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Hurry, Scientology Needs Your PR Help!

SundayFunniesOn Sundays, we enjoy showing you the latest Scientology mailers and fliers that have been forwarded to us by our worldwide tipsters network.

This week, we have another entertaining collection of what we call Sunday Funnies, including a call for help that indicates just what sort of trouble the church finds itself in these days. We think you’ll agree that our first flier contains some of the strangest wording we’ve seen in a while.

But we also think our Funnies this week may be overshadowed by today’s SMERSH Madness matchup, which is the heartbreaker of the first round: we don’t envy you the choice you have to make in today’s voting!

Let’s start with a flier that caught our eye for its tone of sheer desperation.

Oh, where do we start? From creating “huge acceptance” for the works of L. Ron Hubbard and his “solutions for planetary ruin,” to using “White PR” on “opinion leaders,” this is one cringe-inducing document.

But this is your opportunity to spend a full week on the barge Freewinds and learn how to push LRH tomes on your local library and city councilman. Talk about a 21st Century PR solution!

RonPR1RonPR2

 
What is it with Scientology and Star Wars? No, don’t answer that. We know, we know. But the problem with Scientologists restimulating their own past-life space opera memories by dressing up as Jedi Knights is that these days, actual Jedis — as in, folks who identify as members of the Jedi faith — vastly outnumber Scientologists. But keep on dressing up, kids! That new Advanced Org in Joburg will happen in no time!

JoburgStarWars1JoburgStarWars2

 
The largest psych bust in history! Oh, this sounds like it’s going to get the OC folks worked up into a frothy lather!

IASOC

 
Toronto is so serious about creating its new Ideal Org, it put together an entire newsletter devoted to it. And it has swords!

Toronto1

 
On another page of the newsletter, we see that Michael Chan has been busy explaining that once they get to OT IX (which hasn’t been released yet), church members will gain the power to create duplicates of themselves with only the power of their minds!

Toronto2

 
And hey, use the trademarks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to raise money for your Ideal Org? Why the hell not?!

Toronto3

 
Ah, this one is a bit sad. Our old colleagues at LA Weekly, a Village Voice newspaper, promoting a Scientology event at the Hollywood Celebrity Centre. Well, we’re pretty sure it’s a promotional thing that the sales side was paid to do, and had nothing to do with the fine editorial team at the newspaper.

LAWeeklyFlier

 
Finally, we were a bit speechless after we received this e-mail that had been forwarded by one of our tipsters. Take a good look at it, and we’ll explain why we found it rather remarkable…

MichaelLewisFlier

Did you get that? On Friday Michael Lewis presented a “Magic Formula” which would enable him to “explain everything and fix everything.”

And which event comes to mind that he could possibly apply this magic formula to: “Wouldn’t it be nice to just refer to that thing and go, ‘Ohhhhh! That’s what happened!'”

Gosh, we don’t know. Maybe Mr. Lewis could use his magic formula to explain to all of us why his son, Sons of Anarchy actor Johnny Lewis, went mental and killed his landlord (and her cat) before falling to his death last year?

Just a thought.

 
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SMERSH Madness: Sowing the Seeds of World Domination!

As we announced on March 1, we’re joining bracket fever with a tournament like no other. It’s up to you to decide who should be named the new SMERSH, the traditional nemesis of Scientology. Cast your vote for who’s doing more to propel the church down its long slide into oblivion!

Continuing in the first round, we have a really tough matchup this morning. This is the heartbreaking contest of the first round, a pure accident of seedings.

ToryVsKaren

Tory Christman left Scientology after 30 years in a very interesting way. (We were fortunate enough to tell the story, more than a decade ago.) Since then, she’s become well-known for her indefatigable use of online video to get the word out about the church and its abuses. In some ways, she’s the face of the ex-Scientology movement, and if we could just figure out how to harness her energy, she could power a city.

Karen de la Carriere broke the hearts of mothers around the world last year when she announced that her son had died and the Church of Scientology was keeping her from seeing him one last time. Karen had been church royalty, one of the last Class XII auditors trained by L. Ron Hubbard personally, but now she’s become one of the most effective church critics — especially behind the scenes.

 

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