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HOW SCIENTOLOGY COERCED A CHILD TO HAVE AN ABORTION: THE LAURA DECRESCENZO FILES

HOW SCIENTOLOGY COERCED A CHILD TO HAVE AN ABORTION: THE LAURA DECRESCENZO FILES

—————- In anticipation of her biggest day in court yet, Laura DeCrescenzo and her attorneys hit the Church of Scientology with 928 pages of new filings —————- Details from 18,000 pages of evidence show how Scientology manipulated a child to keep her working under slave-like conditions —————- A key document describing DeCrescenzo’s unwillingness to have her coerced abortion is missing from the evidence Scientology was ordered to produce By Tony Ortega Wednesday afternoon, Laura DeCrescenzo filed explosive new information in her four-year legal odyssey against the Church of Scientology, submitting 928 pages of new declarations and exhibits in anticipation of a crucial October 23 hearing in her lawsuit against the church which alleges abuse, including allegations that she was forced to have an abortion at only 17 years of age. Key to the new filings is information gleaned from thousands of pages of previously secret files that the church fought mightily to keep under wraps. But on Monday, the U.

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Someone Apparently Forgot to Notify the VA that Scientology is a Religion

ReligiousSymbols2Our thanks to a sharp-eyed reader who brought to our attention an interesting page at the website of the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.

The page contains an eclectic rundown of all the religious symbols the VA recognizes and will put on grave markers in our national cemeteries. If you’ve ever been in one of our national cemeteries, you may remember that some headstones carry symbols, some don’t, and you’ll see a lot of Christian crosses and Stars of David, and a few other types.

We didn’t realize that there’s an official list of such symbols. And it’s interesting to see that the VA is rather catholic about it (lower-case “c”), with everything from Eckankar to Wicca to atheism (see photo, right) to the Hammer of Thor available for our fallen heroes of minority faiths (or no faith at all).

Interestingly, there’s one symbol that is noticeably missing.

Sure, look for yourself: There’s no Scientology double-cross on the list.

Say what? How could the “fastest growing religion” in the world, with ten million members, dwarfing Eckankar (with tens of thousands), not have its symbol on this list?

Surely, it’s just a government snafu, right?

Or, it might be yet another piece of evidence that Scientology is nowhere as big as it says it is.

We’ve explained in the past that experts we’ve consulted tell us there are probably no more than 30,000 to 40,000 active Scientologists around the world, and several different lines of evidence suggest that those numbers are steadily declining.

But how many members does the church claim to have?

Turns out, that’s a trickier question than you might think.

In 1972, James Meisler, spokesman for the Church of Scientology in New York, told Nation magazine that Scientology had 15 million members around the world.

In the years since then, we’ve seen claims by church officials that Scientology had 6 million, 8 million, 10 million or more.

However, another reporter brought to our attention that in recent years, Scientology spokespeople have stopped giving specific numbers. These days, church mouthpiece Karin Pouw tends to refer only to “millions” of parishioners.

If you can find Pouw attaching a number to those millions in the last couple of years, we’d like to see it. We searched around in vain recently.

“Millions of Scientologists around the world embrace the religion,” Pouw told the Washington Post in January.

Why would the church suddenly be shy about quoting specific numbers? Could it be that even Scientology has come to realize that its large claims are simply too hard to believe?

If Pouw won’t cough up a specific number, we do have this whopper from a television ad that ran last year…

 
SciAdMillion

 
That’s a rate of 367,000 new people every month. The ad ran in February 2012, and assuming that there were at least 4.4 million members at that point (you wouldn’t claim an annual growth rate larger than the entire size of the current church, right?), that gives us a total of about 10.6 million today.

Gosh, it’s fun to make up big numbers. Karin, you better get that call into the VA lickety split!

 
On Sundays, we like to reveal the latest mailers and fliers that our tipsters have forwarded to us. This week we have a few items for your perusal.

In this exciting update on fundraising in the western U.S., it’s neck and neck between the San Fernando Valley and San Diego! Can you believe it?

 
ContinentalStandings

 
Hey, let’s hear it for the Charlie and T.L. for helping to clear the planet. Hip, hip, hooray!

 
RosenkranzTestimonial

 
Another veteran in the trenches…

 
JoinStaffFlier2

 
Also, our recent story about Scientology attempting to influence Google about search results brought in this remembrance from a reader…

I worked for Microsoft in the search engine department (Search.com – remember that?) back about 10 years ago. The Church of Scientology would call my manager (he was a very patient and kind soul, and as such he had the luck of taking their calls since other managers and directors refused) every single week to ask why certain results were shown, why the official Scientology site was not the number one result, and how to get certain websites banned etc. Every single week. Hundreds of times.

 
Thanks again to our great tipsters!

 
——————–

Posted by Tony Ortega on July 14, 2013 at 07:00

E-mail your tips and story ideas to tonyo94@gmail.com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. Here at the Bunker we try to have a post up every morning at 7 AM Eastern (Noon GMT), and on some days we post an afternoon story at around 2 PM. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.

If you’d like to help support The Underground Bunker, please e-mail our webmaster Scott Pilutik at BunkerFund@tonyortega.org

 

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  • 1subgenius

    In the race to maiden voyage, why didn’t they stop at the top 5 instead of showing a bunch of goose eggs?

    • shasha40

      It had to look like there were at least 10 Orgs competiting, it was really more like 2…

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Because they really are that stupid.
      I know, I know….

    • ze moo

      They wanted to ‘shame’ the goose eggs.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      I thought I read this past week that Maiden Voyage event this year is going to be held at Flag because Miscavige is there and trying to beat some sense into his customers, I mean parishioners.

    • MissCandle

      Now we know where the “smartest” members of S-Lying-Tology reside: Austin, Hawaii and St. Louis.

    • Robert Long

      So we SP’s would know who to cheer for? Go Austin TX!

  • DodoTheLaser

    “Someone Apparently Forgot to Notify the VA that Scientology is a Religion”

    Was it IRS?

    • shasha40

      Doh ! Can we take away tax exempt status now?

      • DodoTheLaser

        The time is right indeed.

        Politics and religion aside – I have some friends who are US Marines, Navy, Army, Air Force.

        Some of them served in Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan and all kinds of places.

        VA is something that they greatly appreciate. VA is not perfect, but can be very helpful.
        A lot more helpful than scientology, for sure.

        It’s just telling. End of rant.

        • FistOfXenu

          “VA is not perfect, but can be very helpful. A lot more helpful than scientology”

          Very helpful. Not their fault that some vets were persuaded to believe the vultures at Para$citology could cure exposure to agent orange and combat wounds.

          • DodoTheLaser

            As a side note, I knew only one scientologist (and I’ve met hundreds),
            who joined Army, AFTER he went OT V. It was always big WTF? for most
            scientologists, myself included, at the time.

            He did couple courses in Cincinnati Org after that.
            That’s about it. Crickets afterwards.

            I hope Columbus treats him well.
            So as his wife and 4 kids. Good man.
            Hopefully, he figured it all out.

            • TheHoleDoesNotExist

              There was a Drop Everything Now order when Pres. Carter I believe said the draft was going to be re initiated. At least in the Sea Org, a quickie Ministers course slapped together and everyone had to do it Now.

            • RMycroft

              The regular ministers course is 15 hours. How fast was the quickie?

        • dagobarbz

          Did you hear about Scientology’s approaching the military offering to “detox” active duty personnel? DOD said, “Nah, try the VA. Maybe they’ll let you try it on veterans.”

          That was a couple years ago and I haven’t heard anything about it since. The VA here, however, isn’t offering the Purif, so that’s ok.

          • PreferToBeAnon2

            It’s worse than what you think. They have a scam going to rip off the elderly Vets by saying that they will help them get benefits for a fee. Check out: https://whyweprotest.net/community/threads/american-veterans-aid-is-a-scientology-linked-business.98545/
            I am currently working this issue–one of my clients is a large military association. Hey, nothing says we are patriotic like ripping off America’s aging and wounded soldiers.

            • Robert Eckert

              It’s ALWAYS worse than you think. I hadn’t thought my opinion of them could be lowered.

        • shasha40

          My husband , 20 years Army, and Proud of it ! The VA is way more helpfully than ” the tech “!

          • aquaclara

            Shasha, please pass on my thanks for your husband’s service. And thank you to you, too-spouses are so important.
            *waving flag proudly*

            • shasha40

              Oohh, Thank you Aqua , for acknowledging the spouse,! I wasn’t in but I moved around the world with him, people don’t realize how hard it is on families . Your very Welcome ! * salute *

            • aquaclara

              No one should EVER forget that the families are soldiers and sailors, too. Shasha, I salute you with all my heart for what you’ve done, and continue to do. Best to you!!

              The afterward part is sometimes as hard or harder than the time on active duty. Whatever level of readjustment through to PTS syndrome-that is the only thing in common with the cult. Fake braid does not a navy make.

              Hope things are good with your husband. Y’all done very, very good. Thanks.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      Maybe it was all those underhanded attempts to suck benefit money and use it to put vets through the toxic Detox/Purif crap. Remember, That effort had them trying to prove how secular and Scientific it all was from the genius war hero, Ron. The various military organizations for vets have been notified some time ago about the real medical scientific reviews of the Purif. Also, Hubbard’s fake military honors and medals. You know that since then, the Stolen Valor Act has gone into effect and it is now a Crime.

      Perhaps the VA has gone to “Source” and listened to L Ron Hubbard himself explain it’s not a religion, but we’re gonna use it for legal cover, accountants, and also we can get customers at the prisons, hospitals and oh yeah, cemetery notices to help console those poor, grieving widows.

  • shasha40

    I want to know why The Ideal continent is missing the East , do they not realize they left out Flag ? If that’s not idea, what is ? Oh, all of the stats are BS so it doesn’t matter ? Got it !

    • grundoon

      Scientologese isn’t English as we know it. To them a “continent” is a nexus of Sea Org bureaucracy: the U.S. has two, EUS (Eastern) and WUS (Western).

      • shasha40

        Oh, so they can continue to delude themselves! They haven’t cleared the US yet ? Damn, thanks !

  • Sidney18511

    Of course there would be no symbol for the scions. They only like to PLAY military in the SO. The REAL army would take away from their command intent.

    • FistOfXenu

      And that’s just by showing up. “take away their command intent” is a euphemism for “make them shit themselves and whimper”. And by “real army” I figure a platoon or 2 of any real army would be enough.

      • Sidney18511

        Right on FOX. Right. On.

  • Jeb Burton

    i would imagine that the few Scientologists of military age are locked up in Flag or the Sea Org. Plus, despite all their tough talk and abusive behavior, Scions are a bunch of pussies who dont have the guts for the military. The founder proved that. He couldn’t hack it.

    • Sunny Sands

      In spite of all their publicizing of Ron the (fake) war hero, I can’t imagine any scientologist being on active duty. I think it’s their inflated sense of self-importance that wouldn’t allow them to follow orders from a “wog”.

      • FistOfXenu

        I would LOVE to see them in boot camp. Imagine Tiny Fists trying to “confront” a DI. When you catch your breath from laughing at that picture imagine it again. Bet you can laugh your way through the whole rest of today just playing with that picture. If your imagination isn’t vivid enough maybe Observer can step in and help.

        No pressure Obs.

        • Missionary Kid

          That was a good laugh to start the day.

          Fist, a D.I. would eat DM for breakfast and shit him by noon, and he’d be the D.I.’s least favorite turd.

          • FistOfXenu

            It’s a mental picture that keeps on giving. I’ve been going back to it for the last hour and I haven’t stopped smiling yet. I’m starting to think instead of sending DM to prison he should be put in permanent boot camp. BA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

            • Missionary Kid

              At least he’d have proper food while running around. That’s much better than the people in the RPF get.

      • Captain Howdy

        Scientologists have ZERO loyalty to anything except Ron and the “Tech”. The concepts of “Country” and “patriotism” are “wog” nonsense to them. They are committed to a world wide “jihad” against all countries and nations. “Real’ scientologists don’t even feel any loyalty to their family members, let alone their country.

        • PreferToBeAnon2

          They want to take over the country, not protect it.

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            Yeah, and killing is bad, except of course, if you’re an SP, but even then, harrass, sue, slander, financially drain, embarrass, terrify, for years on end is okay. The trick is, do whatever it takes to make the SP Want to die and then do it themselves. But killing? No, that’s against their fake religion and they can’t spare a single fake minister anyway because they are too busy harrassing, suing, terrifying all the SP’s nevermind Obliterating all psychs who they are at war with perpetually.

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              Speaking of killing… I was perusing some of the Leah articles out there and one site actually had a video showing the autopsy photos of Lisa McPherson as backstory info.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Ouch. Good.

          • Captain Howdy

            Exactly.

            “You want to know what happens when you clear (convert) everybody in that neighborhood, the only thing that [Scientology] center can become used for is a political center. Because by the time you’ve done all this, you are the government…”

            “Once the world is Clear – a nation, a state, a city or a village – the Scientology-organization in the area becomes its government! And once this has taken place the only policy accepted as valid is Scientology policy.”
            - L Ron Hubbard

      • MissCandle

        Plus the fact that they’ve proven themselves to be cowards. My father was military and I lived on or around military bases until I went to college. S-Lying-Tologists are a laughing stock with their cheap fake uniforms, stupid ranking systems, fake tribunals, rant, rant rant. It makes me sick how they play and pretend. They would be better off with plastic army men to play with.

        • Missionary Kid

          You forgot to mention all of the fake ribbons they wear. {{Oh, that one? I got that for the battle of Clearwater, where I had a paper cut.}}

          • monkeyknickers

            HAHAHA!

            Thank god it was only a flesh wound. :)

  • Lilaeth

    More of those irritating claims that they’re going to save the world – but without telling us just WTF it is that they’re going to actually DO! That’s right up there with the ‘we know’ shite spouted by Cruise – you know WHAT, you vertically challenged lackwit???? And how many of them sign up for the armed forces? Would the various forces have those figures? OK, I need chocolate…

    • FistOfXenu

      Save us from our money and freedom and our own thoughts and choices of course.

    • Peter

      Well you have to realize that TC *believes* he did his military service by appearing in “Top Gun”. That’s about a close as he could manage. Vertically challenged lackwit????? Laughing hard while I type this!

  • 0tessa

    Scientology has the double-cross symbol because, of course, they are a bunch of extraordinary double-crossers.
    The whole organization is focused on fundraising and nothing else.

    • Sidney18511

      Between the “double cross” and having “a bridge to sell you” , they should of just named themselves CONology. It would of completed the joke.

      • SciWatcher

        I was thinking the same thing about the double-cross and the bridge–I wonder if L Ron used those two things intentionally as an inside joke.

        • Captain Howdy

          I’m guessing ‘yes’.

          • Poison Ivy

            I never thought of “I’ve got a bridge to sell you” as being related to CO$ before – but my God! It’s so obvious a fit!

            • Captain Howdy

              One of the TR’s involves having the dupes read passages from “Alice In Wonderland”. If that’s not an example of a twisted LRH inside joke, I don’t know what is. And there’s plenty more inside the maze.

            • Poison Ivy

              You are probably on to something, Cap’n. Also, reading Alice in Wonderland out loud cannot help but increase a person’s general sense of confusion and disorientation.

            • monkeyknickers

              I had the same thought. :)

        • FistOfXenu

          Ooh. I’m having a cognition here. The bridge to no place + double cross = $cientology Dreck takes you up the bridge and back again. Isn’t Ron just so amusing and the joke only costs you $350,000.

          • PreferToBeAnon2

            Silly FoX! The $350K joke doesn’t include: the courses for Word Clearing and clay demo’ing the punch line, Ethics handling and Sec Checks if your chuckle is not up to snuff, or the RPF if you have an alternate interpretation of the joke.

          • Michael Leonard Tilse

            It used to be the troll under the bridge just asked you to solve riddles or they would eat you. Now they sec check you and steal your money too.

            • cicely neville

              ^^^^^^^, Michael!

          • ThetaBara

            And you don’t even get to keep the ashtray!

        • Jon Hendry

          “Double cross” certainly fits with the kind of dated lingo Hubbard was enamored of. “nix”, etc.

        • cicely neville

          I’ve always thought so! Using a ‘church’ symbol everyone would recognize but it’d be a DOUBLEcross, heheheh. He must have loved that – and selling a bridge -

      • Robert Eckert

        I’ve often wondered the same about the angel “Moroni” who gave Joseph Smith his Moronic revelations. Was that intentional?

        • cicely neville

          Seems like it, but no. “Moron’ was not commonly used back then. J. Smith was fond of making up
          names that sounded like, or were spinoffs of, Hebrew ones he’d seen in the bible . Also at one time he employed a jewish gentleman to teach him Hebrew. I don’t know where he got Moroni . Must go look it up.

          • ThetaBara

            “Moron” is a really old term, though. It actually used to be a medical designation. You had idiots, imbeciles, and morons. (In that order – idiots were smarter than imbeciles and everyone was smarter than morons!)

            • TheAngryInternet

              It’s not that old–it was coined in 1910 as an adaptation of the Greek morós “stupid.” Before that, the only thing it referred to in English was a type of salamander, and judging from the OED that was never a common word (it only has one citation for it, dating back to 1774).

      • http://twitter.com/Scientology_411 Scientology_411

        That is a truly epic observation!

    • FLUNK_101

      Isn’t the Scientology cross a “crossed-out cross?” A cross with an X on it? I read that somewhere.

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Now I get it! They have been arguing over at Marty’s on whether LRH said he was the anti-Christ in an earlier version of OT VIII.

        • BuryTheNuts2

          Jesus, how long they gonna chew on that bone?

          • FistOfXenu

            A long time. In between congratulating themselves that they aren’t being taken in any more.

          • Poison Ivy

            Chewing bones is what they do over there.

            • Sidney18511

              They chew on bones and spit out splinters of stupidity which they present out brilliance.

          • ThetaBara

            It’s the Bone of Shame.

      • Vistaril

        With the latest discussions on Marty’s blog about the anti-Christ stuff in the OT VIII material and taking L Ron Hubbard’s devil worshipping practises in the lead up to his forming Scientology, I tend towards such a notion . . .

        EDIT: Note to self: moving gifs won’t work when embedded from PC and can’t be edited once comment is posted.

        • BuryTheNuts2

          just sayin….

          • Captain Howdy

            Who doesn’t know that Ron the Con stole his double cross from Crowley?

            • Douglas D. Douglas

              For those unfamiliar, here’s the whole article:

              http://www.lermanet.com/scientology-and-occult/

              For Crowley, it represented a “crossed out” cross. For Hubbard, who knows or truly cares.

            • Poison Ivy
            • BuryTheNuts2

              Not many, but it never hurts to bang it in harder!

            • Captain Howdy

              I was just trying to shame the newbies into studying more.

            • cicely neville

              Everybody over on Rathbun’s site, Cap’n. I tried to read their comments but the batspittery got to be too much.

              The crowning comment was that, since Dm comes from an originally Polish Catholic family, the Vatican made him take out all of Ron’s remarks about Jesus.

              Then I took up drinking heavily.

            • ParticleMom

              {Of course. Makes perfect sense.}

              I don’t always drink alcohol. But when I do, it is because of Scientology.

            • monkeyknickers

              OH I wish I could join you woman.

            • cicely neville

              We’ll each have an extra for you, kid. (That will cover both twins.)
              My DIL even gave up coffee. i must say, her resulting product is a very calm person.

          • Poison Ivy

            Yes, Bury. And the ends of the cross are suposed to represent bones.

          • J. Swift

            The “Aliester Crowley Cross” is not Crowley’s and never was.

