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Sunday Funnies: Scientology Sets Its Worldwide New Year’s Party!

OT2013New Year’s Eve is one of the biggest days in the Scientology calendar. The church really pulls out the stops with a big party, and then urges members — and their wallets — to attend. What fun!

And this year, the event is coming early! As you’ll see in our weekly collection of Scientology fundraising mailers, an interesting date has been set for the church’s worldwide party welcoming in 2013.

So join us as we look at the items our tipsters sent us this week.

Let’s start with this glitzy invite to LA’s big new year’s party on — get this — Friday, December 28. And note the fine print: that’s an important date because this is a LIVE global event. Does that mean the Scientologists Down Under will be forced to watch a video feed at an odd hour? Well, we look forward to hearing any reports about how this all goes down.


We look forward to reading your thoughts about this come-on for the Purification Rundown, which involves a month of days spent in a sauna, and massive doses of niacin, unscientific quackery that is supposed to flush your “toxins” without any evidence that it does…


The New York org makes a bold new effort to hurt eyeballs with this mess…

Layout 1

Today! In LA! Get down to the Celebrity Centre and learn to make films the LRH way!


And finally, another entry in the church’s series of ads that is supposed to entice members to join staff. This is getting sadder and sadder…


Thanks again to our great tipsters. Keep ’em coming!


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  • 0tessa

    Scientology Inc’s worldwide new year’s event: are they focusing now on global, real time indoctrination? God forbid.
    Ah, what the hell. Let them make themselves ridiculous.

    • BosonStark

      Yes, why not tune in the webcams in your home 24/7 to Scientology’s OSA headquarters, and celebrate Scientology year-round realtime together? Let them monitor your theta levels and assure that your security, including computer activity and 2D, is theta at all times.

      An avalanche of junk mail won’t do it. Jim Jones kept speakers blaring even at night with tapes of his messages. These Thetans need to get the message — to give and up their IAS level — not just on the holidays but every minute. Otherwise their donation levels will drop and they’ll feel wooden.

  • Uncle Randy is creepy, mommy.

    • Yduz

      Very creepy and Mommy why does Uncle Randy always want to know how much I have in my piggy bank?

      • Lord Xenu d’ Medici

        It’s the eyes … the way they pierce right through the logic centers of my mind … the way I know everything will be OK once I hand over my bank routing information and sign the power of attorney paperwork … what’s that Uncle Randy … if i believe the sea is calming then I will find its organization to be the most refreshing place to be …………….. wow ….. a billion years is pocket change in he scope of eternity …..

  • Vistaril

    I’ve never really understood why OTs need to be told anything in writing – surely they can receive relevant information telepathically? And, yeah, dear ole Randy. No doubt his plans for retirement and all necessary funds for such have gone down the Scientology gurgler. What’s he got left – ten years in the file room maybe? Then what? A few hours intensive on the hypno-cans about dropping the body before a midnight flit to some social welfare hospice. Poor sod.

    • sugarplumfairy

      How come they don’t advertise any Astral projection-type meetings for the OT8s? You know, kinda like web conferences for the big beings, except no Internet required.. Oh, that’s right.. They can just advertise it telepathically.. Silly me.. Never mind..

      • N. Graham

        That’s why I like to call Scio orgs and tell them I’ll be attending their events while I’m exteriorizing.

        • sugarplumfairy

          Lol.. Then thanks to you, I’m sure it won’t be long before they figure out a way to exteriorize check books..

  • Randy is 38 years old.

    • You’d be surprised how many elderly Scientologists give another shot at being on staff.

      They were on staff years ago, then quit, then try again, later on.

      It even happens in the Sea Org, where even a few Apollo vets, who quit back when LRH would even okay people to quit, and even others who quit standardly, will petition and get back on staff, even in the Sea Org.

      If there were a way to do some honest surveying of staff, where they come from, it’d be interesting.

      • John Onthego

        You are very right about this. I, after signing a contract to a third org, an elderly gentleman heard me give a recruitment talk and joined staff. After his 22 years of “staff treatment” and not moving up the bridge at all, I finally got him to leave and convince him to continue the bridge with me. I audited him to clear which was his only goal for all those 22 years. Now he’s as happy as a clam (pardon the pun). I felt I had made up the damage I had done for recruiting him in the first place.

        • There’s plenty of ex staff member chat site proof of what you say, that most staff make little case progress while on staff.

          It used to be that if your org had a large internship, lots of intern auditors auditing for the high hours to graduate their internships (like Flag Service Org usually has had), only those larger orgs like the FSO would then have at least some of the staff of those larger orgs, get some case progress.

          Forget about case progress in small and failing orgs, like almost all Scientology orgs are.

          • I can also confirm this statement.

            Chuck can we throw the word “gotten” out the window? it’s so Scientology-ish. They use the word “gotten” in the most disgusting ways.

        • jensting

          making no progress and being driven onto staff (so as to avoid being regged for more processing) was how it stood at the end for Vance Woodward

    • DeElizabethan

      Kidding no? Looks twice that!

    • Randy has a sweet deal, he gets to knock off at 4:00 to make the early-bird special at the Denny’s on Sunset.

      • Midwest Mom

        It’s his second job – he’s a busboy there.

        • sugarplumfairy

          Boy, i missed you, mom..

          But actually, i think he’s a chef now.. He literally “makes” the early-bird special..

          • Midwest Mom

            spf looks directly into camera for punchline – followed by a rimshot on the snare drum.

            “Ba Dum Tssssssh!!!!”

  • 1subgenius

    Speaking of New York we miss “I smell puthy” man John Carmichael.

  • Xenu’sAdvocate

    Flyer #1: My guess is that, like Augustus Caesar, DM decided to steal a couple of days from another month of the year because its not fair that the month of his birth is short as well.

