TODAY AT SUBSTACK: If you’ve signed up for free emails at Substack, you will receive today’s feature story at your inbox: One of the surprises of the L. Ron Hubbard Birthday was Scientology leader David Miscavige announcing another shrine: The villa in Las Palmas where Ron dreamed up the Xenu story! That seemed a bit outré, so we turned to historian Jon Atack for his thoughts about it. [What is this Substack thing, anyway?]
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Technology Cocktail
“Pregnant mothers are not to be audited or audit, for the sixth month on up, on Power and up on the Grade Chart. It is very common for pregnant mothers to be audited and to audit on Dianetics and is in fact vital.” — L. Ron Hubbard, 1981
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“Sacredity. I think it’s very amusing, if you like to laugh at funerals. I do myself. I do. The last funeral I saw in Kansas, a dead wagon went by, you know, and it was one of these hearses, you know, with the great big plate glass side windows, you know. You could see the coffin in there. Flowers all over it. And here came limousines after it, you know, one after the other. And there were people crying and people sobbing in these limousines. I pulled off to the side of the road, naturally, and I took off my hat. And all this was just automatic, you know, took off my hat. I sat there and watched this thing go by. And car by car my risibility started getting the better of me, you know. I thought here’s this bird, he kicked off, you know, and they shoved this body full of embalming juice, and this bird is sailing around here someplace or another. He probably already picked up somebody in a maternity ward or something of the sort, and he’s long gone, you know, and here’s these birds left with this piece of MEST, you know. And they’re crying and sobbing, you know, and they’re filling it full of flowers and embalming fluid, and going to take it out to the graveyard and erect some stone over the top of it, you know. The unreality of these people and their attitude and what they believed, and what I myself knew for a fact, you see, were so far apart that I’m afraid that by the time the last funeral car had passed, I was just doubled up with laughter. I just can’t take funerals very seriously. I’m sorry. It’s too silly.” — L. Ron Hubbard, April 5, 1962
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“TO THOSE LEAVING
Farewell
God Speed
And Early Return
I thank you
For your good work
And Contribution
To us all.
I know
The good things you’ve done
And good intent.
Forgive the conditions
And any hardship
And carry away
No bitterness
But only pleasant
Memory of Flag.
In appreciation
And full respect:
Farewell
God Speed
And
Soon Return
Love
Ron
April 5, 1969”
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“Several of my high school aged clients have remarked on how auditing has been a game changer in regards to their chosen career paths. The focus is not on the financial gains of MEST, but more towards ‘dealing with the futility postulates’ that many on this planet carry. They have noticed the automaticity of the adults around them leading towards the game of death rather than creating, of a paycheck rather than a purpose, and souls lost in amnesia.”
2002: Dave Bird reported a protest at the Birmingham, England org. “Just Dave, Jens, and John plus our sound system this time. The DSA appeared and wanted to tie us up talking to waste our time. Apparently they had done so well that week, they didn’t need to leaflet today. The true reason was apparent around 14:00, the Reg and her assistant had been leafleting the Palestine rally in the library square about 150 metres up the street from us. We finished after 2 hours dead and went to a pub just round the corner on the other side. The DSA and his side-kick followed us to the pub and stood across the road for twenty minutes then went away.” Christopher Wood reported a protest at the Toronto, Canada org. “Picketers: Me, Gregg Hagglund, Keith Henson, and The Unknown Picketer. Leaflets: We passed out approximately 500. My No Science/Scn Founder Con Man, Gregg’s Xenu/crimes, a couple of Kirsti Wachter’s ‘Scientology Hurts People,’ and some about the Children’s Sec Check. The picket went for about three hours. The Scientologists who do the picket handling stayed quiescent, so we managed to picket unmolested. I ran out of the 50 leaflets that I started out with. I ended up reading to one couple this paragraph from A History of Man, which clearly illustrates L. Ron Hubbard’s disturbing attitude towards the world: ‘This universe is a rough universe. It is a terrible and deadly universe. Only the strong survive it, only the ruthless can own it. Given one weak spot a being cannot long endure it for this universe will search it out and enlarge it and fester and probe it until that weak spot is a festering wound so large that the being is engulfed by his own sores.’ A group of three Scientologists came out the front door and Mario rushed over, saying ‘Go out the back! Go out the back!’ – and what do you know, they did as he said. A line of non-OT Scientologists, moving out the back door of the org, getting waved along by OT Scientologists, and serenaded by Gregg’s ‘Doubt is not a crime’ spiel. Gregg reports that the herdees appreciated this more than the herders. It seems fairly certain that we were followed home on the drive back. A white car stayed pretty close right from leaving the parking lot near the org.”
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“It’s ‘nix’ on ESP and telepathy, but ‘ja’ on Telekinesis and Astral Projection? No reason or rhyme to the mind of Mother Hubbard.”
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Full Court Press: What we’re watching at the Underground Bunker
Criminal prosecutions:
— Danny Masterson charged for raping three women: Sentenced to 30 years to life on Sep 7, 2023. Appeal now fully briefed, waiting for 2nd Appellate District court to set a hearing date. Masterson has also submitted a habeas corpus petition.
