crazy
        Tom Cruise is responsible for more sales of Guy Fawkes masks than the movie V for Vendetta. 
        Tom Cruise keeps issuing press releases about how he did his own stunts. But so did the people in Jackass videos.
        Tom Cruise needs a better script.
        Tom keeps no wife passed her 33rd birthday.
        Tommy’s Danger Zone is a couch.
        When Tom is challenged to defend $cientology, his crickets are deafening.

        Tom Cruise Poem, by Hamtaro:
        There once was a fellow named Cruise
        His family? He liked to abuse
        He once banished his niece
        Coz she smooched a hot piece
        Top Gun sports a mighty short fuse.

        TOMMY DAVIS Nicknames and Things Said about Him  Tommy has left $cientology, and got paid off.
        Foot bulletman 
        He’s Scientology’s Paris Hilton – stupid, irrelevant, yet incredibly arrogant due to inherited wealth.
        Leader of Anonymous
        Mommy’s Tommy
        obnoxious martinet
        Pimpo Novis
        Tomass Davass
        Tommy the Tool
        Tool Time Tommy

        BOB DUGGAN
        Bob “Richer than God” Duggan
        Walking Messingill

        Jenna Elfman
        Baby raper 
        Bestiality babe *
        Erection killer.
        Heavyweight cult intellectual
        Horse sex show star.*
        Jenna “Animal Husbandry” Elfman
        Ms. Aids
        We could call her an Operating Clam: O.C.

        * From her own words A wag described the career of her husband, bit actor Bohdi Elfman, as “Pimp for horses.”

        Danny Masterson
        Danny Doucherson

        Jeff Pomeranz Nicknames 
        Wears his pants too tight.

        Karin Pouw
        Baghdad Bob of clams.
        Delegated Mouthpiece
        Karin “Three Foot Pompadore in a dress” Kapouw Suckas 
        Karin KaPow
        spokes liar

        Jaden Smith – Nicknames and Things Said about Jaden was schooled in a $cientology environment. Note: even though he’s a child, his behavior is so outrageous, it bears commenting.
        Daddy’s Dreadfully Dreadlocked Douchebag
        Fresh Douche of Bel Air
        He is an attention seeking missile with no guidance system.
        Hollywood über-douchebag brat 
        Janoxious Child
        Jazzen Smithereen
        Just-A Douche
        Mini Douchetard
        The Bad Tempered Kid Part III
        The Karotid Kid 
        The Kid No One Wanted To Have Over For Dinner Despite The Dad
        Will’s Worthless Wonder Child of Woe

        Willow & Jaden Smith – Nicknames and Things Said about
        Pufnstuff kids

        Vic Tipness
        Member of the Douche Canoe Club

        John Travolta
        Heavyweight cult intellectual
        Travolta chia-head

        Monique Yngling
        Cruella Yingling
        Stenchy Churchmuffins

        Joy Villa
        There once was a gal called Joy Villa
        Who wore that orange “dress” – such a thrill-ah
        It showed lots of tush, some thought they saw bush
        And Dave? He “went off” like Godzilla.

        JoJo Zawawi
        Gestapo non grata


        • Taffy Sinclair

          Silly Taffy forgot about the El Con Chubbzy!!!

        • PerpetualOutflow

          So many good ones. Especially love Nancy Not Right and Cruella Yingling.

        • daisy

          Elfmans vulgar

        • Kestrel

          I would like to nominate Vic Tipnes for entry into the Douche Canoe Club. I know that’s not what it’s called, but douchebags serve a purpose.

          • Can’t forget Just The Tipnes.

          • Missionary Kid

            Done. What has he done? Refresh my memory;

            • Sine qua non

              He fired somebody or 2, didn’t he, when they refused to take The guy filed an EEOC complaint and Tony did a story on it not too long ago. Tipnes lives in Tampa as I recall and he likes cigars, Cardones and fast cars. I might be wrong on some of this. But he’s definitely a douche.