    Flyer #2: Oh nos, I am totally toxic! Except for 2 and 3 I must answer T for everything (I am not sure what feeling ‘wooden’ means if the ‘or’ here is inclusive with respect to ‘lifelessness’, and I don’t experience flashbacks, so yay me!) Of course the rest of these are either true of every human being, true by definition (irritability and anxiety by definition are not directed at anything in particular thing) or the effect of aging. Of course, according to Dianetics, a clear doesn’t age… or have to wear glasses… Just don’t tell that to Randy from flyer # 5 since obviously he is a hard case, didn’t solve these issues at OT8 and will have to wait for OT 9 to be released. It looks like they better hurry!

    Flyer #3: Are we supposed to channel our OT forces to LRH at target two or something?

    Flyer #4: Great, I can use LRH tech to make me successful in Hollywood, just like how he turned his script ‘Revolt in the Stars’ into a blockbuster smash-hit even bigger than star-wars! And how can we forget that he went on to inspire Trovolta’s oscar nominated film, ‘Battlefield Earth’!

    • The routine displacing of the actual New Year’s event date, has gone on for over a decade now.

      The reason mainly is to video and allow editing time of the event, so it can be emailed/gotten to the churches for New Year’s events held at each church.

      So the LA 28th date, is the same as it was last year, I know, I went to witness it myself, and I did a tiny report on my failed attempt to get into the event.

      I got to see Tory and Karen delaCarriere and others instead.

      One thing about the events, is that the RPF does the setups, starting on the 26th or 27th, and if a paparazzi wants to get good photos of RPF members, such photos are great for telling how internal Sea Org history is going. (Since who gets demoted to the RPF is always somewhat a preview of who might in the years to come, escape or defect, and speak up about the latest inside the whole top ranks culture of the Sea Org, that’s the way I view these once a year opportunities to catch those fleeting glimpses of who on the RPF is assigned to go do the setups.)

      Also, behind the scenes, just realize that the RPF have to be transported, by bus, by the bus the complex Sea Org motorpool utilizes, and thus, on that brief bus trip from the complex to the Shrine, where the setups are done, by the RPFers, is another moment when the outside world, if people see the bus route, can get messages, via signs aimed at the bus windows. Like: “Call XXX-XXXX-XXX HOMELAND SECURITY needs evidence of Human Trafficing”

      “If you want out and need help, call 866-XSEAORG”

      Anyone who wants to help on the 866-XSEAORG line, call me. 412-260-1170 Chuck Beatty


        Doug Owens took most these great all time streetview history photos, and I’ve written comments to the important ones.

        Each Sea Org member on the RPF, especially the older people, have huge huge long histories, and stories that intertwine.

        The people in these photos, some, are also in church promotional material, them smiling and play acting like normal citizens, for the church dissemination materials.

        Then, they do their time on the RPF, for the almost universally inevitable scapegoating, that the Hubbard Scientology Sea Org staff environment forces upon them, especially if they have taken on roles of higher responsibility.

        Lots of fine people in these photos, I have fond memories of almost all of them.

        Big thanks to Doug Owens.

        Anyone want to be at the right place at the right time, to take future history photos, call me, I’ll advise, and put you in touch with Doug, since he knows the scene very well.

        • The way I see it, those who are taking photos and videos, of the Sea Org people, and the RPF people, this is Scientology history photo paparazzi taking. It is good raw history, useful to gauge Scientology’s health and any change, and also to take note of future defectors (RPFers often become the ones who later speak out, once they finally get ground to a pulp and quit).

      • Rick Mycroft

        For people elsewhere, finding out when your local org’s event is could be useful. To bulk out the numbers attending, they sometimes bus members between orgs in nearby cities. (e.g. Toronto-Buffalo) To make that work, they have to offset the event in one of the cities to the next weekend. With the dates in each city, the cities that are insecure in their numbers should be obvious.

        I’m not sure who this tactic is meant to impress. The members must know, especially the ones that just got off the bus. Do they try to invite gullible “community leader” types to these events?

        (Imagine having to watch the damned thing twice on consecutive weekends. BLEH!)

      • No; it’s quite simple really. The even is held on the 28th because if they scammed you on New Year’s Eve, it wouldn’t do them any good: the banks are closed the next day. By cunningly holding the event on the 28th, they can plunder your kids’ college fund and have the money safely stashed in the Cayman Islands before you come to your senses.
        Scientologists may not be good for much, but when it comes to scamming, they’re world class professionals.

        • grundoon

          Last chance for a deduction from this year’s taxes.

      • jensting

        “and if a paparazzi wants to get good photos of RPF members” WHAT did we say in the secret briefing about revealing the plans for the documentary makers’ filming? Huh?!?

  • sugarplumfairy

    Lol.. I love how even if you answer every question with a negative (“if you answered yes to 3 or fewer,”) you’re still toxic and you should sign up for the purification program..

    • Yduz

      Yeah I noticed that too and geez seriously “feeling wooden”? As to the rest – everyone has those days and those feelings from time to time – nothing to do with drugs past or present – it is called being human and alive….but try telling that to scientology

    • magister ludi

      You’d have to be Vulcan not to say yes to half of those stupid questions. They should have added “do you ever have trouble remembering 7 digit numbers.”

  • Yduz

    Rescheduled? Needed a smaller venue perhaps? Silly Scientology – maybe someone dropped their hat and forgot to book the room for the correct night? Waited too long to book? just wondering

    • I bet they weren’t able to get the Shrine on the 31st, which is understandable. But now it sounds like they had this event scheduled and have now had to re-schedule. Just another sign that things are unraveling at INT. Maybe Davey was too busy combing over Martys PC folders.

  • Yduz

    The NY poster is awful and hard on the eyes….and this is where the action is? WOW just wowo

  • Johnson

    The Toxicity Test… So if you answer yes to “3 or LESS questions,” “4-7 questions” or “8 or MORE questions” then you may need to be cleansed scientology-style. So if you even look at this pathetically vague questionnaire then you’re doomed. I’ll be calling 714-544-5491 to set up a consultation immediately…

    • ze moo

      Of course, you could just ingest more bran, have a nice bowel movement and be just as clean.

      • sugarplumfairy

        Or try and read dianetics.. That’ll knock the stuffing out of you..

        • BosonStark

          Just trying to read Dianutty not only expanded my space, I shit my pants and and never felt so detoxified in my entire lives.