            Crowley did not create the symbol; he borrowed it from the Rosicrucians. Thelemeapedia openly acknowledges Crowley’s borrowing of what is called the “Rose Cross”: http://www.thelemapedia.org/index.php/Rosy_Cross

            Aliester Crowley also borrowed large parts of Masonic ritual for use in Thelema and Thelema acknowledges this as well.

            Hubbard ripped off the Rose Cross, did not acknowledge it’s Rosicrucian origin, and then registered it as a trademark. This was characteristic of Hubbard to take things other created and call them his own by renaming. For example “The Theta Mest” model is simply the ancient model of Spirit and Matter repackaged and copyrighted by Hubbard.

            If anyone cared to spend the money, they could sue to force the Cult of Scientology to force it to vacate it’s IP claims on the Rose Cross by showing that it has been in the public domain for hundreds of years.

            Here is the magnificent Rosicrucian Rose Cross stolen by the Church of Scientology and claimed as its own:

            http://i112.photobucket.com/albums/n196/scienowriter/Rosy_Cross_zps6bd4ce09.jpg

            • ThetaBara

              There doesn’t seem to be any financial benefit to suing for things to be in the PD. OTOH, who currently owns the copyright to the Thoth deck? It isn’t Stuart Kaplan, is it? because*that* individual might have an interest in this. AlthoughI think it would be a tough case to prove in courst anyway as there were numerous design changes. Just because you know it’s true (girl) doesn’t mean you can prove it in a court of law.

      • grundoon

        And the two triangles linked by an S symbolize handcuffs, or Love (ARC) under Will (KRC).

        • ThetaBara

          I see your Crowley reference, but I see nothing at all in Scientology symbolizing Love. It isn’t even an entry on their ridiculously long tone scale!

          • grundoon

            ARC substitutes for Love in L. Ron Hubbard’s philosophy.

            For that matter, it’s debatable what Crowley meant by love.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      The Super Power cross raising event was when it was dubbed the “Double Cross”. I wonder if we’ll ever know how many scientologists bought it?

      http://i42.tinypic.com/180u51.jpg

      • sugarplumfairy

        A few days ago someone here likened the superpowers cross raising to The Producers.. I haven’t stopped seeing dm as a much more evil mix of Nathan Lane and Zero Mostel ever since..

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          That’s a good one! Oh no…now I’m going to see them dancing…

      • Lurkness

        Double Double Cross–Garcias were among several who were hit up and paid for the cross. Not clear how many times the scam worked for the regs.

        http://www.wfla.com/story/20662083/couple-accuses-church-of-scientology-of-fraud-over-clearwater-building

    • MissCandle

      That’s also why they use that triangle thingee-ma-jigger-bobber: S-Lying-Tology is a pyramid scheme.

      • cicely neville

        Good one!

    • ThetaBara

      Sometimes, if you look at things (especially visually) you can see right through what they are trying to sell you, to what is actually going on. The Bridge (to nowhere) and the DoubleCross are perfect examples of this. Another example is a lottery ticket for a “game” called “Cash Cow.” The graphic showed fat cows wearing sunglasses and chewing wads of money. Reading: This will eat your money right up!
      Even the Dianetics volcano – what good ever came of a volcano? Don’t they like destroy villages and kill people and stuff?

    • stateofcircle

      Ex Scientologist John McGhee has said (I may mix up a few words) “I joined a religion that tried to sell me a bridge, and whose symbol is a double cross.”

  • Truthiwant

    I occasionaly get an email from the ‘Planetary Dissemination Unit’ here in Italy, which I think is a part of New Era Publications, and I have translated a few “gems” that I received the other day:

    “A Buddhist monk, having heard the ‘Prayer for Total Freedom of Scientology’, asked if he could bring a complete set of the ‘Ron’ series with him to India.”

    A Catholic bishop has given the green light to start a project for ‘The Way to Happiness’, along
    with all the preachers of his diocese, to train them on the teachings described in the book.

    The national coordinator for the Fire Department Volunteers has browsed the whole
    volume of ‘Ron, a Profile’, and afterwards commented: “There are men who
    have left a mark in history and I think Ron Hubbard was one of these. It can be
    seen from the way he dressed from an early age that he was a man destined to
    becoming a hero.”

    • 1subgenius

      I could be wrong but I suspect a bit of confabulation in those testimonials.

      • Truthiwant

        Totally invented, I say!

    • Lilaeth

      ROFLMFAO! These guys would give Hans Christian Anderson a run for his money!

    • Sidney18511

      Oh, it appears that New Era Pubs are venturing into comedy now.

      • Observer

        They’re funnier than Laughworks, I’ll give ‘em that.

        • monkeyknickers

          Jesus, a boot to the head is funnier than laughworks. It’s like Sunday school at night.

    • monkeyknickers

      AWESOME !

    • ze moo

      Nothing says ‘hero’ like an ascot in the summer.

      • sugarplumfairy

        Or a lime green cowboy suit..

        • monkeyknickers

          I have one hanging in my closet SPF !! Just WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? :))

          • BuryTheNuts2

            On purpose?

            • monkeyknickers

              natch!

              I’m just looking for attention tho. Nothing says, “I need an intervention, STAT” more than verdant polyester and a 10 gallon hat.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              snorts!

            • ParticleMom

              Especially when pregnant with twins

            • monkeyknickers

              Word. I’m like a giant bloated gecko with a box on her head.

              Still – I’m trying to rock it. :)

        • Captain Howdy

          Love the suit..hate the man.

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          with dyed sideburns

      • monkeyknickers

        HAHAHAHA.

        And also – HA!

      • TheHoleDoesNotExist
        • Lilaeth

          I could smack him about the head with a brick for hours and not get bored! I think it’s the smirk that does it.

          • monkeyknickers

            The smirk asks one to smack it with a brick. It’s just one of the laws of nature. :)

    • Whiningmachine

      Do they not realise that real people don’t speak like this? Well, of course not; I’ve always been struck by how unrealistic the supposed engram-triggering dialogue is in Dianetics (from the 1st edition series; I’ve never read it myself, nor do I plan to) was, I mean, who actually talks like that? Who EVER talked like that? It’s clear that the people who write these lies are from the Hubbard School of Invented Quotes. Destined to become a hero because of his dress sense (which wasn’t that great anyway)? Please.

    • FLUNK_101

      Yeah, right. People of other religions are just dying to get their hands on some Scientology ! ({{{ }}} ).
      25-30 years ago, I was invited to a jam session. It was held in the chapel at New York Org, but not everyone there was a Scientologist. A middle-aged Black man picked up the book on the podium … he started reading the “Scientology Creed” out loud in a bellowing voice, like he was a preacher. It was hilarious.

      • Missionary Kid

        I think I’d pay for that performance.

        The most devastating portrayal that Tina Fey did of Sarah Palin was when she quoted a Palin speech verbatim. The SNL audience howled, not knowing that’s what it was.

        The most devastating performance of Tubby’s words is to read them out loud. It reveals the absolute stupidity of his words.

        • monkeyknickers

          Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I watch Palin’s interview with Katie Couric – there is nothing more healing than a good belly laugh.

          • PreferToBeAnon2

            I get that. I watch the DM – Koppel interview.

            • monkeyknickers

              OMG!!!! PTBA !!! I swear I’ve watched that thing 10 times. It’s INCREDIBLE to watch that amount of stupidity. I can quote the whole thing. What I don’t understand is how nobody has interviewed Koppel about his impressions of that interview.

            • monkeyknickers

              Sorry – I have it on again as I clean house . . . . this man is PHENOMENALLY stupid.

              And I know it’s weird that I listen to this instead of music. :)

          • Missionary Kid

            The ignorance is almost too painful to watch. Her speech is a series of catchphrases and talking points, without any depth to them.

            It almost seems as if she feels as if she utters the magic words often enough that magic will occur.

            • monkeyknickers

              The more ass clenching, the better (which is why I love Ricky Gervais)

              And I have TOTALLY noticed the same thing about her. Like – if she had to omit the word “also” from her vocabulary, how would she end a sentence?

            • Missionary Kid

              That’s true, also.

            • monkeyknickers

              HA! You are nominated as the next republican VP. Tell them I sent you. Seriously, they know me. NO REALLY.

            • monkeyknickers

              HA! You are nominated as the next republican VP. Tell them I sent you. Seriously, they know me. NO REALLY.

            • Missionary Kid

              To contradict you, I wouldn’t last long. I’m definitely not a troglodyte, as the Tea Party requires.

              Are you still in Oregon?

            • monkeyknickers

              Yep! Happily here still . . . .

            • Missionary Kid

              Enjoy.

            • monkeyknickers

              It’s going to be hard for me to go back to LA. Obviously I need the work – but . . . . .

            • Missionary Kid

              Let me know when you get back. I’m only 100 miles away.

    • Observer

      Hahaha!

      Why do none of these enthusiastic incipient Scientologists have names?

      • TheHoleDoesNotExist

        it’s the scientology version of Witness Protection Program

        • Observer

          Since it’s Scientology, it would have to be the Witless Protection Program.

          • monkeyknickers

            You are funny.

            that is good.

    • Robert Eckert

      He browsed the whole volume, and thinks Ron must have been historic because he dressed sharp??? who proofs these things?

      • Truthiwant

        I have no idea. When you are called ‘Scientology’ apparently anything you say is true.

  • Bradley Greenwood

    Emilie is quite delusional. According to her, she is the Uber-Auditor… a veritable Queen Kong!

    • BuryTheNuts2

      And yet, she always knew she wanted to be a highly trained auditor, but she wasn’t sure exactly what to do with this training.
      Um kay, that sounds like a well thought through career goal….

      • monkeyknickers

        hahaha!

      • Whiningmachine

        “Now I’m an auditor, what can I do with my auditor training? Think, Emilie, think!” What a surprise I had when I read that she’d become an auditor! How left-field!

        • monkeyknickers

          Laughing out-loudly, me. :)

        • MissCandle

          Didn’t E say that he was an auditor? Maybe he can put all the cos auditors to work. Oh wait, he is probably a real auditor.

      • TheHoleDoesNotExist

        Because DM has obliterated field auditors. What she Really is saying was she avoided gettung sucked into staff hell holes, but succumbed. Ronbots the sci version of Stepford wives.

      • Jon Hendry

        Is there really anything *else* for a Scientologist to aspire to?

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          Top Whale

        • FistOfXenu

          Getting out and getting a life?

  • http://www.tingleff.org/jensting/muslinger/ Jens TINGLEFF

    no, no, no! The reason there is no $cientology to put on soldiers’ graves is that they don’t fall in service!
    (Cue Black Rob to show the amazing!!! flower-in-gun-barrels $cientology “tech” to deal with armed conflict.)

    • monkeyknickers

      Ha! Good point . . . . Sci soldiers will just postulate the enemy . . . gone. Saves on ammo.

      • ThetaBara

        Right. Because it works so well here and against (unarmed) Anons. It’s PERFECT for combat!

    • FLUNK_101

      I guess the word ‘magnitude’ is enough all by itself. Like when Miscavige says, “of magnitude.”
      “These are (fill in the blank) of magnitude.”

      • monkeyknickers

        This is my new fave word AGAIN TODAY.

        magnitudinous = awesome goodness.

        :)

    • grundoon

      They keep misspelling “ordure.” Emilie is trained and ready to deliver GAT 2: their “new ordure of magnitude.”

  • monkeyknickers

    So . . . . the US government’s symbol for atheism is . . . . a neutron? A gyroscope? Who made this interesting judgement call? Because the OBVIOUS choice is Hello Kitty. Jesus – WHERE are my tax dollars going??

    Edit: I should point out that I’m a big fat atheist. And also that I tell terrible jokes.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      I am so glad that this is the first comment I was able to read this morning. Perfect lulz.

      • monkeyknickers

        Awwwwwww you! You win a four year old lunatic!! It’s like Price is Right but you don’t have to do anything except sign a few measly pieces of paper!!

        • Minion Gayle

          Got one already, thanks. *g*

          • monkeyknickers

            It’s like kittens tho Minion – you got one, why not TWO?? :)

            • Minion Gayle

              Because we already have an unmatched set of 9 year olds and we know better.

              2 x Preschooler = Quadruple Chaos.

            • Missionary Kid

              Parenting math. The amount of work and chaos goes up as the square of the number of kids.

            • Minion Gayle

              True facts!

            • Robert Eckert

              Some sports guy (can’t remember who to credit right now) said “When you have one kid, you can double-team, and when you have two, you can still do one-on-one, but after that you’re reduced to zone defense.”

            • monkeyknickers

              Jesus I’m so screwed for the next 20 years.

              My gorgeous perfect niece and 2 fraternal girl twins coming and me as the single parent . . . I think I need to start a heroin habit. RIGHT NOW. :) I’m not sure why I didn’t think of that before.

            • aquaclara

              It’s all good. You go from not sleeping to not thinking for a few years. Then the cute school artwork and activities years, which goes along with utter shock that their clothes fit for three months, maybe four.

              Then those joyful times pass, the baby book is not done yet, and they spend too much time playing with electronic devices. At that point, you have turned into your mother, and strange expressions come out of your mouth. It’s still fun, combined with the times when you want to give them back. Then one day, you”ll be crying because they are leaving home.

              You’re gonna be a great mom of three!

            • monkeyknickers

              I’m already not thinking Aqua! This could go very badly.

              I’m just . . . . . . totally fucking terrified. Especially cuz Linda took the money and my job is ridiculous..

              But I’m ALREADY crying that my girls are leaving home, you know? :)

              ALSO – when I wake up in the morning and thaw a little, shake off the cobwebs, have a stretch . . . . the FIRST thought I have, the very first one is:

              What. The. Fuck.

            • aquaclara

              Ok, I will tell you that my nineteen year old argued with me yesterday because I freaked when he put metal (a pewter butter dish) in the microwave. Trust me, he has known this is a no-no since he was ten or twelve. So don’t worry. One day, you will be ready for them to go blow up their own microwaves, rather than yours. As much as you love them.

              That is the secret that awaits you on the other side. In the meantime, I can share twin help: BJ’s does not have diapers in the newborn size, which you might need. Oh, and these diapers hold nothing, so you go through them at twice the rate of the size 1′s.
              And the full case of wipes at BJ’s that looks like a lifetime supply isn’t. Buy them anyway.

              You will do great. Don’t worry. I was so happy that I could hold two twinnies at the same time that first month, with the help of a bop for a little scoop leverage. You will be great!
              They can use one crib or pack n play for a while.

            • monkeyknickers

              I’m hesitant to say this, but . . . . . I’m doing cloth diapers. I KNOW I KNOW.

              And to be frank I’m planning on leaving Maeve (the dog) and the other mutts watch over them. We all got chucked into the dog pile growing up. I don’t see any reason to change tradition. :)

              But of course I love and adore my girls. If I can’t get my sister out of this fucked up cult in the next year, then Ashleen is mine. She cannot take this shit anymore. I worry – I want to make sure that she knows she’s as important to me as the twins, and I won’t be able to spend the bunch of one on one time with her that I normally do.

              Yesterday she asked me . . . . Auntie do I have a daddy? And I burst out laughing. Uhhh, yeah, I said. But he’s on a very long vacation. :)

            • aquaclara

              You are already the best mom. Ashleen will be a big help with the twinnies. She is so lucky to have you! Still, sorry about your sister. Your niece is already asking the tough questions. Ikes.

            • ParticleMom

              Aw, you are a great mom. We are going through a step-parent adoption here. The bio dad has also been on a really long vacation. If you need any help, let me know. I know the laws are different, but ParticleDad is a lawyer and all…

              I really wish we lived closer.

            • monkeyknickers

              Me too!!

              Why can’t you just come over?? I make mean food – seriously.
              And coffee. And cocktails. Ash could show you how she does a cartwheel. (It involves raising her eyebrows and running in a circle)

              I just decided I don’t give a fuck anymore. I have a weird unstable job. I’m alone, all that shit. But I’m not letting her go now. She’s been thru enough and done it like a damn trooper.

              It’s just not fair to her.

              I also was thinking this morning that I need to find a title that ALL the girls can call me by. So Ash doesn’t get stuck with Auntie and the twins can say “mama”. I hate that idea.

              Actually, I’ll ask her to pick. :) She LOVES being consulted.

              SO WHEN ARE YOU GETTING HERE.

            • monkeyknickers

              Oh ! And! The biggest whupping I ever got was for putting a fork in the microwave and exploding that thing permanently. :)

              In adult life, I’ve solved this problem by . . . . not owning a microwave. So far it’s worked out. “))

            • monkeyknickers

              I want twin help LOTS Aqua – but every time I read “BJs” I think of something entirely different than a place one might buy diapers. Whassit, girl??! :)

            • Minion Gayle

              For the love of God, whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE THEM TO THE PARK BY YOURSELF. :::sobbing into hands::: Just don’t.

            • monkeyknickers

              HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

              I’ll leave the three of ‘em in the truck.

              FUCK. I can’t believe I just thought of that. – I don’t know if I can safely fit 3 car seats into the truck. God WHAT a total oversight. Shit.

            • Minion Gayle

              Strap them in the bed.

    • http://lliira.dreamwidth.org/ Lliira

      I want a crystal like in the Final Fantasy games.

      I find it kind of odd that there’s a symbol for atheism at all. Put two atheists in a room and tell them to order pizza, and they’ll still be arguing over toppings three hours later. We’re not a group of people, we’re just people who don’t belong to a religious group. I wonder if that’s actually a symbol the government uses for atheism, or if it’s a symbol that specific guy’s family wanted to use because he was a nuclear physicist or something.

      • Douglas D. Douglas

        Exactly. The decedent, or immediate family chooses.

      • monkeyknickers

        Exactly, girl. :)

        And maybe we should consult the CoS actually. Rumor has it that their doughy flabby founder was THE first nuclear physicist IN THE WORLD AND ALSO DISCOVERED FIRE.

        I mean, just to fish around for ideas and stuff.

        :)

    • Missionary Kid

      The symbol, as I see it, is an atom. I think it’s a tribute to science.

    • MissCandle

      We already know that about you : )
      And we love you for both of your magnitudes.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      I suppose an atheist could also choose the Humanist symbol, although that is for an organized group, the American Humanist Association. I would assume most atheists choose nothing, as the symbols are supposed to represent a “religious” belief:

      “An emblem of belief for inscription on a Government headstone or marker is an emblem or symbol that represents the sincerely held belief of the decedent that constituted a religion or the functional equivalent of religion and was believed and/or accepted as true by that individual during his or her life.”

      • MissCandle

        Then, as an a-theist, I would want a heart on my tombstone. – - b/c I believe in love. As Valerie posted yesterday, she will never die destitute b/c she has so much love (unlike Shortie).

        • Missionary Kid

          Come to think of it, the midget already is destitute. He’s got a lot of fear in the people around him, but no love.

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          Based on the new procedures, this would probably fly. The reason this came up, I am fairly certain, is the recent acceptance of “Thor’s Hammer” as a viable symbol. It’s a fascinating story how this came about, and better told here:

          http://www.fastcodesign.com/1672968/how-thors-hammer-made-its-way-onto-soldiers-headstones

          Salient excerpt:
          “The Department of Veterans Affairs got out of the deciding game,” Pitzl-Waters says. The new rules stated that as long as a soldier filled out the proper paperwork and the symbol they wanted was linked with an existing religious community, a soldier could have any emblem they wanted on their tombstone. “You can’t just put, say, a Metallica logo on your headstone, but otherwise, the VA shifted the onus off of themselves in deciding what is or isn’t an ‘appropriate’ religion.”

