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Scientology really, really, really doesn’t want you to see this movie

GoingClearSquibWe’re five days out from Alex Gibney’s film Going Clear opening in theaters in New York, San Francisco, and Los Angeles, and things are getting downright nutty. Like, Scientology is losing its mind.

But here in the Underground Bunker, we’re over our fever, the cats are napping like champs, and we’re ready to get back to our essential weekly feature, Sunday Funnies.

You see, even as David Miscavige is panicking like L. Ron himself was coming back to give him an R-factor and throw him in a chain locker, the rest of the organization can’t stop begging for cash, even for a minute.

And you know what that means for us — comedy gold! So let’s dig in.

 
Ooh, pretty planes. Anyone have photos from last night’s party in Detroit?

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Dharma is doing something about it!

 
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“There lies the misconception that this cycle of action has anything to do with money. It doesn’t. Trust me. It has to do with people getting honest with themselves and confronting that they can do way more than they will ever be asked to do.” (Translation: Write a bigger check, dilettante.)

 
arezzini

 
Celebrity Centre International going “Ideal.” Does that include Dave Petit, too? Does he get ideal duds or something?

 
FSM-RALLY

 
Jordan, call your mother.

 
jordon betry

 
Kamrie, call your mother.

 
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Melissa, call your mother.

 
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This has to be the greatest L. Ron Hubbard quote of all time.

 
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Oh look, rich people paying for more truckloads of a booklet that isn’t the lamest guide to life advice ever written, honest!

 
mathers

 
Hey, New Zealand, got any elder abuse laws down there?

 
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“There is nothing else we could do.” Yeah, sure, they live in that boring, dead-end town of Austin. What the hell else could there be to do in that crap town but hand over cash to Scientology?

 
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“The reverse point of the universe.” That’s almost clever.

 
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We can’t really think of another way to recover our infinity of future, so we should probably go to this.

 
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Flag’s getting fumigated. Might as well go to LA and drink every time Dan Sherman says “in point of fact.”

 
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And finally, those young Scientologists sure have long tusks…

 
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Thanks again to our great tipsters!

 
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Bonus photos from our tipsters

Photo by Dan Parris of Alex Gibney at the True/False documentary film festival in Columbia, Missouri, where ‘Going Clear’ was shown three times over the last two days!

 
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The Freewinds in Aruba, ready to take you to OT 8!

 
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Scientologists are using social media more than ever. Drop us a line if you spot them posting images to Instagram or Facebook!

 
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Posted by Tony Ortega on March 8, 2015 at 07:00

E-mail your tips and story ideas to tonyo94@gmail.com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. Here at the Bunker we try to have a post up every morning at 7 AM Eastern (Noon GMT), and on some days we post an afternoon story at around 2 PM. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…

BLOGGING DIANETICS: We read Scientology’s founding text cover to cover with the help of LA attorney and former church member Vance Woodward

UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists

GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice

SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts

PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | Scientology’s Private Dancer
The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill
The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ

 

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