          • sugarplumfairy

            Angry gay pope says something to the effect: i always thought the only use for dianetics was as toilet paper, but my attorneys inform me that dianetics is so full of sh*t, that it’s not able to absorb any more..

    • N. Graham


    • Midwest Mom

      I’m too fatigued to fill out the questionnaire.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        Man I wish I could give you a direct adrenaline drip straight from you to me.
        It would be a win/win situation!

  • mirele

    Nobody noticed the “Godfather” style graphic in the bottom left of the NY OT Committee flyer?? “New York OT Committee THE THETA FAMILY.” If that’s not creepy, I don’t know what IS.

    • Observer

      Good catch! I wonder if they’re trying to restimulate engrams caused by sleeping with the fishes.

  • “The New York org makes a bold new effort to hurt eyeballs with this mess…” You crack me up Tony:)
    So the most important thing about Randy is that he’s a “patron’? Geez, they don’t even have to mention the IAS alongside it, I guess everyone just knows what it means. “Look Randy used to have more money than you.”
    Hollywood really does put on a lot of airs, but it’s unbelievable how status concious $CNS are. I never understood that.

    • grundoon

      IAS status consciousness is only a postulate that Miscavige intends to drive in on the public. All PRs and regges are trying their hardest to make it stick.

  • Observer

    New Year Scientology Style = we’ll take your 2013 income before you even earn it!  Judging by the poster, this event will take place in the Tron universe.

    “If you answered ‘Yes’ to 3 or less of the questions you could have a level of accumulated toxins affecting your ability to think clearly”. Scientology, where there’s always something wrong with you even if there’s nothing wrong with you, at least until you let them “fix” you. Then there’ll be all kinds of things wrong with you.

  • Lord Xenu d’ Medici

    If the major purpose of the NY OT Committee is to help LRH organize and channel OT forces:

    1). Does that mean he’s alive somewhere and has been waiting to overthrow Miscavige?
    2). Does that mean he’s a non-corporeal entity trying to gather strength for a Sauron-like return to England (aka Middle Earth)?

    • BosonStark

      Maybe LRH lives inside every clam today? It can’t be easy having a 3-pack-a-day man smoking away inside you.

      Organizing and channeling OT forces — what does that even mean? So much in Scientology is code for “We want your money” or “We need you to work to get money out of others.” It sounds like they want to get a bunch of OT’s to combine their powerful brain beams to do something miraculous, but they have no ritual to do that other than performing credit checks on unsuspecting members.

      “OT” is partly code for the wealthier members, or at least people who are hard core deluded and devoted. Most OT’s, who weren’t bankrupted by it, have money and are deluded enough, reveling in being “elite” (since there’s really little else to revel in) which makes them easy marks for money extraction.

      This kind of shows a fatal flaw in the longevity of a space cult like Scientology compared to other religions. Getting together to view videos, or see performances (rapper rides in, in a Mercedes) is not the same as communal prayer, communal singing, and meditation which form the basis for other religions. The communal confession of “wins” at the end of courses does not replace that, nor do these save-the-planet rallies or theme parties that revolve around money extraction.

  • What is it with those TIES? Does anyone know? Is this some sort of fake tie because learning how to knot one is too difficult? Or maybe Seo Orgs members just don’t have the spare time?

    • Semper Phi

      They have zippers in them. The knot is permanently tied, and there is a zipper in it. You put the loop over your head, zip it up and–voila!–perfect Ideal Org Tie, every time. They are standard issue for the Ideal Org uniforms.

    • sugarplumfairy

      Sea ogres have a planet to clear.. Tying a tie takes 2 minutes a day.. Multiply that by 8 million sea ogres.. That’s a lotta minutes that could be better spent bull-baiting..

    • magister ludi

      They are fake because it would be impossible to get the knot correct with that color pattern. This makes it very amusing- there can be no illusion that any staff member wears grown-up ties.

      • BosonStark

        Either that, or you you know they are from outer space.

      • Rick Mycroft

        It’s possible to do. The front end is blue with an extra inch or so, the rest is that silvery color. After some practice getting the length and knot right, doing it consistently wouldn’t be too hard.

        • magister ludi

          True, but you have a 1.5 inch margin, so at least in my case, I would screw it up time after time.

        • John P.

          Getting it right only works if you are normally proportioned. If one is significantly overweight, say with a 20″ neck instead of the average 16,” you will have a problem if you both try to tie your tie in the right spot and also to have the tip of your tie touch the top of your belt, which is the standard “dress for success” recommendation. Those folks will have the point where the color changes from dark to silver plainly visible in the body of the tie. That suggests the cult has gone with the zipper style that is used on cheap polyester kids’ ties.

          • magister ludi

            And subconsciously, the knot tension varies with your mood, and the belt distance is an estimate at best.

  • According to IMDB, the Lirs have done 9 productions in the last dozen years, most of which were between 3 and 12 minutes. That’s the good old LRH PR for ya! I wonder if they make “short” movies because of Davie…

    • Semper Phi

      And I’m sure their mention that they “have worked alongside celebrities such as Paris Hilton” is really going to pack ’em in.

      • N. Graham

        And celebrities such as Tennis Champion! Be still my heart. How fast can I get to LA from Michigan?

  • Semper Phi

    Notice that they don’t bill this as a New Year’s EVE event. They’re only celebrating the New Year, not the Eve. They hold the live event early, then edit it and send it out to the orgs worldwide for the local events. New York’s event is on Sunday, the 30th.

    Here’s the video come-on for the event: (I hope the link works…)

    • magister ludi

      Scientologists must not have much on their calendar. If I got an invite 16 days before the Friday between Christmas and New Years, I’d be throwing that in the trash.

    • mirele

      Looks like Scientology’s been watching videos for “hipster-style” evangelical Protestant churches.

  • ze moo

    Join the New York OT committee, any scientologist can apply. What you don’t have to be an OT to be a member?? Why spend all that money then?? You can get all the privileges of an OTee without spending the time or money.

