Sweetheart.. You are absolutely right..You will never be the same. How’s that for uplifting words.

There are days I think..I can NOT live with the pain of grief. It has been 11 years. And I know that I have changed. Putting on a Mask for others is so hard.

So you just live with half of a heart and soul and pain. I used to teach death and dying classes.. The stages of grief..( Thinking in my head.. ” Jeeze why don’t these people just move on already.”)

I knew NOTHING .. Just ignorant of me to even think that there is a mourning period.

I lost my dog Molly.. I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling over his death so closely to Mom’s.. My poor baby ..

What gave me comfort is knowing that Molly is with Jude now and she is taking care and playing with her. That is my way of coping.

Another way that helped me is .. ” Jude would kick me in my ass watching me mourn for her.. socially isolating myself in grief. ” But it doesn’t always work..

cause I know that she would be mourning me for life too. But you know your Mama sweetie. How she felt such sadness when you cried, or felt any sadness.

I a little miss sunshine eh? Do you believe in an afterlife? That is the only thing that keeps me going. Knowing that Jude went before me and is waiting for me.

We grieve for ourselves of course..we miss them.

I heard so many Fuckin times.. ” She’s in a better place..” ” Fabulous.. BUT I’M NOT. I’M NOT AT ALL.. I MISS HER.. I MISS HER PRESENCE. I MISS HER SMELL AND HER LAUGHTER AND Ok now I’m crying..

Because I know you feel the same. And there is NOT a damn thing you can do about it.

I would like to extend an open invitation to you to visit me at anytime on the island. It is a magical place. When you are ready..

I love you very much. I know it sounds corny because we are internet friends..but I do. You write to me anytime. ANYTIME.

You can scream.. vent, cry.. laugh.. gossip.. gab about mom.. anytime.
I am so sorry for both losses. I look at my little dog Lulu who is 14 and know that her days are numbered.

and like you..I will fall into a heap of pain again. Also.. don’t hold back the tears. There are some days I put on really sad songs..or songs that remind me of Jude and throw myself on the bed and sob.

I always feel better afterwards. Don’t fight tears.. embrace them. You are in pain. sigh.. and Fuck.. If you were here with me I would just hold you.
Love baby

Thank you Baby. My heart is broken. I lost my mom on Monday and I had to put my 15 year old sweet baby boy down yesterday. I’ll never be the same. They were both my heart and soul.

OH honey.. thank you so much for telling me… You will certainly be lost without her.

What a great daughter that you were to her. Through sickness and through health. She is certainly flying with the Angels. thinking of you baby girl..

In loving memory of you sweet, loving mom.. and for you honey.. may your healing during this time be softened with love. F5

I do post here..not as often as before.. but I will always get your messages. Always.. xox love baby.. ( So glad your Mama loved my painting..)

https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/61568f680423caf1b5cd22be491a569f6fd17c72cfee1ecebd443980c0b3ed43.gif

Not sure if you post on here anymore but I have sad news. My mom passed away on Monday Jan 23, 2017. Thank you again for thinking about her. She really loved your painting. Love, me

Beauty.. I’m a realist.. Has the Dr. informed you what stage your Mama’s illness is? ( I fuckin hate the word cancer)

Family problems are difficult enough to handle now throw in taking care of Mom together …OMG honey I can’t imagine in a million years.

What a nightmare.. I just got sick to my stomach thinking about it. My mom and I got into it everyday when my twin was ill.. For some reason she was targeting me.

It was difficult enough watching my twin laying there dying..and on top of that for my mo to be on my back the entire time telling me what I was doing wrong.

all I know I was crying all the time because I couldn’t run away from her. ( Mom)

Now I am multiplying my situation by 1,000 for you because my mom and I got along good before Jude’s illness.. I mean we didn’t see each other that much.. maybe 2x a year. So it was easy to be polite.

The reason I asked you about the stage.. You need to talk to the Dr. and make it very clear what her prognosis is.

OK sweetie.. Not want you want the progress to be.. or wish, or pray or ( You know where I’m going) but WHAT IS THE PROGNOSIS. And go from there.

and come back here and we will talk. Ok honey? Or you know I am here always.. I always check for messages here.. if I’m not on.

I feel for you.. I just punched your dad for you.. love baby

Good, I’m glad I inspired you 🙂 that at the least makes me happy!
Mom has stopped throwing up. But now she seems really really out of it. My father seems to be losing it, although I can’t tell if that is for attention, as he is this weird narcissist /aspergers combo. I called my brothers to talk to him. I can’t stand him right now, and have had enough therapy to know he will not change. I am only talking to him to make my mother happy but I really want to cattle prod him every time he does something offensive or insensitive. If I had my wish I would find a medicare savant, who would get me full time home health aides, a lift chair, a hospital bed, and a bathroom renovation, and a ramp. Just to start with anyway! Or I would move her back to Pennsylvania, closer to her brothers and sisters and my cousins. Sometimes, I just wonder, if all that hope is just something I delude myself with, like if I could get her these things she would be better. I don’t know. All I know is that this progression has not been linear at all, and I can’t pretend to understand from one day to the next what is happening. That is very scary for someone who has anxiety! especially taking care of someone on morphine! So pray for me, I’ve felt very fragile, as my mother has felt very far away. And of course for her too. <3 <3 <3 B

my heart breaks for your Mama beauty.. and of course you and your dad .
are my heroes.. sigh.. and I don’t say that lightly.

Being a caretaker is absolutely exhausting. Every 21 days instead of every 14..good. Throwing up.. aww that poor woman.. that is a horrible feeling.

I wish I could help.. you come here and cry vent .. anytime. I took a motor scooter ride for you last night honey..You were right with me. xoxo love baby

Here’s some:

Hubbard admits Dianetics can’t clear people.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QOFNGQcBH6M

Hi Cece… I thought i had your e-mail but no! so here is mine xenu.rex@yandex.com
send me a -ping- i have some ideas for you, maybe.

No it’s my Mom that is, you would do the same.