You can either make a one-time donation to the site via Paypal...

...or you can subscribe and get billed monthly:

To join our e-mail list & get daily updates on new stories, e-mail us at
RSS Feed
Click here to add The Underground Bunker to your RSS Reader

Tom Cruise Can Raise the Dead! …And More Scientology Sunday Funnies

Add this to the list of amazing things actor Tom Cruise can do with his Scientology superpowers: he can revive the dead!

We’d heard about this 1972 lecture by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard — it’s one of the more notorious ones and has been referred to numerous times both before and since the Internet came along and made Scientology’s secrets more accessible — but this is the first time we’ve actually heard the lecture itself. In it, Hubbard describes how a Scientology auditor (counselor) can convince a soul — or thetan, in Scientology parlance — to return to its body after a car accident or a drowning. (If the auditor is quick enough and assertive, that is. Hubbard bemoans that in one case he couldn’t get close enough to a drowned Negro to help him in time.)

Enjoy this four-minute excerpt we found on the web and follow along with the transcript we’ve provided below.

Now, to set the scene, we can tell you that this lecture was recorded on Friday, April 7, 1972 aboard the yacht Apollo somewhere on the Atlantic or Mediterranean. Several years previously, Hubbard took to sea after finding his ideas unwelcome in various countries. The nervous laughter you hear in the background are “Sea Org” members — young but incredibly dedicated Scientologists who had pledged their loyalty to Hubbard by signing billion-year contracts. Talk about a captive audience! Anyway, just a couple of things to keep in mind while you listen to the lecture and follow the transcript: A “PC” is a preclear — a person who is getting Scientology auditing in order to achieve a higher state of consciousness known as “clear.” Some PCs are able to “exteriorize,” or leave their physical bodies during this auditing process, and they exteriorize for good when the body dies. A thetan then looks for a new body to pick up, customarily at the local maternity ward. (Which explains the reference to the two-year-old who already has a favorite brand of cigars.) Finally, speaking with “Tone 40” is to use a forceful, full-throated voice that is intended to sway minds…

…if he accidentally startles himself half to death, as having exteriorized or something… I’ve had a PC stuck on the ceiling just begging me, for crissakes, do something! I’ve had phone calls in the middle of the night from auditors and so forth: What do we do, she’s in the attic and we can’t get her out! I’m trapped tight! Five auditors sitting around, one of them had exteriorized, and they couldn’t get her back in her head and dumped her body, and there she lies, and nobody could…

The funniest tale of all of that is — we’ve never had a catastrophe with it — but the funniest tale of all of that is the auditor who all of a sudden had a PC — the English slang term was “do a bunk,” which meant run away or desert — and they started calling this “do a bunk.” This auditor had a PC and the PC did a bunk. Well, when they really do a bunk, boy, they do a bunk.

They’re going past Arcturus, as I’ve said before, at 90 miles an hour, or two light years a second, and really did a bunk. When they do that the whole body collapses and their arms will hang down and they look like an old rag doll that somebody has just grabbed half the stuffings out of.

They really go ruhhhhlllll, that’s it. They don’t roll up on the floor in a prenatal or something like that. They just go. That’s it, you know, boom.

And this auditor talked and talked because they’re still in dim communication, you see. And he talked and talked to her: ”Think of your husband, think of your children, think of…” and so on and he talked and talked to her. He couldn’t get her to come back and pick up the body at all. Until all of a sudden he happened to think, “Think of your poor auditor,” and she came back and picked up the body.

I was just a couple of minutes late. State cops were in my way, but a Negro had been drowned. They were in my road to a point where I couldn’t get to the guy and tell him to pick up the body again, or he would have, don’t you see. And they were busy resuscitating him and that was the end of that. It was too late. He really had done a bunk. He finished.

We’ve actually brought little kids back to life and that sort of thing — just tell them “pick up the body,” you know. Now, you just tell them with Tone 40, just say it around the vicinity, they’re still around. And back they come again.