    It looks like that guy in middle right side has captured Zemu again…

    • sugarplumfairy

      Wow.. I just got your name.. I thought it was something about a cow with a French accent.. No wonder dianetics and everything else lrh ever wrote went straight over my head..

      • ze moo

        I am a brown swiss bull. We speak french and german in Switzerland. I wear the tin foil hat (le chapeau de feuille détain or einen Alufolie hut) to keep the cooties out of my brain. It doesn’t always work….

        • 1subgenius

          lrh couldn’t figure out if it was spelled “Xenu” or “Xemu”.
          Wouldn’t that be a clue for scilons?

          • magister ludi

            But he could remember a 300 digit number – the number of years back his hole-track went back. That’s pretty good- unless you are making it up as you go along.

        • sugarplumfairy

          Wow.. A bilingual bovine.. Ya don’t get to meet one of those every day.. Frohe Weihnachten.. manger du poulet..

    • grundoon

      In Scientology you never get privileges without spending time or money. That would be out-exchange, a Scientology sin. And mostly what you get is the privilege to spend yet more and more time and money.

  • BosonStark

    Celebrate “Scientology style.” Uh oh, we all know what that means — check, cash or credit card. Why don’t they say something enticing, like 2013 could be the year the planet is clear finally, and they can begin plans (“regging”) for the Space Org?

    After all, the Jack Reacher movie will be out, and that’s going to clear another 2 billion people at least — introducing them to LRH tech — just as Tom Cruise has done in the past, except for a few pointy-teeth girlfriends and wives who seem to have left the crock behind after close encounters of the 2D kind with Cruise. Maybe his theta was too strong and can only be beamed on the screen?

    For Xenu’s sake! Is Stupid Powerz not going to open in 2013?

    • “Scientology style.”is an oxymoron and when the hell are they going to stop saying “Reserve your tickets now!” Please, they have to call you at least 5 sometimes 10 times to beg you to come and then NO ONE ever asks for an actual ticket. They can’t even be honest about that! Scientology is one big bogus commercial.

    • grundoon

      Those dorky neckties tell you all that you’ll ever need to know about Scientology Style.

  • DeElizabethan

    New Years Eve on Friday? must have something to do with money. Also they say “must be seated by 6:30” They always say that for every event and it Never happens, like add an hour on to it starting.

    The Purif can replace auditing, ha ha.

    OT committee, yes any member can join these committees headed by usually one OT, in fact they need you very much….

    Hollywood, do it Ron’s way? What movies has he made and where are his credentials?

    Randy? wow, are they running out of kids and need the old timers Patron OT’s to be interested? Interesting. Slim chances and grabbing at straws.

  • BosonStark

    I’m pondering the notion of a “scientology style,” celebration, besides the obvious one of donating. It could be these other things too:

    Camera party hats instead of regular party hats.
    PI’s hired to follow you.
    Getting calls on your cell phone during the celebration, making sure you’re on course.
    Doors blocked until you donate something.
    Super paranoia about psych-funded party crashers.
    Lot’s of Xenu denial, e.g., “Never heard of it!”
    New Year’s “win” resolutions coupled with security checks on missed “withholds” from the previous year. (Why are you even making those win resolutions, unless you have crimes?)

    • sugarplumfairy

      little meat body appetizers instead of those cocktail meatballs??

      • Midwest Mom

        Wogs in a blanket? Cob Salad? Big Being Dip?

        • TheNextMrsTomCruise

          Am thinking Big Being Dip consists of a bunch of hapless RPF’ers wading through a pond of excrement?

          • Midwest Mom

            Dahhling, that’s the degraded being dip. Big Being Dip is reserved for DM and your fiance’, TC,.and is made with clams and the salt from young Sea Org workers’ tears.

    • sugarplumfairy

      Cal-Mag martinis instead of those boring pomegranate-cranberry ones?

      • TheNextMrsTomCruise

        Niacin shakes made with rice and bean frappe

    • sugarplumfairy

      Oooohhh.. Party games.. Spin the e-meter? Pin the tail on COB?

      Ok.. I’ll stop now..

      • TheNextMrsTomCruise

        Oh Fairy, how could you omit musical chairs? Isn’t that DM’s favorite game?

        • BuryTheNuts2

          OMG>>>You are back! HUGGS…
          You guys are awesome when you are like, the doublemint twins.!

          • TheNextMrsTomCruise

            Sheesh! I leave you people alone for a week or two, and I come back and have to read for two days to catch up! Somebody should write a book 🙂

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Uh,no…No one needs a permanent record of this crap now do they????????????????????

  • Did you notice that Randy is wearing glasses? He is an OT 8! He was supposed to have perfect eyesight at “clear”. Yay! The tech works.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Had the same thought about those glasses.
      Hell, he is OT VIII…does he even need eyes?

      • magister ludi

        OTVIIIs only need eyes to see patio furniture after dusk

    • grundoon

      Now he’ll have to retread Clear, thanks to you spilling the beans!

      • Damn, this whole time I just thought CLEAR was the thing I signed up for to whizz through airport security! You mean to tell me I’z got sooperpowerz too? Thanks TSA!

    • Jon Hendry

      Non-prescription lenses?

      Fucking hipsters.

  • N. Graham

    This is somewhat off-topic but is the Anti-Scientologist community aware of Squirrel Girl? Created by Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko, she has amazing squirrel powers. We should enlist her in the fight! Does anyone know how to get in touch with her? CHECK IT OUT!!!

    • sugarplumfairy

      I have nuts.. =)

      • BuryTheNuts2

        ? Uh, Do tell?
        Do you have photos?
        DOX please!

        • sugarplumfairy

          Lol.. Hey, bury.. Have you checked out the community tab for this blog? Apparently, you and I are the biggest mouths here.. High five!!

          • BuryTheNuts2

            LOL…Sweet! High five back atcha.

  • I won’t join “Staff”… but I’ll give him $5.00 for that cool cult tie.

    • magister ludi

      Nothing says classy like a clip-on! But really, whatever happened to the matching capes?

    • ermergersh

      You can get your own tie if you take a stress test and sign up for a year’s worth of Purif Rundowns.

