We interrupt Leah Remini’s dismantling of the Church of Scientology to remind you that you have only 18 days left to finish your Christmas shopping. And as ever, you’ll need some extra help when it comes to that perennial conundrum facing us all — what to get the Scientologist on your list.
You see, Scientologists tend to make a big deal about Christmas. Even their celebrities, who can’t be bothered to show up for the grand opening of a new church, will put on funny costumes and take part in the skits and tributes that are performed at the Winter Wonderland exhibit on Hollywood Boulevard.
But here’s the thing that no Scientology celebrity will tell you: L. Ron Hubbard, in the organization’s secretive upper-level teachings, reveals that Jesus Christ, and Christianity, is just a mental implant, cruelly foisted upon the human race by Xenu the galactic overlord some 75 million years ago. “The man on the cross, there was no Christ,” Hubbard says quite clearly in a 1968 lecture.
So if that’s the case, what is it Scientologists are celebrating on December 25? Why, Scientology, of course!
“We are the hope of Man — the only hope,” Hubbard said in a Christmas message years ago. “Mankind’s salvation lies within our hands. With our tech and ability we can create here on Earth a real heaven where men can be free.”
And how do we know this? Because it appears on the first page of this year’s Scientology Christmas catalog!
We want to thank reader Rasha, who snagged a copy of this year’s catalogs — yes, there are actually two of them — and we thought you’d want to get a look at what Scientology leader David Miscavige is urging his followers to buy each other as gifts. This is really a hefty catalog, as you can see from the table of contents…
So what is the sexiest thing in the catalog? Why, it’s the big reveal right up front. Are you ready for the new, special black and white E-meters? Hot!
You just know every Scientologist on your list is going to want both of these bad boys. So what are they going to run us?
On their own, they’re $5,000 each. But order two and get $500 knocked off the price! What a bargain!
As you leaf through the full catalog, below, you’ll probably hope to find all kinds of fun and innovative gifts. But sadly, you’ll find that in the bulk of the catalog, Miscavige is pushing the same old sets of books and lectures that get shoved down the throats of Scientologists every day of the week. Sure, you can buy a set of “The Basics” for your favorite Scientologist this Christmas, but it’s the same hoary collection of semicolon-free works that church members have been forced to buy since 2007, when Miscavige came out with them.
But, sure, go ahead and shell out $600 for “Ron the Encyclopedia” if you must…
We found the special catalog just for Scientology jewelry a little more enticing.
What better way, for example, to fake out your friends and convince them Scientology actually does have something to do with Christianity than with these sparkly Scientology crosses, at only $2,000 each?
Have fun leafing through the catalogs, below, and while you’re doing it, sample Chill EB’s Christmas offering, “Santa Homie.”
Bonus items from our tipsters
Joy Villa keeps up the Christmas deception by sitting on Santa’s lap while arch elf Noelle North makes sure no one eats a Subway sandwich.
Go here to start making your plans.
E-mail tips and story ideas to tonyo94 AT gmail DOT com or follow us on Twitter. We post behind-the-scenes updates at our Facebook author page. After every new story we send out an alert to our e-mail list and our FB page.
Our book, The Unbreakable Miss Lovely: How the Church of Scientology tried to destroy Paulette Cooper, is on sale at Amazon in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook versions. We’ve posted photographs of Paulette and scenes from her life at a separate location. Reader Sookie put together a complete index. More information about the book, and our 2015 book tour, can also be found at the book’s dedicated page.
Learn about Scientology with our numerous series with experts…
BLOGGING DIANETICS: We read Scientology’s founding text cover to cover with the help of L.A. attorney and former church member Vance Woodward
UP THE BRIDGE: Claire Headley and Bruce Hines train us as Scientologists
GETTING OUR ETHICS IN: Jefferson Hawkins explains Scientology’s system of justice
SCIENTOLOGY MYTHBUSTING: Historian Jon Atack discusses key Scientology concepts
Other links: Shelly Miscavige, ten years gone | The Lisa McPherson story told in real time | The Cathriona White stories | The Leah Remini ‘Knowledge Reports’ | Hear audio of a Scientology excommunication | Scientology’s little day care of horrors | Whatever happened to Steve Fishman? | Felony charges for Scientology’s drug rehab scam | Why Scientology digs bomb-proof vaults in the desert | PZ Myers reads L. Ron Hubbard’s “A History of Man” | Scientology’s Master Spies | Scientology’s Private Dancer | The mystery of the richest Scientologist and his wayward sons | Scientology’s shocking mistreatment of the mentally ill | Scientology boasts about assistance from Google | The Underground Bunker’s Official Theme Song | The Underground Bunker FAQ
Our Guide to Alex Gibney’s film ‘Going Clear,’ and our pages about its principal figures…
Jason Beghe | Tom DeVocht | Sara Goldberg | Paul Haggis | Mark “Marty” Rathbun | Mike Rinder | Spanky Taylor | Hana Whitfield