            • Missionary Kid

              Thanks. Refresh. It’s on the list.

      • Sine qua non

        What-there’s more!? Oh no. My sides are splitting! 😂😂😂😂😂

    • Taffy Sinclair

      Zygote Munter. Dah fuck is that??? I’m super-perplexed!!!!

      I still like it, tho!!

      • Missionary Kid

        Ask Mark. He was trying to have a name for every letter of the alphabet.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Poop of Scientology must be nice– it’s listed twice!

      • Missionary Kid

        Thanks. Corrected. Refresh.

    • JJ

      Tater tot? How did you know what Lou calls him in their most private moments?

      • Missionary Kid

        I didn’t. Someone in the Bunker came up with that.

  • Liberated

    O/T… my son was walking his dog and saw this giant bald eagle eating a fish in a tree.
    It’s under his talons.

  • DangDadgummit

    Happy Birthday (corn-on-the) COB

    Thank you for:
    1- OT9 and OT10, to be released when you deem the world ready to receive
    2- The Golden Age of Knowledge
    3- The Basics (all the glorious books redone, with hundreds of thousands of corrected semi-colons)
    4- The Golden Age of Tech, I
    5- Limitless Rice & Beans
    6- The Golden Age of Tech, II
    7- Exemplifying life-long, quality marriage
    8- Personifying the playing of the game fairly with your Fair Gaming
    9- Bringing Religion to those afraid and lonely, offering surcease from pain and suffering

    Thank you, COB.

  • PRenaud

    I can’t wish this thing a happy birthday… I just can’t, sorry!!!

  • downtherabbithole

    Good night all. Wishing you all a lovely evening & me not having nightmares featuring creepy dolls with children

  • Panopea Abrupta

    Some say Peter, some say Paul.
    It don’t matter who you call
    None can help you, now you fall.
    Poor wee Dave, you’re so small
    Yet somehow you had the gall
    To presume you deserved it all.
    Now your reign begins to pall
    While the critics have a ball.
    You’ll be lined against a wall
    Marched down a long dark hall
    Big big storm, no little squall
    You’re the one wearing a shawl
    If you survive that prison brawl
    Bubba don’t live in the mall,

    Hoppy barfday, Dyspeptic Malevolence.

    The Glimmer Twins wrote this one for ya, DM,
    after they heard about Clearwater:

    I saw him today at the deception
    In his hand was a glass of whine
    I knew he would meet his rejection
    At his feet were foolish men
    No, you can’t always get what you want
    You can’t always get what you want
    You can’t always get what you want
    But if you cry sometimes,
    You get what you need

    Dave, may you get what you deserve,
    you little f&@king vampire:

    • Missionary Kid

      I’ve added Dyspeptic Malevolence to Davy’s names. I’ll re-post the list later.

    • Missionary Kid

      Pan. I quit collecting poetry here in the Bunker because you’re so prolific and skilled at it. Thank you for all you post.

  • Marshall

    On behalf of all Pennsylvanians – I apologize!

    • Missionary Kid

      I assume you’re writing about the orange faced, golden helmet.

      • chukicita

        Him, too? What’s up with the water in Pennsylvania?

        • Missionary Kid

          Trump is in PA today. IIRC, he was born in NY.

          • chukicita

            I’m not at all certain he was actually born.

            Never seen a birth certificate.

          • Liberated

            Excuse me sir, are you familiar with dyson vacuum cleaners ?
            I’ve done everything per/manual and the brush bar will not spin.
            I can see no obstruction.

            • Missionary Kid

              No, I’m not. Usually, the brushes are powered by a belt or by a separate motor. If it’s the latter, usually there’s a plug somewhere that may have come disconnected. I’ll look online to see how they operate.

            • Missionary Kid

              Looking at a picture of one, I’d suspect a disconnected wire somewhere, unless there is a separate switch. Which model is it?

            • Liberated

              It’s the DC 50….it’s only about one and a half yrs. old.
              Purple base, swivel.

