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Phil Jones: How Scientology sucked me in — even as National Lampoon warned me

When I first got into Scientology I was still in high school. I was going to go to film school with my best friend at the time. He did end up going to university and studying film. This was in Toronto, after which he ended up moving to the states and eventually going to San Francisco where he settled into doing film editing.

Once I finished high school I moved into Toronto to be near the Scientology Org there. I stayed in touch with my friend who was now at York University. I had been on a long slide by that time that predisposed me to being susceptible to falling into Scientology when I ran into it. Or should I say when it ran into me. In spite of early warnings, I kept on with it, hoping I’d get what I came for. I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day running around inside my head for a day or so.

While my friend was off getting a college experience, I had spent so much money on Scientology college wasn’t in the cards. I did visit my friend at his dorm on occasion and even went to a few classes with him.

One day my friend handed me a copy of National Lampoon. I took it home with me to read. Right near the very end was a parody on Scientology. And even though I was pretty hardcore into Scientology at the time I found it incredibly funny. The one line that stuck out to me was in a small ‘win’ near the end of the article about how this person’s increased abilities had killed all the flies in his shop. I used to joke that an OT should be able to kill flies at 40 yards. (Yes, I know… I was a terrible Scientologist).


I returned the magazine to my friend and after a few years when he had moved to the U.S. we kind of lost touch. I did find out some years ago that he had taken his own life. This still saddens me to this day.

Recently I decided to write up my Scientology story. Not necessarily for a book but just to get it all down. I had thought about this for some time but didn’t want to do it along the lines of other write-ups. It took me a while but I thought I’d come at it from the angle of what I got into Scientology for in the first place. It was initially for “Clear.” I’d read Dianetics, Evolution of a Science and the description of Clear was the thing that sold me. The abilities as promised. Once I got into Scientology the whole OT abilities thing just added to my aspiration for getting “up the Bridge.”

I started writing about my search for Scientology promised abilities and one thing that kept jumping into my head was that line about killing flies. I even thought it might make for a good title.

Curious about the National Lampoon article I searched online for some info on it. There was almost nothing about it. The whole article seemed to have gotten lost in history. It took me weeks of searching but I finally found which issue of the National Lampoon it was in and then managed to locate one on eBay. I did receive it and even though the pages are a bit yellowed it is still quite readable. And still funny.

Any Scientologist, when asked about what they do, will always talk about the Scientology front groups. They never seem to talk about making Clears or OTs. And any “abilities” they do brag about are the vague, and general “I feel more at cause” types of wins. If they ever do brag about having an effect on the weather, they can never repeat it at will. It’s just all a big lie.

— Phil Jones

Nearly 20 years later, in 1989, the Lampoon took another run at L. Ron Hubbard with its parody, “Diarrhetics.” But from the December 1970 issue, here’s the Santology parody which Phil remembered. Let us know your favorite jabs…

Santology – a Scientology … by on Scribd


Speaking of Phil Jones…

Phil brought our attention to a video put out by a teen entertainment outfit that, inexplicably, thought L. Ron Hubbard’s crusty old pulp fiction was worth an episode. But more importantly, the brief video featured a few moments of Phil and Willie’s daughter Emily speaking to the camera. Emily, like her brother Mike, is a Sea Org member who disconnected from her parents when they decided to leave the church. Minor Scientology celebs Jim Meskimen and Judy Norton-Taylor appear, as well as Firesign Theater legend Phil “I’m not a Scientologist but shill for them constantly” Proctor.

When we told Phil Jones that we were going to post the video here, he asked that if anyone comments, to please be civil about it.



Scientology’s celebrities and ‘Ideal Orgs’ — now with comments!

[Elisabeth Moss, Michael Peña, and Laura Prepon]

We’re building landing pages about David Miscavige’s favorite playthings, including celebrities and ‘Ideal Orgs.’ We’re hoping you’ll join in and help us gather as much information as we can about them, in order to build a record and maintain a watch as Scientology continues its inexorable decline — and yes, we finally have comments working on these new pages! Head on over and help us with links and photos and comments.

Scientology’s celebrities, from A to Z! Find your favorite Hubbardite celeb at this index page — or suggest someone to add to the list!

Scientology’s ‘Ideal Orgs,’ from one end of the planet to the other! Help us build up pages about each these worldwide locations!

Today’s Ideal Org: Los Angeles, California!



Coming November 1


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley has not seen his daughter Stephanie in 5,247 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 1,880 days
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 423 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 311 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 1,486 days.
Carol Nyburg has not seen her daughter Nancy in 2,260 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 3,034 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 2,380 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 10,946 days.
Melissa Paris has not seen her father Jean-Francois in 6,866 days.
Valeska Paris has not seen her brother Raphael in 3,033 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 2,614 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 2,874 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 1,914 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 1,626 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 1,152 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 5,241 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 2,381 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 2,701 days.
Roger Weller has not seen his daughter Alyssa in 7,557 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 2,676 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 1,032 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in 5,334 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 1,440 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 1,843 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 1,714 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 1,297 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 1,802 days.
Mary Jane Sterne has not seen her daughter Samantha in 2,046 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 13,155 days.


3D-UnbreakablePosted by Tony Ortega on October 24, 2018 at 07:00

E-mail tips and story ideas to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our book, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2017 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Undergound Bunker (2012-2017), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS: We read Scientology’s founding text cover to cover with the help of L.A. attorney and former church member Vance Woodward
UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists
GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice
SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts

Other links: Shelly Miscavige, ten years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Watch our short videos that explain Scientology’s controversies in three minutes or less…

Check your whale level at our dedicated page for status updates

Join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news


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