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Sunday Funnies: Scientology’s Shiny New Freedom Magazine!

FreedomCoverWe want to thank Bunker regulars Bury The Nuts and Dee “DeElizabethan” Findlay for tracking down a copy of the new “Florida Edition” of Freedom magazine for us yesterday.

We’ve been curious about the relaunched publication since it was taken over by new editor John Sugg. And it is very different than previous editions of the magazine, which had been taking such comical shots at Scientology’s perceived enemies.

Now, it’s more earnest, more narrowly focused, more professionally edited, slickly art directed, and…

…Oh who are we kidding. This thing would put Ambien out of business if it actually reached anyone.

At least previous editions of Freedom were good for making fun of. There was the outrageous issue parodying The New Yorker in 2011, and 2012’s issue went after Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder and friends who were lampooned as a “Posse of Lunatics.”

But this thing, well, just get a load of some of these thrilling headlines…


— “While Floridians Die, Psychiatrists Profit”

— “The Madison Avenue of Drug Marketing”

— “Opium, Morphine, Heroin, Oxycodone: Four Deadly Sisters”

— “A Coordinated Push Against Drugs”

We could tell you that Scientology has a virulent hatred of psychiatry and thinks it’s doing the world a service by blaming the Holocaust on “psychs” and attacking the pharmaceutical industry. But you probably know that already, so we thought we’d do something more fun and imagine if this magazine had been put together by people who had a very different view of drugs and took them by the handful.

Imagine the possibilities…

— “While Floridians Sigh, Psychiatrists Crossfit”

— “The Radisson Parvenu of Smug Harkening”

— “Opium, Morphine, Heroin, Oxycodone: Four Swinging Sisters”

— “A Segmented Worm Against Bugs”

OK, maybe that’s a bad idea. Let’s just forget the whole thing. Freedom seems destined to slip into obscurity anyway, so we won’t spend any more time thinking about it.

Instead, let’s get back to our regular weekly feature, Sunday Funnies, when we reveal the Scientology mailers that have been forwarded to us by our network of tipsters.

Hey, what’s this? Our invite for the IAS Patrons Ball came in the mail, and we are thrilled to get it! There’s going to be a gourmet dinner, music and dancing, and we only have to pay $600 to $1,000 for a ticket! But wait, something’s missing. Have you spotted it yet?


Yes, there’s no date! Now, we’ve been led to believe that this event will happen on November 8 or 9, but we will have to do some checking on that. An invite with no date makes us a little nervous!

We want to thank our new tipster who sent us a couple of interesting things from Kansas City, one of our old stomping grounds. We had no idea the KC Scientologists were so creative and fun. Check out how enticing they’ve made working in central files look in this mailer!


And look at how much fun we’ve been missing in Kansas City, where the fundraising parties are theme-a-riffic!


Why We’re Hung Over This Morning

Some of our readers know that we did a little live-blogging last night after we joined some Bunker regulars for a celebration in Clearwater.

Back when the Church of Scientology announced that it was finally going to open its Super Power Building with a grand opening event on October 6, TheHoleDoesNotExist and Bury The Nuts began planning a Super Power Eve party. But when Scientology leader David Miscavige cancelled the SP Building event, our readers had already put down a deposit on a limo, so they decided to go through with their celebration. We knew we’d be in town for the Garcia lawsuit hearing, so we made arrangements to join in the fun.

Last night, we kept readers up on what was happening as we toured Scientology’s spiritual mecca and stopped to admire the church’s massive tent, where the November IAS gala will be held.

We thought a photo in front of the giant ecclesiastical pavilion was a natural, but within seconds about half a dozen Scientology security guards showed up, and so did a cruiser, lights flashing, with a Clearwater police officer. He politely asked us what we were up to, and then informed us that the tent was on private land. We then confirmed with him that the sidewalk was public property.

Inside the tent, the stage is covered up with black draping, which we could see because there was a large opening by the sidewalk. But when Scientology’s young Sea Org security men showed up, they quickly closed it. Another young man began blocking Bury the Nut’s view to keep her from photographing the tent’s interior.

If she moved, he moved with her, getting as close as he could to block her camera. So finally, she whispered to him, “Call your family.” He responded with “Go on a diet.” And she laughed and said, “That’s all you got?”


That’s Bury, all right.

Well, we had a fine time, and we hope those of you following along did too. For more photos and accounts of the shenanigans, it’s in there in yesterday’s comments.

Oh, we’re going to pay for this lack of sleep.


Posted by Tony Ortega on October 6, 2013 at 07:00

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