          • Kitz

            So.Much.Bad. Info. In that article. My head exploded, and my shitty mood just went to VERY pissed.. I’m not sane enough right now to go over it without wanting to cause bodily harm…

        • FistOfXenu

          Any body for having “{}” on their tombstone? ;)

          Or is it just me?

          • ThetaBara

            I’m holding out for Hello Kitty.

            • monkeyknickers

              WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY FAVORITE. :))

      • monkeyknickers

        Why is everyone ignoring my Hello Kitty suggestion??

        Okay FINE – Pikachu, then. Jesus.

  • Captain Howdy

    So if CofS has millions of members and is bringing in 300,000+ new members a month, why do the top Orgs in the U.S only have 20 to 30 members? And if the numbers CofS claims were true, then every Org in the world should have gone St. Hill size x 10,000 decades ago.

    Apparently no one in CofS can do basic math.

    • Observer

      Yeah, the “Race to Maiden Voyage” flyer says it all. Shouldn’t there be thousands of people in those pics?

      Also, GMTA. I did the shoop before I read this. Ha!

      • TheHoleDoesNotExist

        I noticed all the senior citizens in the different group shots of the promo pieces. Did you notice that some of them could barely hold their arm up? One didn’t even try. Always a rebel in the pile, right? No surprise to me that both the customers and the slaves are looking ragged, desperate and defeated, even through their “Smile nice for Davey” poses.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      Because in Hubbard Land, nix the math, unless you’re travelling thru Hubbard Lite, then it’s nix the science.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      I just started reading George Malko’s “Scientology: The Now Religion” published in 1970 and was very surprised to see him pull out a 15 Million members quote during that era. I remember various figures in the late 70′s to early 80′s of 4 million and 6 million.

      The ASHO Auditor mag in mid 80′s had somewhere around 300,000 bulk mail total. However, since all staff have to do hard time in CF (central files), we all knew from both our time before staff and during and after, for each 10 pieces, there Might be 1, but only 1 actual scientologist that gets it, and even that 1 inactive for years. You had for instance 3 different spellings of a person’s last name, some a 4th as a new married name, then you had several different addresses and then you had a couple that went out to their deceased parent or a relative that they had listed years ago on some sci form. So you have one actual person and 90% of those just did a personality test or read a book and Not Interested. So out of those 300,000, what you really had was 3,000 active scientologists. ASHO’s market was U.S., Canada and Mexico. But this was a higher level training org. AOLA where OT levels were done had a bigger CF, at one time floated just under the 1 Million mark, so about 9,000 – 9,500. Then if you count staff as members, you have roughly 13,500. The other 16,500 came from other continents, the majority would have been in Europe but again, that would include all staff as members.

      I believed there were a few million scientologists in the world when I was on staff Except for those moments when we were on All Nighter All hands labor getting out the Auditor Mag or slogging through the smelly, moldy CF folders. But then the exhaustion would take over and I would forget the next day.

      When an area like PAC is video recorded with empty sidewalks during lunch break times even on weekends, and Flag’s Ruth Eckerd hall events can’t be filled even with staff being ordered to come to town, there is No 30,000 active members in scientology land. 12,000 is my top number and that definitely includes staff, likely making up 60% of that number.

      • Captain Howdy

        Marc Headley said that DM told him to order 30,000 new e-meters so that every scientologist could own two like they are suppose to. Who are we to question COB?

        • MissCandle

          Good point, Cap’n

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          Well, certainly not Aye, Cap’n!

      • RMycroft

        From the inside of a copy of Final Blackout, printed 1970:

        http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h233/RogerRamdrive/BlackoutClaim.jpg

        • monkeyknickers

          Oh GAWD.

          I WISH he’d taken his slobby fat self 20,000 leagues under the sea.

          And then got et by a squid.

          And stuff.

  • PreferToBeAnon2

    As for being on the VA list and serving our country… the Scions already have cute little Navy outfits, they wouldn’t want to confuse their wardrobe.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Darn you. I was just going to go off on a tangent about the only military service a scientologist would have is in the fake navy.
      Thunder thief

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Sue me!

        (Sorry, that sounded like a Scion Sunday morning prayer there for a sec)

        • BuryTheNuts2

          lol

        • BosonStark

          THE SCIENTOLOGY SUNDAY SERVICE PRAYER

          Our Hubbard who art on Mars,
          Hollow be thy claims;
          Thy Ideal Orgs come
          Thy acceptable truths be done
          On Teegeeack as it will be on Target 2.
          Give us this day our daily reg;
          And drive us into bankruptcy
          As we drive each other nutz;
          And lead us not into entheta
          But deliver us from the Internet
          For a trillion years or eternity,
          Whichever comes first
          Will that be cash, check or charge?
          Ka-ching!

          • PreferToBeAnon2

            Perfect!

          • Pete Cockerell

            Brilliant!

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            The quickie version: “Greed is Good, But Cash is Better” “Ah…men.”

      • sugarplumfairy

        Lol.. Thunder thief..

      • monkeyknickers

        “Thunder Thief” is my new favorite thing to say.

        Ever.

        No for real.

        • PreferToBeAnon2

          Is someone regularly stealing your beans?

          • monkeyknickers

            I want to say yes and be all cool and in the know and shit but I don’t actually know what you’re referencing. So I’ll just adopt a wry smile and pretend I do. :)))

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              After eating a healthy portion of beans, one typically has a bit of “thunder.” That’s why OSA bots salute DM’s dog — it’s always the dog that did it.

            • monkeyknickers

              AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

              Fart joke!!! I can’t believe I missed that actually. Gas is a favorite topic of joking and degrading in this house. I am REALLY off my game this morning. :))

              And there are 5 dogs piled on assorted couches and carpets and four year olds right now. Maybe I should invest in a mask. :)

            • TheHoleDoesNotExist

              You’re on a role today, and it’s still morning! Well, in some parts.

      • mirele

        Damnation Navy. Let’s get it right. Scientology has the Damnation Navy.

        • Missionary Kid

          The Damnation Navy with a fake Gilbert and Sullivan admiral.

  • sugarplumfairy

    Hah! “scientology double cross..” it’s almost poetically metaphoric.. Or is it metaphorical? Ok, it’s almost poetically symbolic..

    • dagobarbz

      They sell you a bridge, and their logo is a double cross.

  • Captain Howdy

    The obvious reason there is no VA symbol for scientology is because the Galactic Patrol is a “Mission Impossible” level super secret unit. Everybody knows that..sheesh.

    • BosonStark

      Also, in the Galactic Patrol they never die and get buried with a headstone because they are immortal spiritual beans.

    • mirele

      I.hate.you. I now have that Galactic Patrol song going through my head as an earworm.

  • sugarplumfairy

    How come the east coat is missing in that ‘Ideal Continent’ flyer? And if the flyer refers to a continent, where’s the rest of North America? This is very disorienting and distressful and worrisome.. I think I need a bloody mary to calm my anxiety now..

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Well, not to be a pedant…but Canada and Mexico are also missing.
      Somebody did not word clear continent!

      And I should read an entire comment before I pop off!!! Duh.

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        I can understand Mexico–LRH already conquered that when he was serving in WWII.

        • sugarplumfairy

          Lol..

        • monkeyknickers

          AND saved the entire state of Oregon from decimation. Because when people thing about infiltrating and sacking the US and establishing a seat of power, it’s ALWAYS the best idea to start in a state that has no people and only rain and fish. No wonder all those enemy subs were out there ! :)

          • Pinkhammer

            And don’t forget that the entire state is covered in mold! (Well, except the roses…)

            • Douglas D. Douglas

              Don’t mess with Oregon.

            • Pinkhammer

              I like Oregon! I once experienced a white-out-like blizzard and then tulips and apple blossoms 30 minutes later while driving through the state! Besides, it makes me laugh that they give the weather report by altitude. But I have never seen so much tree bark covered in green!

            • monkeyknickers

              That is the beauty of my home, Pinks . . . you always need to bring a sweater and a windbreaker. “)

              Oregon is the awesomest of the awesome. Just remember you can’t pump your own gas here. :)

            • Pinkhammer

              Oh I forgot about the gas! That creeps me out, too. I stopped in Washington on the way home to my brother’s house just so I didn’t have to have someone else pump my gas!

            • BuryTheNuts2

              I like Oregon too. Love the coast.
              I used to go to Harris Beach every year when I lived out West. Gorgeous.

            • monkeyknickers

              Lincoln City is just 30 minutes away over the hill – come over! !

              Plus we can harvest our own mussels and crabs and eat delicious wonderful things for free. !

          • Douglas D. Douglas

            Don’t mess with Oregon.

            • monkeyknickers

              brother, there’s no place I’d rather be. :) In fact, I’m here visiting right this second . . . . . :) I grew up on a reservation here and there is no place on earth that makes me happier. Still, if you were gonna pick a pivotal target for a national takeover, this wouldn’t be it.

              And all of us are GLAD ABOUT THAT. :)

            • Douglas D. Douglas

              Warm Springs…?

            • monkeyknickers

              Think coastal. :)

      • monkeyknickers

        “Pedant” . . . . you’re smart, BTN. :)

        I mean . . for a girl.

        :)

        • BuryTheNuts2

          I just learn gooder.

          • monkeyknickers

            WORD SISTAH.

          • Peter

            Touché!!! Lovely riposte ROFL My first laugh out loud of the morning.

          • Douglas D. Douglas

            Well, math is TOUGH, anyway.

      • Observer

        Pedantry is always appropriate when it comes to Scientology, because they get everything wrong.

      • TheHoleDoesNotExist

        Staff at this point have probably actually passed away a couple years ago, but don’t know it yet. So you have to give them a little break if their spelling and geography is a little off and their vision isn’t too good either. That’s because the Walking Dead squint. Also, no wifi in the cemetery so how can they google it?

    • monkeyknickers

      Please, please, PLEASE fedex me one, too Sugar. I’ll trade you a 4 year old early riser who really REALLY wants to watch Finding Nemo at 5 in the morning while drinking chocolate milk.

      She’s an easy keeper I SWEAR. I’ll overnight her even.

      • George Layton

        Just keep swimming, just keep swimming:)

      • Pinkhammer

        I thought you were sending her to me! 5am west coast time is reasonable here and I like Nemo AND chocolate milk!

        • monkeyknickers

          OMG that’s right!!! But you’ll have to wait 4 months to pick which future-annoying-tweener you want, too. Saves on shipping.

          • Pinkhammer

            Ok. That’s fair. ;) and you can choose for me. I like surprises!

            • monkeyknickers

              I’ll see which one smells brattier. :)

              Sorry. I’ll send some cookies or something too.

      • MissCandle

        I will take her!!!
        I want grandkids!!!
        (I get in trouble if I actually say that out loud at home or when I’m with my daughter)

        • monkeyknickers

          My mama says the same. :) Except, she was a little stymied by – hey! Mom! I’m single and having twins! I’m still a musician! And my sister is in a cult!! And Ashleen needs to go to preschool this year!!

          The poor woman. She deserved a normal daughter.

          • MissCandle

            She has a normal daughter, just not an “average” daughter. Who wants to be average anyway? : )

            • monkeyknickers

              :) Thanks, you. :)

              I just read this exchange to out loud to her . . . she said, “That’s right! Except you need to find a better job.”

              And my dad said, “That’s so fucking off, I need someone to take care of me when I get old. Fuck that shit.”

              I’m not joking. Quoting my parents to others often leads to disbelief. I’m sorry to say it’s a straight line.

              :)

      • Douglas D. Douglas

        Love ‘em now. Ours are 20 and 17 and, as they know everything there is to know, do not need us for anything other than cash, food, and a bedroom-we-may-not-enter.

        • monkeyknickers

          HAHAHAHAHAHA.

          Well, when you’re a teenager the world ends at the tip of your nose. What can you do. :))

          • Robert Eckert

            “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain

            • monkeyknickers

              GOD I am SO in love with that old dead guy. Really. Funny. Smart.

              Mustache, tho – but I could deal with it . . . . :)

    • RMycroft

      You have to understand that Hubbard redefined the continents. Eastern US (EUS) and Western US (WUS) are separate continents. (No, really. Stop laughing, this is serious!)
      http://www.xenu-directory.net/documents/corporate/stop-wise.biz/grp/Scn_continents_CCoS.gif

      • Spackle Motion

        Italy is its own continent? And the UK?

        And no Scientologists question this?

        And where, exactly, is Antartica? Does it not exist because it wasn’t true for Hubbard?

        Sometimes I don’t understand why educated people fall for this bullshit.

        • RMycroft

          Antarctica doesn’t exist because it has too few potential victims.

          • Robert Eckert

            The people who live in Antarctica are actual scientists, the kind who do research (not “research” as LRH redefined the term)

            • Lurkness

              Please, it’s “researches” in Scinese.

          • Karen715

            Never mind Antarctica, where is Asia? You know, the largest continent?

            • RMycroft

              India is apparently part of the UK. Taiwan might be ANZO. Dunno about the rest.

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              Asia? We have that little work, “Hymn of Asia” to remind us. And if we get lost, we’ll just take a “Slow Boat to China.”

            • Isaac Clarke

              Hubbard said “the problem with China is that there are too many chinks in it.”

              He was such a charmer.

          • Captain Howdy

            Penguins and Leopard Seals are difficult to audit. LRH exteriorized and attempted to do this, but found it too daunting. The Penguins had too many withholds, and the Leopard Seals had too many overts.

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              LRH did get on with the swimming brown bears though:

              “What held the room [the Explorer’s Club} was his joshing reply to a club joke, “a persistent rumor” about a swimming brown bear that was said to have climbed into
              his boat with amorous results. “It’s a damned lie!” Hubbard cried,
              according to a collection of club stories published in 1941. “I did not
              make love to the bear, and the bear did not die of longing,” Hubbard
              told the room. “It is a lie that anybody broke the bear’s heart, or that
              the bear wanted to kiss anybody,” he continued, one imagines as
              comrades toppled out of their chairs, “and any songs written about it,
              and any puns made about it, are libelous.” In a line that would mirror
              replies to Scientology’s future critics, he concluded: “Attention and
              notoriety have centered upon one singular incident—an exaggerated
              untruth—and the gigantic benefits to the human race are all forgotten.”

              For those new here: http://tonyortega.org/2013/01/25/newsweek-confirms-it-l-ron-hubbard-was-a-blowhard/

        • Sokramor

          The Caribbean islands also seem to be missing. Maybe they moved to Italy or something.

        • cicely neville

          Sometimes??!!

      • aquaclara

        No wonder why Hawaii is at zero. They don’t physically exist in the cult map.

    • Robert Eckert

      And they call this continent “Wus” which makes us all, what, “Wussies”?

      • sugarplumfairy

        Wussians..

  • PreferToBeAnon2

    Rosencrantz is the only hope for the planet? Ha! Without Guildenstern? Not a chance.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      • Kim O’Brien

        is that his mom or his wife ? why is it that these people who are going to save the planet and have all these special powers ..why can’t they look good while they do it ? They all look wrecked ….at least the X-Men are hot . Just a marketing suggestions folks …guys will follow chicks who look like Halle Barry and women will follow guys who look like Wolverine …otherwise , use these two to recruit people for the dinner theater down the street that is performing “Our Town” but all in sci speak cause that would be funny

        • monkeyknickers

          O dear o dear hahaha with the laughingness you gave me Kim. :)

        • Poison Ivy

          Big LOL Kim!

          It take money to look good in LA. Scientologists do not have $$ for facials or good haircuts or gym memberships (barring running around a pole all day.) Certainly not botox or a little touch-up plastic surgery! They need all their cash to save the planet.

          • MissCandle

            You’re right PI. Plus it takes all their time. What’s more important? Besides you can save the planet with dirty hair.

            • monkeyknickers

              If that’s the case then I’m the next Superman. :)

            • cicely neville

              Oh dear, you noticed that too – I thought of remarking “can’t afford shampoo?” but refrained – poor lady looks like the cat brought her in.

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          That’s the Victim Look. Well, to be fair, KIm, they already gave their last shirt off their back. Those are Good Will outfits from the throwaway pile they are wearing. They have had to cut their own hair since 2003 and makeup is too expensive to waste on meat bodies. Also they have been interrogated without sleep for 3 weeks straight now to find out where they are hiding their childrens’ piggy banks. That’s not a Victory sign she is flashing. That’s scientology code for “Victim”.

          • http://twitter.com/Scientology_411 Scientology_411

            I swear I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard at this.

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          First laugh (out loud) of the day!

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          To be fair, it should be pointed out that these folks DO live in the San Fernando Valley. This is about as sophisticated a look as it gets there.

        • batfink

          LOL. Had to come out of the lurk cave for this.
          Me thinks this is the ‘before’ picture – both eagerly awaiting Lil D’s soon to be launched Co$metcis range ‘gras’ at the SP Building.

      • Marie Claire Wolf

        Holy cow! How frumpy can you get, I guess this is the result of all these years under the spell of Co$. Bathetic.

        • BuryTheNuts2

          They are “at cause” and too busy too work a hairbrush on those pesky meat sacks.
          They have a planet to clear!

      • Observer

        What I find most disturbing about this pic is that Mr. Newest Alumni bears more than a passing resemblance to my brother-in-law.

        • BuryTheNuts2

          Now that is juck icky!

        • Missionary Kid

          You mean, you didn’t shoop him in?

        • Captain Howdy

          When I first saw the photo I thought “holy shit! my stupid sister made the bunker”

          • Sidney18511

            She looks like your sister?

      • Robert Eckert
      • monkeyknickers

        He is red.

        Very red.

        • PreferToBeAnon2

          too much niacin

          • BuryTheNuts2

            Score!

          • monkeyknickers

            Or vodka, I’m thinking.

    • monkeyknickers

      I humbly quote:
      “Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it going to end?”

      :)

  • Ivan Mapother

    Could someone in the know please verify what the three lapel pins are on Ms. Kong’s clam suit?

    • Ruby

      They look like IAS pins. And it notes she is a patron of the IAS, so, I think that’s what they are. You get them when you achieve certain status levels.

      • DeElizabethan

        That’s all you get for the buck is status and pins to show off, which get you more ego. But only in the Bubble of scn, not of this world.

  • Whiningmachine

    Seriously, I just want to find all the people who are making these flyers and tell them that GIVING MONEY IS NOT A GAME! Stop calling it a game, like it’s somehow fun or something, or like only the most skilled can win, Scientology. It’s not a game when the object is to give away money; it’s a road to misery, and these fools are driving down it at full throttle, with their family in the car. STOP CALLING IT A GAME!

    • Captain Howdy

      Money is just some mest mess that needs to be cleaned up. You might as well make a game of it, it’s more fun that way, and the kids get bored playing “kick the cans’ sometimes.

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Do Scion kids grow up playing with OSA dolls instead of GI Joe’s?

        • http://frankdisalleisadummy.wordpress.com/ Get Chutney Love

          I think the GI Joe song is a little more inspiring then one based on the OSA

          “GI Joe
          GI Joe
          Fighting man
          From head to toe”

          “OSA, OSA
          How many squirrels
          Did you bust today?”

          • Otto T Mariedahl

            Well Bunker Commander would be more competent then Cobra Commander, that’s for damn sure.

    • Robert Eckert

      I’ve been saying for a long time that they really need to word-clear “game” since they seem to be stuck in a big M/U about it.

  • monkeyknickers

    And while I’m at it – WHO decided that the “Santa Barbara Conquistadors!!!!!” was a super cool moniker? Actually maybe it’s apt. Since Sci descends on unsuspecting people and rapes them of their money, livelihood, and culture . . . and then gives them a terrible contagious disease that essentially wipes out most of the population. OH IRONY.

