Thanks for writing. I really do understand what you write about, and I really do understand why you need to be very careful. It takes thorough planning, baby steps in executing the plan, money, and hopefully a good support system. Every day you realize that you know more about yourself. One day you realize that you’re “free.” Stay safe. I hope you keep in touch.

Hi MissCandle, sorry for the looooong delay in replying. It’s been a bit “different” the last few weeks, and I’ve had to divert my energies elsewhere.

To sort of answer a part of your question, I realized that even with a number of years of counseling, I wasn’t going to take the time/effort needed to fully heal because I could function as I was. I was used to the abuse, used the “system” created within my family, and frankly, I didn’t feel I was worth the effort. After decades of thought modification (every memory questioned, every independent idea challenged and altered, every preference skewed), I didn’t even know who I was.

I I knew who I was, but that was the conditioning. I was a clone. I lived a life of continual cognitive dissonance. After 10 years away, I can tell you that I HATE skirts (was never allowed to wear pants), I HATE camel and brown colors (and love hot pink and olive green), I DESPISE linen and silk (organic cotton anyone? :), and a host of other things that I’m still figuring out.

The reason Baby C was the tipping point, is because I didn’t want to be the same as my sociopathic parent who refused to take responsibility for the abuse, refused to get help in the smallest measure, and refused to acknowledge the pivotal role of a dysfunctional dynamic ruling the immediate and extended family. How could I point the finger if I was going to end up allowing the same thing to happen to my Baby? It was that simple. I didn’t have the strength to do it for myself, but I did have the strength when it came to Baby C.

I hope that helps explain it a little. There’s always more to write, but I have to still be careful what I put into words as the family is still alive and well and very dangerous. There are so many little things that could identify me. Just call me paranoid (and for good reason ;).

p.s. My upbringing really does help me understand the mind-bending that happens to long-term Scientologists. The difference is that I didn’t have a choice – no sign-up sheet for me, but I had a choice for Baby C. I just wish CO$ parents felt the same about their beloved children!

No no no. No need to apologize all mighty Fist! I was just making conversation! I got the wisdom tooth pulled yesterday and have been on pain meds. I tent to talk/type a lot when I take them. I doubt you have offended anyone, I know you haven’t offended me! So take them apologies back!

😛

Good morning by the way! The sunrise is all purple-red here in Oregon! Tis pretty!

I’ve already apologized but I’ll do it again. I meant no disrespect to people who’ve had 1st hand trouble in their families. I find it hard to understand somebody talking about his sister or brother to other people the way DM talks about Denise. Sorry.

I’m sorry. Guess I’m just real lucky.

Well said, and I think that is exactly the point of the TRs, and contributesto why it is so hard to get people out sometimes.

I believe it is all a continuum: narcissist – sociopath – psychopath. It’s all the self-centered spectrum. In any case they DGAF about you because they do not have a F to give.

Respect to you, Ms C. I believe you. It is hard to believe – even when you have seen it!