Thank you for your grace.

What’s to be sorry about? We need to vent sometimes or the stuff inside will explode. I have a Facebook who likes to talk pretty much all day every day (he is taking care of a schizophrenic mother, somewhat different saga and yet, the same) and that is what keeps me more-or-less sane.

Robert, I re-read my post this morning and I was so embarrassed. I really apologize that I was trying to tell you how you should interact with your family. I say “I certainly can’t tell you how to…” and then I go about doing that exact thing. I’m really sorry.

The whole thing is just me ranting about my own situation, and I’m ashamed I even posted it. I wrote it after a 12 hour day in ICU with my mother pushing all my buttons, then got home and couldn’t sleep. (I think all the caffeine I drank all day must have ganged up on me) so I was in a half asleep but jacked up on Diet Mountain Dew state and ended up airing all my family’s problems.

I love your family’s migration pattern! I’m glad that your brother helps as he can, and also that a nurse comes in so you can go do something knowing your dad’s being well taken care of.

Let’s make a pact — I’ll try to not land on the news if you try too…..

Again,I’m really sorry about my rant – you wrote a very gracious reply.

I believe you’re thinking of the earthquake in Haiti.

We’re in Detroit. When my sister went to Oregon, my brother who later joined her in Oregon went to Florida, and I went to California, so we joked that my other brother should go to Maine to complete the pattern, but he didn’t move further than the next street. He does give us “respite” sometimes, and we have a nurse who comes in once a week to give us a day off. Still, I have those days of almost-murder, too. Let’s both try to avoid making the news!

That must be so hard to have to deal with both parents, particularly with your dad’s condition. I’m so sorry — that’s such a sad disease. And then to add the relationship history with your mom (I can totally identify) that’s a very heavy load.

My sister and her husband moved up here last June and she was so extremely unhappy they’ve decided to move back 4 hours away. While she was here she got a little taste of the family caretaking, but just a smidgen…I would guess that although there were other reasons, the thought of having to be close to and involved in all this played a big part in their decision.

In her email to me explaining why they were moving she assured me that if mom was in the hospital or something I just had to call her and she would “jump in the car and come right up….” I have my doubts, because several years ago my 88 yr. old mom had a complete shoulder replacement. I was working full-time an hour away and was taking time off and coming up weekends. I asked my sister who doesn’t work to help and she couldn’t come because she had play rehearsals every night and all sorts of other obligations (all of which were things she chose to do – not things she had to do).. Grrr… So this time I told her I would take her up on it. I’m going to have to be more assertive with all this is I want to come out of this alive. We’ll see what happens.

I was close to a woman whose elderly mother in middle stage (?) Alzheimers lived by herself in Ohio in the home she grew up in and wanted to continue to live there. The various adult children lived in different states. There were four children, so they each had took one week a month where they’d go and take care of their mom. I know all of them were wealthy – my friend didn’t work and I don’t think the sibs did either so that makes it easier. I thought that was really neat because everybody helped out.

I’m not very assertive, but I’m getting more and more to the point where I’m just going to have to say all of these things aren’t MY problem, they’re FAMILY problems so everybody needs to be involved in some way. I have a sister with schizophrenia, and mom and my brother were co-guardians. Mom’s already told me she wants me to do it after she dies. That’s a situation where I wanted to nail my sister down before she left and say that she needs to be on the papers as well because again, it’s a FAMILY problem. I may yet call her and tell her she needs to come up and meet with the lawyer and we’ll redo the guardianship papers. I don’t think she’ll agree to do it however.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get her cooperation unless something happens and I say I absolutely will not be able to take care of it because I’m leaving town (or something), so unless she comes no one will be here to help. It would be hard for me, but she’s been protected from all of this her entire life, and I think it’s time she steps up.

I certainly can’t tell you what to do, but I’m realizing more and more that although it might be difficult for the others to help out, they can work it out so they can do something. I know it’s not ideal for your brother with the kids, but he could probably spend a weekend day once in a while so you can get away and refresh your soul. I don’t remember exactly where you live but if I’m right, Oregon is pretty far away. But I imagine that they get vacation days from their jobs. It’s not the most fun thing to use vacation days for, but even though it would be harder for them, they could choose to help out. Sorry to use your family as an example, but I think people like us (or me anyway) are so overly responsible that the others just count on that and don’t feel any necessity to help out — “Everything’s OK — Robert’s there.” So they go ahead and lilve their lives not really having to deal with the day to day, exhausting and infuriating stuff. Plus we’re trying to be nice and not put a burden on the others, but again,taking on the entire burden alone can really break you down.

I’m realizing that I’m going to have to say “it’s your turn now” , and go on a vacation or something. I’m getting closer and closer…..

Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’re stuck with this, and I really hope your siblings will step up, even if it’s just a few days now and then.

P.S. I almost killed my mother today being with her in the hospital room for about 10 hours, but I’m sure it would be ruled justifiable homicide! 😉 Tomorrow it will probably be more like 15 hours while my brother has his surgery….stay tuned. You might see me on the news! :-/

I know your pain all too well. I am not the best point-person to be carrying weight for mom right now (dad is in late-stage Alzheimer’s, his behavior is sometimes awful) because my relationship with her has always been emotionally fraught, but my sister and one brother are out in Oregon, and the brother who lives a block and a half away has a demanding job and a fixer-upper house and three little kids to deal with (he does stop by often, but I’m the one who is here all the time during the eruptions).

And should be given a little slack, yes.

Yes. People don’t emerge from the cult as fully functional witty participants.

Exactly. To say any part of it was bullshit is a big step in the right direction.