    I THINK anyway – ever since that Alanis Morrisette song in 7th grade, I’m not sure what that word even means. :)

    • ze moo

      I prefer Procol Harum and sometimes the Annie Lenox version of Conquistador.

  • Sunny Sands

    The Rosencranz why we did it flyer is interesting. It says after the ideal org is complete, advertising campaigns can then be implemented. What do you want to bet this will involve more payments to corporate for flyers and printed matter at much inflated prices.

  • BosonStark

    Other Pouw-reliable methods for determining numbers of Scientologists:

    1. Number of The Way to Happiness pamphlets printed. Go figure.

    2. Anyone who has ever seen the volcano on the cover of Dianutty, like in a bookstore, on the web, or in a TV commercial.

    3. Number of hits on their website. Everyone who has beheld its “data” even accidentally, is a clam. If you’ve visited 10 times you are 10 clams.

    4. People who are allergic to or do not like eating clams (shellfish). It’s because they are Scientologists and will not eat their ancestors.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      I own two copies of Dianetics…did they count me twice?

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        You went back for seconds! Clam buffet!

      • monkeyknickers

        Do you really?!

        • BuryTheNuts2

          Yep. an old one and a newer one. comparison puposes.

          • BosonStark

            You are a Doubledianutter. If you can train yourself to read one copy with the left eye while reading the other copy with the right eye, you will enhance the vision perceptic and commence building new civilizations.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              I just keep buying copies hoping the next one will be better.
              I am not too smart.

            • TheHoleDoesNotExist

              Also, a known double dipper.

          • monkeyknickers

            Damn – you are pro, girl!

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Not really…My attempt was quickly aborted when I started to actually read it.
              But I do have a huge fire-pit in the back yard,… and one can never have too much kindling.

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              “I do have a huge fire-pit in the back yard” Good fodder for smokin’ them clams!

            • BuryTheNuts2

              You know it!

      • Isaac Clarke

        I have an old copy too, and for a while I thought it was fun to look up all the things that they deleted in newer editions.

        Then I developed a physical aversion to reading any Hubbard at all. It just made me feel physically ill. And the funny thing is, it’s the same way with his crappy non-SCN fiction.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Do they monitor second-hand bookshops and eBay? That’s the only place I have ever picked up CoS “literature.”

    • http://twitter.com/Scientology_411 Scientology_411

      Don’t forget body thetans. Every BT is a Scientologist by proxy.

  • BosonStark

    They are “Welcoming over 4.4 million people each year” but only the people they hire to be in their ads show up.

    • Are_sics

      I wonder if that number also includes everyone at The Bunker who watched a “Join Staff!” video. They’re just being koi about who they count.

      • Robert Eckert

        Not to carp about it…

        • Sidney18511

          Yeah…there is really something fishy going on there.

          • BuryTheNuts2

            ya’ll are floundering…

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              Not one lamprey joke here?

            • FistOfXenu

              “I’m leaning on the lamprey at the corner of the street
              in case a certain little lady goes by”

              Sorry. Best I can do.

    • Phil McKraken

      This is quite simple. By “welcoming,” they mean inviting, meaning “hey, you’re welcome to come on in for a free personality test.” If they do that, in one form or another, 4.4 million times, that’s a true stat. Got it?

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      Scientologists have their own 5 Star dictionary of scamming verbs and adverbs, I swear.

      “Welcoming” means they cut down a forest of trees to send out postcards to any address in the phone book and welcomed them to come in for a free personality test.

  • Minion Gayle

    Apparently, there are no Scientologists in foxholes either.

    • Pete Cockerell

      Though, as it turns out, plenty of atheists, the efforts of the lying liars for Jeebus to make people believe otherwise notwithstanding.

  • aquaclara

    “Welcoming over 4.4 million new people each year.” It really does take a true believer to agree with Scilon made up math stats. But I really hope it doesn’t include every employee in chiropractic and dental offices forced to study the {tech}, every ex’er harassed with cult mail even after moving three times, every victim of a tornado or other disaster site, anyone in Narconon, or every kid exposed to one of the cult anti-whatever programs or booklets.

    That would make me cry.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Hands you tissues.

      • aquaclara

        Thanks. *sniff*

        Back to funnies. The reason that there is no Scilon double-cross in the VA list is because the cult hasn’t figured out how to autodebit you in the after-life. That double-cross is trademarked and ecclesiastically-protected property, damn it.

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          Close! the answer is…

          There are NO scientologists’ headstones in any cemetery because that cost money that should go to waking up dead invisible people and tell them to shoo so the planet can be cleared. Also DM needs new scuba gear.

  • Otto T Mariedahl

    Does anyone know what’s up with Austin, Hawaii and St. Paul orgs?

    Looks to me like they haven’t done any fund raisin. Not that that is a bad think for the people there.

    • BosonStark

      At zero, they appear to be sub-ideal, but just give them a chance. As soon as they see they’re in the top ten, they’ll take off.

      • Otto T Mariedahl

        I hope they take off running…. away from Scientology!

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      I was wondering about that. Wouldn’t they be in a “tie” with (apparently) every other Org?

  • Observer

    I wonder how many Scientologists there really are in the military. Isn’t military service something the “church” would discourage? If you’re on active duty the regs can’t have 24/7 access.

    Also, Charlie Rosenkranz, you are not the newest “alumni” unless you’re counting all your body thetans. Note to Scientology: alumni is plural. Alumnus is singular. And I learned that in the degraded wog public education system! What would Ron say? For shame!

    • Otto T Mariedahl

      Well looks like more Vikings have died in services to the US then Scientologists seeing as how the Hammer of Thor is one of the headstone symbols but the double cross/double pyramid/eight-pointed star of the ruinous powers that Scientology uses isn’t one of the symbols that are used.

      (Sorry for my bad English)

      • aquaclara

        This is excellent English and a great comment, Otto! I especially like the “ruinous powers” phrase! Yes, I wonder how much demand there is for a Hammer of Thor in 2013, but even if there is one, it would be more respected than 4.4 million scilon crosses.

        • Otto T Mariedahl

          “ruinous powers” is from the games Warhammer Fantasy Battles/Warhammer 40 000. The eight-pointed star is the symbol of Chaos, the demonic bad guys from those games, so it wasn’t really my idea.

          • Sokramor

            One could say that Scientology was some kind of weird Tzeentch cult ;)

            • Nick Overmyer

              and an upvote for that reference to you, good sir

            • Sokramor

              Thanks =) My birth certificate says I’m a ma’am, but I also respond to “sir” (and “hey Apothecary, stop grilling those Tyranids and fix my leg!” ;))

            • Nick Overmyer

              And i seriously sat there for a second and hovered over my keyboard before typing “sir”. i seriously did. but then i thought back on my childhood and 40k and all those weekend tournaments at those hole-in-the-wall comic chops and i thought “nope, i don’t recall a single female player, shame to think of it” and so i figured i was reasonably safe in my presumption. i shall now salt and pepper my foot.

            • Sokramor

              Don’t worry, I might have thought the same thing (until I found out that one female member of my WoW guild also used to play. Did I just come out as the resident Bunker nerd? ;)) I don’t actually play the tabletop, but the WH40k pen&paper RPG – if I started collecting those miniatures, I know I wouldn’t be able to stop, and then my wallet would hate me.

            • Nick Overmyer

              Games Workshop soured me on their games because of the pricing. They box these things up in China for a dime a unit and then sell them for sixty-five bucks a box. I recently checked out their page and was astonished to see their prices have doubled since i played last a little over a decade ago. I’m wondering how they even get new players in the door. The funny thing is, 3-D printers are going to totally kill their tabletop market in a few years…

        • ThetaBara

          You might be surprised. The whole Norse thing is making a comeback.It’s a bit weird as some of the folks are into it from a purely woo-woo perspective and others appear to be coming from a place of it being a white thing – unfortunate in what is supposed to be a religion but there is also the NOI…

          • Poison Ivy

            Oh – I thought it was just THC’s VIKINGS series.

            • ze moo

              Its the free lutefisk and aquavit. {Brings them in in droves}

            • ThetaBara

              THC? There’s a pot network now?!

          • Kitz

            And then there are those of us who follow it as a worldview consisting of honor, courage, community, and family.

            I’ll be honest… There have been condescending comments about Heathenry on this blog many times, and it’s starting to annoy me. Maybe it’s this weekend’s bout of “how stupid could you have been” that is making me touchy.. *shrug*

            We are not weird, not all of us are racist or bigoted, and very few really are in it for the ‘woo’ factor.

            *end minirant*
            Yeah…. I’m not fit for human interactions this weekend

            • ThetaBara

              My apologies. I have a good friend who is very sincere and serious about her following of the Norse pantheon (IDK even how to describe it, really) and that is what I mean when I say “woo-woo.” The purely spiritual perspective. I mean no disrespect.

              There ARE white supremacists who are into it as well, which is upsetting to my friend and others who are serious and sincere about it in the way she is.
              I did not mean to offend you by the term “woo-woo.” I use it all the time and apply it to myself. People mock the shit out of stuff I take seriously and respect all the time around here (and no I am NOT an indie, I am a never-in). But I AM a tarot reader and longtime student of metaphysics (well beyond looking into it to be able to more sharply criticize Co$).
              Alchemy, for example, was one of the first sciences and is the mother of chemistry. An alchemist invented distillation! Yet folks feel free to mock the alchemists (with a drink in hand, heh).
              If you think this place is bad, you are gonna need protective gear if you venture over to WWP.

            • ThetaBara

              oops

            • Kitz

              Hi ThetaBara.
              Apologies as well. I read part (got pissed and couldn’t read it all) of the article that was posted earlier, and used your post mostly as a vent jump off point, and not directed specifically at you.

              I am well aware of the nazitru aspect that has surfaced, which seems to mostly come from those who were incarcerated. I wasn’t offended by the term ‘woowoo’ as much as how your post came across to me as followers were either in one camp or the other. In other parts of the interwebs I’m involved with, woowoo is used as a descriptor for those who tend to be willfully ignorant of the facts behind what they believe in, so I automatically went to that definition in my head. I’m not saying that you are one of those though! I’ve also been studying other systems of belief and magical for 20+ years… I’ve seen a lot that makes me shake my head, lol.

              I guess my biggest hope with my rant, was to get people on this blog to realize that fighting about, and degrading the belief systems of others here — Christian, Wicca, Discordian, Asatru, or any others — does nothing to further the main goal of this blog, which is to bring attention to, and stop the abuses perpetuated on others by the cos.

            • ThetaBara

              Thanks for your clarification. I do appreciate it.

              If you’re actually a racial purist I have no time for you.

              Human beings are not livestock and inbreeding benefits no one.
              I’m just saying.

              Furthermore, *I* have done nothing to degrade anyone’s belief system. You haven’t shown me anything near the same courtesy – your claim that you weren’t responding to me but using my comment as a “jumpingoff place” is disrespectful at best.

              If you want to reply to *me* then reply to me. Otherwise, get your own jumpoff.

              I’m here for a reason and it is disrespectful to “respond” to me as a jumpoff for unrelated bullshit. Thanks!

            • Kitz

              Ya know… I realized that I made an error and apologized. I tried to explain how your comments came across to me, since as I said you seemed to classify Heathens into just those two categories — of to which I belong to NEITHER — and insinuated that I had no idea what the different factions are that consider themselves as following a Norse system. I’m closer to a reconstructionist in my beliefs so seidr and other ‘magic’ systems aren’t part of my worldview, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t respect those that do. The article that is linked above is so full of misconceptions and plain wrong information, but hey…

              It seems that no matter what I say, I’ll be wrong. I’ve never degraded anyone’s beliefs here either, so I have no idea where you got that. I’m not going to continue arguing over this, as you said we’re ” here for a reason”

          • aquaclara

            I just thought of that show that used to be on tv with the woman in the funny Norse helmet.

        • Lilaeth

          A lot of pagans in the USA follow the Norse path – I was surprised myself at how many. There are probably more of them than there are $ciloons.

      • monkeyknickers

        Are you kidding? Your english is easily better than three quarters of the US population. Don’t sell yourself short. :))

    • Are_sics

      He’d say language is enturbulated throughout the gaLAXsee. Now when’s this week’s suitcase full of cash gonna get here? I have movies to make.

    • Lurkness

      Wow, he really shows up his twin Denise in this photo. Lookin good!

    • Isaac Clarke

      Yes, a SCN in the military is one less Sea Org member.

    • Bella Legosi

      hehe “eleventy” that has me slapping my knee! It’s a double dose of SciSpeak; it’s a made up word AND a mad up number!

      Wouldn’t Ron say that “aulumni” was an M/U and make them word clear “alumni” and “alumnus” so that the Co$ isn’t embarrassed by ingnorant pie faced dillitants who write these ads? ;)

    • J. Swift

      Observer, your creations are in straight up and vertical

      • Observer

        Love it! The truth hurts ..

  • Dean Fox

    “Welcoming over 4.4 million new people every year” sounds like a typical church of scientology weasle also known as an “acceptable truth”. Their states probably show they have some contact with (they “welcome”) around 4.4million people every year as an average but that does not translate into 4.4 million new members of the church of scientology.

    • aquaclara

      It could’ve been 8.8 million if they would just wave to the Anons raiding and joking, instead of closing their blinds or back-door teaching! Just saying…

  • Mary_McConnell

    Well, after this article, you can be sure the VA will be adding the symbol soon.

    • 10oriocookies

      Nope. See who can request symbols.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Blood must be shed in service to the country first!

      • grundoon

        Does Hubbard’s ulcer count?

        • ze moo

          Only service counts, not blood. Lrooon could have requested burial at any national cemetery. His service during ww2 entitled him to that honor. Better he was flushed at sea….

  • JonathanRoberts

    If there are so many scientologists and they are supposed to each have 2-E-meters. Than why are there only 20,000 thousand Mark VIII’s sitting and rotting at the Int base. They have been there since when 2006 costing $40 USD to make and being sold for $4000 thousand. They are to be released with the new super-power rundowns.
    Because there are really only about 15,000 thousand scientology followers Worldwide.

    • Kim O’Brien

      Look …if you are going to start using MATH and like …um …common sense …and facts and stuff …then you must be some sort of bitter apostate ..or like some of that fancy book learnin . Jeez…;)

      • Captain Howdy

        Scientology ciphering is easy. Naught + naught = double quadruple naught. I’m so learned, I’m a double naught spy.

        • scnethics

          Mmmm, makes me want some possum innards and collard greens.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      Exactly. 30, 000 members is the average number of over the years and DM squeezed those turnips dry 5 years ago. even counting staff, there are only so many multi millionares in their Vanity Club.

  • 10oriocookies

    The reason there is no Scn symbols is simple: they havent manned up and served their country. The website clearly states who can request that a symbol be placed on a headstone. If you are the next of kin, an authorized rep for next of kin or an authorized rep of decedent. I’d be interested to know if any Clams served and laid down their lives for this country.

    • scnethics

      Scientologists are not against military service necessarily, but they do
      have a planet to clear, so joining the Sea Org is more logical. But I think the real story is simply a lack of membership, and certainly nothing to do with cowardice.
      2.3 million Americans deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan (as of 2011). 5281 casualties. Equals 2.3 tenths of a percent casualty rate.
      With only half the population being of an age to join the military and fight, and assuming a U.S scientology population (which skews much higher in age distribution) of 20,000, you could use a number like 10,000 as the number of scientologists of an age to deploy to a war. That would be a very high number, and I seriously doubt there are half that many.
      If a respectable 10% of these 10,000 were to sign up and serve, you’d expect only 2.3 casualties – and 0 casualties would not be remarkable.

      Also, I’ve got two relatives (non-scientologists) serving in the military who have never been to Iraq or Afghanistan. So someone could have “manned up”, and not ended up fighting in these wars at all.

      I think this is just another indicator of how few young scientologists there are. Not that scientologists are big on military service, but I think if there were more of them, you’d have had enough of them in the military to produce a casualty.

    • RMycroft

      One in Australia, but they managed to drive him to suicide.

      Soldier death to remain a mystery May 16, 2011, AAP, Sydney Morning Herald
      http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-national/soldier-death-to-remain-a-mystery-20110516-1epne.html

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Yes, that is one thing that those that serve OSA and returning US vets have in common: a huge percentage of suicides. Seriously. At one point I worked the hotline at the Pentagon for people who have family members who have served or died in Iraq or Afghanistan. I can’t even begin to tell you what I encountered (and what also is hushed up).

        • MissCandle

          One day I hope you will.

          • Spackle Motion

            Me too. PTBA2, this sounds like an awful job to have but I’m sure you heard things that you can’t tell for awhile.

            • JonathanRoberts

              I have a friend who served in Da-Nang in 1970 he is just now going through group and counseling. Some are not that affected by it others do not take it so well.
              Please consider that around 40% of those homeless people on the street are former vets. Not trying to be a bleeding heart just something to think about, I served I just had easier duty.

            • ThetaBara

              Frankly, that breaks my heart (even as it terrifies me). I live in an urban center and there are many clearly mentally ill folks living on the streets here. When they cut mental health benefits you could really tell (each time).

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              It was difficult. I also had the ‘graveyard’ shift, so to speak. I was suffering from consultant burnout and thought I would do something a bit more heartfelt for a break. Yeah, it was one of those, “What was I thinking?”

              Hey, I’m still pissed at you for that “the government is run by DMV workers” comment. Elected officials, I will give you a pass on. There are so many thousands of brilliant and brave folks who truly try to make this thing work.

            • Spackle Motion

              Sorry that I pissed you off. That was not my intention and I do agree that there are a few brilliant and brave folks trying to make things work.

              But, I work with many elected government officials both in California state government and in federal government, and my statement comes from many years of experience.

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              My statement does too. Over 30 years’ experience in DC dealing with almost every department and agency, including the military services–as well as direct employment with them (Interpol). That one just struck home, Deck.

        • JonathanRoberts

          I recall reading of all the cults/religions that scientology did the most damage to the mind which included increased rates of suicide. As I believe cos is in it’s death throes unfortunately many disillusioned souls may decide to end it early, shame.

          • PreferToBeAnon2

            That has crossed my mind too. I am also reminded about all of the young Scions that commit suicide–Tory Magoo talks about that.

            • JonathanRoberts

              Yea I myself feel bad for those brainwashed masses of people I think soon their numbers are going to grow.

              Something to consider computer search engines keep stats on terms. I speak out against scientology and david miscaviage I will not capitalize their names but I do use the terms.

              Just a thought as we the minority speak out against scientology it does not do as much good to use terms like CO$ and what not, just a thought,

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          That has to be one of the worst jobs. It is too incredible what our troops have had to endure and that includes the profiteers who dumped faulty equipment just to add to the impossible misery. And those who returned for 3 or 4 duties made me think about those who willingly returned to the RPF several times and for years and years. I thought what the Vietnam Vets went through was traumatic. This other war that’s not really a war is just off the charts and their story is yet to be told. I hope you get to take lots of breaks and vacations to keep your own sanity and heart intact.

        • cicely neville

          Sending a hug.
          Family full of vets here, PTSD all over the place but thank God not bad enough for suicide. When is this country going to wake up and take notice of the frightful losses -

    • Ruby

      I do know several who served their country and are/were very proud of it. Of those that are deceased, they either chose to be cremated, or buried at a public cemetery near other family members. I do know of one that had a Naval burial at sea.

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Good point! Forgot that Sciolons do the cremation thing… wasn’t it something about ensuring the BTs are gone?