  • BosonStark

    You’d think that New Year’s is their biggest holiday — new reg cycle and all — because they don’t have any embarrassing “There was no Christ,” conflicts with the sacred teachings of Dr. Hubtard.

    However, in keeping with their sacred ecclesiasticalness, shouldn’t they really be celebrating 63 AD (After Dianutty) rather than 2013 AD (After the time of the implant)? This was the calendar St. Elron suggested they use. Maybe a reporter should ask Tom Cruise when that transition will take place? Will it be when all the “SPs are in the history books”?

    Seriously, why hasn’t David Miscavige — or at least Marty Rathbun — established the calendar of BD/AD as Dr. Hubtard wanted? He’s not going to get any deader than he already is, and if you’re waiting for him to come back, you might as well wait until Hell freezes over, in which case LRH will have trouble keeping his cigarettes lit.

    • John Onthego

      Remember the rumors that Suri Cruise with “postulated” to be the reincarnation of the Great One… but then she turned out to be a girl…. and we all know that wouldn’t work for them… it’s not the “hat” of a woman (from Marriage Hats).

  • John Onthego

    On the Purif Rundown, the “wooden-ness” is replaced with the “plastic-ness.”

  • magister ludi

    I’m wondering what benefits $cientology gets from trademarking everything. As a “religion” anyone is free to practice it. But if you read the fine print, “purification program,” “the bridge,” OT, $cientology, and even scientologist are all trademarked. Can they go after someone for “trademark dilution?”

  • Chocolate Velvet

    Listening to the tape this time, it occurred to me how simplistic and wishful hubbard’s basic idea of the mind was. If only it were that easy. But when I was a scientologist I never questioned the fundamental model of the ‘mind’ on which all of dianetics and, really, scientology were based. Indeed, what evidence was there that there existed a ‘bad mind’ and a ‘good mind,’ and that you could re-file everything (as if minds were computer-like) from the bad mind to the good mind and then ‘erase’ the bad one, like a software program? Why am I able to see this now if I was unable to do so then? I don’t fully know, but a lot of the answer is now clear to me.


    Eeeep!  Just flipping channels during half-time in this exciting Broncos game, and I came across the “Hollywood Christmas Parade”.

    I thinks to myself: Hmm, isn’t this COS sponsored?  It’s weirdly stiff and totally c-list, just like the COS.  Let’s watch!

    So I watch for five minutes, and sure enough, here comes a big blow-up pirate guy, apparently from one of L Ron’s pirate storiesz. Then they mention their kind sponsors at Author Services, and take us on a little “tour” of their building.  One static shot of a sci-bot spewing bland praises in a room full of Ronnie’s books.  Yay!  

    So many bad celebrities, and awful music.  Wait, the Cherry Creek High School marching band, from Denver?  WTF?  Well, they are a very “upstat” and “able” community.  Ripe for the picking!  All I can say is, those band chaperones better take a head count before they fly home.

    Back to the game…

  • BuryTheNuts2

    How Toxic am I?

    1.Have you felt fatigued now and then for no apparent reason?
    A. Yes. Almost every evening I get an overwhelming need to
    sleep for five to eight hours at a time. Can I fix that? Yippee!
    2.Do you ever feel wooden or lifeless?
    A. Um, I am guessing this is a NO…as I am trying to understand
    what wooden feels like and I am getting nothing here. Oh wait…..I just went
    whole track for a second and have a dim memory of being a piece of teak deck
    plank on the titanic. No, wait, sorry…I wasn’t a teak plank…I was a brass
    doorknob in steerage…Sorry…answer still is NO…let’s move on.
    3. Have you experienced drug “flashbacks”
    A. Yes. Can this get me some more of those? Where do I sign up?
    4. Do you feel less alert than you used to?
    A. No. I wish! People would pay good money to turn down the volume on
    my alertness! And being alert does not mean you cannot also be totally obtuse. You are just aware of it at the time.
    5. Do you sometimes get a feeling of lightheaded-ness or a
    feeling of being “spaced out”?
    A.Yes. (Please refer to answer 3)
    6. Do you feel irritable without reason or cause?
    A. No. I manage to find the reason or cause every darn time.
    7. Do you have unexplained aches and pains?
    A. Negative again. Oh wait, I did break my arm when I was
    six and sometimes before it rains it aches…oh wait…I guess THAT explains
    it. Nevermind.
    8. Do you find it difficult to get excited about people and
    A. No. I am easily amused.
    9. Do you find you feel anxious but don’t know why?
    A. Nope. There you guys go again, negating the answer you really
    want by adding “but don’t know why”?
    10. Do you have trouble learning new things even when you
    are interested in them?
    A. No. In fact, I usually dive in and get ass to elbows into the middle of something if it interests me….until I am completely satisfied that I know:
    a. all my particular brain can comprehend.

    b. enough that I am starting to get bored.

    OK, so now lets check our math….
    Oh lookie here!
    I need Scientology to fix me.

    Well, I would sign right up but the only part of Scientology I want is that cool vacant 1000 yard stare.
    But I am already up to a good 978 yards on my own.
    So I guess I will pass in favor of something much more important.

    • Guest

      CoS has the cure for PMS! WOOT!

    • They really should be more specific about what kind of “wood”. Because I feel wood every morning when I wake up. Come to think of it I feel kind of lifeless in the morning too. I guess Scientology is a combination of a hot shower and coffee?

      I know you missed me 🙂

  • subsilentio

    At least in previous years, ex-Chief Cramming Officer Dennis Erlich, the ex-Scientologist who basically kicked off the alt.religion.scientology war in 1995, was in charge of a lot of the production of this parade. He even has an IMDB entry for one year, as a “writer,” although he did it other years as well.

    If Scientology had anything to say about it, a guy like Dennis Erlich would not have had anything to do with it.

    I would not be surprised if they sponsor it in some way, though.

  • subsilentio

    And it looks like the Scientology sponsorship is through Author Services this year.

    They apparently sponsored the pirate balloon. That’s appropriate, since they’re a bunch of thieving scallywags.