As a matter of fact, Washington, DC got very mad at a Scientologist one time. He decided he was going to do a bunk and he was going to drop the body and he did. He just had an unpleasant afternoon with IRS, and he came back and he just kicked the bucket. That was it, colder than ice and he just wouldn’t pick up the body again. And they told him and they told him and they told him and he wouldn’t. That was it. He, by the way, has shown up again calling for his favorite cigars at two years old.

But anyhow, the upshot of all of this is, is this opens the door to a fabulous amount of action on your part which will sometimes look very magical, because remedy of havingness in various ways.

Now the only thing that gets wrong with the thing is, what can the guy have? And, you will find that I have just given a demonstration here to the Flag medical officers which is HCOB 7 April 1972 Touch Assist, Correct Ones, which I call your attention to. Now, what’s that all about?

Yes, well this is all about equalizing, and it says at the beginning that this is how you tell a medical doctor about it. On assist, when you’re speaking with medicos, you talk to them in terms of restoring calm in blood and nerve channels. Notice that is in there because that isn’t what you’re doing.

You’re giving him back the havingness of his body.

Hey, suddenly that wacky Tom Cruise video makes more sense. Remember his strange reference to Scientologists being the only ones who can help at the scene of a car accident? Well, Tom, a trained auditor, knows that if he’s not too late, he can lay hands on an accident victim and say in his best Tone 40 voice, “Pick up the body! Pick up the body!” And who knows, maybe he’d be quick enough to breathe life into the recently deceased.

We also can’t help digging the bit there at the end, where Hubbard says he has to put together written instructions for how to snow a physician about what a Scientology auditor is doing when he lays hands on the recently dead. Whatever you do, don’t tell the doctor what’s really going on, that you can resurrect the dead with the power of L. Ron Hubbard’s mind-juju!

And for those of you just hearing for the first time what a Hubbard lecture was like, you now have a sense of the man’s amazing charisma. (At least, that’s what his most recent biographers keep telling us, that Hubbard was the most charming human being who ever lived. What, you don’t hear that in this actual tape of the man? Sacrilege.)

PS: To show you how Scientology has to take everything Hubbard said with strict seriousness, here’s evidence that the church turned this lecture (and others like it) into an official church product, the “Bring Back to Life Assist,” a copy of which is on the web here.

After that, we still have a fun set of Sunday Funnies for you. On Sundays, we like to reveal the latest Scientology fundraising fliers that have been forwarded to us by our loyal tipsters around the world. Let’s dig in!

Hey, the Los Angeles org is looking for 13 members willing to cough up $5,000 each to become lifetime members of the International Association of Scientologists (the church’s defense fund) in time for L. Ron Hubbard’s birthday on March 13! Surely in a city of millions there’s a baker’s dozen of people born yesterday, right?


Nashville has scheduled its LRH birthday bash for the 23rd, which is smart, because that might be enough time for the hip hop duo of David Miscavige and Chill E.B. to fly in after performing at the worldwide celebration in Clearwater, Florida closer to the 13th. At least, that’s the best reason we can come up with.


Once again with the Excalibur riff in ads for the CCHR banquet, and they’re still keeping secret the name of the 15-term member of Congress who will be the guest of honor. (The Citizens Commission on Human Rights is Scientology’s front group that blames the Holocaust on psychiatry.)


Now this looks like it was a rockin’ good time last night at the Dallas org. And we wonder how many Scientologists are waking up this morning in a cold sweat after remembering the size of the checks they wrote last night…


And finally, we just wanted to congratulate this newest class of Scientologists who got nice certificates for something, somewhere. Sure, their wallets are a lot lighter, but just think how quickly this planet is getting cleared.


Once again, thanks to our great tipsters. Keep those fliers coming!


Posted by Tony Ortega on February 10, 2013 at 07:00


Share Button
Print Friendly, PDF & Email