Blogging the Good Book – The Underground Bunker

Spencer Tracy helps us out with a mystery in the Land of Nod

Tony Ortega — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 16:00:15 +0000

Australian fires. African locusts. Worldwide plague. Do we live in Biblical times or what? If the world really is ending, we thought it was time to prepare properly for Armageddon. By, you know, reading the damn thing. The Bible, that is. (Go back to the beginning here.)

Cain went off to make a life for himself last time, let’s see what happened to him…

Genesis 4 King James Version (KJV)

¹⁷ And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. ¹⁸ And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech. ¹⁹ And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other Zillah. ²⁰ And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle. ²¹ And his brother’s name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ. ²² And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah. ²³ And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt. ²⁴ If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold. ²⁵ And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew. ²⁶ And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the Lord.

Genesis 4 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch. ¹⁸ To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech. ¹⁹ Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. ²⁰ Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. ²¹ His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes. ²² Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah. ²³ Lamech said to his wives, “Adah and Zillah, listen to me; wives of Lamech, hear my words. I have killed a man for wounding me, a young man for injuring me. ²⁴ If Cain is avenged seven times, then Lamech seventy-seven times.” ²⁵ Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.” ²⁶ Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh. At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord.

Well, you probably know where our thoughts went after those first words, that Cain “knew his wife.”

Yes, this memorable scene from one of our favorite movies of all time, Inherit the Wind, and Spencer Tracy asking a perfectly reasonable question about Cain’s wife: “Where the hell did she come from?”

It might shock you to know that some divines today say the answer to that question is that Cain and Abel must have had sisters, and Cain chose one for holy matrimony. (Ew, right?) But we have another question, regarding the timeline here.

If Cain begat Enoch begat Irad begat Mehujael begat Methusael begat Lamech begat Jabal and Jubal and Tubalcain and Naamah, then that’s a lot of begats and consequently a lot of generations and a long passage of time. Five generations at, say 25 years each or so, we’re talking about 125 years. And then Adam and Eve got busy again and begat Seth?

Help us out here. Are we to assume that Eve was fertile after more than a century? Were the narrators of this assuming that their audience would accept that without question? Chime in.

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 7, 2020 at 12:00

The Land of Nod: The punishments keep adding up for the first family

Tony Ortega — Mon, 06 Apr 2020 16:00:01 +0000

Last time, God played favorites with Cain and Abel…

Genesis 4 King James Version (KJV)

⁸ And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him. ⁹ And the Lord said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper? ¹⁰ And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground. ¹¹ And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand; ¹² When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. ¹³ And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. ¹⁴ Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me. ¹⁵ And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. ¹⁶ And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.

Genesis 4 New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. ⁹ Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” “I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” ¹⁰ The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. ¹¹ Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. ¹² When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.” ¹³ Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear. ¹⁴ Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.” ¹⁵ But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over.” Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him. ¹⁶ So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

“Am I my brother’s keeper?” That Cain, what a smartass. And we love him for it. Best line in the Bible so far, and it’s not even close. About time someone gave a little back to this conniving, underhanded and petty biatch who is running things. Seriously, are we supposed to be rooting for this guy at this point? The Big Guy is such a small-minded wanker.

Anyway, who, exactly, is Cain afraid of running into when he says “whoever finds me will kill me”? At this point, the only human beings who exist are just him and his parents, and Adam is such a passive noodle at this point, we don’t see him committing filicide, much less anything else. Who else is out there? Did a parallel creation happen somewhere else?

Well — spoiler alert — that question is going to get a lot more relevant in tomorrow’s passage.

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 6, 2020 at 12:00

God digs his lamb a little burnt, spurns veggies

Tony Ortega — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 16:00:00 +0000

Let’s see what happens to the first couple now that they’re on their own…

Genesis 4 King James Version (KJV)

4 And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. ² And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. ³ And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord. ⁴ And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Abel and to his offering: ⁵ But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell. ⁶ And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? ⁷ If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

Genesis 4 New International Version (NIV)

4 Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” ² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. ³ In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. ⁴ And Abel also brought an offering — fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, ⁵ but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. ⁶ Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

So God is a meat lover and has no truck with dirt farmers? Is that what’s going on here? But hang on, isn’t what Cain and Abel are doing here, making offerings to God with some of their grain and “firstlings,” doesn’t that strike you as awfully, well, pagan?