  • BuryTheNuts2

    That NY OT poster is so “busy” it is giving me an Ocular Migraine.

    Being Cause in Hollywood!
    Why would you mention “working alongside such celebrities as Paris Hilton”, like,…on purpose.

  • 1subgenius

    Off topic: Jenna “AIDS is a state of mind” Elfman (new series coming out on NBC, who apparently didn’t get the memo), and Rex Fowler (‘memba him?). How’s he doing without the cans, I wonder?

    OK, now back to our regular programming.

    • dbloch7986

      The show looks terrible. I saw the previews. So do all the other shows that NBC is piloting. The only thing I watch on NBC is the news and football.

  • EnthralledObserver

    Did anyone see this story at Australian news site ninemsn involving scientology – where a grandfather was banned by the courts to give his troubled grandson scientology treatment… I have no idea how to put in a link, but I’ll give it a try.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Yeah, I was going to put up a link but the story was kind of aborted.
      Either way, I am glad they told grand-dad to pound sand.
      He sounds like a controlling shithead…like, say DM or Tom Cruise.

    • sugarplumfairy

      good job with the link, enthralled..

      “..A court-appointed doctor said the grandfather had poor personal boundaries and an “idiosyncratic” belief system he had “imposed on the mother in the past, to the detriment of her mental health”..”

      I love Australia..

  • BuryTheNuts2

    Hey all, I know Derek Bloch has been absent here lately. And I know how much most of you care about him. (As do I)
    I just wanted to tell you that Derek is doing alright and I am chatting with him right now.
    He said he will check in soon.
    He has a little bit o “Stuff” going on….(holy shit don’t we all!)…
    But I know several of you will appreciate that update.

    • Thank you BTN! I have been super busy at work. I’ve been keeping up on the articles but missing the comments, unfortunately. Hopefully next week is calmer.

      • Midwest Mom

        Sending love to you, boo.

        • sugarplumfairy

          ditto here..

          • dbloch7986

            Thanks you guys! I love you too. I’m losing my mind at work right now. I have to keep reminding myself “It’s not the Sea Org”. Because if it was I wouldn’t be getting two days off to visit my family starting next week!

            • Two days, oh lord LOL. I meant two weeks…

  • D.Geiger

    Just found this from the U.K.hope that it is a sign of the times for the future of this cult.

    • Observer

      OMG and WTF is wrong with that grandpa? Aside from Scientology, of course.

      • ermergersh

        He must be pretty fixated on those touch assists. Yuck. It’s not funny when it concerns kids.

    • Espiando

      And I’m sure that all Australians will graciously point out to you how much they’re a part of the UK.

      • John P.

        Just like all those Canadians seem to get bent out of shape when people think they’re part of the US. Particularly those from Toronto, a small hamlet in the furthest reaches of upstate New York.

        • magister ludi

          We are quite fortunate to be situated adjacent to Canada and Mexico. Most ‘mericuns don’t even realize it. Not sure about the Canadians selling their oil companies to certain, umm, other nations, but that’s neither here nor, well it is. Nevermind:)

  • John P.

    My comment comes a bit late today, because, despite the dismal weather, we were out early doing some fun stuff, and I just got back. It’s amazing what opportunities there are for recreation in New York even when the weather is so dismal that the plane stays in the hangar and the yachts never leave their berths.

    New Year’s Celebration: Yes, it’s kind of interesting that the gala event is three days before actual New Year’s Eve… I am guessing that the cult, given its general level of technical backwardness, needs time to make 16mm prints of the film they shoot and have it FedEx’d to Ideal Orgs worldwide?

    Seriously, this whole idea of doing delayed videocasts of significant live events seems very strange. When I’ve been involved in global events in an earlier career, they’ve always gone to great trouble to have the people attending at remote locations feel that they’re more than passive lumps in seats. Often, this would be done with a program that combines local live action with the main televised event. So if this is a big fundraising spectacular, you would think they would have local entertainment (not just reg’s to squeeze money out of people), not just video. Of course, that presupposes that there are people who don’t know what’s in store and are thus actually interested in showing up to these events and who aren’t pulling every trick in the book to avoid answering the incessant phone calls “inviting” them. Perhaps the cult correctly figures that if nobody is going to show up anyway, why bother to have live entertainment at the local sites…

    How toxic are you? As always, whenever I read something about the Purification Rundown, I marvel at the inherent stupidity in the underlying “research.” Hubbard believed that drug residue stayed in the body forever, leading to consequences like LSD “flashbacks” that can strike at any time with the potency of the original dose. This view sounds like the sort of thing that originated in the Victorian era, where they also believed that the sin of masturbation could be cured by eating corn flakes (look up the biography of W. K. Kellogg, anti-masturbation activist who founded the cereal company if you don’t believe me). This belief was largely discredited even with the relatively primitive understanding of pharmacodynamics at the time he came up with this nonsense, decades after the rest of the Victorian silliness was widely laughed at.

    Drugs are either effective, dangerous or both, precisely for the opposite reason. They are highly metabolically active. In other words, the body gets rid of them extremely quickly. The best anesthetic agents (propofol, remifentanyl, sevoflurane, etc) bind extremely quickly to nerve receptors. In other words, they react quickly. Once they react, they start to decay. The metabolic decay rate for various drugs is predictable and well understood; anesthesiologists select agents of different categories based on the degree of reactivity. And all chemically reactive compounds are eliminated from the body eventually. Statistically, the chance that a single atom of propofol remains in the body a week after administration is almost indistinguishable from zero, though a scientist would never claim that it is actually zero.

    The only chemical compounds that are likely to remain in the body are typically either inert compounds or extremely unusual toxins like plutonium. Artificial heart valves and other implants are made of Teflon and other plastics that are as close to chemically inert as possible, because the body will eventually break down almost anything that is reactive at all.

    Of course, other commenters have already pointed out that the questions here are so inane that nearly any living, breathing human who answers honestly will get a score of at least 4. I wonder if cultists are so far gone down the mental rabbit hole that they don’t recognize this, or if they see it and just ignore the silly mailing pieces.