— ‘Lafayette Ronald Hubbard’ (a/k/a Justin Craig), aggravated assault, plus drug charges: Grand jury indictments include charges from an assault while in custody. Pleaded guilty on Nov 10 to a 17-year prison sentence (eligible for parole in two to three more years). Awaiting transfer to state prison.
— Aaron Matthes charged for SA of child under 12 years old: OT Scientologist facing multiple mandatory life sentences. Next pretrial court hearing set for March 9.
Civil litigation:
— Leah Remini v. Scientology, alleging ‘Fair Game’ harassment and defamation: Some defamation claims were removed by Judge Hammock. Judge Hammock’s ruling is on appeal, which is now fully briefed. Awaiting the setting of an oral arguments hearing.
— Baxter, Baxter, and Paris v. Scientology, alleging labor trafficking: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’
— Valerie Haney v. Scientology: Forced to ‘religious arbitration.’ 15 days of arbitration completed, Val waiting for further word from the IJC.
— Chrissie Bixler et al. v. Scientology and Danny Masterson. Judge Upindra Kalra’s ruling denying Scientology’s motion to strike is on appeal. Appeal fully briefed. Motion to replace Jane Does’ AI-tainted brief denied by court. Oral arguments hearing on March 3.
— Jane Doe 1 v. Scientology, David Miscavige, and Gavin Potter: Case unsealed and second amended complaint filed. Scientology moves for religious arbitration. Trial has been set for January 10, 2028.
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Other links: The prosecution of Danny Masterson. Leah Remini’s Fair Game Podcast. Leah Remini’s A&E Series. Scientology’s Celebrities, from A to Z. Bryan Seymour’s suppressed series, Scientology Black Ops: Tom Cruise and dirty tricks. Scientology’s Ideal Orgs, from one end of the planet to the other. Scientology’s sneaky front groups, spreading the good news about L. Ron Hubbard while pretending to benefit society. Scientology Lit: Books reviewed or excerpted in a weekly series. How many have you read?
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THE WHOLE TRACK
[ONE year ago] After Super Bowl win, is Philadelphia ready for a Scientology victory?
[TWO years ago] Resurfaced video: An afternoon in 1963 with Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard
[THREE years ago] Eyewitness report: Scientology leader David Miscavige at the LRH Birthday Event
[FOUR years ago] Melissa McPhail: A fantasy writer’s travel through time to her Scientology Sea Org past
[FIVE years ago] Former Scientology OT gets indicted on $4 million securities fraud
[SIX years ago] Whoopi Goldberg recommends Scientology’s drug rehab Narconon on ‘The View’
[SEVEN years ago] Scientology gets away with abuses because it has friends like author Orson Scott Card
[EIGHT years ago] What do super powers smell like? For around 30 grand, Scientology can help you with that.
[NINE years ago] Bryan Seymour: Scientology’s sniffer-dog problem is bad timing for Narconon in Australia
[TEN years ago] After their daughter died at Scientology training, a friend makes off with the funeral money
[ELEVEN years ago] Saturday Night Live’s genius spoof of Scientology: Lyrics and images
[TWELVE years ago] Jon Atack’s final weekly column for us on Scientology, and it’s a doozy
[THIRTEEN years ago] Remembering Diane Colletto, Who Would Have Been 60 Today
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Bernie Headley (1952-2019) did not see his daughter Stephanie in his final 5,667 days.
Joe Reaiche (1958-2024) did not see his daughter Alanna Masterson in his final 6,999 days.
Mike Rinder (1955-2025) did not see his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in his final 7,589 days.
Tammy Synovec has not seen her daughter Julia in 3,589 days.
Valerie Haney has not seen her mother Lynne in 4,093 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 4,599 days
Sylvia Wagner DeWall has not seen her brother Randy in 4,149 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 3,139 days.
Klaus Büchele has not seen his daughter Jasmin in 5,525 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 3,020 days.
Christie Collbran has not seen her mother Liz King in 6,324 days.
Marc Headley has not seen his mother Trudy in 4,975 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 4,193 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 5,747 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 5,088 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 13,659 days.
Melissa Paris has not seen her father Jean-Francois in 9,575 days.
Valeska Paris has not seen her brother Raphael in 5,742 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 5,324 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 5,583 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 4,335 days.
Marie Poulin has not seen her mother June in 3,900 days.
Julian Wain has not seen his brother Joseph or mother Susan in 2,215 days.
Charley Updegrove has not seen his son Toby in 3,390 days.
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 5,072 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 5,409 days.
Roger Weller has not seen his daughter Alyssa in 10,262 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 5,378 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 3,740 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 4,151 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 4,539 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 4,423 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 3,987 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 4,499 days.
Mary Jane Barry has not seen her daughter Samantha in 4,759 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 15,863 days.
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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 5, 2026 at 07:00
E-mail tips to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter.
Our book with Paulette Cooper, Battlefield Scientology: Exposing L. Ron Hubbard’s dangerous ‘religion’ is on sale at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. Our book about Paulette, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.
The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2024 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Underground Bunker (2012-2024), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)
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Tony Ortega at The Daily Beast