And what’s with the Big Guy? That trap in the garden was kind of shitty, and the punishment for falling into it was awfully petty. And now he’s playing favorites over the sacrifices of the two First Sons? What a chotch this guy is!

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 5, 2020 at 12:00

East of Eden: Cast out by cherubim bearing flaming swords

Tony Ortega — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 16:00:50 +0000

God was just getting warmed up yesterday as he brings down sentence upon the first couple…

Genesis 3 King James Version (KJV)

¹⁷ And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; ¹⁸ Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; ¹⁹ In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return. ²⁰ And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. ²¹ Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them. ²² And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: ²³ Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken. ²⁴ So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Genesis 3 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁷ To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. ¹⁸ It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. ¹⁹ By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” ²⁰ Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living. ²¹ The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. ²² And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” ²³ So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. ²⁴ After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

No please, God, say it isn’t so. We have to eat what we grow? And we have to wear clothes? And we will live and die while having to work for a living, and while knowing the difference between good and evil? Well, such is life. At least, that’s what it was like before this damn plague.

Now that we’re nearing a month confined to quarters, things are beginning to change, aren’t they? We see it here and there. On Facebook, the people we follow are starting to lose their minds. Not in big ways, but in little ways. Here at home, it’s becoming a chore to do the smallest things. We practically have to talk ourselves into walking across the room. Is it like that for you, too?

We may have another two months of this, and then things may remain somewhat restricted for a lot longer. How long before we can reach out and shake a stranger’s hand? A year? Two?

Anyway, today’s passage from this Biblical fable only reminded us of how good we had it before the pandemic, not how tough we have it as human beings. And what a weak attempt it is to explain life’s difficulties by making up a story to explain things after the fact. Sure, God, we have it tough, and it’s all that woman’s fault for listening to the serpent. Are you buying this?

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 4, 2020 at 12:00

Beguiled, bothered, and bewildered: The first couple confess their crime

Tony Ortega — Fri, 03 Apr 2020 16:00:22 +0000

Having donned their fig-leaf attire, the first couple awaits their fate…

Genesis 3 King James Version (KJV)

⁸ And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. ⁹ And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? ¹⁰ And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. ¹¹ And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? ¹² And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. ¹³ And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. ¹⁴ And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: ¹⁵ And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. ¹⁶ Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Genesis 3 New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. ⁹ But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” ¹⁰ He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” ¹¹ And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” ¹² The man said, “The woman you put here with me — she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” ¹³ Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” ¹⁴ So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this, cursed are you above all livestock and all wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. ¹⁵ And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.” ¹⁶ To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”

Here we go with the Just-So Stories again. If the serpent only crawled on its belly as punishment for beguiling Eve, what was it doing before that? No, don’t bother pondering that one, it’s not a serious question. Clearly, we’re in fable territory here, and taking it seriously is obviously a trap.

But here is the serious question. Wouldn’t the original audience for this work of fiction have assumed it was a fable that unseriously explains the nature of snakes, the fear that people have of snakes, and that childbirth for human females is an ordeal? And would that early audience, which had every bit as much brain power as we do, have assumed this was a pretty myth? And wouldn’t the authors have known it would be taken as such?

The joke is on modern audiences for not giving our ancient ancestors more credit, right? Read that passage again, this time assuming a clever, knowing narrator and an equally clever audience that would have appreciated the artifice of this work, and not have taken it literally, which it was never intended to be, surely.

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 3, 2020 at 12:00

All about Eve: Serpentine trickery in the garden leads to fall fashion

Tony Ortega — Thu, 02 Apr 2020 16:00:48 +0000

Last time, Adam had a garden to play in, a companion to play with, and a prohibition about a certain tree…

Genesis 3 King James Version (KJV)

3 Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? ² And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: ³ But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. ⁴ And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: ⁵ For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. ⁶ And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. ⁷ And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Genesis 3 New International Version (NIV)

3 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” ² The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’” ⁴ “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” ⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

If this serpent was more “subtil” or “crafty” than other creatures, whose fault was that, hm? But sure, this paradise includes a talking snake that spends its time not searching for small rodents to eat but plotting to become the frenemy of Mrs. Spare Rib in order to use some reverse psychology on her.