            • Missionary Kid

              This video and the one that follow show how to fix the brush bar. Look for strings wrapped around it. I know that the videos are not for the U.S. market, but aside from the plug in the wall, the vacuums operate the same. You might need a phillip’s head screwdriver.

            • Liberated

              Thank you MK..I have looked for string etc. around the brush, but no, I’ll keep trying. Maybe your wire theory is right, it’s a mystery.
              I’ll do it tomorrow and let you know.

            • Missionary Kid

              Somehow, I think that the brush bar is driven by suction. Check to see if your filter is clogged, too. If there isn’t enough suction, the brush bar may not operate.

      • Marshall

        Well, it could work on both points! Little davey was born here AND the golden helmet held a rally. Someone needs to tell him that he isn’t campaigning anymore – time to actually work and not do rallies! But the rally was HUGE I tell you!

        • Missionary Kid

          Correction. YUUGE.

  • Keeping Scientology Waning

    COB, this is not a present, but something to contemplate on this day. Do you ever sit alone and give serious thought to what your life will be like outside of Scientology? I say “will” and not “might” because someday you will be separated from the life that you now know.. either before your death or certainly quite soon after. I am told by those who know that it’s ridiculous to even think you would ever willingly leave Scientology. Do you ever consider the possibility that through the cult’s collapse, or through your own inevitable incarceration, that Scientology may leave you?

  • Xique

    Happy birthday …. you big jerk.

    • TexasGirl

      Damn! I couldn’t have said it any better.

  • What’s it like in there, David? On the border inside your head.
    On your birthday, on any day really?
    Always alone no matter the crowd. You want to relate, but you don’t know how.
    You want to feel something, but you don’t have any feelings.
    So you grasp and push. You push to feel the emotions from those around you since you don’t have any of your own. Nothing’s good enough. Nobody’s good enough.
    How could they be good enough when you can’t feel anything?
    You pine for a feeling. Just one, simple feeling.
    Power was assumed, but like Hubbs before you, love evades.
    So, when, in your endless cycle of ups and downs, the weather vane turns and the barometer drops, the fugue sets in.
    That’s the worst.
    The dark.
    Then it’s time to start fighting again. Whoever is convenient. Whoever just happens to be passing by.
    Fight your way out of the dark, collateral damage be damned.
    The power and the money protect you from consequences, but not the cycles. They don’t stop.
    What’s it like in there?
    I don’t really want to know.

  • chukicita

    In that one photo, his eyes almost give him away. Maybe it’s the way he’s thrusting his wedding ring at the camera. Or the totally unnatural straight-up-and-vertical gun barrel finger resting on his temple.

  • Liberated

    Hey Davey, if you’ve been paying any attention at all….you are not a well liked person !

    In fact, I would have to say…people flat out hate your guts !

  • chukicita
  • iampissed
    • Kestrel

      I’ve always wanted a little dog who could literally climb the walls.

      • iampissed

        Dice will take care of that.

  • Ivan Mapother

    Happy Birthday Dave. If only you had completed high school, you could return to your class reunion and brag how you are the ecclesiastical leader of America’s “fastest growing” creepy little cult. In fact my hat is off to you. Here’s a guy who has no education, a short temper and a hair trigger, a drinking problem and untreated psychological issues. Our prisons are filled with such characters yet Davy is out. The tech must work.

  • John Prince

    What to wish captain pissypants for his B’Day? Best wishes & a Big Fat Summons from his pal ,Judge Whittmore..and May the Lawsuits keep on piling up! captain, you’re doing a bang-up job keeping scientology withering 🎂

  • Roger Hornaday

    Slappy Burpday, Mr. Miscavige. Sorry about the unanimous rejection of your bribe in Clearwater, I guess those people can’t stand you but what do they know, the bums! And I’ll bet Kirstie and John loved being flown out to be paraded around like your trophies in order to impress the starstruck local yokels. Yes, I bet they really appreciated that big time! Oh, and please accept my condolences for not having anybody in your life who doesn’t want you dead.

