Daily Notifications
Sign up for free emails to receive the feature story every morning in your inbox at


The two-wheeled spy who loves Blighty: An action report

It’s the dog days of summer, and we beg your patience as we take a break from our usual serious approach to the news for this imagined Scientology report on our recent travels…




Subject landed Saturday at Gatwick and was in London by 2 pm, then tried to shake our operatives in the Underground before ending up on the north side, where he attempted further evasion by hiring a road bike and heading back for the Waterloo Bridge.

Movement became erratic, as if he were pretending to be a tourist and was sightseeing, then doubled back through the Greenwich pedestrian tunnel under the Thames as his nefarious plans began to reveal themselves. In Forest Gate on London’s east side, subject reached his destination and met with notorious Photoshop terrorist and denigrator of C.O.B., known in the Bunker by his creative nom de guerre, “Mark.”


Our operatives failed to pick up useful data on this conversation, only hearing subject praising the generous layer of goat cheese that came with his veggie burger. (Operatives are undergoing punishment for this failure according to the usual guidelines.)

Sunday, subject continued to attempt evasion, cleverly disguising his movements as a pleasure trip, when no sane person would ride a bicycle for several hours into wind and rain (and on the left side of the road, to boot) except for devious reasons. Arrived in Oxford late afternoon and checked into a questionable hotel in the city center, then met another Internet terrorist, a Bunker regular and C.O.B. denigrator who goes by the code name “Graham.”


This resulted in an early evening walking tour of the university, which included a stop at the Sheldonian Theatre, where the sounds of an orchestra performing Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony could clearly be heard outside. Graham and subject sat down to listen to the performance in a shocking display of musical pilfering. We suggest a massive online campaign to highlight this venal act.


Monday subject continued to mask his real mission with another long day pedaling through the English countryside, this time arriving in Bath, where he met two more online saboteurs who go by the code names “Eivol” and “Juicer.”


Subject ordered a rare tuna steak, but we were unable to capture other actionable data from a conversation which apparently featured classified information about upcoming Bunker articles. This set of operatives has also been relegated for punishment after this failure of intelligence gathering.

On Tuesday, subject continued on, still traveling south on two wheels, and arrived at the Dorset home of his publisher, Silvertail Books proprietor Humfrey Hunter.


Hunter is a major source of entheta in the UK, publishing books about Scientology by John Sweeney, Russell Miller, Lawrence Wright, and Ron Miscavige, as well as the subject’s book about Miss Lovely.

No doubt the two were cooking up something, but our operatives couldn’t place listening devices in Hunter’s back patio in time.

Wednesday, the subject pedaled on through the New Forest, a short ride this time to Brockenhurst, where he caught a train for London.

Last night, subject made yet another suspicious connection, dining with Bunker reader David Bean.


Operatives tell us subject is now leaving the country, and we will keep the watch on him wherever he goes. And maybe harass his mother some more, too.

Hail, C.O.B. Straight up and vertical.


The Frightday podcast

We enjoyed speaking with Frightday’s Kelly about Scientology. These questions from podcasters are getting better and better.

Also, if you haven’t heard it, we were on Colombian radio last night talking about David Miscavige and the national police.




Please join us at the Underground Bunker’s Facebook discussion group for more frivolity.


Scientology disconnection, a reminder

Bernie Headley has not seen his daughter Stephanie in 5,195 days.
Katrina Reyes has not seen her mother Yelena in 1,798 days
Brian Sheen has not seen his grandson Leo in 341 days.
Geoff Levin has not seen his son Collin and daughter Savannah in 229 days.
Clarissa Adams has not seen her parents Walter and Irmin Huber in 1,404 days.
Carol Nyburg has not seen her daughter Nancy in 2,178 days.
Jamie Sorrentini Lugli has not seen her father Irving in 2,952 days.
Quailynn McDaniel has not seen her brother Sean in 2,298 days.
Dylan Gill has not seen his father Russell in 10,864 days.
Mirriam Francis has not seen her brother Ben in 2,532 days.
Claudio and Renata Lugli have not seen their son Flavio in 2,792 days.
Sara Goldberg has not seen her daughter Ashley in 1,832 days.
Lori Hodgson has not seen her son Jeremy and daughter Jessica in 1,544 days.
Marie Bilheimer has not seen her mother June in 1,070 days.
Joe Reaiche has not seen his daughter Alanna Masterson in 5,159 days
Derek Bloch has not seen his father Darren in 2,299 days.
Cindy Plahuta has not seen her daughter Kara in 2,619 days.
Claire Headley has not seen her mother Gen in 2,594 days.
Ramana Dienes-Browning has not seen her mother Jancis in 950 days.
Mike Rinder has not seen his son Benjamin and daughter Taryn in 5,252 days.
Brian Sheen has not seen his daughter Spring in 1,358 days.
Skip Young has not seen his daughters Megan and Alexis in 1,761 days.
Mary Kahn has not seen her son Sammy in 1,633 days.
Lois Reisdorf has not seen her son Craig in 1,215 days.
Phil and Willie Jones have not seen their son Mike and daughter Emily in 1,720 days.
Mary Jane Sterne has not seen her daughter Samantha in 1,964 days.
Kate Bornstein has not seen her daughter Jessica in 13,073 days.


3D-UnbreakablePosted by Tony Ortega on August 3, 2018 at 07:00

E-mail tips and story ideas to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Our book, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.

The Best of the Underground Bunker, 1995-2017 Just starting out here? We’ve picked out the most important stories we’ve covered here at the Undergound Bunker (2012-2017), The Village Voice (2008-2012), New Times Los Angeles (1999-2002) and the Phoenix New Times (1995-1999)

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS: We read Scientology’s founding text cover to cover with the help of L.A. attorney and former church member Vance Woodward
UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists
GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice
SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts

Other links: Shelly Miscavige, ten years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

Our non-Scientology stories: Robert Burnham Jr., the man who inscribed the universe | Notorious alt-right inspiration Kevin MacDonald and his theories about Jewish DNA | The selling of the “Phoenix Lights” | Astronomer Harlow Shapley‘s FBI file | Sex, spies, and local TV news


Share Button
Print Friendly, PDF & Email