This book has become awfully silly in a very short amount of time, hasn’t it? But OK, let’s go with it. A talking snake offering godlike wisdom, and Eve falls for it and gets Adam to take a bite as well. You know the result, a culture that sees women ever after as conniving temptresses who got us into the mess we find ourselves in. What fun it’s been carting around that luggage for the past couple of millennia.

And the immediate result was that we feel shame about our naked bodies, and the fig leaf becomes the original article of clothing. But this story also tells us that what we lost was a more perfect state where we lie around naked all day. Does that suggest that nudist colonies more godly? This is confusing.

Speaking of clothing, now that you can’t leave the house all day, are you wearing any, or have you reverted to Adamic freedom?

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 2, 2020 at 12:00

Adam gets a help meet as Genesis gives us a good ribbing

Tony Ortega — Wed, 01 Apr 2020 16:00:57 +0000

Yesterday, God seemed to lay a big fat trap for Adam in the garden. Let’s see what he has for him today…

Genesis 2 King James Version (KJV)

¹⁸ And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. ¹⁹ And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. ²⁰ And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. ²¹ And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; ²² And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. ²³ And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. ²⁴ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. ²⁵ And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Genesis 2 New International Version (NIV)

¹⁸ The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” ¹⁹ Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. ²⁰ So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. ²¹ So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. ²² Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. ²³ The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” ²⁴ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. ²⁵ Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

So hang on, let us make sure we understand the situation here. Adam has been breathed to life what, some ten minutes ago, and despite the obvious bewilderment he would be experiencing, he’s expected to provide names to a parade of animals brought before him? And how did that happen, exactly — were these creatures led by leashes in front of him, and was that done by the Big Guy himself, or did the animals just sort of saunter on their own in front of this new man, who instantly had enough of a vocabulary to come up with monikers for all of these beasts?

But we love that detail about the “true names,” which is very revealing if you think about it. Because the narrators here, what they’re really doing is acknowledging (or bemoaning) the actual situation, which is the arbitrariness of human language. There’s nothing more cow-like about the word “cow” than, say, “vaca,” or even the utterance “monkey.” We have actually known people who find this obvious fact, the arbitrary nature of language, deeply disturbing. They like to think that at some level, words carry some link to the things they describe, and so this “Just-So Story” in Genesis certainly feels like an obvious sop to that anxiety. Whatever language Adam spoke in the Garden of Eden, his words had a real link to the things he described. It’s a cute notion.

Anyway, that all fades in comparison to the next fable here, the extremely presumptuous suggestion that Eve was pulled out of Adam’s rib cage, and was created to keep him company. Well, at least it provides some explanation for why men have one less rib than women do.

What’s that? It isn’t true? You say men and women have the same number of ribs? Oh well, for heaven’s sake what is even real any more.

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Posted by Tony Ortega on April 1, 2020 at 12:00

Eden is a paradise, well, except for that big, fat trap laid in the middle of it

Tony Ortega — Tue, 31 Mar 2020 16:00:45 +0000

Continuing the Creation do-over, with our narrator starting things from scratch again and putting man on the scene before plants or other animals…

Genesis 2 King James Version (KJV)

⁸ And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed. ⁹ And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. ¹⁰ And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. ¹¹ The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; ¹² And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. ¹³ And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia. ¹⁴ And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates. ¹⁵ And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. ¹⁶ And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: ¹⁷ But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 2 New International Version (NIV)

⁸ Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. ⁹ The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground — trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. ¹⁰ A river watering the garden flowed from Eden; from there it was separated into four headwaters. ¹¹ The name of the first is the Pishon; it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold. ¹² (The gold of that land is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there.) ¹³ The name of the second river is the Gihon; it winds through the entire land of Cush. ¹⁴ The name of the third river is the Tigris; it runs along the east side of Ashur. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. ¹⁵ The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. ¹⁶ And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; ¹⁷ but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

We’re not feeling too sure about the travelogue inserted here — uh, thanks for the hot tip about about gold prospecting in Havilah — as if that were nearly as important as that big red flag planted right in the middle of Eden, for crissakes.