    • salin

      Creepy. Par for the Co$.

    • Gib

      this a perfect example of Hubbard’s use of Le Bon’s book, the psychology of crowds, repetition as one of the means of persuasion of leaders of the psychological crowd known as Dianetics and scientology.

      Letters Out is but one means that the scientology uses constantly following Hubbard’s PL’s and his learning from Le Bon research unbeknownst to members.

      ah, but guess what, it also works in the opposite direction, getting somebody out of scientology.

      The White Rose

  • WhatAreYourCrimes

    Hi David Miscavige. Happy birthday! My message to you is that it is never too late to finish high school. You completed tenth grade, if I am not mistaken. I highly recommend that you complete high school, and maybe even consider university or college. You might find the education rewarding, stimulating, and might even lead you down a rewarding career path. Good Luck!

    • Bob Crouch

      Plus, even better, all you have to do is pass your freshman year and you’ll already be better educated than “Dr” Hubbard ever was! With such little effort, you could stand out as a true intellectual. You know, in the land of the blind, and all…

  • John Prince

    cob’s birthday today? the same day as International Rumor Starting Day? it True there’s a video going viral on the of dm having a wild sexual romp with muffins yingaling and assorted Farm animals ?

    • WhiteCentauress

      That will get some attention from people who don’t normally read the Scientology stories. Nice catch.

    • Intergalactic Walrus

      I thought it was going to be about those 2 teenage $cientologists who were killed in LA in 1969 –
      Doreen Gaul & James Sharp. Never been solved.

  • Wryturman

    I humbly give you a birthday missal, Oh Father of Lies…..”The Rime of the Modern Mariner,”

    May visions of those disconnected fill your head
    May you be haunted by Narconon clients among the dead
    May the coercion you inflicted infest your soul
    And darkness your home in your very own HOLE
    May banquets turn rancid as the fork meets your lips
    May Freewinds join the armada of Hate’s Hellbound ships
    Long may you sail on that Mary Celeste
    Your ticket awaits, Satan’s most honored guest
    Thereon you’ll be feted, you’ve earned the Award
    As the Afterlife’s minions escort you aboard
    Magnimus Platinum Diamond Palladium
    Medallion of Sin, glowing like Radium
    Shining in glory, consuming your flesh
    As your Familiar’s cheers echo afresh
    Triumph resounds in the Hubbardian Morgue
    Saluting their Chairman in his ideal org
    As malificent breezes fill sails long rotted
    Your skeleton crew lies Blown, besotted
    The tiller long gone, no captain in sight
    Master’s Charts strewn unread in hope’s dwindling light
    Faithful Bos’n then trumpets, “Our Bridge, Oh My King!”
    But you scowl in rage, well-worn Cat you unstring
    Your Leige falls trembling, in quaking apostasy
    You’ll give 50 lashes, for such grievious lèse majesté
    A cry from the Crow’s Nest, “The Bridge comes now Clear.”
    Your volley of grapeshot rewards that Buccaneer
    Your Spyglass to eye, “Lo, an arch appears there!
    Its bulwarks are mighty, at last I Declare,
    My Path will be Free, My Game will be Fair!
    You’ll kneel at my throne, all bow to my will!
    Blessed by LRon The Mighty, God of Saint Hill!”
    My vessel draws nigh, Charon welcomes me waving
    The wicked prosperity my black heart’s been craving
    Once in the wheelhouse, Charon’s eyes meet the shore
    “Charybdis lies ahead and Scylla before
    We’ve sailing to do, no time to make land!
    Pirate of Souls, you do understand!
    Our ocean is fire, our plunder divine
    Our kingdom those lost, whose hearts we would mine
    Every last nugget, until barren and bare
    Then on to the next, no mercy to spare!”
    Darkness descended as Charon resumed
    Past lighthouses lifeless, their bodies exhumed
    “I’ll serve you with faith, my Commander of Death
    Right up to end, my very last breath
    So stay firm our rigging, tighten it well
    Prepare to make ready
    For landfall in Hell”

    • WhiteCentauress

      Brilliant. I hope the albatross of Scientology hangs around his neck until it begins to rot. He did shoot it, didn’t he?

