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Scientology Sunday Funnies: The All-Video Version!

David_Love_StillWho said the Sunday Matinee was dead? We’re doing our best to bring it back today with an all-video edition of Sunday Funnies, when we show you the best that our Scientology tipsters have forwarded to us during the week.

And as with any great Sunday feature down at the Bijou, we have a main feature we’ll save for last. It stars that ruggedly handsome man from the northern wilds, David Love (right), who, as you can see, really stretches his acting chops with the addition of a ten-gallon hat.

We think you’ll really enjoy the thrills and chills of that main event. But first, we have a killer lineup of preliminary items to get you into the mood.

What’s a matinee without a cartoon? To start off today’s entertainment, we thought we’d bring back South Park on Scientology. No, not that episode, the one that revealed the story of Xenu in a 2005 episode, “Trapped in the Closet,” and no, not the 2006 episode, “The Return of Chef,” which portrayed the death of “Chef” after Isaac Hayes left the show because of “Trapped in the Closet.”

We’re talking instead about the short 2000 cartoon that Trey Parker and Matt Stone created for the 2000 MTV Movie Awards, which has fun with the big movie bomb that year, Battlefield Earth. But this segment has another distinction: In the days before it aired, Tory Christman, then a volunteer with Scientology’s “Office of Special Affairs,” was doing her best to hassle MTV about showing the cartoon, which Scientologists had somehow learned was going to appear. A few months later, as she continued to do battle on the Internet with critics of the church, she then surprised herself by befriending Andreas Heldal-Lund, proprietor of Operation Clambake, and he helped her get through her very public defection from Scientology, which we were lucky enough to detail in a story for New Times Los Angeles in 2001. (That newspaper no longer exists, but the story still does.)

Anyway, here’s the short cartoon that caused such a fuss. We have to say, it holds up well.



Our next item is very long, at 18 minutes. But you’re probably only going to be able to handle the smug Michael Doven in short bites anyway, so feel free to pause the video and watch it in bite-sized chunks.

Who is Michael Doven? He is a Scientologist who was once Tom Cruise’s assistant, and we’ve written previously about the special role he performed for the church while he worked in Tom’s household. After performing that service for the church, Doven then set about to become the first person to plow through and complete the entire “Basics” — a republication of L. Ron Hubbard’s essential texts and lectures which was issued in 2007, and which members were then under incredible pressure to purchase at $3,000 per set. We’ve heard many stories about people buying multiple sets and storing them in their garages, but Doven was apparently the only one who actually read and listened to the entire thing! And isn’t he proud of himself! (Also, you may remember his wife, Andrea, who we got to see give a graduation speech of her own.)


After that grim tour of Scientology superiority, let’s lighten things up with a new Sea Org recruitment video sent to us by Black Rob, and featuring the galactic patrol kids of Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead, England…


And our final preliminary item is an inspirational promo from Her Royal Governor, Nancy Cartwright, and the other folks working so desperately to raise money for the “Ideal Org” in the San Fernando Valley. These folks are determined to renovate the most expensive empty building in Los Angeles!


And now, time for the Main Event. Ladies and gentlemen, finish popping that popcorn, turn off your cell phones, and quiet down the kids. It’s time for a thriller in the best grindhouse tradition. Starring David Love, Bert Leahy, Colin Henderson, and a diminutive actor working for scale, it’s the Suppressa Palooza Victory Video!


Thanks again to our great tipsters. Keep those mailers and fliers and videos coming!


HollywoodCC44Scenes from the Gala

The stars came out for Scientology’s Hollywood Celebrity Centre gala last night! Here’s what one of our correspondents reported to us after the event had ended…

“Attendance is down 20 to 30 percent from 5 to 7 years ago and no Shelly Miscavage that I could see. But I did not expect that. Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, and Kelly Preston were there, Jenna and Bodhi Elfman. But there are less real celebrities there than 10 years ago. They are very strict about keeping the people who pay for the cheaper seats segregated from the celebs and whales. At the galas they always have speakers who are not Scientologists but have benefited in some way by being connected to one of the social betterment groups. Also, Chick Corea was performing.”

This person adds: “Lee Baca might have been there. For sure no David Miscavige.”

Another correspondent chimes in with some information about speakers that were scheduled at the event…

“One is from law enforcement, who has been affected by toxic chemicals busting up meth labs who found relief in the detox program…Chick Corea will provide entertainment (it was advertised) as well as a magician (a surprise). The last speaker, maybe a politician, is flying in from New York at the last minute after giving another speech earlier on Saturday.”

We still have no report that Shelly Miscavige showed up, and we’re also waiting to hear if Los Angeles Sheriff Lee Baca came through with his plan to make the scene.

Confirmed attendance: John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Kirstie Alley, Anne Archer, Laura Prepon, Michael Peña, Erika Christensen, Jenna Elfman, Bodhi Elfman, Chick Corea, Cedric Bixler-Zavala, Emily Armstrong, Leilani Dowding

And here’s what it was like outside…



Posted by Tony Ortega on August 25, 2013 at 07:00

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