        • Ruby

          not sure on that. For those that I knew, it was simply a personal choice.

          • PreferToBeAnon2

            I read something about it, but I can’t recall where. Also something about returning the ashes to water.
            (More like destroying the evidence)

            • scnethics

              Scientologists don’t care about the “dead”, since no one really dies. As a scientologist, when I would think of someone who had died, I would think of the person as I had known them, as if they still existed, and wonder what they were up to. Something like “Hmmm, they’d be 15 by now. I’m sure they chose a scientology family. I wonder where they are?”

              In scientology, the body isn’t supposed to be important, even while you’re in it(!) Once you leave it, it’s not of any use to anyone (unless you can sneak in one last charge on that Visa card), so cremation is a logical choice (not that cremation isn’t logical otherwise).

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              Darn it… you are going to make me find that reference!

            • scnethics

              I don’t know of any specific reference, but to a real scientologist, anything but cremation is kind of silly. There might be something about ensuring BTs leave the body, but I can’t remember.

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              Quote from Karen DeLaC, “I wanted only to cremate my son quickly per the scriptures of Scientology. http://www.businessinsider.com/this-email-from-an-ex-scientologist-on-the-death-of-her-son-describes-miserable-life-inside-the-church-2012-7#ixzz2Z2VhZ9qV

              Also:
              “Scientology encourages its members to request that their bodies be cremated upon death. This practice reflects the belief that a person’s thetan,
              or spiritual essence, moves on to inhabit another body after death and
              that cremation makes this process easier. Scientology does accommodate
              the wishes of family members of other faiths, however.” http://www.faithology.com/practices/death-in-scientology

        • http://twitter.com/Scientology_411 Scientology_411

          More along the lines of making sure you don’t end up stuck in the skull I think. Destroying the body would ensure that the thetan can go free from the body in the world of Scientology woo.

          Now that I think about it I can see why they didn’t light old Tubby on fire while floating away in a dinghy. With all that blubber he’d have likely burned for days and emitted tons of greenhouse gasses.

    • Snippy_X

      LRH was a veteran. He was cremated (or as my neighbor would say, “He was criminated.”)

      http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=3476

  • JonathanRoberts

    Making LA org saint hill size…..is that mailer for free big blue in existence for how many decades 4? Yet they still are not saint hill size oh watching scientology implode is great.

  • mirele

    I’d just note that the VA has in the past been intolerant of minority beliefs displayed on headstones. It took a decade for the Wiccan pentacle to be approved. Here’s some background on that by Jason Pitzl-Waters: http://wildhunt.org/2012/01/wiccan-pentacles-at-arlington-and-why-litigation-was-necessary.html

    and a more recent article on the relatively easy approval the Hammer of Thor had by comparison: http://wildhunt.org/2013/05/thors-hammer-approved-for-veteran-headstones-and-markers.html

    But I’d note that probably no Scientologist has died and had their family request a Scientology symbol on their headstone. There could be a few reasons for that: a) A Scientologist has served but not died yet; b) A Scientologist has never served and/or c) Scientologists got waivers from the draft back in the 1960s and early 1970s while claiming a ministerial exemption (I have NO IDEA but I’d be curious to hear from old-timers if anyone tried that to get out of going to Vietnam).

    • Snippy_X

      One other possibility is they chose cremation, like their fearless leader and our favorite veteran war hero.

      http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=3476

    • ze moo

      Only Trademark and copyright problems could keep the CO$ symbol(s) off a headstone. There must be those who converted to the scam after military service, they are eligible for the grave/headstone. As usual, corporate CO$ won’t allow because they can’t figure out a way to charge dead folks. That is the only escape….

  • George Layton

    4.4million = 8.37 join every minute. Busy, busy, busy.

  • JonathanRoberts

    Hey San Diego there is no maiden voyage this year or didn’t they know. The substitute event that DM planned to re-show the 1993 IAS event. Well a few hours before that was supposed to occur DM cancelled that too. Because not enough people were coming to the Ft Harrison to be forced to watch his taped speech again.

    Like I said there just are not that many who follow scientology 15,000 thousand is a better figure.

    • May_West

      Would love to know the “official” reason for the cancellation that was given to the plebes.

      • 1subgenius

        Don’t ask. Or you’ll be Remini’ed.

        • JonathanRoberts

          I think dm is deathly afraid of Leah Remini he knows’ she does not take to being pushed around. Leah is a story that miscaviage wants to just go away he is already having nightmares.

          • shasha40

            is he drinking scotch by the gallon too ? oh, Puh-lease say yes !

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          Is that like the latest scientology version of being “remedied?”

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      Thanks. I Thought I read that nothing taking place on the FleeWinds this year. That is a first! What, too many leaks? I didn’t hear about a 1993 event tape? I thought he had Flag packed with some of the last Class 5 org staffers he ordered to come in for his Gag II, you know, so he can open Super Power …. soon?

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Not just the 1993 event tape… but a “new and improved” 1993 tape with references to Rathbun, etc., edited out.

        • JonathanRoberts

          Very true Marty was cut out about 3 years ago. dm so proudly announced how he and Marty had gone to the IRS office in 1993 but that has been edited out of the video.

          • Lurkness

            Heber and other execs also cut out of the new and “improved” version.

        • Robert Eckert

          Last night I used this classic picture of Trotsky, Stalin, Kamenev, and Zinoviev signing the Soviet Constitution; er, I mean Stalin, Kamenev, and Zinoviev; or rather, Stalin and Kamenev. Let’s get this straight: Stalin, all by himself, created the Soviet Constitution.

          http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-y3zVmUQasVM/TkSX-LRASDI/AAAAAAAAAhY/TrPcEk7apC8/s400/opart.enlarge.jpg

      • JonathanRoberts

        The 93 event was the IRS tax-exemption tape that was supposed to be the IAS summer event. It’s just no one wanted to show up this year a few hours before he cancelled it. I don’t think the super power scientology opening idea is going over to well.

        As you know dm has been in town for a few weeks he is finally seeing how bad it truly is but Mike Rinder is providing most if not all the intel. They have even started having PI’s harass him again. No matter I will take any flames I like Mike and think he is a stand up guy.

  • MO Mom

    If there is anything that can make me sick on a Sunday morning, it is the very thought of any CO$ symbol on a military headstone. I need to go find some Pepto.

    • PreferToBeAnon2

      Try Krustie’s house.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        The inside of Krustie’s Maine home….for those of you who haven’t been previously exposed to “it”.

        • L. Wrong Hubturd

          Wow! She must have used the LRH decorating TECH. See, it matches my head.

        • Semper Phi

          Wow. It’s the girly version of the Scientology Aesthetic of wretched excess, minus the columns.

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          The designers of Barbie’s Dream Home c. 1984 are SUING!

          • Spackle Motion

            I actually had a Barbie Dream House in the late 70s and it was better looking than this pink monstrosity.

          • monkeyknickers

            HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          It has been said that architecture is frozen music. In this case, frozen sherbet.

          • RMycroft

            Now I have an ice-cream headache.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              I just roasted a few heads of garlic. It is a great antidote.

            • Peter

              Is that for wearing around your neck and thrusting at anyone on the street offering you a copy of The Way to Happiness? LOL

            • BuryTheNuts2

              hehehe, nope…its because I am hungry and after looking at that photo I sure didn’t want anything sweet….or pink!

            • Peter

              Oh, okay. In that case, you can just breathe on them and the books. That’ll fix ‘em!! ROFL

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              I had a girlfriend who had no idea how to cook. She mistook a head of garlic for a clove in the recipe. Called for 3-4 cloves, she added three heads. When she pulled the chicken out of the oven, I couldn’t see the any chicken at all under the blanket of garlic over the top. It was too much for even Emeril. On top of that, she didn’t wash the cutting board after the garlic extravaganza well enough before slicing strawberrys for topping the dessert. Uh huh, garlic dessert too.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              That is funny. And that chicken sound perfect!
              I ate 3 heads of roasted garlic last night and I am about to do it again.
              I ought to able to “Clear” my office building tomorrow ten minutes before I actually arrive!

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Yeah, I’m something of an expert at “projecting” my clear.

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Mmmmmm. Spread on crusty French bread I hope?

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Oh heck yes!

            • cicely neville

              One of my kids did that at a party, For weeks, every time he took a bath, the garlic sort of steamed out of his pores – the whole house smelled like an Italian restaurant.

            • monkeyknickers

              Yah huh? Nom.

            • MissCandle

              Did you marry her?

            • RMycroft

              Every once in a while, I do a roast and stuff it with garlic. Make an incision, shove in a clove. Repeat until you can’t. Lovely! Unfortunately, the roast beef sandwiches are NSFW.

          • monkeyknickers

            You’re killing me today. :)

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          Damn it, Bury. I just had lunch.

        • sugarplumfairy

          Oooohhh.. A fairy house.. I want it!

        • Robert Eckert

          Why are there no stuffed animals on the bed?

          • BuryTheNuts2

            They fled…

            • monkeyknickers

              Or were they eaten?

          • Captain Howdy

            Stuffed animals and dolls attract body thetans.

        • Isaac Clarke

          I didn’t realize Kristie liked Zen minimalism.

        • monkeyknickers

          WHO IS KRUSTIE WHY DO I NOT GET ANY REFERENCES EVER THIS IS FRUSTRATING.

          • BuryTheNuts2

            Kirstie Alley.
            We call her Krusty.

            • monkeyknickers

              Oh.

              Got it. thanks.

              Her house looks stupid.

          • MissCandle

            I keep trying to embed a pic of Kirstie Alley, but I don’t know how. Anyway, now you know. She’s mean in general, she’s mean to Leah Remini, she has poor taste in home decorating, and I think that is why posters here are calling her names. I saw that she has a leading role in a new Lifetime TV channel show that starts in the fall. Speaking of fall, how far she has fallen. Karma.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Here ya go.

            • MissCandle

              Wonderful. Thanks.

        • ze moo

          I didn’t know that Thomas Kincade did interior decorating….

        • cicely neville

          (Rofl from comments, oh God, I’m in pain this afternoon!)
          What in HELL is the above? Please tell me it’s one of Observer’s shoops and not a real house -

        • ThetaBara
  • Lurkness

    In Scilonese (an ancient weasel language), “welcoming 4.4 million new people” does not mean new members. Could just be visitors to orgs, stress test participants, victims of fliers be being handed to them, etc. Still seems like an exaggerated number even at that.

    • http://frankdisalleisadummy.wordpress.com/ Get Chutney Love

      I don’t know if this has been posted here before, but it’s certainly relevant to the topic at hand:

      http://xkcd.com/1102/

    • Captain Howdy

      Or it could just be something they pulled out of their ass. That’s just applying standard tech.

  • Colin Henderson

    To my knowledge, the DoD has always listed “Scientology” as “other” when claimed as one’s religion.

  • Mark

    Ms. Kong’s “orders of magnitude”? Feh!

    “Sea Org” = ancient, run aground, emptying fast

    “Saint Hill Size” = superseded, almost deserted

    “Model Ideal Org” = new, empty

  • Illinoisian

    Just realized that it’s Bastille Day — good day for someone to let everyone out of the Hole — and other places of confinement.

  • Phil McKraken

    Let’s follow the logic for the Valley Ideal Org for a moment: When the Valley Ideal Org is ready, LA will be an Ideal City, with all 4 Orgs Ideal. Once the Valley Org is completed, they will be able to start advertising and booming business and we’ll need all 4 Orgs to be Ideal to handle the traffic.

    My question: Why don’t you start that ad campaign now, start filling up those 3 Ideal Orgs that are already open? Can these people not follow the most obvious of logical progressions? How do they function in daily life?

    • 1subgenius

      Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow.
      Yer only a day away.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      Logic? LOGIC?!? We don’t need no stinking LOGIC!!!

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      I like to ask,”How have you not stepped in front of a bus yet?”

  • BuryTheNuts2

    4.4 million new people each year.

    OK, all of the obvious math jokes aside….and there are many to be had….but…

    How on earth does the average Scientologist not see shit like this and just choke on the absolute absurdity of it all?
    This is some serious “snap out of it” clueage going on here.

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      Um, this?

  • Missionary Kid

    I’m familiar with what a $cion continent looks like, but that continent on the poster for the first ideal continent must be puzzling to wogs.

    • shasha40

      I figured with their lack of formal schooling they didn’t have a clue as to geography. Hell , it’s $cien-tology , yet they don’t know science or have real knowledge from it !

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        Two words. Applied. Scholastics.

  • Poison Ivy

    Tony, as a third generation English major, you get 100 points and a contribution just for using the word “catholic” in its adjectival capacity!!

    Good funnies today. All of which give increasingly solid evidence to the delusion under which fanatical Scientologists are operating.

    “We are the only hope for the planet.”

    “I am clearing LA**. I am clearing the planet.”

    Sigh. The arrogance. The delusion. The Koolaid. While they watch their money drain away and stand by while families are destroyed right before their eyes.

    **Having lived in LA for a couple of decades, I can say from experience that I don’t think its “clearable” in any way shape or form.

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      Those poor folks couldn’t even clear their own acne, let alone LA. Damn, now where’d I put that Proactiv bottle?

      • ze moo

        Don’t you mean prozac?

    • Pete Cockerell

      Wait, are you saying that you’re a third-generation English major, or that Tony is? If the former, you might want to revisit that sentence.

      • Robert Eckert
        • FistOfXenu

          Wasn’t it yesterday BTN joked she’d shoot DM’s dangling modifiers off?

          EDIT: DM = Dangling Modifier?

          • BuryTheNuts2

            No, I said I would shoot a fictional character’s (who was based on nobody…but he was very short with a bad attitude)..dangling modifier off.

            • FistOfXenu

              My apologies BTN. Of course it was a fictional character.

              But I’m still gonna call DM “Dangling Modifier”.

  • RMycroft

    For a long time news stories would drop in boilerplate of Scientology’s x million membership, many times without even a claimed qualifier. They’ve stopped doing that now, and Karin Pouw probably realizes that specific number claims won’t get any traction. “Millions” is nice and vague without having to back down.

  • Kim O’Brien

    Sorry …could not resist positing this from Marty’s blog. This is why scientologists are so fucking annoying …when anyone uses some semblance of common sense to ask some semblance of a common question …out comes the ” study LRH to get it ” bullshit . These are supposed to be the ones who “woke up”

    “Hi Schorsch. You are only expected to be able to understand the concepts Marty writes about in this blog. Full understanding and realisations come about by the application of scientology processes. No one will go clear by studying the theory or scientology, or any other philosophy for that matter. That is why Ron Hubbard is so revered by scientologists. He developed the processes and auditing techniques of scientology to gradually bring about the cognitions which lead to the experience of time/space as a mind construct and the ultimate freedom from the physical universe as a being.”

    THIS is why we can’t have nice things ! ;)

    • shasha40

      In other words , get auditing from Marty !” Ha !

      • Jeb Burton

        Free auditing, with testimonials. Great deal. What? Thousands of dollars a session? How is that better than the corporate church? Oh, you read a book on eastern philosophy and you piece meal that together with scientology. And you get see Mosey, yeah, thats the ticket. All of this and if you order today, you get one free 15 minute session. Cash only please.

        • BuryTheNuts2

          Why Marty went Quantum (In my opinion)!

          quan·tum
          /ˈkwäntəm/

          Noun
          A discrete quantity of energy proportional in magnitude to the frequency of the radiation it represents.
          An analogous discrete amount of any other physical quantity, such as momentum or electric
          charge.

          He recognized a couple of words he knew.

        • shasha40

          You stole Marty’s script and business plan ! I’m calling right now, 15 whole minutes free ! Yippie !

    • George Layton

      If you have never been in would you have wognotions instead of cognitions?

    • Sidney18511

      When I read that over at Marty’s blog, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. These people are still on target 2. They haven’t even begun boarding the spaceship home.

      • Kim O’Brien

        it really creeps me out ….they are so NOT out , it makes me uncomfortable. And whoever the hell the Oracle is …holy shitballs

        • BuryTheNuts2

          Is she going bonkers again? Do I need to go read?

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            Tie a rope around your waist so we can pull you back up, just in case.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Honey, that woman is not right in the head. But she sure is fun to read.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Ok, Ok. A simple axiom evolved for Marty. Here it is (no, really):

              It is simply this, to the degree data assists with relieving additives to the mind that enforce automatic time/space construction it is valuable; conversely, to the degree data invites introduction of additives that further automatic time/space construction it is destructive of higher awareness and states of consciousness.

              I need an IV chock full of morphine. STAT!!!!

            • DeElizabethan

              I read that too and took a pill!

            • Kim O’Brien

              can you give one to him too ?( lol ) i mean seriously Dee…you were one of the rational peeps over there …what the hell has been going on ?

            • DeElizabethan

              Kim, read MLT’s answer, right on…
              BTW the pill was a laughing pill. Wish he would take one!

            • Michael Leonard Tilse

              He is channeling Hubbard. Basically taking the form of Hubbard’s *pulled it out of my assioms* and plugging in his own scientology oriented ‘cognitions’ using dimly understood concepts he gleans from dumbed down popularized treatments of physics and mysticism.

            • Kim O’Brien

              maybe is sounds better in Italian …? most things do once ya think about it

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Will it actually SAY ANYTHING in Italian???

            • Kim O’Brien

              no – but it will sound better

            • cicely neville

              Me too.

          • Kim O’Brien

            no ..stay here ..it’s just a big Marty / emotional hand job over there ..

            • BuryTheNuts2

              OH HOLY PIGFUCK…TOO LATE!

              I couldn’t get past the first paragraph of “Time and Space”.
              Will someone please give this guy a book with some real science in it!

              I can’t even go to the comments. My neurons ache.

            • Kim O’Brien

              well …someone named ” Brian” …not sure if it’s the “village with no idiot ” Brian that is all bendy and stuff ( sounds like him though ) actually posted that Jesus was a yogi who studied in India . ( no ..there is no punchline ..not a joke ..he actually typed that himself )

            • Unex Skcus

              Must take a good chunk of a lifetime to learn to write such nonsensical, unintelligible drivel.

    • monkeyknickers

      HAHA!

      I had a cognition Kim!

      Yer funny.

      • Kim O’Brien

        Humor , irony , love and sex …( working on the last one ..keep ya posted ;)

        • monkeyknickers

          God Kim – let me know how it works out . . . . :( I can barely remember what you even do anymore. And the last time I played that game I ended up with 2 extra teammates. AWKWARD. :)

    • cicely neville

      Holy cats. You can take the boy out of the Koolaid, but …….

  • MissCandle

    IMHO, the question about what to put on a tombstone in a National Cemetary has probably never come up, because people from the S-Lying-Tology persuasion rarely, if ever, serve our country. They are too busy f**king it up. I mean, “clearing and idealling” it up.

    • RMycroft

      Hey, they’re all reverends right? (It’s a 15 hour course.) You can’t expect men of the whole cloth to fight.

  • Missionary Kid

    I don’t know if this is old news, or what, but Mike Rinder is reporting that an event got cancelled, and that the time of graduation got moved up an hour.

    How significant are those changes, in the scheme of things?

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      I am very surprised that this didn’t lead today’s “funnies.” The “event of the century” was abruptly cancelled just hours before it was to begin in Clearwater. We were discussing it last night in previous threads here.

      • Missionary Kid

        I fell asleep early. Thanks.

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        I think DM was waaaaaay behind on his downvoting.

      • Isaac Clarke

        It’s probably going to be a bigger separate report.

    • scnethics

      Never in my life has a scientology event been cancelled. Not at a mission, not at at an org, and definitely NOT at Flag! I’d say this is a pretty big deal.