    • WhatAreYourCrimes

      What a nightmare vision you have painted. Well done.
      David MIscavige, please atone and seek redemption. If you ask for forgiveness, you might be surprised.

    • FredEX2

      That should be framed in gold and published in a book of literary prose. Well done!

      • ExCult.Jan

        Calligraphy on 1960 paper with coffee mug stains is how I read it.

  • WhiteCentauress

    Mick sent a reminder to Miscavige yesterday….

    So I really had to shoop that for Davy’s special celebration.

    Tick tock….tick tock….

  • Bob Crouch

    Dear “captain:”

    A great observer of human nature said 2000 years ago: “What benefit would it be to a man if he were to gain the world and lose his soul.”

    Hubbard wanted to create a “religion” for pure profit motives and smash his name into history (he said both of these things literally–no speculating needed!). He spent by far most of his years after authoring “Dianetics–The Modern Science of Mental” on the run from the law and ousted from just about any place he ever went. He was unable to use his fantastic “tech” in order to hang on to his first, second, or even third wife. Even when he had become very rich, he failed to provide for his children. He died under Howard Hughes-like circumstances–decrepit, insane, and on drugs both of the street and “psych” variety.

    Unlike the fat man, you still have the option to turn this thing around for yourself! Think about it: What have you “gained?” Aside from real estate. The “philosophy” and “tech,” even the organization itself are moribund. Even your own family has fled (as did Hubbard’s and Cruise’s to name a couple other big beings) and, well, we both know what you did to Shelly. And the “empire” that you are trying to hold together does whatever functioning it does only as long as you rely on deception, lawyers and bullying of the vilest sort.

    Come on, Dave, time to rouse the man inside yourself! Did you really drop out of HS and leave Philly for THIS? Hubbard already lost his soul! How much of yours is left?

  • Kari Harris

    Davey, with all the $$$ you have, shouldn’t you go to college for Business Administration? I mean, you’d think with all the massive PR problems, membership departure, loss of many significant whales, and all the personal defeats you’ve had in the last decade, you’d finally figure out that your tactics are as useful as wet toilet paper. Can’t even wipe your butt with it. Please remember that us Wogs (note the capital W) who are educated CAN be helpful. Like your attorney, but maybe try to be PRO-ACTIVE instead of reactive with advice from people who know more than you. Yes little guy, there’s a ton of people smarter than you. Unless you learn how to get along and start using alternate advice, you’re gonna get arrested one of these days. Hopefully you’ll “drop your body” soon to avoid facing up to your inadequacies little guy!

  • Todd Tomorrow
    Another Very Sad Day For Insane Bigots

    • Kari Harris

      What a douche…. Any “sins” are between the sinner and God, aren’t they? So how could this moron beg forgiveness when he personally has never had an abortion? Again, the people who claim to be hardcore Christians don’t even understand their own bible. Sheesh I need some migraine meds before this jerk gives me a headache….

    • Liberated

      Oh puke…you’d think that asshole had abortions all by himself.
      I see this as just another attack against those evil women….what are we gonna do with them ?

  • daisy

    Ironic Elizbeth Moss starting in a Handmaid*s Tale. A dystopian snitching culture. Women are forced to have babies not aborted. She should be a natural. It is cult like.

  • JJ

    Personality types : using the enneagram for self-discovery / Don Richard Riso with Russ Hudson.