Sure, eat anything you want, hang out in this cool zoo enclosure, er, pretty garden that’s been made for you, but whatever you do, don’t eat from this one special tree right in the middle of it.

Well, you know how that’s going to turn out. It’s pretty much the same setup as when medical experts started telling us a few weeks ago, whatever you do, don’t touch your face. And so what did you do, right?

It’s just impossible to keep your hand from rubbing your nose, isn’t it? And when some genius astrophysicist tried to design a device that would keep us from that constant touching, he ended up in the hospital with magnets wedged up his nose. And if this is what happens to a genius scientist, what hope do the rest of us have?

Anyway, getting back to God’s little prank here, we note that this is the first point in our narrative that something like a literary device has been introduced. After all, what the heck could a “tree of the knowledge of good and evil” be? Seen one growing around your house lately?

Here we are only two chapters into this thing and it’s starting to lose its verisimilitude. Not a good sign.

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Posted by Tony Ortega on March 31, 2020 at 12:00

It’s a Creation do-over as man takes precedence in take two

Tony Ortega — Mon, 30 Mar 2020 16:00:37 +0000

After six days of constant work, let’s see what the Big Guy does next…

Genesis 2 King James Version (KJV)

2 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. ² And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. ³ And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made. ⁴ These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, ⁵ And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground. ⁶ But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. ⁷ And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Genesis 2 New International Version (NIV)

2 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. ² By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. ³ Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done. ⁴ This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens. ⁵ Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, ⁶ but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. ⁷ Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Take a load off, God, you deserve a rest. But hang on, what’s this about retelling the creation story all over again? What the hell?

We were actually enjoying things in Genesis 1, with the light and dark, sun and moon, fruit showing up very early, then fish and fowl, trees and shrubs, and then eventually land animals and mankind.

It’s like some other narrator entirely takes over now and tells the same story in a much less poetical way. There’s dirt, some rain, and God blows up the nostrils of a clay figure he’s fashioned and boom, man appears before any other animals or fruit or trees.

We’re only two chapters into this thing and already this narrator — or narrators — is proving very unreliable. What gives?

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Posted by Tony Ortega on March 30, 2020 at 12:00

Every thing that creepeth upon the earth: We make our first appearance

Tony Ortega — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 16:00:38 +0000

Yesterday we got stars and birds, and it was good. Let’s see what we have in store for us as Creation moves into its sixth day.

Genesis 1 King James Version (KJV)

²⁴ And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. ²⁵ And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good. ²⁶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. ²⁷ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. ²⁸ And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. ²⁹ And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. ³⁰ And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. ³¹ And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Genesis 1 New International Version (NIV)

²⁴ And God said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And it was so. ²⁵ God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. ²⁶ Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” ²⁷ So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. ²⁸ God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” ²⁹ Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. ³⁰ And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground — everything that has the breath of life in it — I give every green plant for food.” And it was so. ³¹ God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning — the sixth day.

Doesn’t it seem awfully convenient that the authors, writing sometime around 2,500 years ago, decided retroactively that the Creator had come up with animals and birds and crops and fruit-bearing trees so that we might have “dominion” over it all and “subdue” it for our own purposes?

Not to second-guess our ancestors, but isn’t this the kind of selfish attitude about our animal companions on this planet that has led us to present-day creatures like Joe Exotic and Doc Antle and Carole Baskin?

Speaking of which, you know what passed by so quickly and we kept looking for more explanation that never came, but didn’t the narrator or Joe Exotic (we can’t remember which) say that Jeff Lowe had strangled his first wife? What’s up with that! How do you drop something like that without expanding on it?

We’re not saying that it deserved an entire episode, like the absolutely gripping exploration of what happened to Don Lewis — by the way, what’s your feeling, did she or didn’t she? — but at least asking Lowe about what happened with his ex would have been helpful.

Now that we mention it, we can’t help thinking about feeding those tigers. You think you’re having a hard time making the stuff in your pantry stretch, how are those poor animals doing during the pandemic. Anyone know?

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Posted by Tony Ortega on March 29, 2020 at 12:00