    NY OT Committee: This is actually the most amusing one of the bunch, but the crazy is quite subtle. You have to really look at it. First, note the logo in the lower left corner. It’s the same type style as the main title from “The Godfather” and “The Sopranos.” In other words, Mobster Moderne Demi-Bold. Is “The Theta Family” another branch of La Cosa Nostra, like the Gambinos or Rigatonis? Actually, the established Sicilians ought to be envious of “The Theta Family” and their ability to separate suckers from money illegally.

    The graphics are so low budget it just screams. Note the underlay, the words in the background underneath the pictures and headline text. First, note that the left edge of the words are aligned in even columns as your eye runs down the page. Any competent graphic artist would know how to space the words regularly across the page and flow them from line to line. Left-justifying these underlay words makes the ad look like it was done in Word by a sixth grader. Also note the silly errors: on the top center of the page, “camaraderie” is misspelled. And under the photos, above the line “This is where the action is,” the word “community” is repeated right next to itself.

    Oh, and of course, we shouldn’t get so completely lost in the low-quality production values and forget that the “OT Committee” is supposed to be the “biggest beings” in each org, the high-ranking OT members, who are supposed to spearhead all these initiatives to clear the planet. But apparently, recruiting the dwindling number of super-powered OT’s to this exalted function must be getting tough, since the bottom of the page points out that any Scientologist can join. So much for the exclusivity of being an OT. Now even riff-raff on their first courses can be as powerful as you, rubbing shoulders with celebrities and disaster victims.

    Being Cause in Hollywood: What happened to Anne Archer, Mark Isham and all those other big “names” flouted at the Freewinds convention on success in Hollywood that appeared a few months ago? Now I’m going to get advice from Daniel and his lovely wife Swamp Bayou, who, as someone ably pointed out, have a couple of three-minute short films in their IMDB credits list. Swell.

    And what will these two heavyweights teach me? LRH PR tools. You mean like the ones Karin Pouw wields with such wicked effectiveness? I can see it now. I’m waiting for a press release titled “Sheldon Skrubnitz of Skrubnitz Productions calls Academy ‘Bitter, Disgruntled Apostates’ for Overlooking His Most Recent Cinematic Epic.” Boy, that sort of “confront and shatter” for the suppression coming from the major studios will get him a development deal in no time at all.

    Randy: With the cheap black/white tie and black coat, Randy looks like one of those undertakers who are just that little bit too unctuous and sincere-sounding that you don’t trust them a bit. One of the ones that they discover years later has been just flushing the ashes down the toilet so he doesn’t have to pay the $50 to have them scattered at sea. Also, note the lack of a collar stay inside the left collar point on his shirt. It kind of ruins the look, but I realize that collar stays at $1.99 per package of 24 are a luxury that one probably can’t afford on a staff $50/week salary.

    Also, it’s interesting that Randy is listed as a patron. That meant he has shelled out a minimum total of $50,000 in IAS donations. The mind instantly wonders whether he’s now on staff because he has given away everything, including any 401(k) cash, and being on staff is better than being on the street?

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Wow JP! That is a RANT I can get behind….

      As you know!
      ….LOL….It is nice that someone is so much more articulate than i am 🙂

    • Ivan Mapother

      Nice call, that was a helmet down, spear to the back hit on the cult. I do detect a hint of a man who didn’t cover the Giants spread though.

      • John P.

        We at Global Capitalism HQ don’t really find betting on football games all that exciting. Well, maybe the traders do, but they’re Neanderthals and are not known for their thinking skills. Think: fighter pilots with MBA’s. Those of us who make the big decisions are in the business of managing or avoiding risk entirely. If we don’t think we have a better model for making the right decision, we don’t put money on it. And we’re very, very skeptical of our own thought processes. So what we do is anything but betting.

        In fact, several years ago, one of the supermodels that I was particularly fond of wanted to go to Atlantic City, so after much pleading, we went. She went off to play the slots. In slots, the odds of winning are ludicrously bad; the deck is blatantly stacked against you because there is no way to compute the odds; we know from our investments in casinos that the “expected value” of $1 in the slots is about $0.85, meaning that each pull of the handle leaves you about 15 cents poorer, on average. I wandered, people-watching. As I was watching the action at the craps table from an appropriate distance, I found myself confronted by several managers, with a couple security guards discreetly behind me. They asked, “why aren’t you playing?” I realized they must have thought that I was casing the joint. I replied, “I’m not playing because these games are boring and are a really bad investment. I trade technology stocks on Wall Street for my day job. I can lose more of my client’s money in an hour than everybody who walks in here loses in a week.” As I hoped, that took the wind out of their sails. It is also true — we’re playing with serious money at Global Capitalism HQ, and we can compute the odds of winning in casinos. It’s not worth it.

    • sugarplumfairy

      Lol.. Mobster moderne Demi-bold.. Very interesting take on co$ and it’s cosa nostra nature.. I have to say, I like the uniforms in co$ better–especially the ties.. And I recognize the gambinos, but the rigatoni family is unfamiliar.. they do sound delicious, though..

    • The events are a 3 hour tirade, delivered exclusively by the Dear Leader of Scientology, David Miscavich. Even at the live event first you spend time feeling like a useless lump in a chair, and then after 3 hours of droning voices and NFL-style graphics and music you go outside and get treated like a steak made of money fresh out of the bank.

      There is no interest in being interactive or even encouraging any kind of thought or participation. Everything is presented entirely as fact and you’re expected to interpret everything literally without question, personal judgement or input from you. It is like one of the Nazi speeches that Hitler used to make.

      • magister ludi

        -independent thought- why would anyone want that?

        But really, it does follow LRHs formula for hypnotism

        • As much of a genius as LRH was, he didn’t invent the formula for hypnotism, he just reworded it and pretended like he did.

          Independent thought is dangerous. We don’t need inidividuals! They are the reason we can never get anything done. if only everyone was exactly the same as everyone maybe we could accomplish something as a species.

          • sugarplumfairy

            Evil genius maybe.. But with a touch of the absurd, like Simon Barsinister or Heat Miser..