    O.K., so I am reading this book. S’very cool and fun, Typology stuff and I have found DM. He is an Eight. “The Leader” Type but of the narcissistic,maladjusted sort and he is(by second hand accounts and gossip) about three ticks away from Jim Jonesing himself off the planet. I mean for real. The increased paranoia, the confusion, desire to control all at all costs and there-by losing control and falling apart and taking it all with him. He needs help, he is not likely to get it, the worse things get, the more he will blame others for being “against him”. He is alone, terrified, angry, resentful and on the path to delusional (literally).
    I don’t know if Scientology was bad for him, or he was bad for Scientology, or in coming together they created a perfect storm of insecure bias, aggression, arrogance, isolation, paranoia and greed, but it sure has come to a death spiral to infinity.

    Does his birthday mean anything? He is older, not wiser, he is angry and paranoid and deluded himself into thinking he is a super human being so as to not ever have to admit being weak, vulnerable, wrong, or human. Has that path ever ended well? He is a year closer to final countdown. A year closer to over under and done done, a year closer to ‘Thanks for the use of the hall everyone.” It would be almost funny if he hadn’t used, lied to, damaged, abused and harmed so many people along the way, but really, what else was there? All that personal power, all that energy. Was it always going to be like this? Could there have been a moment, or several moments when it occurred to him this was too much, he had gone too far, his actions, or inaction had resulted in terrible consequences for others and himself? Is this where he really wants to be, does he really think he has reached his Full Potential, met the goals stated by L. Ron Hubbard for the Highest Scientifically Actualized Beingness possible in human kind?

    I honestly don’t know. Does he really read this stuff? If so, what could he possibly make of it? If you see the world as against you any attack is proof of it. If you think everyone else is wrong, out-ethics, stupid, misinformed, not qualified to judge you, under-ranked, then it is just so much blather on the screen. The fact he had tried (and succeeded) in hiding or covering up mistakes/missteps shows he is aware of them. The fact he doesn’t ever submit himself to any kind evaluation, inside or outside his sphere of influence shows he fears either negative reviews or reprisals of some kind. The isolation denotes insecurity, the anger, loss of control, the glibness, a desire for distance from value.

    The missing wife, cast aside. The lack of friends, only ones he has are those he can manipulate. The terror of aging and death getting closer, the eat to win health strategy up against alcoholism and nicotine addiction. Bodily insecurity, the constant low grade-explosive irritation at others not doing exactly what you want at all times. The fear of public scandal, the dwindling power and respectability of the church you lead, the worry they will somehow find and take back the Money, the possibility of criminal charges and prison time for nefarious activities, the overwhelming proof that the Tech is fallible to negligible to dangerous and that life is just as complicated, messy, imperfect and un-controllable as it ever was?

    I don’t know, what part of Happy Birthday does that fall under?

    In the end, the fact we spend so much time talking about him may be present enough. Really, this is the man who said “Power is when people will listen to you”. We’re still listening. Does it matter that we think what you have to say is funny or sad or dangerous or pathetic or just mean and stupid? I guess not, at this point the attention is enough. Think about it, His book would sell way better than his Dads.

    MISCAVIGE. A three volume boxed set, all black cover. Vol One: Environs he was born into, family history, early life, joining Sea Org. Vol Two: Sea Org machinations, wife, meeting and working with Hubbard, gaining power behind the scenes, Hubbard’s death. Vol Three: Taking over Scientology, power struggles, intimidation, consolidation, apex of power before the fall.

    And there will be a fall. People like this don’t ooze out of existence, they take the money and run, or shoot themselves in bunkers, or get followers to mass-suicide themselves in their honor.

    Of course Hubbard oozed out of existence, but then he left all that writing and The Tech behind. What will DM leave in his wake? Lawsuits, ill feeling, a few dead bodies, ruined lives, fractured families, a mess of money (untraceable), probably a lot of nice clothes, some empty but well refurbished buildings in various city centers around the globe, all those tapes of him talking-talking-talking… and saying what?

  • Music number is all I got. One is a loneliest number, Dave. Cheers.

  • Sarah James

    Hey dave show us those ot powers!

  • madame duran

    What does one give or say to the man that has everything but the luxury of time? A warning.