      • Semper Phi

        I agree! And it wasn’t so long ago that the Maiden Voyage Events were a really major series of events held on FOUR consecutive weekends in the summer. To have them dwindle down to three, then I think only two last year (could be wrong on that) and now canceled altogether. Seems like a pretty telling sign to me of the lack of enthusiasm in the ranks.

        • scnethics

          Yeah, that is a big deal too!

          • L. Wrong Hubturd

            Kind of makes me wonder if the rats are jumping from the sinking ship even faster than we all realize.

            • Douglas D. Douglas

              You betcha!

            • Sidney18511

              The new insider blog “Scientology celebrities” has posted that all hell has broken loose at the CC.

            • monkeyknickers

              Where’s that blog? I don’t know it.

            • ze moo

              http://scientologycelebrity.wordpress.com/

              Some very funny stories there. I hope a sec check of all co$ is under way to find these jokers and degraders.

            • Sidney18511

              MK………this is the blog….http://scientologycelebrity.wordpress.com/

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              I’m not sure if I believe that site but if it is true, this is how I feel right now:

      • scnethics

        And the issue would seem to be a low level of confirmed attendees, which should never be a problem in Clearwater, an area loaded with scientologists. The fact that they moved this event to graduation night is significant. On graduation night, attendance will be enhanced by all the trainees who have been commanded to Flag for training on GAT II. It seems that without these, attendance would have been noticeably low. The Flag auditorium only holds 1200 people. If they had trouble filling that even with the offer of food and babysitting….whoa!

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          I’m not at all convinced the attendance numbers were the reason. I think the Leah Remini international coverage that included abuse of staff, Where’s Shelly, and family disconnection on a whim, plus the leak of Super Power being just more very lower level, boring routine stuff is what is causing the bubbles to burst all over scientology land.

          • BuryTheNuts2

            I think he was flat out afraid someone might do a shout out!
            The numbers have been suckus for a while. But the fear of a shouted out “Where is Shelley” or “What is up with Leah”…he would of freaked and went nuclear…. and he knows it.

            • DeElizabethan

              That thought entered my mind before I left. But, in giving it some thought came to the conclusion I would be stampeded or put in jail. So gave that idea up. What fun if I were a really brave person.

            • MissCandle

              Actually, you are DeElizabethan. You’re out, aren’t you? You’re here, aren’t you? Now that you’re defrocked, you’re even braver.

            • TheHoleDoesNotExist

              Not brave not brave, De! In this instance, this is more “rather enjoy living. I think I’ll keep it up”. But do keep a look out for any Blackhawks hovering or yellow tape being strung out around the block, and keep us posted, okay? tks

            • ThetaBara

              Totally. It would be an incredibly risky (though awesome) thing to do. Getting out is hard as it is, and I am just glad you’re with us!

          • RMycroft

            Maybe they couldn’t get enough people to block the doors until everyone had been regged?

      • TheHoleDoesNotExist

        With Miscavige in town? Big Huge Red Flag Wavin’, Shit Hitting Fan, Hill 10 Crapfest of a Big Deal! And this was supposed to replace the MaidenVoyage cancelled event.

        I think the tsunami is lapping at his feet. Leah, Super Power leak, Narconon raids, Garcia lawsuit, PC Folders being turned over to a court (Laura’s lawsuit), David’s sister, Denise, being arrested, all his family out now, both Jenna Miscavige Hill and Larry Wright’s book tour still steaming full force ahead ….

        Yeah, Leah and Super Power I think blasted all those holes in the dike Wide Open. Miscavige can’t fill up up the little Flag auditorium even with his Ordered outer org staff there. If enough of the scientology Whales who circle all the OT Committees and VIP clubs are Just Saying No F*cking Way for real, this is becoming to look a lot a High Noon showdown. Wahoooo!

        So what’s coming Monday that Rinder hinted at (and Tony said yesterday holding on to a big story)? Those kinds of teasers always get me dreaming. I have many happy ending dreams.

        Yeah, this is a Big F’n Deal alright. The Pinellas County Tourism Board should put out an Alert or hell, just put up yellow tape around the scientology buildings in downtown Clearwater and tell them to Stay Back! Do Not Enter! zone.

        http://i42.tinypic.com/2va1c2v.jpg

        • Sidney18511

          I would think that they must be receiving hundreds of requests for a statement regarding Leah leaving and Shelly’s whereabouts from the media to put the fear of xenu in him. Maybe he is close to having a breakdown.

          They have completely lost control of the message. The usual tactics aren’t working. Could it be time to implement tech R-45?

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            Don’t even like to joke about that one, Sid. But agreed, totally lost control of the message.

        • Lurkness

          We need the DM/Flag Tsunami shoop!

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            Observer is being run ragged! But I agree.

        • MissCandle

          THDNE, Let me get the info in your post straight:
          Tsunami = water (which is wet) +
          “I have many happy ending dreams” = . . .

        • villagedianne

          Maybe the event was cancelled because COS is already attempting damage control ahead of whatever is going to be revealed on monday.

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            I guess I should point out that the outer staff and some Flag staff that in the building have been studying (allegedly) the Super Power Rundown bulletins, which means that those on the inside have Found out the shocking truth. It is very possible some or more or blowing fast and others are leaking to their friends. This is a major blow to the whales who have sacrificed Everything, gone through hell, for decades just so they can get on this ride. On the other hand, if none of these staff are actually studying these Rundowns, and DM is promoting that they are, That is going to cause waves too.

            On top of that, Leah’s coverage about family disconnection is yet another Huge button that of course all those inside know too well, and has been a slow burning fuse all in itself and now the embarrassment and shame of the whole wide world hearing about it. I honestly don’t know if those left give a damn about staff, but would still be upset that it is getting exposed. I don’t know how much, frankly, they give a damn about Shelley either. I wouldn’t doubt if most just thought she deserved whatever.

            But Super Power and Family Disconnection are two explosive topics that have just been blown out the roof and announced in every nook and cranny of every media type and network in major cities and even some small downtowns like Clearwater. So whatever Monday brings is just another crashing wave on top of crashing waves.

    • Robert Eckert

      If it bleeds, we can kill it!

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5n-e9F7spE

  • Mat Pesch

    In 2002, while I was the Treasury Sec FSO in Clearwater, I had the computer print the names of all public that had donated at least $1,000 over the last 3 years to the FSO for service. The list was only about 5,000 names.

    It was really a surprise. The list was double checked and verified as correct. Realize that the FSO makes more money and delivers more Scientology service (VSD + Value of Service Delivered) than all the rest of Scientology combined.

    That’s 1 full time staff member for every 5 public. How can that be viable for any business? It’s no wonder that these public are pounded for every penny they can beg, borrow or steal.

    • PreferToBeAnon2

      good data! thanks!
      EDIT: sorry, i used the ‘data’ word

      • Robert Eckert

        You used the word correctly! That calls for some intense sec-checking. What crimes have you been withholding?

  • media_lush

    Yeah Bert, you sure did a great job on that $100m lawsuit against In Touch/Radar/Enquirer, lulz

    The one thing I pumped to notice is “his gay-rumor litigation…. the story that’s impossible to find on the internet and one that I’ve mentioned numerous times here [Face magazine, UK early 90's]

  • Lurkness

    Dwarfenfuehrer canceling the IAS Event at Flag that was to cover for the 25th Anniversary of the
    Freewinds and the 20th Anniversary of declaring victory in the “war” with the IRS, was stunning news.

    PreferToBeAnnon2 hit the nail on the dwarf in surmising DM was “no doubt, afraid to confront a dwindling crowd as well as the question that is snaking through the US and Europe right now, “Where’s Shelly?” Or
    even, “What happened with Leah?” Then there is the, “How is your sister, Denise, doing? And the dreaded, “Now that we are getting trained, when are the doors to the Suppahhh Powahhh building opening?”

    Some other questions, ordinarily socially acceptable to ask (even absent brass or
    f’ing rank), that might just set HE-who-must-be-obeyed-off the charts include:

    How is your Dad doing?

    What is your Brother up to these days?

    Ever see your old brother-in-law John Brousseau, where is he fishing now?

    How about that adorable niece of yours, Jenna?

    What’s your one line question for DM that could set him off when you run into him?

    • BuryTheNuts2

      How tall are you?

      • Lurkness

        Awesome, spit coffee and still laughing.

        • cicely neville

          Yes, stop ,stop! oh, the pain! And household pets are looking askance at me.

      • Peter

        Getting hit with “How tall are you?” right after spitting coffee all over my puter screen with “you vertically challenged lackwit” is almost more than I can handle this early in the day! My tummy is hurting from it all, you devils!!! ROFL

    • PreferToBeAnon2

      Plan on making Battlefield Earth II?

      • RMycroft

        Bwahahahaha!

        Earth under threat again as Travolta hints at sci-fi sequel October 19, 2000, Guardian Unlimited
        http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2000/oct/19/news1

        • Robert Eckert

          It’s been in the works almost as long as Super Powers!

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      What’s your favorite episode of King of Queens?

      How’s everything going at Golden Shower Productions?

      Have you booked your flight to target 2 yet?

      Which book from Marty do you like best?

      Didn’t Mike’s bride look beautiful? Oh, you weren’t there? I’m SURE you saw the pictures….

      • Lurkness

        Marty and Mike questions are killer.

    • media_lush

      so are you a top or a bottom? …. you know when you and Tommy C get together….?

    • Lurkness

      Here is the poster for the cancelled event.

      • nottrue

        cancelled event got rinder all shook up. now the PIs are following him to the supermarket.if they only knew he was just checking to see if twinkies were back yet

        • monkeyknickers

          I need Twinkies. Mrs. Freshly’s sad carbon copy is a poor poor substitute. I need sugary cake encasing a questionable white goo thing.

          I’m not even joking. :)

          • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

            I’m allergic to chocolate and eggs, so went through Twinkie withdrawal before they were withdrawn. All I can tell you is it only took me about 10 years to stop drooling at the Twinkie and Hostess Cupcake display without being able to get my fix, so you will get over it eventually. ;-)

            • monkeyknickers

              I’m inspired by your strength girl! :)

          • Espiando

            I’ve tried the Mrs. Freshley’s clone. You’re right. It took the edge off, though. That being said, 7-11′s sad impersonation of a Hostess Cupcake…no, no way.

          • Lurkness
          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            I can relate. Those poor substitutes for White Castle hamburgers in the grocery frozen food section is evil. The picture on the carton loooooks so enticing you can almost smell the grease and onions. Then you get home and taste the cardboard. Then the withdrawals start all over again.

            • MissCandle

              OMX . . . a kindred spirit.

        • nottrue

          just for that NO TWINKIES FOR YOU

      • Peter

        I think these dorks truly need to word clear “legendary”.

        • RMycroft

          A mix of myth and history. Seems right.

      • Douglas D. Douglas

        And here’s the back. Guess all that breathless language left folks… breathless… and unable to attend.

      • ThetaBara

        “The Turning Point” indeed! LOLOLOLOL!!!

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          A stopped clock is right twice a day. Every now and then, a scientologist tells the truth. They will be go to hell or the hole for it even if it was an accident. But it happens.

      • BosonStark

        They should have a “Where’s Shelly” party at the famous Hole That Doesn’t Exist. And this showing films of “legendary” past events to reg the hell of members seemed like such a sure thing. They could even sell videos of members watching the legendary event on video.

        • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

          Although most people probably just refused to come or cancelled after Leah’s defection, It’s possible he had to cancel it because someone left in a reference to Marty or Heber from the original 1993 Event. OR someone who was there in 1993 confirmed for the event. Ruh Roh.

          Back in 1993, he was still grudgingly giving the people who actually did it credit as people who helped him so the tape had to be edited to show that he took down the IRS singlehandedly.

          The short version took out Marty and Heber Years ago, I can imagine it would be trickier to edit the long version. That’s the problem with trying to revise history when there are people who are still alive who were there.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      How do you do all those amazing things with such tiny hands…?

    • Mark

      Tripped over any cocktail-sticks recently, shortarse?

    • Mark

      When did you last see Ron Hubbard?

    • ThetaBara

      Is this the real life, or is it just fantasy?

      • Lurkness

        Perfect. We all know how he likes Queen AND musical chairs!

      • L. Wrong Hubturd
      • Lurkness

        Perfect. We all know how he likes Queen AND musical chairs!

    • PreferToBeAnon2

      Was that a Thomas Kincaide painting I saw in the lobby?

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        Comment of the day….so far at least.

      • Mark

        This one?

        • BuryTheNuts2

          LOVES!!!

          • Mark

            Or how about this one?

            • BuryTheNuts2

              baahaahaaa

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              Also, for the recent Bunker additions here, Karen De La Carriere (an outspoken critic who has been doing some of the recent videos that Tony has posted and who has a loonngg history) is also a dealer for Kincaide art.

            • Mark

              De gustibus, non est disputandum.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              ^^^ what you said!

            • PreferToBeAnon2

              and that too!

            • Captain Howdy

              I wonder if Karen has this one?

            • Mark

              Suggested title: “LRH before the Monster From His Id attacked Bonnie Braes”

            • cicely neville

              That’s just sick, Mark. Bwhahaha

            • BuryTheNuts2

              That might give her nightmares. Meanie.

            • Captain Howdy

              Why would it giver her nightmares? She’s still a believer.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Ok. good point, maybe it is me who is going to have the nightmares.
              By the way. I dreamed about Bunkerites last night. and it was weird…very very weird.

            • Robert Eckert

              That wasn’t a dream. We all snuck into your bedroom at night.

            • Captain Howdy

              Don’t leave us hanging.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              We were at a big party and a few of you guys and Mr. Nuts were hanging out by the pool and talking.
              A bunch of us women were hanging out in a kitchen and I was all stressed and really worried because I was afraid you guys were out there all tattling on me to me to Mr. Nuts.

              I don’t know what I did wrong, but I am sure it was something!

            • Captain Howdy

              Wow…that sounds really weird…”rolls eyes”.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              That is cuz I refuse to give you the dirty details :)
              roll away!!!

              Smart ass!

            • FLUNK_101

              Does the Bunker fulfill a need that is lacking in your relationship with Mr Nuts?

            • FLUNK_101

              Let’s hear it. You can trust us. No matter what it is, we won’t hold it against you … at least not until you try to “blow,” or leave the bunker.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Look below….You were there too.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Wait a minute, does that mean it goes into my P/C folder?

            • Spackle Motion

              You should see her license plate. I ‘heart’ LRH.

              Vomit.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              EWWWWW.

            • Sidney18511

              Moar please!

            • Mark

              Your wish is my command…

            • Observer

              That last one reminds me of the end of Bioshock Infinite.

            • monkeyknickers

              OMG awesometown.

            • Captain Howdy

        • Captain Howdy

          LMAO…if only. I would actually buy that

          • Mark

            So would I! I was going to print this up and frame it (to go alongside my engraving of the devil stealing a church) but this was the highest-res version I could find, worst luck.

    • Karen715

      What was it like, meeting Ted Koppel?

      • PreferToBeAnon2

        bingo!

      • monkeyknickers

        HUMILIATING. :)

        Seriously, . . . “the ANAL need for regularity . . . . ”

        I can’t believe Koppel didn’t fall off his fucking chair.

    • Sidney18511

      Or just maybe…it was like throwing a party and nobody showed up.

    • Michael Leonard Tilse

      DM was so furious at himself for failing to handle the Leah Remini flap that he repeatedly punched himself in the face, ran around a pole, flogged himself to the music of Queen and sent himself to the RPF’s RPF. There won’t be another event until Scientologists put their ethics in. So there. PpppBleah.

      • ThetaBara

        I’d pay to see that!
        Hmm, this could be their last ditch ploy for bucks!

  • Semper Phi

    OK, the people at Valley Org who decided that “Alumni” was a good name for a donor status level have an M.U. which makes it a hilarious name for a status level. First, as was noted below, alumnI is the plural form of alumnUS. And second, the definition of “alumnus” is “a former associate, employee, member, or the like.” Are the Rozencrantzes trying to tell us something?

    • BuryTheNuts2

      Yes, that they have had study tech!

  • V4Vacation

    This post gave me some much needed lulz this morning. Thank you for that, Tony.

    Two of my favorite things above are:

    That Scilons define a “continent” as the area of the US that is west of the Mississippi river, south of Canada, and north of Mexico.

    And that the Rosencranz alumni couple listed the following hilariously random types of people as not going to fix the planet: doctors, engineers, democrats, republicans, vegetarians, environmentalists, industrialists, Americans, Frenchmen, the rich, the poor, “anyone else”, and the well-intentioned. ROFL.

    Frenchmen?? Wtf. Why stop there? Butchers, bakers, candlestick makers, Cirque du Soleil contortionists, dog walkers, Chinamen, astronauts, puppeteers, kindergarteners, El Chupacabra… The list goes on!

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      I’d let a Cirque contortionist “clear” me any day.

    • Isaac Clarke

      Americans? Does that mean the scientolgists living in the US consider themselves to be un-American?

      It would be true, in a sense, since their cult is anti-democratic and infiltrative. That’s why so many democracies monitor the cult closely.

      • Robert Eckert

        And they’re no “well intentioned” either, and don’t include any doctors (just chiropractors) or environmentalists (just think how much unjustifiable treeslaughter they commit!) etc.

  • Douglas D. Douglas

    Where is Debbie Downvote this morning? Probably had to stay up late folding chairs, taking down crepe-paper streamers, and taking the air out of balloons so they could be reused.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      (Downvoters were out last night. Of course, they had nothing better to do!)

      • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

        You’ve gotta admit it was probably a lot more enjoyable than sitting through the event.

        • Sidney18511

          How sad your life must be when you consider down voting posts big big fun.

          • BuryTheNuts2

            Or worse, you’re duty.

            • Observer

              Or even worse, a means to save the world.

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          Made me laugh.

  • http://mirror-of-dr-lilly.blogspot.com/ Meow Macao

    ” IZUMO TAISHAKYO MISSION OF HAWAII” — how many American Shinto believers could there be?
    “SUFISM REORIENTED” (Meher Baba followers) — how many of these could there be?

    Not many i bet.

    • L.L. Cantare J

      Not many, but they served their country.

      The symbols probably represent the veteran’s religion at the time of his/her death rather than at the time of their military service, right? Considering how tiny/fringe some of the represented religious groups are, I’m a bit surprised there *isn’t* a Scientology cross.

      The VA rules say that the emblem must be “free of copyright or trademark restrictions or authorized by the owner for inscription on Government-furnished headstones”–I wonder if some poor veteran-turned-Scientologist has wanted the Clam Cross on their gravestone, but the RTC’s draconian trademark protection stopped it.

      • stateofcircle

        That’s a great point, LL. I would be interested in finding out if the VA ran into trouble with copyright issues with Scientology. If so, their insidiousness just got more insidiouser.

        • ze moo

          No copyright payment, no headstone. I can see the HCOB now.

          • TheHoleDoesNotExist

            I’ve never ever heard of this being a problem. Any U.S. veterans that did scientology after military service are more likely to be from the 60′s to late 70′s or very early 80′s era so it’s a moot point. This issue about any religion and symbol is okay now is not going to affect any scientologists today, maybe a handful at most. Military is frowned upon. They need your meat body inside the course room or auditors chair for their stats, as well as your money, or at least working 3 jobs to make much more than a soldier’s pay.