            • Midwest Mom

              Evil, but average I.Q. Some of Hubbard’s other aliases include: Pol Pot Belly, Mao Tse-ron, Hubbardhito, Josef Stalron, Ayatolla Coneini, Attila the Hubb, Jabba the Hubb, Ghengis Con…

            • dbloch7986

              He eats small animals for amusement and throws people in a living pit that eats them. All we need is Han Solo and Luke to bring his palace down.

            • dbloch7986

              No he wasn’t a genius. I meant to use sarcasm font 🙂

  • magister ludi

    Regarding the “How Toxic Are You” flyer…

    One of the questions is “do you find it difficult to get excited about people and things?”

    Isn’t calling this “toxic” antithetical to scientology?

    Aren’t OTs supposed to be immune to getting excited about “people and things?”

  • lightblb

    Did anyone notice, in the NY OT Committee flyer.. “the Greatest Good for Scientology”? I guess they finally just cut to the chase and eliminated “the Greatest Good for the Greatest Number” ( I always thought that meant what it originally said.., the “greatest Number of dynamics”..Not the greatest good of SCIENTOLOGY Dynamics. Duh So thar ya go! Takes any mystery, if there was any, out of why it’s ok to defame, harass, scam, slander, etc….It was NEVER the greatest good for the greatest number. Silly moi.

    • DeElizabethan

      Excellent spotting lightblb, in LRH quote … “organize and channel OT forces, interests and resources for the greatest good for scientology”… So true that they don’t care about the dynamics, just the organization and the members don’t get to the OT levels unless they sell their soul (and go broke in the hole) for that purpose only. Forget about themselves, family, pets, trees, elements, other beings and god. They consider themselves the ONLY group.

  • I love the picture of Randy – to an Australian randy is synonymous with horny. Imagine the same ad but with the word Horny (fits of primary school giggles).

  • I don’t even know what to say anymore. Other than where do I contact Homeland Security about their investigation?

    As far as feeling wooden, well as I covered in my reply to BTN…I feel wood and lifeless every morning when I wake up. So if Scientology could send someone to help me with my wood problem I would gladly pay a hundred bucks (depending on the quality of course). Maybe with Scientology pimping, prostitution would be protected under the Constitution too? “Yes I prostitute. But my religion demands it so you can’t arrest me–first amendment!”

  • Troy MacGyver

    i Tony,
    Why doesn’t mr. miscavige or his missing wife ever show up at these events to rally the troops. If I was a guru or cult leader,I’d surely find the time to thank my zoided out hard-working followers. Or beg them for money since the world needs them all so badly. Also, is there any cult deprogrammers who relatives hire to help their loved ones out of this sub human existence at less than minmum wage? Thanks. Troy in San Fran

    • dbloch7986

      There is no desire to rally troops. The only thing they ever do is sue people and raise funds. There is no other purpose to Scientology than to stash tons money and prevent anyone from getting at it.

  • Random occurrence today. I work at Applebee’s and was cleaning a table and overheard a guest talking about taking large doses of Niacin and spending 5 hours stuck in a sauna and being sick because of it. So, I stopped cleaning my table and walked over and said, “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation…were just talking about Narconon?” She was shocked that I knew about it (I live in Southeast Louisiana…there is a mission in NOLA and a Narconon in Denham Springs, but Scientology is not something that is well-known or discussed here). She just spent several weeks in the local Narconon and told me alot about it. Just solidifies my negative views on it. She said that it was a pretty uncomfortable experience and after several weeks of calling her mother in tears, her mom finally rescued her form the insanity.

    • Midwest Mom

      I hope she and her family complain about her experience to government officials and media.

  • mook

    Vulture Ministers are in Newton. does the cult have no shame? (and I bet nobody picked up those pamphlets)

    speaking of CoS events, they’re announcing JT and Kirstie for Celeb Center Xmas stories. More than likely they won’t show for fear of bad publicity (Kelly P was there last year and she + the minor cult celebs also in that list might be there as well this year)

    • Observer

      It was only a matter of time. 🙁

      • BuryTheNuts2

        Fucking Sick Vampires. Period!

  • dbloch7986

    I just had a revelation.

    Scientology gets money from their loyal followers.

    People sue Scientology for money.

    Scientology pays high-powered lawyers to defend them.

    Scientology wins and lawyers get paid.

    Lawyers are loyal followers.

    Scientology gets money from their loyal followers….

    • John P.

      There is one group of lawyers for whom this is true: Ken-dick Moxon and Gary Soter. Some, like Helena Kobrin, are not Scientologists but make potentially millions on retainer to do Miscavige’s and the cult’s dirty work. Kobrin doesn’t really try cases, but I think of her as more a “fixer” behind the scenes trying to keep stuff out of court. Then there are the local talent, like the San Antonio crew working on the Debbie Cook trial. Again, those folks are not Scientologists, they are hired guns. And they are, in taking on an odious client like the cult, unlikely to accept anything less than top dollar for representing scumbags, especially ones who are a) desperate to try and weasel out of a mess, and b) going to insist on all sorts of odd things like allowing Miscavige to micro-manage everything.

      This goes to a larger issue: the management structure is decimated, both in sheer numbers and in talent level, at all levels of the cult. Miscavige has eliminated not only any potential rivals, but potential competence. I’m hearing that a lot of the heavy lifting is done by “wog experts,” people like accountants and lawyers brought in from the outside to run things. These people are loyal only to the exorbitant fees they’re paid; they may well think the cult is a bunch of vile, disgusting morons, but they keep their mouth shut and do their jobs in legal, finance, and even security at Int Base. The good news here is that a) the cult wastes more money by hiring outsiders than by using staff earning $50 a week, and b) the “wog experts” are not so brainwashed that they might easily sing like canaries if the feds put the screws to them at some point in the future if investigating the cult…

      • dbloch7986

        That is all very interesting. I didn’t know that. I just assumed they used Scientologists for everything.

  • Jen

    Haha it’s actually free, to all scientologist staff members. :))

  • Jen

    Happy holidays guys!