    David, you must be tired of me saying this but…you really are Alonzo Harris. Leah Remini’s “Aftermath” was only the beginning. You have played games with people’s lives; used and abused them for either your own selfish gain or sick pleasure. You believed you were invincible with your money, your lawyers, and your First Amendment protected guise of religion. What you didn’t anticipate in your overconfident state was just how much you pissed off those Russians; how you opened the eyes of those naive, Kool-aid drinking rookies to finally see your true, corrupt nature; how your Scientology “family” that you got twisted in fear and forced obligation is only biding its time to strike back with a vengeance; how a series of careless miscalculations are hastening your demise. You have crossed the WRONG lines. There is no turning back for stubborn, reckless fools like yourself.

    I’d highly encourage you to watch “Training Day” in its entirety for the context of this one scene–noting everything that came before and after that moment.

    Happy Birthday, sucker!

    • EmmaDaoust

      And that always reminds me of this:

    • Liberated

      Damn !

    • Harpoona Frittata

      I didn’t click on the vid segment to see lil davey’s scene yet, but I have seen Training Day, so I’m gonna guess it’s the scene where Alonzo gets shot in the ass, then voices his disbelief that he got shot in the ass…amirite?

      • madame duran

        I’ve always viewed that part as a bit of comedy relief in an otherwise dark film. But no, it wasn’t that scene.

        • Harpoona Frittata

          No? Well then, I will have to check out your selected vid segment then! Not that I’d ever advocate shooting Shortarse in the arse for real, but there’s some real poetic justice in the concept, which would be an altogether fitting and proper comeuppance for the tiny tryrant!

    • Betty

      Great choice everyone please watch this it is only 2 minutes long.

  • George Layton

    Handsome is as handsome does.

  • Mr CT

    Happy Birthday Dave!
    I’ll mush your face for ya! 🙂

  • Giant Scientology Centers Opens in Miami…Goes Completely Unreported by Newspapers

    • nateht

      “The Plantain believes Scientology is, at best, fucking crazy. “

  • Kilia

    Go to hell, Miscavige.

  • What’sup
  • What’sup
    • Missionary Kid

      Of course, that lectern is the extra short one.

  • JAYE R

    Someone already posted GFY, soooo… YSCOHB, mcsavage. Hope you find someone to suck off and celebrate in style. Bwahahahaha

    • Liberated

      Yes, we have discussed that as an option for davey boy.

  • Silence of the Clams


    Still plenty of years left to rot in a cell.

    Fuck you Dave.

  • Snippy_X
  • otviii2late

    How about we give him a heart?

    • Jimmy3

      How about an empty oil can and two middle fingers?

    • Liberated

      Why ?

    • Graham

      Well that’s a nice idea. But look what he did with the last one.

  • Jimmy3

    Still awaiting Monique Yingling’s scathing letter after Davey was kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese’s for cheating at skeeball.

    • daisy

      I thought he was the real uncomical impersonation of Chuck E.

      • Jimmy3

        Creeps me out the same. So maybe.

      • Jimmy3

        Song just came on on autoplay that reminds me of you, btw. Dead cover

        • daisy

          Thank you for that lovely flash back . Brought me right back to my hippie days.

          • Jimmy3

            No I meant cuz you got the police comin after me.

            • daisy

              I do not do that anymore. Whenever I call the police on someone else , I end up with the jail time,

  • Chris Crimy‏ – @MiamiSixthMan – tweeting about his new Scientology themed podcast Twitter account: @CGS_Extra

  • daisy

    Well I have been up for 36 hrs I am going to watch a little porn with Fat beagle and head for bed/ Night bunkees

    • Jimmy3

      Does Canada have an Animal Protective Service? And if so, does it only protect Meese and Beavers? Not that I’m gonna call them or anything like that. Just curious.

      • Juicer77


    • Juicer77

      Sleep well. Hope everything is ok.

    • dchoiceisalwaysrs

      When you rise, go for a tip toe through the tulips. Surely they must be blooming in all their glory.