            If there’s a scientologist in today, they are going to very likely be broke though, so there is the slightest of possibilities that if someone wants them to be buried in a VA cemetery, they can get indigent status. Also, any service organization, (Amer Legion, VFW, Amvets, etc) will upon request provide an Honor Guard service, free of charge, and you can have any minister you want at the ceremony if you choose. I am glad the rules have changed on this issue. Any veteran deserves to be buried any damn way he or she chooses, even if it’s a double cross.

            • ze moo

              Stories from other web sites seem to ‘prove’ Co$ would rather have their young people in the Sea Arggghhh then any military. There must some mid-sixties ‘converts’ to CO$ who could be buried in a military graveyard or get a military headstone. Only trademark and copyright stuff could keep the ‘double cross’ off a headstone. If the ‘hammer of Thor’ is available, there should be enough dead clams to get their symbol in.

    • ThetaBara

      I bet you there were Meher Baba followers among the Vietnam War dead.

  • Racnad

    A friend of mine once claimed that there were more Scientologists than Mormons, but it only seemed like there were more Mormons because so many of them live in Utah. He didn’t realize that the reason it seemed like there were so many Scientologists was because he worked at the Org, and rented an apartment in a building that rented to a lot of Los Angeles Scientologists, and that was the social circle he moved in. He also had not done much travelling and noticed that every neighborhood seems to have an LDS Temple, while local Scientology missions are harder to find (and harder to find today than in the 1970s).

    Also the figures of 6-10 million are often used because its large enough that you can say “millions” but not so large that it is obviously BS. If you had 6 million members in the USA, you WOULD be the same size as LDS, according to Wikipedia.

    • Douglas D. Douglas

      For the last couple of years I have done an informal (non-scientific) poll, by asking ordinary people, “Do you know a Scientologist?” Invariably they will say yes, citing Tom Cruise of John Travolta. But when asked if they know a Scientologist in their everyday life, they say no. I have yet to meet ANYONE who knows a Scientologist in a casual manner. The only ones I have ever met are the ones who are proselytizing on the street.

      And do bear in mind I have a wide circle of friends. I know Mormons, Buddhists, Catholics, lapsed Catholics, Wiccans, humanists, Southern Baptists, Unitarians, and even a few Democrats. I would LOVE to have a Scientologist in my circle of friends, just so I could ask questions and get (hopefully) unfiltered answers. But… no go.

      • Semper Phi

        I agree with your point about how few Scilons there are but do have to add that when I was still in, anyone outside my family who knew me would have said that they didn’t know any Scientologists in their everyday life. There are not very many of ‘em out there, and them that are, ain’t talking about it.

        • Douglas D. Douglas

          I have often wondered about that.

      • Michael Leonard Tilse

        At EarthLink in the Information Technology division we had a recreation room with a pool table and video games for some decompression and perks. A bunch of us, about 7 or 8 were in the rec room having a conversation and an employee from another department, (who in this instance I’ll call ‘Tom’), started to go off on those fucking scientologists and how could they believe in that shit, etc. The rant went on for a while and then one of the I.T. employees, not a scientologist, said to him, “So, ‘Tom’, which TWO people in this room are scientologists?” The stricken look on ‘Tom’s’ face was priceless.

        I understand his concern and frustration now, but that was just memorable.

    • Sidney18511

      Joseph Smith was the LRH of his day. Gold plates? Moroni? Getoutahere. Really.

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        Good Tshirt slogan. Two for the price of one. Nice.

      • Missionary Kid

        Atop the Mormon temple in West Los Angeles, there is a golden statue of the angel Moroni, holding up a straight trumpet with one arm, as if blowing into it.

        I had a friend who lived close by, who used to say that he “lived under Moroni’s armpit.”

        • BuryTheNuts2

          The San Diego Mormon Temple is a rocking building!

          • Missionary Kid

            I think it’s a faux medieval structure. What I can be say positive about it it that it looks better than any ideal morgue.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              I love the look of it and the way it is on a hill.
              It does look Medieval…probably why I like it.

      • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

        Heber Jentzsch (and I) were raised Mormon. The stories we could tell. We both left Mormonism, in our teens, got into Scientology, his father was a polygamist, my great grandfather was a polygamist. My other great grandfather was jailed in Palmyra with Joseph Smith.

        Hmmm I wonder why I ran away from anything to do with religion 35 years ago?

        • Robert Eckert

          A friend of mine from upstate New York told how LDS wanted to built some kind of historical center in Palmyra and sought to buy his father’s land. His dad said, “We are the people who BURNED YOU OUT, and we’d do it again!”

          • ze moo

            I think I know that guy.

        • MissCandle

          Thank Xenu you did, Valerie Ross, ye who has bookoodles of love from your family!

          • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

            I was complaining to my father once about something one of my friends did. His entire reply was “it’s easy to find bad in anyone if you look for it, the reverse is true too.” That is how he treated me until he died. Praised my good choices.

            I learned well from him. My children and grandchildren love me because I see them as valuable additions to my life and they feel the same about me.

        • TheHoleDoesNotExist

          Wow. You must have fascinating family reunions around the Thanksgiving table!

        • V4Vacation

          I would like to read your biography! ;D

    • Robert Eckert

      One source told me that there are 15 million worldwide who are on the membership rolls of LDS, but only about 5 million who tithe (and are therefore “in good standing”: the LDS is as least as insistent as Scientology that paying money is a sacred duty). The rest are those who were born into it and don’t want to “disconnect” (although the Mormons don’t quite use that word) from family.

      • Missionary Kid

        Mormons who no longer practice are called Jack Mormons.

        • BuryTheNuts2

          Hey, when I lived in Utah, a Jack Mormon could still be practicing…sorta…in between swigs of coffee and 3/2 beers.

          • L. Wrong Hubturd

            3/2 beers. That’s like 5/3rds Bank. I for one, am never banking with any institution who does math using things like 5/3.

            • Robert Eckert

              I’ve found Fifth Third to be much more reasonable than any of the bigger companies. No way would I ever let Wells Fargo, Bank of America, or Comerica touch a penny of mine again.

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Reasonable, they may be, but I hate the name. It does not inspire confidence in their banking abilities.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              That 5/3 bank drives me absolutely nuts for exactly the same reason. Has ever since I moved here.

            • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

              My son lives in Utah. NO he’s not Mormon, his Company moved him there. 3.2 is the largest percentage of alcohol allowed in beer in Utah. Utahns don’t even drink Utah beer. They drive to other states and stock up. That’s why all the bordering states have giant liquor stores in their border towns.

              If you’re ever passing through Utah, check the parking lot of any liquor store in a border town of utah (Nevada, Wyoming and Idaho are the top ones close to SLC). Their parking lots are full of cars with Utah plates.

            • BuryTheNuts2

              Two thumbs way the fuck up!!!

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Interesting. Thx.

            • Missionary Kid

              It used to be that to buy a drink in a bar or restaurant, one would have to join a private club in Utah, but, as I understand it, some counties has loosened up.

            • MissCandle

              Arkanass (not a misspell, rather my pet name) did that too back when. I had a relative who lived in Bentonville, home of the Waltons. I was excited that I was traveling on my own and was old enough to imbibe. I joined many restaurant clubs on that trip. As I recall.

            • monkeyknickers

              I CAN tell you Val that there is a liquor store in Salt Lake, near the Whole Foods. When you drive across this country playing your silly songs with your band, you QUICKLY figure out where the booze is in each state. :)

            • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

              Lots of liquor stores in Utah, and they all sell watered down dog piss 3.2 beer, thus the saying “yep, urine Utah”. The prices are also about 25% higher than neighboring states on all other booze due to their “sin tax”.

            • monkeyknickers

              HAHAHAHAH.

              Urine Utah.

              God that’s funny.

            • Missionary Kid

              To be serious about it, Utah mandates that the maximum alcohol content of they call Malt liquor be 3.2% by weight, which is 4% by volume. http://www.csulb.edu/~parayner/Alcohol.html

              In California, beer “over 3.99% is called Malt Liquor, Ale, stout, or porter.”

        • L.L. Cantare J

          Are Mormons who have been dry-rubbed with spices called Jerk Mormons?

          • Kim O’Brien

            i just peed myself a little …

          • Missionary Kid

            Grrrrrrrooooooooaaaaaannnn!!!!!!!!!!
            Your puns are almost as bad as mine.

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        Most Mormon meeting houses have a family research center. One of their encouraged hobbies for good Mormon wives is genealogy. Many still use microfiche machines. They are just now beginning to roll out the internet. A little out of date like our Scilon friends.

        Can you imagine the amount of daytuh needed to keep those whole-track records? Whew.

        • Espiando

          Not really. They established ancestry.com a long time ago for gentiles and good Mormons who can’t get to a center. Familysearch.org is also directly connected to the LDS Church. Also, I had to use microfiche when searching for certain records of my birth family, so it isn’t abnormal.

          • L. Wrong Hubturd

            How many meet houses have you been to? I’m sorry, but I’ve been in dozens and most have a family history center. Wives are encouraged to spend time researching and learning.

            • Espiando

              Sorry, I misread that as the LDS Church being reluctant to accept new technology, like a certain {church} who still uses telexes.

              Even if they were, the Mormons are still providing something useful to society at large with their obsession with making sure their ancestors get to heaven. That, of course, is the exact opposite of the second organization above.

      • Racnad

        I believe Heber Jenche once admitted publically that the 6-10 million figure includes anyone who has bought a book or taken a service at an org (since 1950?). Obviously not the same as practicing members, and I suspect Heber made that up to sound like it might be SOMETHING that wasn’t pulled out of someone’s ass.

  • Douglas D. Douglas

    Incidentally, some of your fellow Bunker mates were out in the trenches last night, over here:
    http://edit.hollywoodreporter.com/news/leah-remini-leaves-scientology-questioning-583860

    If anyone was so inclined, it would be nice to have some of the down votes countered with some Bunker Love…

    • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

      Couldn’t resist adding a few more fun comments to St. Claire, always ending them with the fact that we could aid in the escape of the poor deluded soul.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        I am really starting to like S.
        I think he is on the fence. Or at least walking toward it.

        • ze moo

          That comment btn2 is going to get St claire more sec checks and some ‘thought reform’. Good…..

          • BuryTheNuts2

            Well maybe I could save help save him. he seems to be a Floridian.

    • SP ‘Onage

      whack-a-mole-down-vote…wack…wack…wack! Have you notice they’ll add comments days, sometimes weeks after a negative article has been printed about them. Thar a wily bunch.

      • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

        {To bad we are all too stooped to notice those things}.

    • DeElizabethan

      Thanks Douglas. I went today, through it all. Meanwhile got knocked off, but went back and see the down voter back or was still there. Good thread and luv seeing many Bunkerittes.

  • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

    Congratulations Tony Ortega and Bunker Denizens!!!!! Due to the cancelled event last night, we were the main event for Scientologists with time on their fingertips. An entire thread down voted! Highest ever down vote stats for the Bunker. We are getting under their skin.

    C’mon everyone, click through on ads or donate. Tony, you did GOOD!!!!!

    EDIT: if someone wonders how I came up with the highest ever down vote stat, rest assured I used approved Scientology tech and pulled it out of my ass.

    • BuryTheNuts2

      VICTORY…again.

    • Captain Howdy

      Up votes, Down votes, you know I had my share;
      When my woman left home for a center tooth man,
      Well, I still don’t seem to care.

      • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

        Great take on a great song, but it got me to thinking.

        S said on the HR site last night, “at least it gets them reading” talking about all the news of $cn these days. Yep, every down voter OSA puts out here is one more chance for us to save someone from them.

        • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

          Thank you Davey/Debbie for taking the time to down vote me personally. Please help us get our down vote stats even higher than last night. We will help you escape when you leave. And remember, even if you do end up just flipping burgers, the pay, accommodations and freedom are much better here. No one will hit you either.

    • Sidney18511

      Laughed so hard after reading your post, my bloody Mary came out of my nose. I can’t stop the burn (too much horseradish) .

      • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

        Feel the burn. I know I’m aging myself here and am too lazy to look it up but it’s either Jane Fonda or Richard Simons exercise video, I think. Anyway. At least your nose got some exercise.

    • May_West

      Also noticed, unless my old memory is playing tricks on me, that Tony’s Facebook likes increased by about 300 in the past few days.
      Straight up and vertical growth. Totally upstat.

    • ThetaBara

      Freeloader debt is NOT legally enforceable! Don’t route out. Just blow. Walk away to real freedom!

  • L. Wrong Hubturd

    Back when soap-on-a-rope first came out, I remember a skit maybe from SNL about pope-on-a-rope. Maybe Obs could work up a Dope-on-a-rope with DM for us. Don’t make it look too much like a noose or you might get cited for scaring them again.

    • monkeyknickers

      What’s soap on a rope?

      • Robert Eckert
        • L. Wrong Hubturd

          Should have refreshed. I already a picture to illustrate.

          • Robert Eckert

            Diqsuq used to at least show the URL when there was a picture attachment they weren’t ready to show me online.

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        Google is your friend.

        • monkeyknickers

          I’m too lazy and fat.

          • L. Wrong Hubturd

            Wow, that IS lazy. ;-)

            • Missionary Kid

              Remember, she’s preggers with twins.

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Twins? Sheeeet, I missed that part.

            • monkeyknickers

              AND single . . . . it really does get worse. Much like Scientology. :)

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Knocked up and single I caught. Twins, I did not. You got a lot on your plate little lady. Best of luck to ya.

            • monkeyknickers

              Ha! I’ll need more than luck. I’ll need to develop a career in the drug trade. Or Thomas Kincaid paintings. Same thing. :)

            • monkeyknickers

              And . . . . working musician or not, you can see why I’m not such great dating material. :)

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              5 dogs, two kids in diapers. You better convert your ride to biofuel. You’ll have a huge supply of raw material.

            • monkeyknickers

              HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

              You funny L Wrong!

              Want an infant girl child??? I have some in stock.

            • L. Wrong Hubturd

              Thanks, but NO WAY. I’m happy enough as uncle L. Wrong.

            • monkeyknickers

              Too late, my friend. You get one. I already got an express envelope with your name on it. You have to be a little faster on the draw when it comes to this stuff, luv.

      • MissCandle

        Quit being so young! You are making me feel old.
        I meant: quit bragging about being so young. : )
        OK, nevermind.
        It was the father’s day gift that kept on giving, if you were alive in the 70′s.

      • stateofcircle

        soap. that is on a rope.

        • L. Wrong Hubturd

          Thanks for clearing that MU.

          • stateofcircle

            anytime.

            • monkeyknickers

              And also – IT’S NOT NICE TO MAKE FUN OF THE FAT GIRL.

              Jesus.

            • stateofcircle

              Just helpin a sista out. I prefer the answers of others over google. I’m being serious about that, not a snarky bitch.

            • monkeyknickers

              Me too!!!! This is my new life mission!

              I miss ASKING people. And hearing them, and getting information that doesn’t start with “wiki”.

              We are cut from the same cloth sweets. So . . . . you can make fun of the fat girl now. :)))

        • monkeyknickers

          Okay – you realize that it’s like saying: Shit. On a shingle.

          Or something equally weird.

          Why would you need a rope? Just to rhyme with soap?

          I appreciate that I can just google this, but sometimes I get sick of learning things on my own. :)

          • L. Wrong Hubturd
            • Michael Leonard Tilse

              Combines prayer and practicality. You won’t drop it and provides comfort when you realize you are screwed.

          • Michael Leonard Tilse

            Just a pun that got out of hand and spun into a thread that became a yarn that got twined around itself until the plot was as intricate and mundane as a daytime soap.

          • Missionary Kid

            Soap was put on a rope so that it’s harder to drop on the floor. The rope has a loop in it so it can be wrapped around the hand or arm.

            It’s good for people who are elderly or who have back problems., but there’s also the answer that L. Wrong Hubturd came up with.

            • monkeyknickers

              AH AH AH! THANK YOU!!

              It’s a product!

              It coulda been Suds-on-a-String too . . .

            • Missionary Kid

              But it wouldn’t rhyme.

          • Missionary Kid

            Shit on a shingle is an expression that got started in the military to describe creamed chipped beef on toast. I’ve seen it on menus as SOS.

            • monkeyknickers

              Shit on a shingle I know . . . only cuz my dad served in Vietnam and tells me about it sometimes.

              I have to say it doesn’t sound half bad. :)

            • Missionary Kid

              I believe that the term dates back further. I believe to WWII, but I don’t know.

              It’s not bad, but I didn’t have it every day. The reason that it was served so often was that the gravy stretched the chipped beef. The problem with it was that it was served often, so people got tired of it.

              I was sitting in a second-run movie theater, watching MASH when, as a part of the background, Radar was reading off the morning menu on the P.A. system. “Creamed chipped beef on toast.”

              I couldn’t resist, and blurted out, “Shit on a shingle.” I got a laugh out of it.

            • monkeyknickers

              I wish I could five thumbs up. I love that show. I discovered it late in life on Channel 12 reruns – but jesus it makes me laugh.

              Hey MK – he had a funny hand, Radar. Did you know that? They had to shoot around his funny hand thru the whole series. You think that kinda shit would happen now in TV ? NO WAY.

            • Missionary Kid

              I didn’t know that about Gary. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Burghoff

              It would be hard to cover something like that up on TV, because of the high definition cameras used, it would be easier to see.

              The Wikipedia entry says people on the set loved Radar and hated Gary.

  • Isaac Clarke

    It wouldn’t surprise my if Miscavige stops making public appearances.
    As the cult shrinks, they have to expend more effort to bus in as many members as possible to make an event seem crowded. So each bussed-in crowd represents an increasing percentage of the few remaining cult members.
    And the chance of a disgruntled cult member creating a disturbance at an event (e.g., shouting “where’s Shelly”) seems to be rapidly increasing. (Leah Remini could have easily done this.) That would create a red flag for a dangerously large fraction of the residual VIP Kool-Aid drinkers.

    • PreferToBeAnon2

      They surmised over at RInders that he will just be sending out DVDs to play now.

    • Observer

      Wow, he can’t even confront his own sheeple. Some Big Being!

  • Marc Headley

    Out of the several hundred people that I worked with at the Int Base, there were very few staff that had been in military service. I think most got into Scientology AFTER they were in the service. My point is that outside of scientology I know a TON of people people that are active service members or were in the service. In comparison, I would say there are very few people for the VA to worry about if at all. I would say a few hundred at most.

    I know that at the Int Base they some intel that suggested people might be drafted again and all males were ordered to do the Minister Course as to exempt themselves from any possible draft efforts. From my time in, it seemed the military was seen as a competitor.

    I even was part of a project to find out what the Army & Marines were doing to recruit members and see what sort of film and video promotions they were producing to get new recruits. I sent off for recruit packages from them and even went to a recruitment office to gather up their recruitment items so these could be studied and used for scientology purposes. Pretty sure that is where those stupid Sea Org posters with the guys in dress whites came from. If someone had the time, I am sure they could come up with some US armed services posters that were ripped off to pattern those Sea Org ones off of.

    • Espiando

      I wouldn’t be surprised if the entire list of Scientology veterans consisted of the old-timers who came of age during the draft and Alaska Ronn.

      • Ruby

        Good point, Espiando.

      • Michael Leonard Tilse

        I think in San Francisco they actively trolled the Sailors on Shore Leave from the Navy base across the bay.

    • TheHoleDoesNotExist

      At Pac the same thing…a quickie Ministers Course slapped together and an All Hands On Deck, drop everthing and do it within the next 3 days orders came down. We were given some shore story that was, of course, terrifying and alarming. Same thing with the Purif pilots…nuke showers expected at 11, stay tuned. I mean, even the Regges had to comply, and you know how drastic that is in the orgs.

