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Sunday Funnies: Let’s Put Scientology Kids to Work!

Our tipsters have really come through for us this week with some fascinating new Scientology mailers. Has there ever been a better time to be a Scientologist? Just look at all the different ways you can donate money!

We’ll start with this weekend’s big event — the International Association of Scientologists (IAS) spectacular that took place in the UK. Each October, several thousand of the faithful gather to listen as, for three hours, Scientology leader David Miscavige takes the stage and goes on and on and on about all of Scientology’s good works and how this prison planet will soon become one big Narconon drug rehab clinic. Or something.

We can only hope someone will leak us video of the event soon. And that Chill EB was allowed to perform one of his amazing rap songs.

Now, some of you were probably not able to go to England this weekend for the big party. But if you’re on the West Coast, you’re still in luck! Have a look at this announcement, which explains how you can be a part of the big celebration. And you won’t just be watching canned video of Miscavige’s UK speech, apparently. The Jive Aces will be on the scene! We figure it’s about time this act blows up in the US.

And for reporters covering the Narconon armageddon in Oklahoma, Georgia, and elsewhere: please note the words “our anti-drug campaign.” To each other, Scientologists never pretend that Narconon is anything but a Scientology program. Try to keep that in mind.


Our next item is going to cause a bit of a stir, we imagine. This message was e-mailed by the Celebrity Centre International, which runs all of the Celebrity Centres around the world. And we wonder if maybe the CCs are experiencing some kind of labor shortage or something after they sent out this Hubbard quote…

UPDATE: Let’s put the text of that quote online so everyone can see it…

I, one time, asked a bunch of mothers why they didn’t shorten the school hours and so forth and make it a little bit easier on the kids and so forth. And they were shocked. And I very carefully cross-questioned them and discovered that, uniformly, these ladies had no idea whatsoever of their child being educated — that there was any advantage whatsoever in learning how to read or write or do things in school, but boy, you sure had a lot of free time there with no kids underfoot!

Now, that’s a brutal statement, but that’s why they put the kids in school, school is a wonderful method. These people, by the way, had children in the third, fourth, fifth, sixth grades. And they were flabbergasted that I would be interested in what the child was being taught and what good it was doing the child.

Well, finally I beat it down. They had — just by the cross-questioning: ‘We’re going to talk to the principal about it’ because it had occurred to them that the child was not being taught anything useful. This had finally come through to them. There was nothing useful in the curriculum.

Now, after the child comes home does he shine his shoes better? Does he know how to wash an automobile? What’s the child being taught? See, I just started using all of the household operations that these women had to do themselves and would like to have done. And they suddenly realized that the state was doing them out of labor. Which of course it is, it’s trying to cut down the labor market. The only reason you have child labor laws is just so you cut down the labor market. Anybody that goes around, ‘Poor little children. They have to work and slave and they work their eyes out’ and so forth. Balderdash! Dirtiest trick you can do on a little kid is keep him from working.

If you make it uniform that no little child can have a job, you’ve immediately consigned him to the prison of an orphan asylum. See? You’ve immediately consigned him to the onerous contribution of Papa and Mama, where he can contribute nothing back. You’ve made him, artificially, into a parasite.

— L. Ron Hubbard, 1st American ACC, Randomity, Automaticity and Ridges, 2 November 1953

We wish we’d received this next mailer a little sooner. We know you would have wanted to attend this dramatic reading that featured the voluptuous horror of Karen Black…

Uh-oh. This next flier has us worried. If Scientologists really do (finally) embrace the Internet and social media, what’s going to keep them off ENTHETA WEBSITES!! One has to assume that Internet genius Elad Hadar will put in some kind of safety guidelines to keep church members from wandering into the ‘net’s unseemly corners. Also, will Hadar drill attendees in the fine art of dropping SP’s from your Facebook friends?

Finally, we have a second entry in what apparently is a series that reassures church members that there are still a few people left on staff to run things as Scientology disintegrates. Andy here is a stalwart member. But whatever you do, don’t tell him about these “computers” that make piles of paper a thing of the past.

Thanks again to our amazing tipsters who keep these mailers and fliers coming. Can’t wait for next week!

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