  • TheMirrorThetan

    Happy Birthday Dave. You stunted nasty little cockless pompadour.
    Hope you like the cake. Blinky Muffins sent me the recipe. Did your latest blood money cheque bounce or somethin?

  • outraged

    Happy borg Day two Ewes to a pathetic excuse for a man.

  • ReallyMGM

    Dave, orange would look good on you. I wish for you the gift of a shared cell with Warren Jeffs. Hopefully someone would be recording those scintillating conversations for forensic psychologists to study for decades.

  • bgh179

    Happy birthday, Dave! Where’s your wife?

  • No

    Hey Dave….
    Kiss my fat tooshie….oh and i hope you have a MISERABLE day
    Lots of love from a ‘wog”.

  • Donna in Texas

    I have read before that he wears very expensive suits, but I was curious if anyone knows the type of watch he wears. I bet he spends more on his wristwatch then he pays his Orgs in a lifetime.

    • NOLAGirl (Stephanie)

      The only time I’ve ever noticed a watch on him (he tends to wear a longer cuff shirt) it was a Patek Philippe. Very pricey.

      • scottishinlondon

        That’s a real “look at me” item isnt it. Dickless little twat

      • Donna in Texas

        Of course it would be a Patek, so goes with his personality. Thanks for the reply.

  • NOLAGirl (Stephanie)

    Poor Dave, the only thing money can’t buy you……more time.

    Hope you’re miserable today Tater Tot.

  • Jon S

    I love the idea that David Miscavidge might be reading this. I hope you have a miserable birthday you narcissistic megalomaniac — and that your 58th birthday is spent in jail, where you belong. You utter twat.

  • pixie stix

    Has anyone else noticed Davy’s face looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy?

  • Dee Findlay-DeElizabethan

    Gheez, I missed his birthday party!
    Well, he got a present early from me, at the CW city commission meeting.
    A kick in the ass.

    • Missionary Kid

      That was one great present, Rev. Ya done good.

    • vicariousthrill


  • Quick empathy

    What a joker! Some day hopefully this will be your lavish accommodations.

  • Bob

    Haiku to Davey:

    Evil like your mentor Ron
    Your Karma awaits.

  • Ramona Cabrera

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Life is short,
    And so are you.

  • Jgg2012

    He should have been born on April 1.

  • vicariousthrill

    David Miscavige, time is the great equalizer. My birthday wish for you is that you will see yourself for what you really are, and decide to make a change. Admit that you have feet of clay. Admit that you know L.Ron Hubbard was a sad, disturbed and tragic figure beset by narcissistic urges. Set Shelley free, set your fellow deluded Scientologists free, set yourself free. Happy birthday.

  • balletlady

    The Black & White photo CLEARLY (no pun intended) SHOWS him wearing a Wedding Ring…HEY DAVE, WHERE IS SHELLY?????? You remember her, right…the reason you are wearing a Wedding Ring because you are married to her and she is your WIFE….

    Most heads of a church that are married always has a SPOUSE by their side….standing NEXT to them, or maybe off to the side a bit….but VISIBLE…..So the question is….WHERE IS YOUR PRETTY WIFE SHELLY????

  • ombrifuge

    Do they have a birthday game for COB or does he not have the f*cking rank?

  • Disingenuous Malfeasant

    Bite Sized Bishop – may the case of Flo Barnett be reopened you bad little boy.

  • Hey Dave,

    Fuck you fifty-seven times. Thanks for the disconnections. Talk to you next year.

  • Scream Nevermore

    Where’s Shelly, ShortArse?

  • LesJolies Choses

    Happy Birthday Pope of Scientology (Tom De Vogt)
    showing off loudly that wedding ring means you still a married man right?
    but where is Shelley Miscavige? why not she standing next to you
    sharing a billion dollars smile like happy couple?

  • I hope you live long enough to see your ship sunk.

    Happy Birthday!

  • Jeff Payne

    Wow, hair club for men really does work!

  • Scott Gordon
  • BlueHeronBay