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Sunday Funnies: Scientology sends us a letter!

SDSmallOn Sundays, we like to reveal to you the various things our tipsters have forwarded to us during the week — mailers and fliers that Scientology sends out to its members as the call for donations goes ever onwards.

This week, the world of Scientology is preparing for one its biggest days on the calendar. New Year’s Eve is a major landmark for the church, because, well, who knows. It just is. So make plans to get on down to your local org for some late night partying and wallet loosening.

Let’s start with the biggest change for the church and its New Year’s Eve plans. For the first time ever, the main party will be not in Los Angeles but in Clearwater, Florida. In yet another sign that things are shifting to Florida at the expense of Scientology’s other major hubs in England and California, the main event will be happening on December 27 at that big tent near the Super Power Building which has seen so many other big celebrations in recent weeks.



An FSM convention? We’d love to hear from our experts on this. We had definitely gotten the impression that Scientology’s network of Field Staff Members had really taken it on the chin in recent years as Scientology leader David Miscavige had put the emphasis on his Ideal Orgs.

We have to wonder what that “INCREDIBLE new FSM release” is going to be.

Anyway, the folks at WISE are also getting into the act, begging the dentists and chiropractors that WISE targets to come on down for the New Year’s Eve party in Clearwater and tour the Super Power Building…


Dear xxxx,

How on earth would you describe genuine magnificence?

The awe-inducing, soul-stunning, reality-shifting and inspiration-surging kind of magnificence?

Well, that’s the question I asked myself when I sat down to write this email to you.

An opportunity exists for you—and I feel compelled to let you know about it.

Because it truly is awesome.

What now exists — permanent and for all the ages — is a truly magnificent experience at the brand-new Flag Building in Clearwater, Florida.

But it’s not good enough just to hear about it.

It is WAY beyond description.

It has to be personally experienced. You need to see it for yourself.

And when you do, that awe-inducing, soul-stunning, reality-shifting and inspiration-surging kind of magnificence will come home to you — and remain with you forever.

You’ve heard it said “It’s a Whole New World”. Well, in about a week, on Friday, 27 December, 2013, you have an opportunity to not only experience magnificence, but also be part of a truly monumental New Year’s celebration unlike any we’ve ever experienced.

Because the 2014 New Year’s event itself will celebrate our most monumental year ever.

The details of what will be shown are best put in the category of “what we’ve always dreamed of.” But one thing I can tell you is that in addition to everything else, you will see a presentation on WISE that will make you proud — and inspire you to reach out, learn even more, and use and disseminate LRH Admin Tech to help you put yourself and others on a real path towards Prosperity.

Like I said, this is an opportunity.

If you weren’t already planning on going, then from me to you my advice is:

Drop everything and just go. Bring your loved ones and friends.

You (and they) will be very glad that you did.

Call Flag at (727) 639-6313 to book your weekend now. Flag has extended a very special one-time incredible offer of a single all-expenses weekend package rate.

It includes a very special tour of the new Flag Building.

The New Year’s event is free.

The experience is priceless.

Best regards,

Scott Waldroff
CEO WISE International

P.S. I am very interested to hear back from you, with any news, suggestions, wins—and most of all your plans to make it to Flag — and launch into your best year ever!

“The event is free.” Ha ha ho ho ho — no, stop it. Come on, we’re trying to breathe here.

Speaking of letters, we’re going to include this next one not because it’s the most interesting come-on we’ve published here for Sunday Funnies. It’s actually kind of pedestrian. But we’re including it here because it’s the first time we’ve received an appeal like this not through one of our many tipsters, but directly from the sender. And just wait until you see who that is…


In your practice you have helped many people. Possibly you have never considered that the well-being of your practice depends first and foremost on how well you yourself are doing. Are you taking good care of yourself? Do you have the time to do so?

I’m sending you this little note to let you know that in our counseling/coaching practice we are all about helping you, the helper.

As the star of the show in your practice, you deserve a little TLC, as well!

Our results are reflected in the uptrending statistics of those practice owners and directors who we have helped: personally with any life issues that may need addressing, as well as professionally, helping you spot solutions to your personnel or business issues.

Call us for a free consultation. 818.366.9899

With Respect,
Michael Lewis
Senior Technical Director
Valley Life Improvement Center

Yes, Michael Lewis — father of Sons of Anarchy star Johnny Lewis, who died in such a terrible way last year, for some reason put us on his mailing list. Um, thanks?

We thought this next letter was pretty remarkable because we’ve been wondering what David Miscavige was going to do now that he’d blown his wad on so many long-awaited reveals. For years, he’s kept his flock donating and donating as the prospect of new e-meters, the Golden Age of Tech II, and the Super Power Building were always just a few months away. Now, it’s all out, and we expect him to have a tough time filling the Super Power building and selling those meters to a dwindling membership.

For so long, it was the anticipation of something new that Miscavige relied on. So what does he do now? It turns out, some new project is already in the works to keep the membership in anticipation.

We were forwarded this letter that went out from Lauri Webster of CSRT — the Scientology entity that gathered funds for the Super Power Building. Look at what Lauri mentions most of the way through this missive…


Dear CSRT Contributor,

As you must have heard by now, if you were not personally here at Flag, we had the Grand Opening of the new Flag Building and the release of Super Power this past weekend! This was the biggest event and the most exciting release in the history of our religion!

This has been an incredible accomplishment for all of us, and it would not have been possible without your help. With this new building, the powerful tech of Super Power and the release of the Golden Age of Tech Phase II we, as Scientologists, are now well on the way to making planetary clearing a reality.

On behalf of the executives and staff of the Church of Scientology Religious Trust, I want to thank you for all that you have done to make this possible. As our goal, like yours, is to bring the news of Scientology to others and to reach as many as possible by strengthening and fortifying the focal point for Scientology, this objective of a Cleared Earth is being realized.

CSRT is going to be launching its next project in the coming months — of which you will be hearing more about — you may even see some of our staff in your city! That said, the foundation of our next project is going to be laid by our existing supporters, namely you.

The future, for all of us, depends upon a shoulder-to-shoulder effort once again. Thank you for all you have done to make our victory happen!

Much Love,

Lauri Webster,
CSRT Project In-Charge

P.S. I have enclosed our new gift form and return envelope for you. Please help us launch into our next phase by sending in a donation to the Church of Scientology Religious Trust.

 P.S. — Is that the most halfhearted appeal for cash you’ve ever seen from a Scientology executive? Hm.

So let’s get on to the colorful fliers that came in this week. We’ve got a nice collection from all over the place. Once again, we’ll start at Ron’s home in England…


Hey, Randy! How’s that Student Hat going for you?


Another satisfied family in Silicon Valley, beaming after forking over a truckload of cash…


Hurry up, folks — you only have a few more days to take advantage of your supplicants at the IRS!


More cash for the new auditorium in Los Angeles. Keep on postulating!


Scientology Christmas sermon? Wouldn’t that be cool to sit in on! “75 million years ago, the false image of Jesus Christ was implanted in the alien soul that inhabits your body. There was no Christ. That will be $3,000, payable on your way out. Xenu bless.”


And finally, some Australian eye candy for you youngsters hesitating about signing a billion-year contract.


Thanks again to our great tipsters. Keep those items coming!


Posted by Tony Ortega on December 22, 2013 at 07:00

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