      “In 1973, the draft ended and the U.S. converted to an all-volunteer military. According to the Selective Service System, “the registration requirement was suspended in April 1975. It was resumed again in 1980 by President Carter in response to the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan.”

      http://www.militaryspot.com/resources/military_draft/

      • Michael Leonard Tilse

        Yea, that was during the Staff Purif boondoggle at Cedars in late ’79 and early ’80. I was on the purif when that order came down. I queried it: One, because I was in the middle of a ‘case’ action, I.E. the purif. And TWO, because I was being ordered to do it and to me violated the principle that one only did things in Scn out of self-determinism. Doing it to escape the draft seemed illegal and I didn’t think being forced to do the Ministers Course was proper. To become a minister, to me, was a very personal and powerful spiritual decision. That they “ordered” us to do it should have set off the red flags because if it was being ordered, then there was no actual spirituality or integrity value to it in the the minds of Hubbard and those who ordered it. To them, it was just a scam.

        I was still required to do it. I did it under protest. It pissed me off and still does to this day.

        • Lurkness

          A scam to be sure you stayed in the scam called $cientology. Nice.

  • SP ‘Onage

    Busted! No religious symbol? Proof yet again they don’t really consider themselves a religion.

    Wanna make a bet OSA (after reading Tony’s article) has already shot off an e-mail to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, to fix that snafu.

    Or has the symbol been left off the list intentionally? Either way, it makes them look bad. Good catch, sharp-eyed reader and Tony!

  • L. Wrong Hubturd

    Thought of the day for those lurking who are still IN:

    I don’t know who(if anyone) has good answers about life and the universe, but I can guaranfuckingtee is is NOT your Source, L. Ron Hubbard. Blame begins with HIM, not David Miscavige. I can also guarantee it’s not the Indies either. You can’t something that has ALWAYS been broken. Always broken = never worked. LRH is not at target two, he’s dead. Done. Deceased. For ever and ever. He’s not returning this century or any other.

    He exaggerated or outright lied about almost all aspects of his personal life, so why do you believe that his TECH and “research” would be any different. His own writings and lectures contradict himself over and over. This is NOT entheta. It’s truth. The truth shall set you free. Don’t be afraid of your curiosity. Read, learn, absorb, then ruuuuuuuuun as fast as possible away from the “church”

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      Welcome home downy. That was fast. Good job.

    • DeElizabethan

      Once they read, learn and absorb, they are already under control and your words will not be seen or will just bounce off. Keep someone from going into the cofs is best.
      No down vote from me either.

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        I know, but some have learned to think for themselves. Some are questioning. How else do you explain the exodus? One little dent in the armor at a time.

        • DeElizabethan

          Yes, there are many on the fence and questioning and those will look on the internet and soon will be out. When I think of IN I think of those not looking at all.

          • Espiando

            De, as long as there are Exes out here like you promoting the word that there is a way out, and there are people out here who will help, they will soon be out.

            • stateofcircle

              Even if just one person so much as questions something because of what Tony wrote or the comments we make, I think we done good.

            • Espiando

              And as long as our comments stopped one person from taking an OCA or walking into an org, we done really good.

            • DeElizabethan

              That is optimum. Yes!

            • stillgrace

              New meat.
              Nix new meat.

            • MissCandle

              YES.

            • DeElizabethan

              Thanks, but not only ex’s but average and above, people who are aware of the dangers and evils in the cult that help all of us. Many know from having family members or friends, who have seen the destruction and they are just as helpful as the ex’s, if not more in certain ways.

    • stateofcircle

      Adding to the pile of cognitive dissonance…the fact that El Ron is never coming back.

      • L. Wrong Hubturd

        HA! El Ron, the tubby bullfighter.

    • L. Wrong Hubturd

      What’s the matter? I hit too close to home for someone? I got two downs now. Keep sending your friends. Someone will see the light and quietly thank me several years from now. Thank you L. Wrong, you’re the best toy anyone could ever wish for.

  • Captain Howdy

    I can’t believe that Hubbard or Miscavige never thought of this: “Women charged $5 per scream while giving birth”

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2013/07/12/newser-charged-labor-screams/2512015/?morestories=obnetwork

    • Mark

      Ah, only in Zimbabwe – the country that $cientology tried to take over – and which has since turned into a pretty good simulacrum of the Sea Org without Slubbard’s or Miscarriage’s help.

    • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

      Ok this is a totally snark free reply. Hubbard engrains the no noise while in pain thing pretty deep in your head and its almost impossible to get rid of it. I did not make a noise when my daughter was born. I grunted once when my son was born and my husband yelled “get your fucking TRs in.”

      35 years later, I find myself still incapable of making a noise when hurt. I broke my foot this February. I was sweating in pain. I have attached an X-ray to show how bad the break was. I did not once yell or say it hurt. The hospital wouldn’t believe it was broken because of the way I was acting and sent me home because the X-ray reader was broken, and they were sure it was only a sprain, even though I had heard it break and could feel the bone moving in my foot.

      4 hours later when the X-ray reader was fixed, they called me back to get my foot fixed.

      Hubbard didn’t need to fine people for yelling. Whatever he and his “tech” did to mess with my head on that one is still there. I know I should and can yell when in pain, i know that is a normal reaction, but when it happens, I just shut down. Scientology, the gift that keeps on giving.

      • MissCandle

        Serious question: Are S-Lying-Tologist permitted to make noise during copulation/fornication/intercourse/i.e. when the zygote is or may be forming ?

        • Isaac Clarke

          And, since sperm can have thetans too, shouldn’t the men wear sound-proofed jock straps?

        • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

          No

          • aquaclara

            Funny.

      • Mark

        Have a good angry shout at Co$ for me, Valerie.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        You grunted …and your husband yelled “get your fucking TR’s in”.
        What the hell is wrong with this picture!!!

        • http://frankdisalleisadummy.wordpress.com/ Get Chutney Love

          That a OSA troll would downvote someone’s experience because it makes the cult he’s in look bad.

          Where is Shelly Miscavige, OSA troll? How do you know you wouldn’t be disappeared like her one of these days if you get out of line?

          BTW, I noticed that the # of Google hits on “Where is Shelly Miscavige” is slowly, but surely going up. Bring up the question even if you’re not responding to a Scicon dupe.

          That is all.

          • MissCandle

            Where is Shelly Miscavige?

            • http://frankdisalleisadummy.wordpress.com/ Get Chutney Love

              That’s the spirit. It should be asked at least once a day on this blog. It should be to Bunkerites, old and new, as Carthaginem esse delendam.(Moreover, I advise that Carthage be destroyed) was to Cato the Elder.

          • Minion Gayle

            Google suggested it before I even finished typing Shelly.

            • http://frankdisalleisadummy.wordpress.com/ Get Chutney Love

              where is shelly miscavige, without quotes, gets 100K results, with the top two being http://whereisshellymiscavige(dot)com/ and the Wikipedia article about Shelly, the excerpt states she hasn’t been seen in public since August 2007.

              Excellent work, Bunkerites. Excellent!

            • DeElizabethan

              Thanks. On my iMac the http, Safari would only open “Go Daddy. com” and no further.

            • DeElizabethan

              I seemed to have lost a post. By typing the http://whereisshellymiscavige(dot)com, in my iMac with Safari, pulled up a Go Daddy site only. Going to google was very successful, thanks again.

        • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

          In a word $scientology

        • monkeyknickers

          Mind. Reeling.

          • L. Wrong Hubturd

            If it makes you feel any better, we can all chip in for a LRH doll for you to punch during labor.

            • monkeyknickers

              I’d prefer an epidural. :) But whatever you can do. :)

      • monkeyknickers

        I’m sorry sweetheart but I got as far as your husband saying “get your trs in” and my face melted. And I wanted to punch him. A lot. And then tell him that once he extrudes a watermelon out his asshole, he gets an opinion. Otherwise. FUCK THAT.

        Phew.

        I gotta get behind my ladies. Pregnant or no! :)

        • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

          Ok ok everybody breathe, my EX husband. I dumped him before I even dumped Scientology. Sorry, should have made that clear in the story. Put away the vigilante gear. I have only known my current husband 20 years, been married to him for 6. He is a never in and if you said the word TR to him, he would ask you if it was a car model.

          • Minion Gayle

            Yes, it is.

            A model of car that is. I had a TR-7 when I was 8. Sadly, my father sold it when I was 9 and I only got to drive it once. *pout*

            • http://valerierossonline.com/ Valerie Ross

              I understand why your father sold your TR-7. I had one too. I bought it new. I got to drive it several times a year when it wasn’t in the shop. I think I put over 400 miles on it in the little over a year owned it before I gave up and sold it.

              I am glad I kept my VW beetle when I bought the TR-7. Do you know it made #26 on Time Magazines 50 Worst Cars of All Time List? They were too generous in my opinion.

            • Minion Gayle

              LOL! When Dad bought it, it didn’t run. He was a mechanic and would get old junkers fix them up and sell them. We had an old Volvo that was just beautiful (on the outside, the interior was still a mess) when he finished the body work on it. Looked like a shiny, overgrown, red Beetle.

          • monkeyknickers

            Oh my god phew.

            Honestly Val we were organizing. I’m glad you set us straight. God knows what woulda happened.

            :)

  • Michael Leonard Tilse

    Around 1976 a Coast Guard Officer, Fred Porter from Petaluma, was shown around to the staff and spoke to us at San Francisco Org at 414 Mason Street. I believe he was still active duty. He was promoted as being the “perfect PR Personality”, (as usual, there is LRH Policy on that), and he was going to spearhead as a spokesman for Scientology, either in the bay area or nationally. I don’t think it came to much. I saw him some years later in L.A.

  • TonyOrtega

    Just a note about cremation, which I see some people raised earlier. If you go to a national cemetery, you’ll not only see individual graves with headstones, but also places for cremated veterans. At Point Rosecrans national cemetery in La Jolla, I tracked down a person I was writing a story about (unrelated to Scientology), and his marker was on the wall with other cremated veterans. Such a wall is technically called a “columbarium,” and some of these markers had religious symbols. So the notion that cremated remains would not need markers or religious symbols is not an excuse.

    • MissCandle

      We have two National Cemetaries near where I live, so I will check. Sometime. Not today. In the future.
      Edit: I mean I will check the columbrium x 2.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        My father in Law is buried at Beaufort, SC National Cemetery and they have a columbarium.

        • MissCandle

          Your family must be very proud. RIP

          • BuryTheNuts2

            We are. He was on Omaha beach on D-day.
            I miss him.

            • aquaclara

              Sorry for your loss, Bury. He left a significant mark.

        • SP ‘Onage

          Cool pic. I salute him, Bury.

          • BuryTheNuts2

            That is not him in the pic, but thank you. He was a great guy.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        I work right next to the one in Bushnell, fl.
        Here is what that one looks like.

    • Snippy_X

      So then perhaps we can conclude that no scientologist in 60 years has seen fit to honor their family member and his/her service to this country and his/her “faith” by requesting both a plaque at a national cemetery and the 8 pointed symbol for the plaque. This sounds about right. Disrespect for the dead and the grieving family does seem to be a hallmark of their compassion.

    • Minion Gayle

      Wait, you write stories unrelated to Scientology? Is that actually allowed?

      :-)

  • Isaac Clarke

    I think if I was a scientologist, I would get confused by all the fundraisers. I’d be wondering where all the money went that I ALREADY fucking paid the church, just to learn about the beliefs and practices in the first place.

    It’s like holding a fundraiser for a pawn shop, or a payday loan shark.

  • USA MRIID

    Ten million “members” and growing by over 4 million new “members” every year! Why, at this rate these fucking crooks and that shitting dwarf should have this planet cleared in no time! Them the fucking insane crooks can start clearing out Mars, Jupiter, Venus, everywhere else their fucking insane cult leader visited when totally stoned to the fucking gills on high priced quality dope.

  • Jgg2012

    I don’t know how many Scientologists there are, but there are plenty of ex-Scientologists.

    • Missionary Kid

      I’d say there’s probably more exes than active $cientologists by a far margin.

  • Mark

    The invisible trolls are back. Nothing better to do, you $ciloon wastrels?

    • Mark

      Oh, how {clever}: just 30 seconds to click your mouse… twice.

    • MissCandle

      Mark, all it took was a few seconds. I guess last night’s cancellation caused some S-Lying-Tologists to get to work down-voting us so they could stay in good graces. I would hate to have to clean all those toilets with only one toothbrush. Especially if it was my own.

      • BuryTheNuts2

        These poor yokels!

        • Mark

          Beati pauperes spiritu… but not in this case.

      • Mark

        All I can ever see of invisible trolls is the soles of their feet – peeping out of a certain portion of Der Dwarfenfuhrer’s anatomy!

    • SP ‘Onage

      What’s sad is It’s only one or two out of supposedly 4.4 million.

      Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha……….hah!

      • Mark

        Now we’ve got their attention: WHERE IS SHELLEY MISCAVIGE?

        • Mark

          (Only ten seconds that time) WHEN IS THE SUPERPOWER BUILDING GOING TO OPEN?

          • Mark

            Oh, go away, you boring Kool-Aid quaffer…

            • Mark

              Go and contemplate your heroes…

        • SP ‘Onage

          Exactly! FREE SHELLEY MISCAVIGE!

  • BuryTheNuts2

    XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….
    XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu..XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….
    XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…XENU…xenu….XENU….xenu…

    Poof!.

    • Michael Leonard Tilse

      {You see, Ron WAS Xenu! look at it in perspective: There he was, spiritually enlightened head of a massive ga-lac-tic confederation that refused to acknowledge his leadership with sufficient alacrity.

      So, he developed his first version of R2-45, the whole hydrogen bomb tax collector 3D cinema implant exteriorization process to ‘clear’ them. It was for their own good.

      Many years later, having had time to contemplate his actions and own his responsibility, the ga-lac-tic parole board gave him a day pass.

      Knowing he could do nothing for those he harmed while he remained in prison, he made his way to Earth where he created Scientology as his amends project for what he had wrought.

      Of course, being a congenital liar and fuck-up, he got it wrong again. Oh Ron, we hardly knew ye!}

      • BuryTheNuts2

        Are you saying Ron was just doing his A-E?

        • L. Wrong Hubturd

          Yatzee!

          • monkeyknickers

            Fave game on earth after scrabble.

  • V4Vacation

    New post up.

  • John P.

    The jet’s wheels are on the ground at Teterboro for the first time in a couple weeks. I can’t really say I’m sentimental about New Jersey, so I didn’t really kiss the ground on the ramp when I got off the plane. Also, I should point out that the only difference between riding in a limo through the traffic in the Lincoln tunnel just now and doing the same trip behind the wheel of a rusted-out 1992 Hyundai Excel is that my seats are more comfy — the traffic sucks no matter what you’re riding in. It is nice to get back to the supermodel-infested penthouse apartment and I’m even waxing almost sentimental about how it will feel to stride into the lobby at Global Capitalism HQ tomorrow, to feel the hum of the mighty profit generators working at warp speed once again.

    It may be ridiculously late to point out some of the following things in today’s Sunday Funnies, but I figured better late than never this once.

    San Diego versus LA battle of the fund-raising all-stars: Back in the days when I used to fly commercial, I remember all the complex things you could do to get mileage good for free trips. It seems like this is just a re-hash of an airline frequent flyer program: “fly 10 flight segments between now and the end of August and qualify for Executive Platinum status!” Oh, and the way they spell “immediatley” just makes me want to fling money in their general direction.

    Valley Ideal Org featuring Rosenkranz & Guildenstern: The Ideal Org campaign gets even bigger and more grandiose, with an Ideal Earth mere moments away if you donate now. Operators standing by.

    One subtle but important point in the text is definitely worth noting. I have long been wondering what happens when the Ideal Org strategy fails to pack ‘em in at all those expensive buildings. Of course, the ineptitude in this organization starting at the top makes it all but certain that Ideal Orgs will have no effect on the circling-the-drain membership figures. So what happens when nothing happens? Like all good grifters, Miscavige typically thinks of replacing one failed scam with another one, and getting people to donate more to the new scam because “this time it will work, I promise.”

    So what’s the new scam after the Ideal Org fiasco is readily apparent? The answer comes when they say “Advertisement campaigns can then be implemented that will boom all of the orgs in the area.” So we will soon discover that Ideal Orgs themselves weren’t really the thing that would make people join in droves, it is an ad campaign. Yeah, the $10 million they spent on the American Idol campaign in early 2012 really boomed the numbers. So spending $100 million to advertise a product nobody wants to buy after $10 million brought in absolutely no incremental business ought to work just great!

    Join Staff! The ad looks great, and with the exception of an extra comma, the spelling checks out. One small problem: while Emilie looks to be in her 60′s, a search of the database reveals she is actually 32 years old. KIDDING! I had to say something funny to pad out this paragraph, given that my utter astonishment at the lack of typos has rendered me temporarily speechless.

    Microsoft search engine: This comment about how Scientology called and wasted the time of the Microsoft people wondering why their search engine results sucked shows exactly why Hubbard’s management tech (along with all the rest of it) is completely useless. In fact, it’s beyond useless; it has negative value.

    The problem is that Hubbard was obsessed with statistics and basically acted as if any statistic going up means that what you are doing is working. The one tiny little problem is that Scientology is easily hypnotized with what economists call “perverse incentives.” That is, the reward pays off for something that sort of resembles what you want but differs from the actual useful result just enough that it actually prevents the desirable result from happening.

    Here, the cultist was supposed to “make it go right” when the cult got unfavorable search results. Instead of actually measuring the relative mix of positive/negative search results on the first three pages of answers, the guy managed to convince his manager to hold him to the statistic of “number of times I called Microsoft asking them why their search engine was wrong.” Every week, the number of phone calls to Microsoft remained the same or went up, because that was the stat that would keep him out of the RPF. But tracking the number of times you piss off someone at Microsoft and harden their resolve never to do anything to improve your search rating because of the amount of their time you waste is kind of the opposite of solving the real problem of upping the search engine ranking. If you repeat this by the thousands of meaningless statistics the cult collects across the operation, you see why the ship of reality set sail from the shores of Scientology decades ago. You don’t even need to have all that brainwashing via e-meters and sec checks to make sure these people go around the bend; you just have them try to manage themselves by Hubbard’s principles. The harder they try, the faster they circle the drain.

    • Robert Eckert

      Hey, glad you’re back in the saddle. Tomorrow we are promised some fireworks!

    • aquaclara

      Welcome back. We missed your pithy comments….and look at the up-stat comment counts! Tony’s been on fire!

    • Lurkness

      Hope all is well and a full recovery ahead–and welcome back.

    • http://frankdisalleisadummy.wordpress.com/ Get Chutney Love

      John, the only reason it doesn’t have typos is because Emily proofed the ad herself.

      As for her age, if she dyed her hair(I don’t know if appearence-enhancement is allowed or forbidden by Scientology), she could probably pass for 45 or so.

      As I heard a Chinese comedianne say on Axs tee-vee, rice stays nice.

    • monkeyknickers

      YOU’RE ALIVE!!! !!

      !!
      !

      Whomigunna shoot the shit with about social financial structures? Seriously – WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN BROTHER. :))

  • John

    I’m surprised the Austin Texas Tornadoes are so far behind. You’d think with Tommy Davis and Jessica Feshbach you’d be unbeatable.

  • ThetaBara

    Come on, Monday! Bring it!

  • PickAnotherID

    I don’t think the VA recognizes the Sea Org as an official branch of the US military. Maybe that has something to do with it.

  • Nick Overmyer

    Austin Texas ain’t representin’ here!?! should I print this out and go taunt the org across from UT with these pitiful stats?