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L. Ron Hubbard Intends to Rid You Of a 43-Trillion-Year-Old Implant. What Was That Like?

Well, we had a very relaxing week-long vacation (what, you didn’t notice?) and now we’re hard at work on some big stories that should be rocking the Bunker in coming days.

In the meantime, we thought we’d serve up a rare treat — a 50-year-old example of what it was actually like to be audited by the Great Man himself.

On May 22, 1963, L. Ron Hubbard recorded an auditing session he did with his third wife, Mary Sue, in order to demonstrate what it was like to remove the “Helatrobus Implant.” As he had explained in a lecture the day previously, the Helatrobus civilization was a relatively weak galactic organization which had managed to use electrified interstellar gases to insert some particularly resilient mental implants in thetans some 43 trillion years ago.

Now, each of us is actually a thetan — an immortal spiritual being that lives countless times in one meat body after another — and so these damaging implants are still causing us problems today. It’s only now, trillions and trillions of years after the sneaky Helatrobans stamped us with their tricky mental pictures, that one man — L. Ron Hubbard — discovered a way to remove that ancient sabotaging of our immortal souls.

(Some doubters — known as “scientists” — will tell you that the universe itself is only about 14 billion years old, and that a 43-trillion-year-old civilization from a place called Helotrobus was simply the ravings of a middling science fiction writer past his prime. But you know what to do with that kind of entheta — you’ve been through the PTS/SP course!)

We found this rare recording of an auditing session that Hubbard did at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead, England with Mary Sue, whose case was “flying” — moving along really well.


“This is a demonstration of ‘item running’ off of the line plot of the Helatrobus Implants,” Hubbard says at the outset of the recording.

This excerpt contains the first 15 minutes of the auditing session, which should be plenty of time to give you a thorough grounding in what it was like to undergo this sort of processing.


Still awake?

The first thing you probably noticed is that auditing away the evil intentions of a 43-trillion-year-old spacefaring civilization sure didn’t have much in the way of excitement.

Also, ex-Scientologists like Marc Headley have warned us in the past is that auditing is incredibly repetitive and dull.

In this case, our “pre-clear,” Mary Sue, is reciting a progression of related terms and their negations while Hubbard observes movement on the e-meter that she’s connected to.

These terms are…

Nix Seriousness

Absoluteably seriousness
Nix absoluteably seriousness

Perfectably seriousness
Nix perfectably seriousness

Superiorably seriousness
Nix superiorably seriousness

Incomparably seriousness
Nix incomparably seriousness

Fascinateably seriousness
Nix fascinateably seriousness

Highly acceptably seriousness
Nix highly acceptably seriousness

Recommendably seriousness
Nix recommendably seriousness

Acceptably seriousness
Nix acceptably seriousness

Engrossably seriousness
Nix engrossably seriousness

…and that’s the end of the excerpt. But we know from a transcript that they go on to audit even more pairs…

Vitalably seriousness
Nix vitalably seriousness

Eagerably seriousness
Nix eagerably seriousness

Enthusiasticably seriousness
Nix enthusiasticably seriousness

Enjoyably seriousness
Nix enjoyably seriousness

Pleasurably seriousness
Nix pleasurably seriousness

Agreeably seriousness
Nix agreeably seriousness

Dedicateably seriousness
Nix dedicateably seriousness

Commendably seriousness
Nix commendably seriousness

Desirably seriousness
Nix desirably seriousness

Whew! That’s a fascinating list of opposing terms that Mary Sue managed to work her way through as Hubbard noted her “rocket reads” — when the e-meter’s needle jerked hard to the right.

Now, some of you may be wondering how reciting this seemingly nonsensical list of terms is somehow enabling Mary Sue to travel back 43 trillion years into her past in order to remove damaging information imprinted on her immortal soul by a meddling minor space civilization.

But it’s that sort of spoilsport question that is preventing this planet from being cleared. Just pick up the cans and get out your wallet, doubter.

Isn’t Scientology fun?


Posted by Tony Ortega on June 3, 2013 at 12:15

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